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Wherein I Seemingly Avoid Death
Amongst other things apparently.
Overreaction
A rather lovely entity that identified itself as <Bitch Queen> called this evening. It seems that she had forgotten her cell phone at our client's office. And <Boss>, the owner of <client company>, had informed her he would leave it for her at the office for her to pick up at her convience. For reasons completely unknown to everyone but her, she decides to go try and pick her cell up at 3am. The office is obviously closed. There is no one there, let alone her cell phone. She is….let’s say rather incised about this. Profanity as punctuation level incised. But I am tolerating it, as the wrath is not directed at me specifically.
But alas, all good things must come to an end though. Once it became apparent <Boss> wasn't around....at 3am, I offered to leave a phone number and message for her. Prompting this rather grievous exchange:
Me: “Alright, is there a phone number I can leave for him?”
SC: “Can you leave a very rude message for him?”
No, but let’s hear it anyway for the sake of prosperity. Also keep in mind you’re being recorded.
SC: “Tell him we will sabotage his WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. Tell him if he doesn’t come in first thing in the morning with my cell phone we will sabotage his entire life and he will have his fucking marriage and company and everything else ruined!”
Me: “…..Ma'am, I can’t threaten him.”
SC: “No seriously, that’s the message I’m leaving. Tell him to phone me in the morning or we will fucking destroy his entire life. We WILL make it happen.”
Now, far be it for me to criticize, but I think your response to the current situation is just a tad disproportionate. Though I do believe my favourite part about this particular mental snap is the use of the term “we”. Which seems to indicate that she has has forces at her command who are ready, willing and able to destroy others at her whim. This suggests she is either mentally unbalanced, or is actually a field commander for Cobra.
Still, it does beg the question: How does this woman even make it through her day? You’d think she’d get to about 8am at a Starbucks before this occurred:
Clerk: "Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to add the vanilla syrup to your la-“
SC: “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”
Then spend the rest of the day in a cell. Probably sitting there all day until her lawyer can get her out an-…..ahhh, wait, I see why you’re calling so late at night now. Suddenly, it all makes sense.
Mhmm
SC: “I’ve been on hold for hours!”
Then I would submit you are sitting within some sort of singularity. As you seem to be under the effect of some sort of time distortion. Only minutes have passed from my perspective. Yet miraculously, communication does not seem to be effected in any way. This is quite extraordinary you know. Please, give me your name and address. I will send you the tickets of course, though it be many years before they arrive. But more importantly, your home must be studied in the name of science. Well, and fenced off so no one else gets sucked over the event horizon….but still, science!
Not A Word
Me: “Alright, and your last name?”
C: “Savard”
Me: “Al-“
C: “That’s Savard, not retard.”
….I didn’t say a word. I wasn’t even thinking it, ironically. You made this connection entirely of your own accord. So, I have no choice but to go along with it seeing as you have so willingly volunteered it.
Sigh
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No, I’d like to place an order”
While I do not actually need any more evidence that absolutely no one listens to the first thing I say on a call, your contribution is none the less appreciated. I shall add it to our already vast library of case studies.
Inquiries
And of course, public transit, which is always an additional delight to my evenings. This time, there were two spindly gentlemen sitting in front of me. When we hit Main St one of them leapt from his seat, ran off the Skytrain to one of the Skytrain cops and made an inquiry. It was too quiet for me to hear the question. But I did hear the cop’s answer. Which was “Red”. The questioneer then scampered back onto the train before the doors closed.
Leaving me to wonder precisely what inquiry he could have made to a police officer that would have the response “Red”. I thought on this for some time, but no logical explanation was forthcoming. Thus I have decided, mostly for my own amusement, that he ran off the train and went: “Quick, officer! What colour is a baboon’s ass?!”.
Nope
Me: “Good evening, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Do you speak English?”
No, I poorly mimic it to try and lure unsuspecting humans near enough to drag into my digestive chamber. Come closer.
Standards
SC: “What’s the grand prize?”
Me: “The grand prize is a condo in-“
SC: “Is there a cash option?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “How much?”
Me: “It is 3 million dollars, tax free.”
SC: “Oh, well. <sigh> I guess I’ll order tickets then.”
I’m glad the prospect of 3 million dollars is enough to just barely meet with your approval. I trust since you are clearly unimpressed with such a paltry sum that you’ll be going for our most expensive ticket pack? It is for a charity fundraiser after all, and since money is obviously no object to y-oh, the absolute dirt cheapest pack we sell? Alright then.
Not Recommended
SC: “Yeah, I just got a letter in the mail saying my credit card has been compromised or tampered with or something. But I’ll try using it anyway.”
You know, if I may interject a moment: There does seem to be just a tiny little flaw in your otherwise damn fine plan. But far be it for me to point it out. You're an intelligent, responsible adult. I'm sure you can figure it out on your own.
Ah, Yes. Vancouver.
There was a girl on the Skytrain this evening wearing a Charlie Chaplin mustache. She was not dressed as Charlie Chaplin. None of her friends were in any sort of costume. She just….had it on. For no apparent reason. I had hoped to perhaps overhear some sort of audio clue that could explain this oddity. However, none of them made any mention of the mustache save for one part where the girl with said mustache insisted her friends call her “Jose”.
This is a weird city.
Hot Tips: A Challenger Has Appeared!
SC: “<whisper> Make sure this gets to the proper authorities.”
Me: “….alright.”
SC: “It’s the Ruskies we really gotta worry about they’re fierce.”
Me: "Got it."
Hello! As this is your first time calling with your paranoid delusions, let me be the first to welcome you to the club! It’s been a long, long time since we had any newcomers you know. I blame this mainly on the widespread availability of anti-psychotic drugs and treatments. Coupled with the inability to properly dial when feverishly abusing controlled or illegal substances. This leaves only a narrow band of “Untreated, yet not technically sober” with which to draw new members from.
Since this is only your first time, I’ll go easy on you. I see you’ve gone with the classic Cold War type paranoia. It’s a serviceable type of paranoia, however I should warn you it really is going out of style. If I might make some recommendations for the future? You either need to shift over to a select terrorist group ( The Taliban or Al-Qaeda will suffice. Especially if you have recently spotted them in Surrey. ) or find something that is timeless and never falls out of fashion ( Anything related to or delusionally inspired by Jesus for example. )
With a bit more practice and research, I’m sure you’ll become a fine member of the Hot Tips 24-Hour Spa & Grill Club.
Things Not To Do While On Hold
Me: “Go-“
SC: “-I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! YOU DEAL WITH IT!”
Me: “-od evening, how may I help you?”
SC: “Oh, hi!”
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your domestic disturbance. If you’d like to call back after one of you gets arrested in the front lawn with no shirt on that’s perfectly fine. I’ll still be here. We are 24/7 after all.
Tech Speak
SC: “It won’t turn on! I pushed the big button and everything!”
Oh, well, I mean if you pushed the big button and nothing happened it’s gotta be bad.
Hail To the King
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Doltar”
( Yes, he pronounced it "Dolt-ar" too )
….Doltar? DOLTar? After all these years of dealing with peasants and miscreants, I am finally graced by the leader of the north lands? Lord Doltar himself? The heir to all that is cold and barren? Descended from a long, proud, questionable lineage which may or may not fork at some points? Truly, this is a….dubious….honour. Tell me, your slathering liege, what words would you impart upon us, on behalf of your people?
Me: “Which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “Uh, ummm.....uh...... fuckin’ uh wha....er.......shiiiit <click>”
Truly, wisdom for the ages.
Hot Tips: The Challenger
SC: “I swear by the army not invading the Queen from behind that you’re doing a great job in Afghanistan.”
Me: ".....Thanks."
Good, good. You've dropped the old fashion Cold War paranoia and gone straight to implying a geriatric gang bang with British royalty. I'll give you a point for creative flare. Although I may have to likewise penalize you for the unsettling mental image. As you seem to be implying that while one army is abstaining from the Queen's auxiliary port of call, every other army was incapable of resisting the vaguely Bengay scented nectar of her honey pot.
Good Deal
In other news, I didn’t take the bus this evening, and this seems to have prevented me from being maimed or killed. So, yay! I missed the whole “Car swerves out of control and plows onto the side walk” problem that seems to have occurred a block up from our office. By about 10 minutes judging by the horde of emergency response vehicles that had not yet cordoned off the area. It’s always nice when not having exact bus change results in not being run over and brutally maimed. So I will accept the suffering I endured at the hands of our caller's this week as the karmic debt required to pay for avoiding having my name appear in the Vancouver Sun alongside the term “Vehicular manslaughter”.
Good deal, really.
annnnnd rest. -.-
Overreaction
A rather lovely entity that identified itself as <Bitch Queen> called this evening. It seems that she had forgotten her cell phone at our client's office. And <Boss>, the owner of <client company>, had informed her he would leave it for her at the office for her to pick up at her convience. For reasons completely unknown to everyone but her, she decides to go try and pick her cell up at 3am. The office is obviously closed. There is no one there, let alone her cell phone. She is….let’s say rather incised about this. Profanity as punctuation level incised. But I am tolerating it, as the wrath is not directed at me specifically.
But alas, all good things must come to an end though. Once it became apparent <Boss> wasn't around....at 3am, I offered to leave a phone number and message for her. Prompting this rather grievous exchange:
Me: “Alright, is there a phone number I can leave for him?”
SC: “Can you leave a very rude message for him?”
No, but let’s hear it anyway for the sake of prosperity. Also keep in mind you’re being recorded.
SC: “Tell him we will sabotage his WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. Tell him if he doesn’t come in first thing in the morning with my cell phone we will sabotage his entire life and he will have his fucking marriage and company and everything else ruined!”
Me: “…..Ma'am, I can’t threaten him.”
SC: “No seriously, that’s the message I’m leaving. Tell him to phone me in the morning or we will fucking destroy his entire life. We WILL make it happen.”
Now, far be it for me to criticize, but I think your response to the current situation is just a tad disproportionate. Though I do believe my favourite part about this particular mental snap is the use of the term “we”. Which seems to indicate that she has has forces at her command who are ready, willing and able to destroy others at her whim. This suggests she is either mentally unbalanced, or is actually a field commander for Cobra.
Still, it does beg the question: How does this woman even make it through her day? You’d think she’d get to about 8am at a Starbucks before this occurred:
Clerk: "Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to add the vanilla syrup to your la-“
SC: “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”
Then spend the rest of the day in a cell. Probably sitting there all day until her lawyer can get her out an-…..ahhh, wait, I see why you’re calling so late at night now. Suddenly, it all makes sense.
Mhmm
SC: “I’ve been on hold for hours!”
Then I would submit you are sitting within some sort of singularity. As you seem to be under the effect of some sort of time distortion. Only minutes have passed from my perspective. Yet miraculously, communication does not seem to be effected in any way. This is quite extraordinary you know. Please, give me your name and address. I will send you the tickets of course, though it be many years before they arrive. But more importantly, your home must be studied in the name of science. Well, and fenced off so no one else gets sucked over the event horizon….but still, science!
Not A Word
Me: “Alright, and your last name?”
C: “Savard”
Me: “Al-“
C: “That’s Savard, not retard.”
….I didn’t say a word. I wasn’t even thinking it, ironically. You made this connection entirely of your own accord. So, I have no choice but to go along with it seeing as you have so willingly volunteered it.
Sigh
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No, I’d like to place an order”
While I do not actually need any more evidence that absolutely no one listens to the first thing I say on a call, your contribution is none the less appreciated. I shall add it to our already vast library of case studies.
Inquiries
And of course, public transit, which is always an additional delight to my evenings. This time, there were two spindly gentlemen sitting in front of me. When we hit Main St one of them leapt from his seat, ran off the Skytrain to one of the Skytrain cops and made an inquiry. It was too quiet for me to hear the question. But I did hear the cop’s answer. Which was “Red”. The questioneer then scampered back onto the train before the doors closed.
Leaving me to wonder precisely what inquiry he could have made to a police officer that would have the response “Red”. I thought on this for some time, but no logical explanation was forthcoming. Thus I have decided, mostly for my own amusement, that he ran off the train and went: “Quick, officer! What colour is a baboon’s ass?!”.
Nope
Me: “Good evening, <company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Do you speak English?”
No, I poorly mimic it to try and lure unsuspecting humans near enough to drag into my digestive chamber. Come closer.
Standards
SC: “What’s the grand prize?”
Me: “The grand prize is a condo in-“
SC: “Is there a cash option?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “How much?”
Me: “It is 3 million dollars, tax free.”
SC: “Oh, well. <sigh> I guess I’ll order tickets then.”
I’m glad the prospect of 3 million dollars is enough to just barely meet with your approval. I trust since you are clearly unimpressed with such a paltry sum that you’ll be going for our most expensive ticket pack? It is for a charity fundraiser after all, and since money is obviously no object to y-oh, the absolute dirt cheapest pack we sell? Alright then.
Not Recommended
SC: “Yeah, I just got a letter in the mail saying my credit card has been compromised or tampered with or something. But I’ll try using it anyway.”
You know, if I may interject a moment: There does seem to be just a tiny little flaw in your otherwise damn fine plan. But far be it for me to point it out. You're an intelligent, responsible adult. I'm sure you can figure it out on your own.
Ah, Yes. Vancouver.
There was a girl on the Skytrain this evening wearing a Charlie Chaplin mustache. She was not dressed as Charlie Chaplin. None of her friends were in any sort of costume. She just….had it on. For no apparent reason. I had hoped to perhaps overhear some sort of audio clue that could explain this oddity. However, none of them made any mention of the mustache save for one part where the girl with said mustache insisted her friends call her “Jose”.
This is a weird city.
Hot Tips: A Challenger Has Appeared!
SC: “<whisper> Make sure this gets to the proper authorities.”
Me: “….alright.”
SC: “It’s the Ruskies we really gotta worry about they’re fierce.”
Me: "Got it."
Hello! As this is your first time calling with your paranoid delusions, let me be the first to welcome you to the club! It’s been a long, long time since we had any newcomers you know. I blame this mainly on the widespread availability of anti-psychotic drugs and treatments. Coupled with the inability to properly dial when feverishly abusing controlled or illegal substances. This leaves only a narrow band of “Untreated, yet not technically sober” with which to draw new members from.
Since this is only your first time, I’ll go easy on you. I see you’ve gone with the classic Cold War type paranoia. It’s a serviceable type of paranoia, however I should warn you it really is going out of style. If I might make some recommendations for the future? You either need to shift over to a select terrorist group ( The Taliban or Al-Qaeda will suffice. Especially if you have recently spotted them in Surrey. ) or find something that is timeless and never falls out of fashion ( Anything related to or delusionally inspired by Jesus for example. )
With a bit more practice and research, I’m sure you’ll become a fine member of the Hot Tips 24-Hour Spa & Grill Club.
Things Not To Do While On Hold
Me: “Go-“
SC: “-I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! YOU DEAL WITH IT!”
Me: “-od evening, how may I help you?”
SC: “Oh, hi!”
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your domestic disturbance. If you’d like to call back after one of you gets arrested in the front lawn with no shirt on that’s perfectly fine. I’ll still be here. We are 24/7 after all.
Tech Speak
SC: “It won’t turn on! I pushed the big button and everything!”
Oh, well, I mean if you pushed the big button and nothing happened it’s gotta be bad.
Hail To the King
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Doltar”
( Yes, he pronounced it "Dolt-ar" too )
….Doltar? DOLTar? After all these years of dealing with peasants and miscreants, I am finally graced by the leader of the north lands? Lord Doltar himself? The heir to all that is cold and barren? Descended from a long, proud, questionable lineage which may or may not fork at some points? Truly, this is a….dubious….honour. Tell me, your slathering liege, what words would you impart upon us, on behalf of your people?
Me: “Which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “Uh, ummm.....uh...... fuckin’ uh wha....er.......shiiiit <click>”
Truly, wisdom for the ages.
Hot Tips: The Challenger
SC: “I swear by the army not invading the Queen from behind that you’re doing a great job in Afghanistan.”
Me: ".....Thanks."
Good, good. You've dropped the old fashion Cold War paranoia and gone straight to implying a geriatric gang bang with British royalty. I'll give you a point for creative flare. Although I may have to likewise penalize you for the unsettling mental image. As you seem to be implying that while one army is abstaining from the Queen's auxiliary port of call, every other army was incapable of resisting the vaguely Bengay scented nectar of her honey pot.
Good Deal
In other news, I didn’t take the bus this evening, and this seems to have prevented me from being maimed or killed. So, yay! I missed the whole “Car swerves out of control and plows onto the side walk” problem that seems to have occurred a block up from our office. By about 10 minutes judging by the horde of emergency response vehicles that had not yet cordoned off the area. It’s always nice when not having exact bus change results in not being run over and brutally maimed. So I will accept the suffering I endured at the hands of our caller's this week as the karmic debt required to pay for avoiding having my name appear in the Vancouver Sun alongside the term “Vehicular manslaughter”.
Good deal, really.
annnnnd rest. -.-
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