Emergency Dishes

[Jester]

SC: “So there is no hot water and I cannot have a shower?!”

More accurately, there is no hot water. You CAN still have a shower. It would just be a cold shower. But you can have it.

SC: “What am I suppose to do?”

The choices here seem simple enough:
1. Take a cold shower.
2. Don't shower.

I'm not even a college graduate and I can work that one out. Now stop bothering GK with idiotic questions like this.

SC: “This has to happen today?! When I just got back from driving all day back from Oregon with my sister?”

No, it did not HAVE to happen today. It just DID happen today. Stop this "woe is me" bullshit act of yours. Despite what many of you think, neither the world nor the universe revolves around you. In other words, cork it, Sparky.

Do not fail me.

Somehow saying this to your customers seems a bit.....unlikely to end well. Because they are so full of fail, how can they NOT fail you? Or anyone else that has ever asked them to do anything at all?


The Saga (edited for my amusement and, honestly, to boil down this whole thing to its most basic element.)

SC: “Ish an emergency! Can you get a old of him?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Well it’s an emergency! Can you get a hold of him?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Thatsh not helpin’ me. Whatever. Can you try and get a hold of him?”
Me: No.”
SC: “Try and get a hold of him RIGHT NOW. Itsh an emergency!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Are you <guy he's looking for>?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “No! Jush try and do your best and get a hold of one of them. DISH IS AN EMERGENCY!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Well I haven’t got a call back, so I don’ know. I said ish an emergency, can’t you get a hold of them?”
Me: “No.“
SC: “Neither one of them?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Well can you try and get a hold of em?!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I want <Lawyer A> or <Lawyer B>!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I WANT <LAWYER>!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?!”
Me: “No.”
SC: “-do you have <Random guy I've never heard of>’s number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Can you look it up?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You got another number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “He doesn’t have an emergency one?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Well, I gotta get a hold of <random guy>. You don’t have his number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I gotta find a pen here…..can you look it up for me?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Do they have an emergency number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You don’t have an emergency number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Have you got a number for <random guy>?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “<random guy>?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “I don’t believe it! You actually can’t?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “You can’t get a hold of, uh…<random guy>…or um….just…this person…I had him all the time! DISH IS AN EMERGENCY! You can’t even give me a phone number?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Put me through to anybody!”
Me: “No.”

Clearly you do not understand what I am saying.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

I choose to believe your use of the term 'custody service' is intentional.

Actually its not, but perhaps my spell check has a sense of humour. -.-

Nothing wrong with your spell check. "Custody" was spelled perfectly. Unfortunately, spell check is not yet advanced enough to catch us using the wrong word. One day it will be able to catch that, and many people will be happier. Lazier, but happier.

Of course, the day they invent a mental spell check so that we can prevent ourselves from speaking the wrong word or words, men everywhere will breathe a sigh of relief. And rejoice. And by "men" I mean, of course, men with girlfriends and/or wives.

[infinitemonkies]

The Simplest Question

Is it possible all these orders you get are actually an elaborate prank?
Maybe there's some late-night radio DJ who gets people to make ridiculous calls to you to see how you'll react, and its being broadcast to dozens of listeners who laugh at it until they piss their mail-order pants? Also, have you considered becoming a pirate radio host and broadcast your calls while you work?

Seriously, what I'm really curious about is what percentage of these COD orders ever get picked up? Though I'll understand if you don't have access to that information and/or aren't allowed to tell us.

They Grow Up So Fast

SC: “Oh god! What am I suppose to do now?!”

Enjoy a brisk, refreshing shower rather than a warm, steamy one? Why are you asking me? I am here for building maintenance. Not to provide alternative bathing suggestions. Though if you truly want my input on the matter, you could attempt to tongue bath yourself and then spit in a cloth to reach everywhere else. It might take a while but at least saliva is warm.

I had this same problem one day last week. So instead of bitching that the guy who was at that moment working on it was inconveniencing me by not already being done, I STFU and took a quick cold shower & went to work.

cuntstrudel.

Well done, sir. Well done.

Those are not typos on a side note. It’s a particular dialect of English that I believe is known as “Jack Daniels”.

Isn't that the prevalent dialect back east where you grew up?

SC: “Someone’s having sex in the pool.”

Ok, its scenarios like this that really beg the question: “And what do you want me to do about it?”

I may have told this story before:
When I was still new to being a night auditor, a guest in the hotel rang the front desk and confided in me "I think the guys in the room next to me are homosexuals."
...Awkward pause before I reply "Would you like me to ask them to keep the noise down?"
"Oh no," he says. "I just thought someone should know."
My mental reply: "Right, I'll alert the authorities."

At the time I assumed it was some mild passive-aggressive homophobia, but after a day or so it occurred to me that maybe he'd assumed I was gay and he was just trying to hook a brother up with a 3-way.

Is it really too much to ask for this line to be prefixed with an automated skill testing question they have to punch in the answer too first?

This may horrify you: Such a clever filter is already in place. The ones who get through are the elite, the best of the best. Consider how many hundreds if not thousands of calls per year on this line you've avoided because they weren't able to dial the correct number?

Grave, I absolutely adore your posts. Mostly cause well the people forgetting their names reminds me of the people who forget their FRIENDS names.. when they call my hotel. And I feel for you dealing with 10,000 more idiots than I will ever have to. Would you like a cookie?

I get those all the time too, and I'll let you in on a secret: In my professional experience, at least 75% of those calls are because you have a guest in-house who is either a drug dealer or a hooker. That's why the caller doesn't know their "friend's" room number, last name, or even first name.

Your spell check is broken. It let you get away with "colour."

Canada is one of 52 out of 53 countries where english is an official language that spells colour and humour with the 'u' that Americans drop. (Also Armour.)

[Jester]

Canada is one of 52 out of 53 countries where english is an official language that spells colour and humour with the 'u' that Americans drop. (Also Armour.)

Oh, there are many.

Tumour.
Theatre.
Centre.
Moustache.
Flavour.
Honour.
Labour.
Neighbour.
Rumour.

Of course, I'm American, so I spell all of the above differently.

And yes, there are many more. Don't even get me started on my ongoing battle with a local Brit here about aluminum/aluminium. (Note: the internal spellchecker in CS.com flagged all the British spellings in this post as I was typing it. Just thought I should mention it.)

[HawaiianShirts]

Seriously, what I'm really curious about is what percentage of these COD orders ever get picked up? Though I'll understand if you don't have access to that information and/or aren't allowed to tell us.

I was wondering that myself...

SC: “Someone’s having sex in the pool.”

Ok, its scenarios like this that really beg the question: “And what do you want me to do about it?”. Because seriously….what do you expect me to do? Throw something at them? Turn the hose on them? I certainly can’t page anyone and try to tell them that. I’m quite positive "The Hump Aquatic" is not on the emergency list.

I was also thinking of about a dozen potential replies to this caller, along the lines of suggesting that the caller simply go say hello and see what happens.
Results: Caller breaks up the amorous couple, caller joins the amorous couple, or caller makes some quick cash selling a video of the amorous couple (or blackmailing them with it).

Actually, if I had taken that call in my current mood, I probably would have said, "You're just jealous."

[Jester]

Results: Caller breaks up the amorous couple, caller joins the amorous couple, or caller makes some quick cash selling a video of the amorous couple (or blackmailing them with it).

The way my life has gone, I probably would have been one of the people the caller was calling about.

What? Don't tell me you folks have never had sex in a pool?

Don't even get me started on the creepy hotel security guy. That's a whole different story!

[Treasure]

What? Don't tell me you folks have never had sex in a pool?

I haven't. I actually kinda plan to keep it that way, unless it were my own private pool on my property - read a "Top 10 Worst Places to have Sex" list, and both pools and hot tubs were on it - the amount of chlorine in them is not good for girly bits, it can cause really uncomfortable infections.


but in the shower..... different ending to that story (i hope)

[Magpie]

Yes Proper Canadian English. I've actually gotten bad marks in school for spelling things like an American.

My school board cheaped out and bought spelling text books from the states. You can imagine my dad's reaction when I got marked wrong for "grey". I'm allowed to use either UK or US spellings here (for my thesis), but I have to be consistent. Since I'm not in materials/welding/etc (and therefore unlikely to have to to use "aluminium" more than once) I have officially switched all my spellcheckers over to UK English. Fun fact: the average spell check programme isn't smart enough to let you know that you're switching between two accepted ways to spell a word.

[ExRetailDrone]

Oh, there are many.

Tumour.
Theatre.
Centre.
Moustache.
Flavour.
Honour.
Labour.
Neighbour.
Rumour.

Of course, I'm American, so I spell all of the above differently.

I'm a weird American, where I spell most things the American way (when there are two different spellings of course), but I spell theatre, moustache, and grey the British way. Have for a very long time. I'm still not sure why, but I think they look wrong when spelled the American way

[BaristaTrav]

I'm a huge fan of that show and didn't get it. What episode is it from?

Just re-read the whole drunken lawyer guy dialogue and imagine it's Murderface. From GK's description, the guy talked just like him.

[Mr Hero]

My school board cheaped out and bought spelling text books from the states. You can imagine my dad's reaction when I got marked wrong for "grey". I'm allowed to use either UK or US spellings here (for my thesis), but I have to be consistent. Since I'm not in materials/welding/etc (and therefore unlikely to have to to use "aluminium" more than once) I have officially switched all my spellcheckers over to UK English. Fun fact: the average spell check programme isn't smart enough to let you know that you're switching between two accepted ways to spell a word.

Which region is "grey"? That's the way (wey?) I've been spelling my whole life, and now I'd be a bit of a freak if I'm using one region's "grey" but another region's "color."

[Magpie]

Which region is "grey"? That's the way (wey?) I've been spelling my whole life, and now I'd be a bit of a freak if I'm using one region's "grey" but another region's "color."

The American spelling is "gray".

[Ironclad Alibi]

Don't even get me started on my ongoing battle with a local Brit here about aluminum/aluminium.

[Trivia Alert]

The etymology of aluminum and aluminium is an interesting story.

[/Trivia Alert]

[Tsiyeria]

Oh, there are many.

Tumour.
Theatre.
Centre.
Moustache.
Flavour.
Honour.
Labour.
Neighbour.
Rumour.

Theatre is the art, theater is the location. That's how we use it, anyway. ^_^

[Primer]

There's another way to spell moustache? As for grey vs gray, grey has always "looked" better to me. And I've lived primarily in Texas since I was about 6!

[Gravekeeper]

I appear to now have tea and cookies, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I do believe my favorite part was when he would apologize to you for bother you, yet continue to torture you with his "emergency".

Yes, I was rather fond of that moment myself. I think my facial twitch was almost audible on the call recording.

The Saga (edited for my amusement and, honestly, to boil down this whole thing to its most basic element.)

I'm going to try that if he calls again this weekend. Just say no to absolutely everything he says. Although I somewhat fear getting caught in a "Dish an emergency" vs "No" loop. Causing a protracted battle of wills. I really wish the client would give us full reign over him, however. IE specific instructions to ignore him or deal with him as we see fit. All the client's said so far is that the guy is an annoying asshole. But I guess he's already been paid his court fees and is obligated at this point. -.-

Seriously, what I'm really curious about is what percentage of these COD orders ever get picked up? Though I'll understand if you don't have access to that information and/or aren't allowed to tell us.

I've often wondered this myself. Though obviously enough of them are being paid for to make it profitable. Else we would no longer ship there. Or at least not by COD.

I find the whole thing irksome, as each traffic surge is directly in tune with when x or y government support cheques go out. The stupidity, ignorance and sexism ( Rampant, assholish sexism. Remind me to rant about that at length at some point ) are all just bonuses.

Isn't that the prevalent dialect back east where you grew up?

Back east we refer to it as "As long as I go to church on Sunday".

What? Don't tell me you folks have never had sex in a pool?

Chlorine sucks. -.-