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Emergency Dishes
I feel asleep. >.>
The Simplest Question
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “…..uhhh…”
In all honesty, I really should be fully permitted to hang up right at this moment. Because that single, confused syllable tells me everything I need to know about this caller. Everything from educational level to gene pool depth is covered by this lone audible clue. Do you really think someone that cannot recall their own name has somehow earned enough funds to pay for the $500 worth of pants they are inevitable about to order?
I think not. The shininess of various products being worn by their fellow villagers was probably enough to catch their attention. Causing them to inquire as to how to obtain it. But rest assured their understanding of the explanation did not get past “Call number, yell for pants”. Which is likely where this call was heading before I threw a mental road block in her path by asking her to indentify herself.
They Grow Up So Fast
SC: “I’d like to find out something.”
Alright. My mind is a many splendored thing full of wondrous knowledge that covers all of 3 or 4 subjects tops on a good day. Ask away. I just hope this has something to do with video games or ninjas.
SC: “I just came back from out of town. I was on holidays with my sister. I just came all the way back from Oregon-“
This may come as a shock, but you can ask me a question without giving me 5 minutes of plot exposition first. Despite what you may think, your life is not a sitcom and no one really cares what’s going on it except for your immediate family and friends. And even that is debatable. So you can skip this “Previously, on” lead in and just get on with the show.
SC: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water!”
See if you just said that to begin with, I could have answered you immediately and this entire exchange would have taken less then 15 seconds. So, for your information, yes there is no hot water in your building. Your boiler exploded or some such. However, someone is on site replacing it. But it will not be back on till the morning.
You are now up to date on the plot.
SC: “Oh god! What am I suppose to do now?!”
Enjoy a brisk, refreshing shower rather than a warm, steamy one? Why are you asking me? I am here for building maintenance. Not to provide alternative bathing suggestions. Though if you truly want my input on the matter, you could attempt to tongue bath yourself and then spit in a cloth to reach everywhere else. It might take a while but at least saliva is warm.
SC: “So there is no hot water and I cannot have a shower?!”
I believe that’s what I said, yes. I am happy that you are finally beginning to grasp the situation, so we can move on with our lives and the healing can begin.
SC: “What am I suppose to do?”
You already asked me that and I believe my flagrant display of sarcasm indicated I did not care in the slightest.
SC: “This has to happen today?! When I just got back from driving all day back from Oregon with my sister?”
Yes, the boiler was just waiting for the day it knew you were coming back before it blew. This was all carefully orchestrated to affect you personally as its clearly impossible for any other mitigating factors to exist in this universe. As it, afterall, revolves around your person.
SC: “IT'S NOT ENOUGH! ITS NOT FAIR! ITS NOT FAAAAAAIIR!”
BUT I WANT THIS TOY, MOM! I WANT IT NOOOOW! ITS NOT FAIR! I NEVER GET ANYTHING I WANT! WHY WHY WHY!? YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!
SC: “You tell them to work as hard and as fast as possible. Because I want hot water NOW!”
Then I would invite you to go boil a pot. After which you may sit upon it and rotate.
Specifics
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Size? …..I wonder….”
Do not wonder. That was not a rhetorical question. There is nothing to wonder, ponder nor muse. The answer should be definitive. It should be based on cold, hard facts. Raw, unquestionable evidence. We are not in the realm of the hypothetical! You should know these things. You should know these things before you order. As they are quite imperative to the success of your order.
So find a tape measure, ruler, yard stick or whatever else and track down whomever it is that will be wearing these garments. Then bring me their measurements condensed into the same format as a MacDonald’s soft drink cup size. If they are unwilling to cooperate, assault them if you must. It matters not if they are conscious for the measuring process. But you will bring me their shape.
Do not fail me.
Argh
You know, there’s a long and ever growing list of terms that I simply do not wish to hear. Ever. Nevermind over the course of a call. This list is quite expansive, and I truly thought I had covered pretty much every possible contingency. I was wrong. So on that note, I would like to add, and I quote: “My swollen private parts” to the list of things I never, ever want to hear again in my life.
The Saga
Little back story here. This drunken jackass has been trying to get a hold of someone in the client's office. Since 3pm. That person is not answering their phone. Probably because they know exactly whose calling. What follows is the story of this particular withering cuntstrudel. Keep in mind, he's already been calling since 3pm. It is now 11pm and I have just taken over the helm.
SC: “I’ve called about 20 times in the last 3 days, its imporish and its an emergency.”
Me: “Alright, we’ve left a message for him every time you’ve called-“
SC: “Ish an emergency! Can you get a old of him?”
Me: “We’ve left a message everytime you’ve called and let him know its an emergency. There’s not much else we can do.”
SC: “Well I’m going to court, I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HESH DOING”
Me: “I don’t know, I’m afraid-“
SC: “Wesh I’m gonna be left in limbo.”
Me: “There’s not much else I can do, the office is closed and we’re the message desk.”
SC: “Well it’s an emergency! Can you get a hold of him?”
Me: “No, we’ve already tried. We’ve left a message every time and told him it’s an emergency. But that’s all we can do.”
SC: “Thatsh not helpin’ me. Whatever. Can you try and get a hold of him?”
Me: “We haven’t been able to get a hold of him this evening, I can leave another message for you?”
SC: “I can do thish. If I can’ get a hold of em, what am I suppush to do?”
Me: “I’m only the message desk, I can’t help you there, I-“
SC: “Try and get a hold of him RIGHT NOW. Itsh an emergency!”
Me: “I’ll leave another message for him and let him know it’s an emergency, alright?”
SC: “Okay.”
Those are not typos on a side note. It’s a particular dialect of English that I believe is known as “Jack Daniels”. Note the persist mental loop he’s caught in whereby he seems to be under the impression “Ish an emergency!” will somehow unlock a secret path to his lawyer. Regardless of what you say, he simply returns to this single slurred statement as if it will somehow change anything. I can’t even begin to count how many times I have heard this statement so far this evening.
The Saga - Part 2
SC: “Yesh, <guy he's looking for>? Are you there?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Are you <guy he's looking for>?”
Me: “No, I’m the message desk. Their office is closed, I’m afraid he’s not in at this hour. Their lines are forwarded.”
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can do but leave another message for you-“
SC: “Are they sayin’ they don’t wanna talk to meh?”
No, but I imagine they don’t anyway if past history is any indication.
Me: “No, we’re only getting their voicemail.”
SC: “Try somefin!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can try-”
SC: “Try and get a hold of one of dem! Ish an emergency!”
Me: “We can’t get a hold of them, we’re only getting voicemail.”
SC: “So what am I supposh to do?”
Me: “I’m only their message service. I can’t advise you.”
SC: “Jush a message service…..I WANNA GET A HOLD OF ONE OF THEM”
Me: “I’m afr-“
SC: “THISH IS VERY IMPORTANT!!$ I HAFTA GO TO COURT AN I WANNA GET A HOLD OF ONE OF THEM!”
Oh, I’m sorry. You’re speaking in your Capslock voice now, so I can’t help you any longer. Once you grow up and learn to use your Indoor Voice™ again maybe I’ll speak to you. But as for now, I’m afraid I have to hit the bye bye button as I’m not going to be yelled at by some fucking lush all evening.
The Saga - Part 3
Me: “I’ve already told you, all I can do is leave another message for them.”
SC: “Come on, did they go on holidays?!”
Me: “I don’t know, its 3am”
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can do exc-“
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “All I can do for you is leave another message, alright?”
SC: “No! Jush try and do your best and get a hold of one of them. DISH IS AN EMERGENCY!”
Being the proud owner of a sizable collection of them at home, I can say with some confidence that no, dishes are not an emergency.
Me: “All I can do is leave another message.”
SC: “Well I haven’t got a call back, so I don’ know. I said ish an emergency, can’t you get a hold of them?”
Me: “No, I can’t-“
SC: “Neither one of them?”
Me: “Neither one of them, they aren’t answering their phone at this hour.”
SC: “I don’ know whas going on, I said dish an emergency.”
Me: “There’s nothing else I can do except leave another message for you”
SC: “I got 25 messages there!”
Me: “Yes….we’re aware.”
Vividly aware.
SC: “Well can you try and get a hold of em?!”
Me: “I can’t do anything except leave another mes-“
SC: “DISH IS AN EMERGENCY!!!”
Me: “It doesn't matter, they are not answering and their voicemail is full from the amount of messages you’ve left so far. So there is nothing further I can do.”
SC: “I understand what you’re saying, but ISH AN EMERGENCY! I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF DEM NOW!”
Clearly you do not understand what I am saying. I’m saying there is literally nothing else I can do. We have exhausted all avenues of approach for you. And the sheer amount of calls you’ve already placed has jammed the voicemail boxes of every lawyer in the office to the brim. I can’t even leave messages for them now. All thanks to you. See what you’ve done?
Me: “Look, it’s not going to happen, alright? They aren’t answering their phone because of how late it is, and their voicemail is full. There is nothing else I can do.”
SC: “Wha am I supposh to do?!?!”
I can think of a variety of things you could go do. But honestly most of them involve rotating, jamming and/or fire. So you probably don’t want to listen to any of my suggestions.
Me: "You'll have to wait until the morning-"
SC: "BUT DISH AN EMERGENCY!@$!"
Me: "It doesn't matter."
SC: "Whoa! Um...uh...<click>"
My apologies, normally I try to keep Diablo sealed within. But I lost my grip on him for a moment there. Inadvertently giving you a glimpse of the blackness within. Although I think this is literally the first time I have terrified a caller into hanging up. I'm not sure if I should be proud of myself or disturbed.
The Saga - Part 4
( Terrifying him actually bought me about 2 hours of peace and quiet before he started again... )
SC: “I want <Lawyer A> or <Lawyer B>!”
Me: “I can’t get a hold of either of them and calling over and over isn’t going to change anything.”
SC: “DON’T YEW UNDERSTAND?!@#$?”
No, no I do not. Nor do I want to. In fact I am actually rather relieved I don’t understand. Because if I did, I would have some worrisome doubts as to both my IQ and current blood alcohol level.
The Saga - Part 5
SC: “I WANT <LAWYER>!”
Me: “As I have told you several times this evening, I can’t get a hold of other of them.”
SC: “After 3 days, I have to, DISH AN EMERGENCY!!”
Me: “It does not matter. I cannot get a hold of them. They are not answering their phones. Their voicemails are full. There is nothing further I can do for you.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?!”
Me: “No, I do not.”
SC: “Well if I don’t get a hold of em, I’m screwed.”
Me: “Well, there is nothing I can do for you at this point. Literally, nothing.”
SC: “Uh….whadumda….lemme think….um…..thinkin’…….umm…..”
Apparently I have finally constructed a wall of logic to tall for him to crawl over even in his severely marinated state. Go me.
The Saga - Part 6
SC: “Same person?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “I don’t mean to bug you-“
Mhmm.
SC: “-do you have <Random guy I've never heard of>’s number?”
Me: “No I do not.”
SC: “Can you look it up?”
Me: “No I cannot.”
SC: “This isn’t funny to me!”
Me: “It’s not particularly amusing to me either.”
SC: “You got another number?”
Me: “I have no other numbers, no.”
SC: “He doesn’t have an emergency one?”
Me: “No, he doesn’t.”
SC: “Well, I gotta get a hold of <random guy>. You don’t have his number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I gotta find a pen here…..can you look it up for me?”
Me: “No, I can’t.”
SC: “Well<lawyer> isn’t there, so I gotta call <random guy>.”
Me: “I have no idea who that is.”
SC: “He use to be downtown-“
I did not mean I want to know either.
SC: “I NEED TO GET A HOLD OF SOMEBODY!!”
Me: “I am not going to be able to get a hold of someone for you. It’s 3:30 in the morning. They’re probably in bed. They’re not answering their phones. Their voicemails are full. I have no other contacts. Understand?”
SC: “Do they have an emergency number?”
How many times do I have to answer the exact same set of questions before they manage to gain enough net weight to sink beneath the surface of the ocean of liquor your mind has submerged itself beneath? I do not have the time nor patience to sit here and keep hurdling depth charges overboard.
The Saga - Part 7
SC: “Same person?”
Me: “Yes, I’m the only one here.”
SC: “Uuuhhh…..”
I take it whatever cunning plan you had in mind was hinging on being able to get a different and hopefully more magical operator? Sorry to disappoint. There’s no one here but me and my contempt.
The Saga - Part 8
SC: “Yeah, uh, you’re the same person?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Ok, dish is an EMERGENCY”
Me: “I don’t have any other contacts, there is nothing further I can do. I’ve done everything I possibly can.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?”
Me: “No, I don’t”
SC: “Have you got a number for <random guy>?”
Me: “No, I don’t”
SC: “<random gum>?”
Me: “I don’t have a number for anyone by that name.”
SC: “Well if I can’t get a hold of <lawyer>, I gotta call <random guy>.”
Me: “I don’t know who that is, so I can’t help you there.”
SC: “THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!!”
Me: “I don’t know who that is, I don’t have a number for him, so I cannot help you.”
SC: “I don’t believe it! You actually can’t?”
Me: “No, I can’t”
SC: “If you ever needed a lawyer, I wouldn’t help you!!”
If you wish to actually inflict verbal damage upon me, I highly suggest reference material that ranks above Peewee’s Playhouse. There is absolutely no reason why I would ever go to you or through you to obtain a lawyer and the only reason I would need one is because I’ve done something to you. In which case you would not be present anyhow and they would still be busy trying to identify you from dental records.
SC: “You can’t get a hold of, uh…<random guy>…or um….just…this person…I had him all the time! DISH IS AN EMERGENCY! You can’t even give me a phone number?”
Me: “I can’t give you a phone number for someone I don’t even know.”
SC: “Put me through to anybody!”
I’ll admit, I had a brief desire to patch him through to Pizza Hut. But I don’t know there number off hand.
By this point you're probably wondering something along the lines of "What the FUCK is this man's problem and why has no one in his life giving him a sideways crowbar suppository yet?". Well, as it turns out, numbnuts has a court date ( for DUI, naturally ) and he has a question about his case. A question. The court date is 4 days away. But he has a question. So obviously this is important enough to call for over 12 hours straight placing on average one call every 15 minutes. With some calls being only 3 or 4 minutes apart.
He did finally give up / pass out by 4am. But as soon as he roused once again, he began calling my coworkers later in the day shift.
Hell, for all I know, he's still calling them now as I type.
....
SC: “Someone’s having sex in the pool.”
Ok, its scenarios like this that really beg the question: “And what do you want me to do about it?”. Because seriously….what do you expect me to do? Throw something at them? Turn the hose on them? I certainly can’t page anyone and try to tell them that. I’m quite positive "The Hump Aquatic" is not on the emergency list.
Sigh
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “That’s everything?”
SC: “No.”
Is it really too much to ask for this line to be prefixed with an automated skill testing question they have to punch in the answer too first? Before they can talk to a live operator? Nothing overly complex. Basic arithmetic should be enough to sift out at least half of the calls on this line. If they can’t overcome the fearsome hurdle of “5 + 8 – 2” it’s unlikely they have enough funds to pay for their order anyhow.
Colours?
Me: “What colour would you like?”
SC: “Black.”
Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t come in black.”
SC: “Oh, uh, what colours does it come in?”
Aquatic Blue and Weimaraner. What is Weimaraner, you ask? That’s a good question. Wikipedia tells me it’s a breed of dog known for having deep rooted separation anxiety disorders. So, er, yeah. Blue or Depressed Dog. Take your pick.
The Worst Possible Phrase
Some transient scallywag made a Spare Change attempt on me this evening. Not a particularly unusual occurrence. But noteworthy because he began his sales pitch with “Excuse me, could you find it in your heart-“. To which the immediate answer is no. No, I cannot. I work in the custody service industry. There is nothing to be found within my heart except darkness, coal and the distant, hollow screams of tormented souls trapped in a colourless void between worlds.
Now, if he had perhaps used the correct address: “Beg your mercy, dark one”, I might have been more lenient.
annnnd rest.
The Simplest Question
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “…..uhhh…”
In all honesty, I really should be fully permitted to hang up right at this moment. Because that single, confused syllable tells me everything I need to know about this caller. Everything from educational level to gene pool depth is covered by this lone audible clue. Do you really think someone that cannot recall their own name has somehow earned enough funds to pay for the $500 worth of pants they are inevitable about to order?
I think not. The shininess of various products being worn by their fellow villagers was probably enough to catch their attention. Causing them to inquire as to how to obtain it. But rest assured their understanding of the explanation did not get past “Call number, yell for pants”. Which is likely where this call was heading before I threw a mental road block in her path by asking her to indentify herself.
They Grow Up So Fast
SC: “I’d like to find out something.”
Alright. My mind is a many splendored thing full of wondrous knowledge that covers all of 3 or 4 subjects tops on a good day. Ask away. I just hope this has something to do with video games or ninjas.
SC: “I just came back from out of town. I was on holidays with my sister. I just came all the way back from Oregon-“
This may come as a shock, but you can ask me a question without giving me 5 minutes of plot exposition first. Despite what you may think, your life is not a sitcom and no one really cares what’s going on it except for your immediate family and friends. And even that is debatable. So you can skip this “Previously, on” lead in and just get on with the show.
SC: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water!”
See if you just said that to begin with, I could have answered you immediately and this entire exchange would have taken less then 15 seconds. So, for your information, yes there is no hot water in your building. Your boiler exploded or some such. However, someone is on site replacing it. But it will not be back on till the morning.
You are now up to date on the plot.
SC: “Oh god! What am I suppose to do now?!”
Enjoy a brisk, refreshing shower rather than a warm, steamy one? Why are you asking me? I am here for building maintenance. Not to provide alternative bathing suggestions. Though if you truly want my input on the matter, you could attempt to tongue bath yourself and then spit in a cloth to reach everywhere else. It might take a while but at least saliva is warm.
SC: “So there is no hot water and I cannot have a shower?!”
I believe that’s what I said, yes. I am happy that you are finally beginning to grasp the situation, so we can move on with our lives and the healing can begin.
SC: “What am I suppose to do?”
You already asked me that and I believe my flagrant display of sarcasm indicated I did not care in the slightest.
SC: “This has to happen today?! When I just got back from driving all day back from Oregon with my sister?”
Yes, the boiler was just waiting for the day it knew you were coming back before it blew. This was all carefully orchestrated to affect you personally as its clearly impossible for any other mitigating factors to exist in this universe. As it, afterall, revolves around your person.
SC: “IT'S NOT ENOUGH! ITS NOT FAIR! ITS NOT FAAAAAAIIR!”
BUT I WANT THIS TOY, MOM! I WANT IT NOOOOW! ITS NOT FAIR! I NEVER GET ANYTHING I WANT! WHY WHY WHY!? YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!
SC: “You tell them to work as hard and as fast as possible. Because I want hot water NOW!”
Then I would invite you to go boil a pot. After which you may sit upon it and rotate.
Specifics
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Size? …..I wonder….”
Do not wonder. That was not a rhetorical question. There is nothing to wonder, ponder nor muse. The answer should be definitive. It should be based on cold, hard facts. Raw, unquestionable evidence. We are not in the realm of the hypothetical! You should know these things. You should know these things before you order. As they are quite imperative to the success of your order.
So find a tape measure, ruler, yard stick or whatever else and track down whomever it is that will be wearing these garments. Then bring me their measurements condensed into the same format as a MacDonald’s soft drink cup size. If they are unwilling to cooperate, assault them if you must. It matters not if they are conscious for the measuring process. But you will bring me their shape.
Do not fail me.
Argh
You know, there’s a long and ever growing list of terms that I simply do not wish to hear. Ever. Nevermind over the course of a call. This list is quite expansive, and I truly thought I had covered pretty much every possible contingency. I was wrong. So on that note, I would like to add, and I quote: “My swollen private parts” to the list of things I never, ever want to hear again in my life.
The Saga
Little back story here. This drunken jackass has been trying to get a hold of someone in the client's office. Since 3pm. That person is not answering their phone. Probably because they know exactly whose calling. What follows is the story of this particular withering cuntstrudel. Keep in mind, he's already been calling since 3pm. It is now 11pm and I have just taken over the helm.
SC: “I’ve called about 20 times in the last 3 days, its imporish and its an emergency.”
Me: “Alright, we’ve left a message for him every time you’ve called-“
SC: “Ish an emergency! Can you get a old of him?”
Me: “We’ve left a message everytime you’ve called and let him know its an emergency. There’s not much else we can do.”
SC: “Well I’m going to court, I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HESH DOING”
Me: “I don’t know, I’m afraid-“
SC: “Wesh I’m gonna be left in limbo.”
Me: “There’s not much else I can do, the office is closed and we’re the message desk.”
SC: “Well it’s an emergency! Can you get a hold of him?”
Me: “No, we’ve already tried. We’ve left a message every time and told him it’s an emergency. But that’s all we can do.”
SC: “Thatsh not helpin’ me. Whatever. Can you try and get a hold of him?”
Me: “We haven’t been able to get a hold of him this evening, I can leave another message for you?”
SC: “I can do thish. If I can’ get a hold of em, what am I suppush to do?”
Me: “I’m only the message desk, I can’t help you there, I-“
SC: “Try and get a hold of him RIGHT NOW. Itsh an emergency!”
Me: “I’ll leave another message for him and let him know it’s an emergency, alright?”
SC: “Okay.”
Those are not typos on a side note. It’s a particular dialect of English that I believe is known as “Jack Daniels”. Note the persist mental loop he’s caught in whereby he seems to be under the impression “Ish an emergency!” will somehow unlock a secret path to his lawyer. Regardless of what you say, he simply returns to this single slurred statement as if it will somehow change anything. I can’t even begin to count how many times I have heard this statement so far this evening.
The Saga - Part 2
SC: “Yesh, <guy he's looking for>? Are you there?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Are you <guy he's looking for>?”
Me: “No, I’m the message desk. Their office is closed, I’m afraid he’s not in at this hour. Their lines are forwarded.”
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can do but leave another message for you-“
SC: “Are they sayin’ they don’t wanna talk to meh?”
No, but I imagine they don’t anyway if past history is any indication.
Me: “No, we’re only getting their voicemail.”
SC: “Try somefin!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can try-”
SC: “Try and get a hold of one of dem! Ish an emergency!”
Me: “We can’t get a hold of them, we’re only getting voicemail.”
SC: “So what am I supposh to do?”
Me: “I’m only their message service. I can’t advise you.”
SC: “Jush a message service…..I WANNA GET A HOLD OF ONE OF THEM”
Me: “I’m afr-“
SC: “THISH IS VERY IMPORTANT!!$ I HAFTA GO TO COURT AN I WANNA GET A HOLD OF ONE OF THEM!”
Oh, I’m sorry. You’re speaking in your Capslock voice now, so I can’t help you any longer. Once you grow up and learn to use your Indoor Voice™ again maybe I’ll speak to you. But as for now, I’m afraid I have to hit the bye bye button as I’m not going to be yelled at by some fucking lush all evening.
The Saga - Part 3
Me: “I’ve already told you, all I can do is leave another message for them.”
SC: “Come on, did they go on holidays?!”
Me: “I don’t know, its 3am”
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “There’s nothing further I can do exc-“
SC: “Dish is an emergency!”
Me: “All I can do for you is leave another message, alright?”
SC: “No! Jush try and do your best and get a hold of one of them. DISH IS AN EMERGENCY!”
Being the proud owner of a sizable collection of them at home, I can say with some confidence that no, dishes are not an emergency.
Me: “All I can do is leave another message.”
SC: “Well I haven’t got a call back, so I don’ know. I said ish an emergency, can’t you get a hold of them?”
Me: “No, I can’t-“
SC: “Neither one of them?”
Me: “Neither one of them, they aren’t answering their phone at this hour.”
SC: “I don’ know whas going on, I said dish an emergency.”
Me: “There’s nothing else I can do except leave another message for you”
SC: “I got 25 messages there!”
Me: “Yes….we’re aware.”
Vividly aware.
SC: “Well can you try and get a hold of em?!”
Me: “I can’t do anything except leave another mes-“
SC: “DISH IS AN EMERGENCY!!!”
Me: “It doesn't matter, they are not answering and their voicemail is full from the amount of messages you’ve left so far. So there is nothing further I can do.”
SC: “I understand what you’re saying, but ISH AN EMERGENCY! I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF DEM NOW!”
Clearly you do not understand what I am saying. I’m saying there is literally nothing else I can do. We have exhausted all avenues of approach for you. And the sheer amount of calls you’ve already placed has jammed the voicemail boxes of every lawyer in the office to the brim. I can’t even leave messages for them now. All thanks to you. See what you’ve done?
Me: “Look, it’s not going to happen, alright? They aren’t answering their phone because of how late it is, and their voicemail is full. There is nothing else I can do.”
SC: “Wha am I supposh to do?!?!”
I can think of a variety of things you could go do. But honestly most of them involve rotating, jamming and/or fire. So you probably don’t want to listen to any of my suggestions.
Me: "You'll have to wait until the morning-"
SC: "BUT DISH AN EMERGENCY!@$!"
Me: "It doesn't matter."
SC: "Whoa! Um...uh...<click>"
My apologies, normally I try to keep Diablo sealed within. But I lost my grip on him for a moment there. Inadvertently giving you a glimpse of the blackness within. Although I think this is literally the first time I have terrified a caller into hanging up. I'm not sure if I should be proud of myself or disturbed.
The Saga - Part 4
( Terrifying him actually bought me about 2 hours of peace and quiet before he started again... )
SC: “I want <Lawyer A> or <Lawyer B>!”
Me: “I can’t get a hold of either of them and calling over and over isn’t going to change anything.”
SC: “DON’T YEW UNDERSTAND?!@#$?”
No, no I do not. Nor do I want to. In fact I am actually rather relieved I don’t understand. Because if I did, I would have some worrisome doubts as to both my IQ and current blood alcohol level.
The Saga - Part 5
SC: “I WANT <LAWYER>!”
Me: “As I have told you several times this evening, I can’t get a hold of other of them.”
SC: “After 3 days, I have to, DISH AN EMERGENCY!!”
Me: “It does not matter. I cannot get a hold of them. They are not answering their phones. Their voicemails are full. There is nothing further I can do for you.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?!”
Me: “No, I do not.”
SC: “Well if I don’t get a hold of em, I’m screwed.”
Me: “Well, there is nothing I can do for you at this point. Literally, nothing.”
SC: “Uh….whadumda….lemme think….um…..thinkin’…….umm…..”
Apparently I have finally constructed a wall of logic to tall for him to crawl over even in his severely marinated state. Go me.
The Saga - Part 6
SC: “Same person?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “I don’t mean to bug you-“
Mhmm.
SC: “-do you have <Random guy I've never heard of>’s number?”
Me: “No I do not.”
SC: “Can you look it up?”
Me: “No I cannot.”
SC: “This isn’t funny to me!”
Me: “It’s not particularly amusing to me either.”
SC: “You got another number?”
Me: “I have no other numbers, no.”
SC: “He doesn’t have an emergency one?”
Me: “No, he doesn’t.”
SC: “Well, I gotta get a hold of <random guy>. You don’t have his number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I gotta find a pen here…..can you look it up for me?”
Me: “No, I can’t.”
SC: “Well<lawyer> isn’t there, so I gotta call <random guy>.”
Me: “I have no idea who that is.”
SC: “He use to be downtown-“
I did not mean I want to know either.
SC: “I NEED TO GET A HOLD OF SOMEBODY!!”
Me: “I am not going to be able to get a hold of someone for you. It’s 3:30 in the morning. They’re probably in bed. They’re not answering their phones. Their voicemails are full. I have no other contacts. Understand?”
SC: “Do they have an emergency number?”
How many times do I have to answer the exact same set of questions before they manage to gain enough net weight to sink beneath the surface of the ocean of liquor your mind has submerged itself beneath? I do not have the time nor patience to sit here and keep hurdling depth charges overboard.
The Saga - Part 7
SC: “Same person?”
Me: “Yes, I’m the only one here.”
SC: “Uuuhhh…..”
I take it whatever cunning plan you had in mind was hinging on being able to get a different and hopefully more magical operator? Sorry to disappoint. There’s no one here but me and my contempt.
The Saga - Part 8
SC: “Yeah, uh, you’re the same person?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Ok, dish is an EMERGENCY”
Me: “I don’t have any other contacts, there is nothing further I can do. I’ve done everything I possibly can.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?”
Me: “No, I don’t”
SC: “Have you got a number for <random guy>?”
Me: “No, I don’t”
SC: “<random gum>?”
Me: “I don’t have a number for anyone by that name.”
SC: “Well if I can’t get a hold of <lawyer>, I gotta call <random guy>.”
Me: “I don’t know who that is, so I can’t help you there.”
SC: “THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!!”
Me: “I don’t know who that is, I don’t have a number for him, so I cannot help you.”
SC: “I don’t believe it! You actually can’t?”
Me: “No, I can’t”
SC: “If you ever needed a lawyer, I wouldn’t help you!!”
If you wish to actually inflict verbal damage upon me, I highly suggest reference material that ranks above Peewee’s Playhouse. There is absolutely no reason why I would ever go to you or through you to obtain a lawyer and the only reason I would need one is because I’ve done something to you. In which case you would not be present anyhow and they would still be busy trying to identify you from dental records.
SC: “You can’t get a hold of, uh…<random guy>…or um….just…this person…I had him all the time! DISH IS AN EMERGENCY! You can’t even give me a phone number?”
Me: “I can’t give you a phone number for someone I don’t even know.”
SC: “Put me through to anybody!”
I’ll admit, I had a brief desire to patch him through to Pizza Hut. But I don’t know there number off hand.
By this point you're probably wondering something along the lines of "What the FUCK is this man's problem and why has no one in his life giving him a sideways crowbar suppository yet?". Well, as it turns out, numbnuts has a court date ( for DUI, naturally ) and he has a question about his case. A question. The court date is 4 days away. But he has a question. So obviously this is important enough to call for over 12 hours straight placing on average one call every 15 minutes. With some calls being only 3 or 4 minutes apart.
He did finally give up / pass out by 4am. But as soon as he roused once again, he began calling my coworkers later in the day shift.
Hell, for all I know, he's still calling them now as I type.
....
SC: “Someone’s having sex in the pool.”
Ok, its scenarios like this that really beg the question: “And what do you want me to do about it?”. Because seriously….what do you expect me to do? Throw something at them? Turn the hose on them? I certainly can’t page anyone and try to tell them that. I’m quite positive "The Hump Aquatic" is not on the emergency list.
Sigh
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “That’s everything?”
SC: “No.”
Is it really too much to ask for this line to be prefixed with an automated skill testing question they have to punch in the answer too first? Before they can talk to a live operator? Nothing overly complex. Basic arithmetic should be enough to sift out at least half of the calls on this line. If they can’t overcome the fearsome hurdle of “5 + 8 – 2” it’s unlikely they have enough funds to pay for their order anyhow.
Colours?
Me: “What colour would you like?”
SC: “Black.”
Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t come in black.”
SC: “Oh, uh, what colours does it come in?”
Aquatic Blue and Weimaraner. What is Weimaraner, you ask? That’s a good question. Wikipedia tells me it’s a breed of dog known for having deep rooted separation anxiety disorders. So, er, yeah. Blue or Depressed Dog. Take your pick.
The Worst Possible Phrase
Some transient scallywag made a Spare Change attempt on me this evening. Not a particularly unusual occurrence. But noteworthy because he began his sales pitch with “Excuse me, could you find it in your heart-“. To which the immediate answer is no. No, I cannot. I work in the custody service industry. There is nothing to be found within my heart except darkness, coal and the distant, hollow screams of tormented souls trapped in a colourless void between worlds.
Now, if he had perhaps used the correct address: “Beg your mercy, dark one”, I might have been more lenient.
annnnd rest.
At least I've never forgotten my name, though... unless you count getting used to my new name right after I got married.
Grave, I absolutely adore your posts. Mostly cause well the people forgetting their names reminds me of the people who forget their FRIENDS names.. when they call my hotel. And I feel for you dealing with 10,000 more idiots than I will ever have to. Would you like a cookie?
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