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So today, in an effort to keep from going insane and running up and down the aisles of the call center screaming and curling up in the corner muttering, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." I made a list of all the thing that I have ever heard on the phone that are completely ridiculous and stupid. I have separated them into sections...so it's doesn't look like as much.
1. The Beginning
I start the call by asking, "May I help you?" so I guess you can say that I a literally asking for it, but that aside, I get some great answers.
"Yes" followed by stoic silence. I guess choosing to take me literally and make this into 20 questions might make you feel better, but seriously, knock it off and get on with it.
"I need to talk to someone about my account". Really? Really? You weren't just calling to talk to me about the weather? Well damn.
"What!?" Usually screamed at deafening levels, almost always by an elderly person. I understand that you are old and hard of hearing. I also feel that if this is the case and you cannot afford hearing aids, you should probably get someone else to handle your phone calls because all that happens is that you and I scream at each other for five minutes, my co-workers snicker at me and you hang up disgusted. Also, my next phone call blows me out of my seat because I have turned my volume to the highest setting in an attempt to communicate with you.
"Are you a machine?" Usually same as above, usually a male, and almost always serious. Yes, yes, I am a machine, the same as the machine you were just listening to, only now I am pretending to listen to you and have identified myself using an actual name. I am also a pleasure model!
"Wow! I finally got somebody!"...I am always tempted here to just sit silently and hope that their dissapoinment causes them to disconnect.
2. Accessing their account. I ask for their telephone number first because that is 100% required by my company. Not their account number, which makes more sense, but let's just set aside the sensical ideas because we left those behind years ago. Anyway, I always, ALWAYS say, "May I have the telephone number on your account?" and the responses typically go something like this:
"The account number?" No. As indicated by the fact that I said "telephone" a word that in no way resembles the word "account" .
"It's listed under the account number" Um...yes, there is an account number...for every ACCOUNT. And while I can access them using the account number, I am supposed to use your telephone number...and guess what, we have one. Even if it's your sister Suzy's wife's, dog shampooer's cousin grandma's cell phone and you better be able to verify it if you want me to continue. And stop acting like you know more than I do. I do this job to eat, I actually know what I am talking about.
"I'll give you the account number" Well...okay. And I will take it. I will then say, "And can you verify the telephone number on the account, please?" So you could have saved yourself a step, Ms. Smarty Pants, but I guess you just have oodles of time to talk to me.
I also encounter:
the speed demons-normally irritated people, who either don't want to give me the number or are already angry at the company for an unrelated reason, who spout off their telephone number at breakneck speeds and are extremely angry when you ask them to repeat it. These people also do this with their credit card numbers. They are also the people who give you numbers like this: "Seven-teen; four-teen, twenty.....seven."
And the oldsters strike again...request is followed by-"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!" as they attempt to type their telephone number into their touchtone phones. I have sympathy for them, I do...but Jesus.
A"Yes, I have it. Would you like it?" Um....please. Thank you.
Continuing in this vein-I have to ask who I am speaking with. I have to. I usually take a first name only, unless they offer the last name, unless they are placing orders or making changes. And I always get:
"The name on the account is..." Okay. And...your name is? Sometimes, I will forget what I heard them say, and I will say "I'm sorry, what was your name?" And of course I get some smart aleck that says, "My name IS..." Okay, fine. But seriously, you want to get into a pissing match with the CSR of your water company? And while we're talking about names, I'm sorry but the hyphenation has got to go, at least in situations like this. If your name is Lisa Marie Williamson-Tomlinsanation, please just tell me your name is Lisa.
3. Collections. If your account is in collections, there are certain things I can do for you. That's all. I cannot get you a manager. I cannot get you a supervisor. They will not speak to you...except to tell you that they cannot help you. Those are the breaks. Do not tell me
"Cancel my account!" Um...yeah that was already done...you know, when we sold you to a collection agency.
"I don't deal with collection agencies!" Then...I guess...pay your bill?
"Why did you charge me for equipment?" Because...you didn't pay and you refused to answer your door when we tried to get it back. Thus, it appeared to be stolen, hence the charge. Seems simple, right? Right.
"I will tell everyone I know!" Okay. Make sure to tell your loan officer first...I know we will.
And my personal favorite-"Oh, you guys have to take that off, I filed bankruptcy. When am I getting water?" Okay, if you included us in your bankruptcy, yes we will remove the charges, but what makes you think we are now required to provide you with service, considering that you have basically stolen product from us for the last year and are now expecting us to just eat it and bring you more?
4. Billing. I. HATE. BILLING.
"Why isn't this payment on my June 14 bill? I sent the check in on June 29. And how come my June 17th delivery isn't on my June 14th bill? What are you trying to pull?" What indeed. A calendar, possibly?
"Why did I get a late fee? I never paid late before." Well, you did this time and guess what? It's like magic.
"I can't believe you cut off my service. I called you and told you I would pay you next week." Yes you did, and we made a nice little note on your account. But we still aren't going to keep giving you something for nothing. You may want to start...believing it.
"What is this previous balance? Oh, yeah, I didn't think I should have to pay for that/didn't get that/don't pay late fees/am tax exempt. I subtracted it from my payment, so you should know to issue a credit." Yeah, I think I'll just subtract $50 from my AT&T bill every month and see if they just...credit it.
"We only pay current charges, so we can't pay this past due balance." And yet, if that were true...you wouldn't have a past due balance, as you would have paid these charges when they were current. See how that works? Great. You will need to pay this now.
"This is cheaper at the store!" Yes, oddly enough, when you purchase a product as well as a delivery service on top of it, it becomes more expensive than the same product bought in bulk at retail. If you'd like, I'll let you borrow my high school economics book, it'll tell you all about it.
5. Contracts. Those messy things. Guess what you do with those before you sign them...READ them. Or I will have no sympathy.
"I didn't read it!" K. Still applies
"I signed it, but he didn't tell me that was on there!" K. He doesn't have to. Still applies.
"I didn't sign it." Is that your signature? "Oh...yes." Still applies. "But I didn't read it!" See above.
"Well, I don't think I should have to pay this." Still applies.
"I can't afford it." I'm sorry. You probably should have thought of that before you purchased a luxury water delivery service with a $100 contract termination fee.
Other idiocies:
From a customer who we refused to allow to begin service because she refused to produce ID (she said she had just gotten married so she didn't have any with the right last name...or first name): "Well, this has been such an inconvenience. I'm going to need some compensation."
"I paid you and the check bounced so now I need you to pay this overdraft fee!"
"This bottle was leaking but I put it on my cooler anyway and now my carpet is ruined!"
"Do you guys bring new bottles, or do you just fill up my empty ones with a hose?"
"Thank you for this delivery calendar, but I don't understand something. Underneath each month is a number. Is that the number of bottles you're delivering to me, because I don't want 31 bottles in January."
Okay, heading to the corner now.
1. The Beginning
I start the call by asking, "May I help you?" so I guess you can say that I a literally asking for it, but that aside, I get some great answers.
"Yes" followed by stoic silence. I guess choosing to take me literally and make this into 20 questions might make you feel better, but seriously, knock it off and get on with it.
"I need to talk to someone about my account". Really? Really? You weren't just calling to talk to me about the weather? Well damn.
"What!?" Usually screamed at deafening levels, almost always by an elderly person. I understand that you are old and hard of hearing. I also feel that if this is the case and you cannot afford hearing aids, you should probably get someone else to handle your phone calls because all that happens is that you and I scream at each other for five minutes, my co-workers snicker at me and you hang up disgusted. Also, my next phone call blows me out of my seat because I have turned my volume to the highest setting in an attempt to communicate with you.
"Are you a machine?" Usually same as above, usually a male, and almost always serious. Yes, yes, I am a machine, the same as the machine you were just listening to, only now I am pretending to listen to you and have identified myself using an actual name. I am also a pleasure model!
"Wow! I finally got somebody!"...I am always tempted here to just sit silently and hope that their dissapoinment causes them to disconnect.
2. Accessing their account. I ask for their telephone number first because that is 100% required by my company. Not their account number, which makes more sense, but let's just set aside the sensical ideas because we left those behind years ago. Anyway, I always, ALWAYS say, "May I have the telephone number on your account?" and the responses typically go something like this:
"The account number?" No. As indicated by the fact that I said "telephone" a word that in no way resembles the word "account" .
"It's listed under the account number" Um...yes, there is an account number...for every ACCOUNT. And while I can access them using the account number, I am supposed to use your telephone number...and guess what, we have one. Even if it's your sister Suzy's wife's, dog shampooer's cousin grandma's cell phone and you better be able to verify it if you want me to continue. And stop acting like you know more than I do. I do this job to eat, I actually know what I am talking about.
"I'll give you the account number" Well...okay. And I will take it. I will then say, "And can you verify the telephone number on the account, please?" So you could have saved yourself a step, Ms. Smarty Pants, but I guess you just have oodles of time to talk to me.
I also encounter:
the speed demons-normally irritated people, who either don't want to give me the number or are already angry at the company for an unrelated reason, who spout off their telephone number at breakneck speeds and are extremely angry when you ask them to repeat it. These people also do this with their credit card numbers. They are also the people who give you numbers like this: "Seven-teen; four-teen, twenty.....seven."
And the oldsters strike again...request is followed by-"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!" as they attempt to type their telephone number into their touchtone phones. I have sympathy for them, I do...but Jesus.
A"Yes, I have it. Would you like it?" Um....please. Thank you.
Continuing in this vein-I have to ask who I am speaking with. I have to. I usually take a first name only, unless they offer the last name, unless they are placing orders or making changes. And I always get:
"The name on the account is..." Okay. And...your name is? Sometimes, I will forget what I heard them say, and I will say "I'm sorry, what was your name?" And of course I get some smart aleck that says, "My name IS..." Okay, fine. But seriously, you want to get into a pissing match with the CSR of your water company? And while we're talking about names, I'm sorry but the hyphenation has got to go, at least in situations like this. If your name is Lisa Marie Williamson-Tomlinsanation, please just tell me your name is Lisa.
3. Collections. If your account is in collections, there are certain things I can do for you. That's all. I cannot get you a manager. I cannot get you a supervisor. They will not speak to you...except to tell you that they cannot help you. Those are the breaks. Do not tell me
"Cancel my account!" Um...yeah that was already done...you know, when we sold you to a collection agency.
"I don't deal with collection agencies!" Then...I guess...pay your bill?
"Why did you charge me for equipment?" Because...you didn't pay and you refused to answer your door when we tried to get it back. Thus, it appeared to be stolen, hence the charge. Seems simple, right? Right.
"I will tell everyone I know!" Okay. Make sure to tell your loan officer first...I know we will.
And my personal favorite-"Oh, you guys have to take that off, I filed bankruptcy. When am I getting water?" Okay, if you included us in your bankruptcy, yes we will remove the charges, but what makes you think we are now required to provide you with service, considering that you have basically stolen product from us for the last year and are now expecting us to just eat it and bring you more?
4. Billing. I. HATE. BILLING.
"Why isn't this payment on my June 14 bill? I sent the check in on June 29. And how come my June 17th delivery isn't on my June 14th bill? What are you trying to pull?" What indeed. A calendar, possibly?
"Why did I get a late fee? I never paid late before." Well, you did this time and guess what? It's like magic.
"I can't believe you cut off my service. I called you and told you I would pay you next week." Yes you did, and we made a nice little note on your account. But we still aren't going to keep giving you something for nothing. You may want to start...believing it.
"What is this previous balance? Oh, yeah, I didn't think I should have to pay for that/didn't get that/don't pay late fees/am tax exempt. I subtracted it from my payment, so you should know to issue a credit." Yeah, I think I'll just subtract $50 from my AT&T bill every month and see if they just...credit it.
"We only pay current charges, so we can't pay this past due balance." And yet, if that were true...you wouldn't have a past due balance, as you would have paid these charges when they were current. See how that works? Great. You will need to pay this now.
"This is cheaper at the store!" Yes, oddly enough, when you purchase a product as well as a delivery service on top of it, it becomes more expensive than the same product bought in bulk at retail. If you'd like, I'll let you borrow my high school economics book, it'll tell you all about it.
5. Contracts. Those messy things. Guess what you do with those before you sign them...READ them. Or I will have no sympathy.
"I didn't read it!" K. Still applies
"I signed it, but he didn't tell me that was on there!" K. He doesn't have to. Still applies.
"I didn't sign it." Is that your signature? "Oh...yes." Still applies. "But I didn't read it!" See above.
"Well, I don't think I should have to pay this." Still applies.
"I can't afford it." I'm sorry. You probably should have thought of that before you purchased a luxury water delivery service with a $100 contract termination fee.
Other idiocies:
From a customer who we refused to allow to begin service because she refused to produce ID (she said she had just gotten married so she didn't have any with the right last name...or first name): "Well, this has been such an inconvenience. I'm going to need some compensation."
"I paid you and the check bounced so now I need you to pay this overdraft fee!"
"This bottle was leaking but I put it on my cooler anyway and now my carpet is ruined!"
"Do you guys bring new bottles, or do you just fill up my empty ones with a hose?"
"Thank you for this delivery calendar, but I don't understand something. Underneath each month is a number. Is that the number of bottles you're delivering to me, because I don't want 31 bottles in January."
Okay, heading to the corner now.
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