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Amusing story before I get on with the horror that was my day...
Caller this morning... is having an issue but can't tell me what the issue is. He finally says that he'll call back when he has time. I feel bad for the phone rep who actually speaks with him...
Caller: "I don’t know why the thing doesn’t stay on the thing."
Same Caller: It’s the screen that I go into when I go into something.
Me:
This went up on our quote board in our department. Both sentences, exactly how I have it up there, minus the... so the CEO comes over a little while later and reads the quote, starts laughing, and then asks "Was this the same caller?" 
She then re-reads the quote board and goes, "Oh, you said it was the same caller. I guess you should put me on the quote board underneath it!" 
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61 word run-on sentence with no punctuation... so glad that I'm not answering support emails at the moment. My brain hurt just skimming it.
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So… once again it is that wonderful time of the year known as “Agent Shut-offs.” This magical day happens every 3 months when our members don’t pay their bills on time… or within the 10 day grace period… and they get turned off for non-payment of dues. Of course, now that they’re inactive, it’s suddenly imperative that they be turned on IMMEDIATELY.
Callers fall in to a few different categories:
Oblivious Caller: “I never received the bill and I never received anything telling me I had a bill!”
I look at the caller’s account and see that they received 1 email & 1 notification saying they had an invoice available, 5 notifications saying the bill was coming due, and 5 notifications saying the bill was past due. The notifications have not been deleted and when I mention them, the callers states he/she doesn’t read them.
Lying Caller: “I never received the bill and I never received anything telling me that I had a bill!”
I look at the caller’s account and see that they received all of the same emails & notifications that the Oblivious Caller did… however, I also see that the caller deleted all of the notifications, which means that they saw them.
Impatient Caller: “I just paid online and I don’t want to wait… is there any way you can reactivate my account faster?”
Sorry, the system is automated… it’ll take anywhere from 15 minutes up to 2 hours depending on how many cards are being processed at the time. I’m sorry, but I would suggest trying to log in every 15-20 minutes to see if you’ve been reactivated.
Entitled Caller Version 1.0: “You NEED to turn me back on now! I can’t wait!”
The system is automated and we do not have the ability to reactivate your account any sooner. The card needs to be approved and processed before the system will reactivate you.
Entitled Caller Version 2.0: “I’ve NEVER had to wait before! You HAVE to turn me back on!!!”
The system has always been automated and we do not have the ability to reactivate your account sooner than that. I could transfer you to billing but they will tell you the exact same thing… but they’re busy and you’ll probably get voicemail, and by the time they get you back you’re service will probably be reactivated anyway.
Entitled Caller Version 3.0: “TURN ME ON NOW!”
I’m sorry, but your failure to plan is not my emergency. But here, let me transfer you to Billing. Oops, did I accidentally transfer you to someone who’s on vacation this week? My bad…
What Day Is It? Caller: “Can you please turn my account on and give me a grace period until Friday/Next Week/End of the Month?”
I’m sorry… but you’ve already had a grace period. The invoice was due at the end of September. Today is October 13th. We normally give a 10 day grace period but we actually gave you 2 extra days… we’re not able to extend it any more.
Time Distortion Caller: "I paid over 2 hours ago and my service is still off!"
You paid at 2:12pm. It is now 2:47pm. Please call back if your service is still off at 4:13pm. Thank you!
Hahahahahaha… NO: “Can’t you just turn my account back on? I promise to pay!”
Not gonna happen, no matter who you talk to or how many times you call in.
Rare & Elusive caller: “Oh, It’ll take up to 2 hours to reactivate? Not a problem… I’ll check back later!”
I’m sorry, but the system is automat…. Wait. What? Did you? o_O Thank you! Have a wonderful day! (I love you!)
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Trick Caller: "Is there any way you can tell me how much I need to pay to be reactivated?"
Me: "Well, normally I would have you log in yourself to check, but since you're driving I'll go ahead and log in as you and pull your account up... Ok, it looks like you owe a fine invoiced out 8/1 and your quarterly dues invoiced out 9/1. You would need to pay those to be reactivated."
TC: Not a problem! I'll come in to pay.
Me: Great... just to warn you, you also have a fine invoiced out on 10/1, but you don't have to pay that yet...
TC: When would that be due?
Me: The end of the month.
TC: *laughs* Ok, not a problem. Thanks!
Me: Have a great day!
<call ends>
Me: *blinking* (Did I just get thanks for telling someone they owe more money?) *looks outside for flying pigs, doesn't see any*
Reason for the lack of flying pics comes clear an hour later, as I'm trying to leave to go to my chiropractor for a much-needed adjustment.
Trick Caller calls back.
TC: OMGWTFBBQ WHY DO I HAVE THESE FINES ON MY ACCOUNT?!?!?! NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THESE FINES!!!!!!
Me: I'm sorry, but when I spoke with you earlier, I did mention the fines. *looks up his account* I can see that you've received three fines for (insert negligence here) and two of them have already been invoiced out. The third will show up on next month's invoice.
TC: I HAVE ANOTHER FINE?!?!?! HOW MANY FINES DO I HAVE???? WHY DO I HAVE THESE?!?!?!?! *starts chewing on the phone*
Me: Sir, please calm down and I'll be happy to explain... *tries explaining procedure but it sounds like caller is deep-throating the phone* Actually, I'm going to transfer you to one of the fine representatives. They're out of the office this evening, but leave a message with your name and number and the representative can contact you back in the morning regarding your options with these fines. They may be able to waive one or more of them, but I can't guarantee it, especially if you've already paid two of them.
TC: *obscene gargling on the other end of the phone... I really don't want to know what he's doing there. Poor phone.*
Me: Have a wonderful evening! *transfers call, logs out and runs away*
---------------------
I was supposed to be working on a project that is very time-intensive. Normally, I can work on it between calls, because it’s been slow enough. Today, we had 2,200 agents turned off for non-payment, so the phones were much busier than normal… this is NOT helping my stress levels right now.
*curls back in a hole and hides*
Caller this morning... is having an issue but can't tell me what the issue is. He finally says that he'll call back when he has time. I feel bad for the phone rep who actually speaks with him...
Caller: "I don’t know why the thing doesn’t stay on the thing."
Same Caller: It’s the screen that I go into when I go into something.
Me:
This went up on our quote board in our department. Both sentences, exactly how I have it up there, minus the
... so the CEO comes over a little while later and reads the quote, starts laughing, and then asks "Was this the same caller?" She then re-reads the quote board and goes, "Oh, you said it was the same caller. I guess you should put me on the quote board underneath it!" --------------------
61 word run-on sentence with no punctuation... so glad that I'm not answering support emails at the moment. My brain hurt just skimming it.
--------------------
So… once again it is that wonderful time of the year known as “Agent Shut-offs.” This magical day happens every 3 months when our members don’t pay their bills on time… or within the 10 day grace period… and they get turned off for non-payment of dues. Of course, now that they’re inactive, it’s suddenly imperative that they be turned on IMMEDIATELY.
Callers fall in to a few different categories:
Oblivious Caller: “I never received the bill and I never received anything telling me I had a bill!”
I look at the caller’s account and see that they received 1 email & 1 notification saying they had an invoice available, 5 notifications saying the bill was coming due, and 5 notifications saying the bill was past due. The notifications have not been deleted and when I mention them, the callers states he/she doesn’t read them.
Lying Caller: “I never received the bill and I never received anything telling me that I had a bill!”
I look at the caller’s account and see that they received all of the same emails & notifications that the Oblivious Caller did… however, I also see that the caller deleted all of the notifications, which means that they saw them.
Impatient Caller: “I just paid online and I don’t want to wait… is there any way you can reactivate my account faster?”
Sorry, the system is automated… it’ll take anywhere from 15 minutes up to 2 hours depending on how many cards are being processed at the time. I’m sorry, but I would suggest trying to log in every 15-20 minutes to see if you’ve been reactivated.
Entitled Caller Version 1.0: “You NEED to turn me back on now! I can’t wait!”
The system is automated and we do not have the ability to reactivate your account any sooner. The card needs to be approved and processed before the system will reactivate you.
Entitled Caller Version 2.0: “I’ve NEVER had to wait before! You HAVE to turn me back on!!!”
The system has always been automated and we do not have the ability to reactivate your account sooner than that. I could transfer you to billing but they will tell you the exact same thing… but they’re busy and you’ll probably get voicemail, and by the time they get you back you’re service will probably be reactivated anyway.
Entitled Caller Version 3.0: “TURN ME ON NOW!”
I’m sorry, but your failure to plan is not my emergency. But here, let me transfer you to Billing. Oops, did I accidentally transfer you to someone who’s on vacation this week? My bad…
What Day Is It? Caller: “Can you please turn my account on and give me a grace period until Friday/Next Week/End of the Month?”
I’m sorry… but you’ve already had a grace period. The invoice was due at the end of September. Today is October 13th. We normally give a 10 day grace period but we actually gave you 2 extra days… we’re not able to extend it any more.
Time Distortion Caller: "I paid over 2 hours ago and my service is still off!"
You paid at 2:12pm. It is now 2:47pm. Please call back if your service is still off at 4:13pm. Thank you!
Hahahahahaha… NO: “Can’t you just turn my account back on? I promise to pay!”
Not gonna happen, no matter who you talk to or how many times you call in.Rare & Elusive caller: “Oh, It’ll take up to 2 hours to reactivate? Not a problem… I’ll check back later!”
I’m sorry, but the system is automat…. Wait. What? Did you? o_O Thank you! Have a wonderful day! (I love you!)
--------------------
Trick Caller: "Is there any way you can tell me how much I need to pay to be reactivated?"
Me: "Well, normally I would have you log in yourself to check, but since you're driving I'll go ahead and log in as you and pull your account up... Ok, it looks like you owe a fine invoiced out 8/1 and your quarterly dues invoiced out 9/1. You would need to pay those to be reactivated."
TC: Not a problem! I'll come in to pay.
Me: Great... just to warn you, you also have a fine invoiced out on 10/1, but you don't have to pay that yet...
TC: When would that be due?
Me: The end of the month.
TC: *laughs* Ok, not a problem. Thanks!
Me: Have a great day!
<call ends>
Me: *blinking* (Did I just get thanks for telling someone they owe more money?) *looks outside for flying pigs, doesn't see any*
Reason for the lack of flying pics comes clear an hour later, as I'm trying to leave to go to my chiropractor for a much-needed adjustment.
Trick Caller calls back.
TC: OMGWTFBBQ WHY DO I HAVE THESE FINES ON MY ACCOUNT?!?!?! NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THESE FINES!!!!!!
Me: I'm sorry, but when I spoke with you earlier, I did mention the fines. *looks up his account* I can see that you've received three fines for (insert negligence here) and two of them have already been invoiced out. The third will show up on next month's invoice.
TC: I HAVE ANOTHER FINE?!?!?! HOW MANY FINES DO I HAVE???? WHY DO I HAVE THESE?!?!?!?! *starts chewing on the phone*
Me: Sir, please calm down and I'll be happy to explain... *tries explaining procedure but it sounds like caller is deep-throating the phone* Actually, I'm going to transfer you to one of the fine representatives. They're out of the office this evening, but leave a message with your name and number and the representative can contact you back in the morning regarding your options with these fines. They may be able to waive one or more of them, but I can't guarantee it, especially if you've already paid two of them.
TC: *obscene gargling on the other end of the phone... I really don't want to know what he's doing there. Poor phone.*
Me: Have a wonderful evening! *transfers call, logs out and runs away*
---------------------
I was supposed to be working on a project that is very time-intensive. Normally, I can work on it between calls, because it’s been slow enough. Today, we had 2,200 agents turned off for non-payment, so the phones were much busier than normal… this is NOT helping my stress levels right now.
*curls back in a hole and hides*
I've had to deal with a bunch of really nice workers the past few days, and I remember the mechanic being so appriciate of me not getting mad that the new battery wasn't working on my car either. 
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