The SC shopping handbook

[Teefies2]

When Buying Books (2 SC's in one post!)

SC #1

When you enter a mom & pop bookstore with your sister and your 9 (nine!) kids between the two of you while I am the only one here, PLEASE:

Be sure to let your kids run wild ... I don't have anything to do but clean up after them & take them to the potty.

Absolutely the two of you can order 34 homeschooling books that we don't have in stock, so that I have to hand write each order separately, while telling your kids "go play". And insist that I "must know that book, you know the one ????"

Tell me you need them ALL "next week" while at the same time telling me you are not starting school until September, a good 3 months away.

After you receive all of your books and your sister receives all but one of hers, come back to the store & tell me you need a refund on all your books, since we were unable to fill your sister's order (yes, I missed ordering one of the books for the sister, wonder why *cough* NINE NINE NINE kids!!!!!) and it's ONLY been 2 months, so "there shouldn't be a problem ... I've lost confidence in your ability to get these books for me". Never mind that you've already had your complete order for 2 months!!!!!

And PLEASE PLEASE be sure to tell every homeschooling mom you know about how horrible our store is and all we do is take people's money!!!!!


SC #2

I am glad we were able to get 41 of the 43 books you ordered, I really am. But, of course, since we were unable to get those TWO ... you need a complete refund on all of your books. Yes, it's only been 10 months & you've used the ones you got AND we refunded for the two books you didn't get, but that doesn't matter! You didn't get ALLLLLLL of your books. Oh and yes, of course you don't have to return any of the books you received until we give you a complete refund.

And PLEASE be sure to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau - who I must admit, laughed you out of the park (Yay for them!).

[Forensic Waitress]

Christmas shopping and eating

Shoppers, us peons have no life so make sure to show up 1 minute before closing to do all of your Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve for you precious brood of 5.

Don't have a list or anything and just wander around until you find what you want.

Also make sure to dump any unwanted merchandise on the other side of the store. With all the Christmas food the peons are about to eat they need their exercise getting the store back in order for the after Christmas sales.

Can't find the most super spectacular toy of the year. What the peon told you it was sold out and they don't have any out the back. You just know they are lying and that there are 100's out there and they are just to lazy to go and find it.

So you go out the back and find it yourself. And when the staff request that you get out of the back area say they are accusing you of being a thief and complain to management.

Take your precious presents up to the peon at the front. Tell them they need to have more Christmas cheer and that they should smile at you even though the store has been closed for an hour and their lovely family dinner is no longer going to happen.

When told the total of your purchase say that the stuff is too expensive and then make the peon unpack everything so you can decide what can stay and what can go. Take your time with this, again the peon has no life except to serve you.

If you are too lazy to cook on Christmas day make sure you tell, yes thats right tell, your favourite restaurant, that you and your brood of 20 will be there at 12:30 for lunch. Get really angry and yell at the staff if they tell you that they have the audacity to actually be closed.

Bonus points if they will actually be open on Christmas day but you only tell them about your brood of 20 wanting lunch very late Christmas Eve night. The staff clearly have nothing better to do then serve you and your brood and to magically make room for you as well. Don't worry they are all magicians in disguise.

When you and your brood of 20 eat there on this festive day known as Christmas day make sure that you have let your kids bring the noisiest, most annoying toy under the Christmas tree.

Of course the peons are there to look after your kids so you can have a relaxing lunch so don't supervise them. Especially don't say anything when your precious dittims shots their toy gun at a waiter carrying a large tray of food, but do get very angry at the peons when you are told they have to wait for their food to be remade as the waiter dropped the tray after being fired upon. Of course it is all the waiters fault and not your precious dittims. Also because you made them wait they should all get dessert for free.

Don't leave a tip, the peons worked on Christmas day out of the kindness of their hearts and of course you spent all your money on precious dittims.

[Cassandra]

For being a customer in several different places:

Bookstore

All you need to know for the illiterate monkey behind the counter to be able to find the exact book you want is the size and color. You will do even better by using your hands to show just how big or small the book is. You don't need to tell them what subject, author, or the plot. They can plug into their magic computer the size and color and take you right to your book!

If you are underage for the "adult" magazines, don't fret! You can take the magazine into the children's section at the back of the store and rip it right open! The monkeys love finding the little inserts from these magazines throughout the section, it's like a game to them. Even more fun for them is leaving the magazine open at the centerfold right on top of the infant books. It always brings smiles to little ones days to see boobs!

And as always, those monkeys are there for you and you should use them to your full advantage. Feel free to drop your kids off for a few hours to tear through the books and look at all the pretty pictures. You don't have to worry about little Johnny getting his ice cream all over. Just set it down anywhere. The monkeys are also trained in maid services and will be more than happy to clean up after your sweet little boy.

Gift/card store

The young girl monkeys that work here are your personal shoppers, so feel free to demand the best service from them. Make sure that you tell them that the card you want should have rainbows and clouds on it. They will be able to find exactly what you are looking for in a split second. When they ask you what occasion it is for, they are trying to stall because they are lazy. They don't need to know that! They are able to tell by your voice if it's for a birthday or funeral.

All that glitter on the cards is annoying and unnecessary! Shake the card, pick at it, take a razor blade to it and scrape it all off! The girl monkeys will be happy to have something to clean up during the boring nights that they are there.

Make sure that these girl monkeys know that you pay their salary and you spend thousands of dollars in their store as you by your 99 cent card and make sure you ask for that senior discount!

Never ask for help when trying to get a breakable item out of the case. You will look weak and the girl monkeys will laugh at you. They keep the cases locked, not because of theft, but to try to get you to ask them for help. You can't be bothered lowering yourself to their level like that!

Video game store

There are machines set up to play games on for a reason...babysitter! Leave your kids at the store to play the newest games while you go and do your two months worth of grocery shopping. Your children will be fine.

The prices on the games are only a suggestion. Haggle your way to paying next to nothing for them. The managers love the thrill of it!

When trading games or systems, remember, they will take anything! Even if you smeared peanut butter inside the system to clean it up. And when you know you bought the game at $50 just last week, demand that it be traded for the same amount (since they can't use the word return for this). Don't believe them when they say it's corporate's decision. It's all lies!

Let your children hang off of, climb on, and lay down on all of the shelving and bins there. They look like they belong in a jungle gym anyway!

When the monkey asks you if you want to reserve the hottest title coming out in the last 10 years. Don't. They will have plenty coming in. And if they say they don't, your copy is sitting in the magic back room. When you go to get said copy and they tell you that you should have reserved it because they are sold out. Demand to speak with the manager to find it in that back room of theirs!

Registering for elementary, middle, and high school

Don't bring anything with you. They will have all the paperwork ready for you and all the information you need will be there.

There is no such "law" that they keep quoting stating that it has to be the parent or legal guardian of the child. You can register your brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, whomever!

No need to read and be bothered with writing. Just act as dumb as the monkey in the seat and she will fill out all those pesky forms for you.

When they tell you that you need two proofs of address, it does not need to be in your name. It also does not have to be anything recent. A bill from 5 years ago will be fine. And you can also use the Sunday sales papers as proof of address.

If you are living in someone else's house (or want to use their address) that person just needs to be there with you to tell them that. They are just lazy and don't want to do more work when they tell you to bring in a notarized letter. (What the heck is that anyway?)

Bring your husband or boyfriend or baby daddy with you. As well as your mom, dad, cousins, sisters, brothers, grandparents, and all 10 of your own children. There is plenty of space in that basement office for them all! Don't be discouraged by the strained looks on the monkeys faces as they try to squeeze by in a space barely big enough for two people. It's just that they are mad you are making them work.

Your child was an honor student in 4th grade in your country. This means they are to be placed in the 7th grade in America! It doesn't matter that they are only 8 years old, they'll be fine! They are smart enough!

If you are over the age of 18, and you missed some high school, or left because you were bored, they will have to take you back. Don't get caught up in that alternative school for adult stuff. You can still fit in with the 16 and 17 year olds, even though you are now 35.

And that's what I've got from my years of experience as a customer service monkey...

[Syriilord]

If you see something you want and it is only kept at the top of a 13 foot high set of shelves, by all means, wait for the monkey to finish bringing down the exact same one for someone else and start putting away the ladder before you mention to him that you want one of those yourself.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Back To School, and Deep Into Debt

It's the end of July, your children have been out of school for two months, and have been driving you up the wall the entire time complaining they're bored. A big store ad flyer just arrived in your mailbox.

That can mean only one thing: It will soon be time for the children to go Back to School! Joy! Joy! Oh rapturous day! It's the most wonderful time of the yeeeaaarrrrrr....

And thus it is time for you and your brood to begin shopping for Back to School necessities. Your back to school shopping will be most pleasurable and effective if you remember a few tips:

-When you go to the store, never make any attempt to keep your children under control, or necessarily close to you. Ideally, your children should be orbiting around you, shrieking gleefully and/or angrily, entranced in an aisle-devastating frenzy, scattering pencils, crayons, protractors and Hello Kitty folders hither and yon.

-At around the time you receive the store's Back to School ad, you should receive a list of required supplies from your child(ren)'s school(s). You may notice their teachers requiring color-coded notebooks and folders as an aid in organization. The requirements will always include folders and notebooks in some unobtainable color, such as chartreuse, puce, mother-of-pearl and Pantone 263.

This is for your child's own good. When you are unable to find notebooks and folders in the required colors, rest assured this is because the store hates you, and wants your child to grow up and become a bum or a drug addict or a United States Senator. Be sure to voice your outrage to the nearest store employee.

-Let's be honest here: Academic aptitude is not what's important in school or life beyond it. Popularity and proper wardrobe are. Therefore you and your children must always chase the latest fashion trends.

Boys need expensive sports jerseys. LeBron James and Brett Favre are tried-and-true favorites. Blue Jeans must be Diesel brand or more expensive, and always slung low enough for his underwear to be visible. What's the point of wearing your lucky rocket ship underpants if nobody can see them?

For girls, a black fleece jacket from the family dollar is not suitable for her to gird her torso in. It must be an official North Face black fleece jacket, available for $150 at fine sporting goods store anyway. Also, your daughter would rather die than be caught dead in a pair of $10 Faded Glory jeans from Wal-Mart. She needs the $95 pair of bootcut jeans from Abercrombie and Fitch with destruction details and several conspicuous holes in various places. And don't try to get off cheap with that $20 pair of clogs from Payless. All the stylish girls go to school with a $120 pair of Birkenstocks on their feet.

The same rules apply to gym clothes. Your children cannot be allowed to endure physical education in a drab gym uniform. T-shirts and muscle shirts in the latest moisture-wicking fabrics, cropped Juicy Couture sweatpants, and sneakers containing more technology than what normally goes up into space on the space shuttle are necessary.

If you cannot find these items at your average big box mart, scream at the nearest store employee about how you have run all over town, or even the state, to get your kid ready for school. If you can, complain incessantly about the prices, and buy them anyway while continuing to complain about the price. Take out a second mortgage if necessary.

-And most importantly--if you see another mom going for the last of something your child needs or wants for school, fight her to the death for it.

[snugglegirl05]

When Visitor parking is reserved

Of course I will raise the entrance gate to Visitor parking so you can 1) look for a spot or 2) wait inside the garage for a spot to become available

You will only be here for 5 minutes (even though it will take you longer than that to 1) wait for the elevator, 2) get to the dept. you are going to, 3) speak to someone, 4) pay for your parking, & 5) exit Visitor parking. No problem. I will let you park.

You are here with your son on the first day of fall semester. You arrive late in the morning well after everyone else has arrived. He is here to sign up for his classes & to pay his tuition. It is a zoo the first week of fall semester, & the only remaining spots in Visitor parking are the ones for people on the event list. You ask me if you call Administration they will let you park. Sorry...but Administration has to call the dept. over Visitor parking. So Administration does that. Are you able to park? No.

You ask me "what event is Visitor parking reserved for?" I am curious as to why you want to know since if you are not here for the event you will not be able to park.

Then there are the customers who say "I am here for the special event." I ask you "which event?" You repeat yourself. I repeat myself. You finally realize you will not be parking in Visitor parking.

Oh & then there was the customer who said "I just want to know so I can attend the event. It is sooo hard to find parking around here." Do you really think I will let you know which event it is?

Is there someone else you can speak to? This is after I told you no 3 times in 3 different ways. I call the parking office & have someone from that office speak to you. Well...that person also told you no.

Arguing on the phone with the person from the parking office does not help you. You were still told no, you cannot park.

[Exaspera]

Moar on Waiting Tables

While in a party of six, ask the waitperson(WP) for coffee. When she asks if anyone else wants coffee, nobody answer. When she returns with the coffee, one other person should ask for coffee. When she asks if anyone else wants coffee, nobody answer. When she returns with the coffee, one other person should ask for coffee. Repeat this four more times. Do the same thing with desserts and after dinner drinks.

Settle the check and leave a nice tip. Then ask for one more round of drinks. When the WP brings the drink check, tell her to take it out of her tip and leave.

Ask the WP to take your kids outside to play while you wait for your dinner to arrive. If she says "no," take the kids outside yourselves to play until dinner arrives, thus making the WP look everywhere for you when dinner is on the table. Complain about cold food when you get back to your table.

Steal the WP's pen after signing your credit card receipt. Leave an amount on the tip line and then sum up the total minus the tip.

Make the WP repeat the salad dressings for every single person at the table even though the salad dressings are written on the menu.

Give the WP an expired credit card to pay for your meal. Yell at the WP when she tells you. Give her another card. When she comes back to tell you that it's been declined, yell at her again.

Tell the WP that you "hate this place," and that you "tell all of your friends not to come here."

[KellyHabersham]

For Visiting the Library


- If you enjoy reading our Spanish-language magazines, don't forget to leave them in huge piles on tables in the children's room.....they should never be put back where they actually belong.

- If you've got a huge stroller, the proper place to leave it is where it blocks things as much as possible.....preferably one of the aisles. Also, please feel free to sit down and block the middle of the aisle when looking through books........staff and other customers don't need to access that particular area until you're done.

- All parents should feel free to let their children run around screaming and making a mess out of the children's room. Don't worry about cleaning up after your children, or making them do it themselves, that's what staff is here for!

- Don't forget to wait until the last minute to sign up for a library card, pay off fines,.....etc. Staff is here to serve you, and we don't mind waiting the extra few minutes until whatever you need is taken care of.

[Kristev]

I have a question. What does the SC do if there's a counter-SC around who lets her kids run around the store like hooligans and, at the same time, prevents the first SC from ruining an employee's day/life/job by doing it first and better?

[Lace Neil Singer]

This all needs to go on the front page. XXD

The Handbook For Ordering Pizza.

1. When ringing up your local pizza place, don't bother to listen to the dreary spiel that the pizza drone will always insist on telling you. Just begin your order and talk over them. It's for their own good; and after all, the delectable sound of your voice is a joy to listen to. Also, don't pay any attention to the drone insisting that you need to give them your phone number and address. They are only asking you so they can pass your information on to various evil spam companies for shits and giggles. After all, the drones are psychic and their collegues, the delivery peons, even more so. They don't really need to be told where you live in order to deliver you your cheesy goodness; they can magically read your mind and know straight away.

2. If you wish to order pizza one minute before closing time, feel free. The drones and driver peons don't actually have homes to go to. They are robots and will just switch themselves off at the end of the day. In any case, pizza is made by magic; just a wave of a wand, and it instantly appears. If the drones even dare to hint that pizza in fact takes fifteen minutes to prepare and then cook, they are telling lies cuz they are lazy and don't want to do the work for which you pay their salaries. Treat them with the contempt they deserve. Shout at them, belittle them and swear at them; drones deserve nothing less than your foulest temper.

3. When the driver peon arrives at the door, don't bother to greet him. You see, driver peons are of such low intelligence, that greeting him with a hello and a smile will just confuse him and have him stand there for ten minutes, scratching his head. Instead, shout at him and demand to know why he didn't teleport from the pizza place to the door in ten seconds. Yes, the drone did tell you that it would take half an hour, but that was just a lie. Drones tell this kind of lie all the time, cuz they are jealous of you and your fantastic life. Don't give them the satisfaction of believing them and making them think they've won.

4. Don't give the driver peon the money owed in correct change; hand him a twenty pound note, or, better yet, a fifty. Ignore his whines that he does not have enough change; all driver peons carry a bottomless bag of change as a matter of course. Alternatively, hand the driver peon a bucketfull of random change that you scraped from under the sofa to pay for your pizza. It will entertain him to have to count it all up and then put it in his bottomless change bag and will provide him with hours of fun having to drag it back to his van/moped.

5. If you feel bored, then feel free to play that amusing joke where you ring up and order pizza, and give a made up address! The pizza place owner will be incredibly happy that you put yourself out to entertain him and the drones he employs by playing this jolly jape, and he will just write off the expense ensured as a result. After all, he can afford to write off four pizzas, right? And the drones would only be standing around doing nothing, so you're doing them a favour.

[Dreamstalker]

ON GAMES:

Everyone knows that as long as one person in the country desires a game, it will never go out of print. Anyone that says it's out of print just wants the last copy for themselves. The store has a magic machine in the back that can print up any game, even if it doesn't actually exist.

Sure, you can have that Mox Jet in trade for a basic land. They're both cards, right?

If you come upon a game in progress, by all means look over the GM's shoulder and editorialize. After all, the players need to expect everything.

Those boxes of metal figures come with everything you need to play a full game. The racks of paint, tools and books beside them is just a nifty new advertising technique.

[JustaCashier]

Alternatively, hand the driver peon a bucketfull of random change that you scraped from under the sofa to pay for your pizza. It will entertain him to have to count it all up.........

(It will also bring tears of joy to his eyes, as he's reunited with bits of pizzas that he's delivered in the past, which are intermingled with the change!)


Mike