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  • Wherein I Waste Tax Payer Dollars

    I give up. This week sucked.





    Subjective

    Me: “What size?”
    SC: “Large”
    Me: “Alright-“
    SC: “Would that be really big on a girl?”

    Look, I know that in your small, barren, genetically isolated village it’s quite possible for everyone there to know you and everything about you. As well as in all likely hood be related to you. But I am not in your village, am not related to you and am not living out the final generations of an evolutionary dead end. Therefore I have no idea what your mentally acceptable size range is for a girl. And thus can in no way answer that question as I have no context nor default specifications for this “girl” you speak of.

    I do understand that the gene pool there is clearly marked no diving, and thus all females may be of similar shapes and sizes. But out here in the rest of the world, those dimensions can vary wildly. And since the articles of clothing you seek are manufactured out here, they are manufactured to a range of standard sizes. But seeing as everyone else in the village is of similar shape and size, perhaps you could merely consult the village elders so that they may beseech the monkey sphere for any garments marked “Large” amongst the populace. Then you can merely ask them if said garment is too large for your gaunt, simian frame. As you will undoubtedly be of similar shapes.



    Yeah, Sure ( Asshole )

    SC: “Can you do whatever it is you do again?”

    “Whatever it is I do”, eh? I do believe I explained my function quite clearly the first time you called. You should know full well what it is I do especially when it is a task as simple as this. I am merely a messenger who takes your information and delivers it into the outstretched hands of an technician. What I do is little more than record your basic information for his consumption. In fact this is a relatively primitive task and it has only been 15 minutes since you called last. Indicting that the simplistic technical prowess I displayed the last time you called was still far too complicated for your mind to grasp, never mind retain.



    Hot Tips

    What do you get when you combine the Hells Angels, the Bloods, the Crips and the Mafia? Apparently, the answer to the war in Afghanistan. Which is rather odd because my answer was “Buried in a shallow, unmarked grave under an overpass for even asking in the first place”. But hey, what do I know about military strategy?



    Alias

    Me: “And your first name please?”
    SC: “Centura”
    Me: “How do you spell that please?”
    SC: “S……wait, no…..C? ....I think?”

    I don’t know, it’s your name. Supposedly. It doesn’t exactly sound like a common name for your region. Are you hiding behind an alias? Is this a moniker you have assumed to conceal your true identity from me? And why would that be……what is it you’re hiding? Have you had a run in with me before? Did you disappoint me and now you’re too afraid or shameful to show your face before me again?

    If such is the case, then might I make a small recommendation? The next time you feel the need to construct an alternative persona, perhaps you should select something a tad more mundane and easy to spell? Such as “Amy” or “Kate”. Instead of leaping straight to Xena's lesser known cousin.



    IT BURNS

    SC: “GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!”

    JESUSFUCKTIRE?!? Stay back!! I can’t endure this level of deranged cheerfulness this early in the morning! Oh my lord, what are you on? Because it seems like they’ve hooked you up with some pretty good stuff. But you’re radiating a level of cheer I simply cannot endure at such close quarters. It’s like garlic to a vampire. So if you don’t mind I’m just going to stay over here in the corner. Pressed up against the wall. Hissing.


    SC: “What does the ID number do?”
    Me: “It just allows me to pull up your name and address from last y-“
    SC: “OH OH OH!!! CAN YOU PULL IT UP BY NAME?! I KNOW MY NAME!!!”

    BACK, HARPY! Your utterly unrestrained enthusiasm is poison to one such as myself! I know you mean well, but your unrelenting cheer has me teetering on the edge of destruction. You know not what power you wield. Do me a favour and twist off the end of your happy sausage before I drive this pen into my neck and jiggle it around until my voice stops working.

    Which, I should warn you, would result in you not recieving any lottery tickets.



    A Challenger Appears....?

    It appears I was inexplicably challenged to a sumo match this evening on the way here. As I was walking down the street towards the office and just reaching <store>, an intoxicated gentlemen in sweat pants stepped out from around the corner and proceeded to squat in front of me. I misinterpreted this as “This man is a drunken idiot” and ignored him. When in fact it was a sumo challenge. As I completely ignored it and walked around him, he became quite irate with my perceived dishonour and began to shout obscenities and insults at me for not facing him in the ring of battle. Sweaty, naked, man fat battle.

    I must admit I was quite confused at this abuse at first. It wasn’t until I had a moment to think back on the combat stance he had assumed that I realized he had truly intended to sumo wrestle random strangers on the sidewalk. I’m not sure if this persisted after my departure as he was gone by the time I came back out of store. Though it is possible he sumo wrestled with a tazer and is now in the back of a patrol car somewhere. Hence his absence.




    The End Of Days Is Upon Us

    Me: “And can you tell me the security code on the back of the card, please?”
    SC: “Oh, I don’t know what that is….”
    Me: “It’s a 3 digit number on the back of the card to the right of your signature.”
    SC: “Oh, umm……666? I think it says 666.”

    Oh great. The Mastercard Of The Beast. Thanks a lot, lady. Now you’ve gone and unleashed the Credit of the Damned upon us. Ushering in a 1000 years of darkness and defaulted mortgages.



    If Only They Could Read The Sign

    SC: “I’ve been ordering tickets every year for 5 years and I haven’t won yet. Why is that?”
    Me: “…….”
    SC: “Could it be because my name hasn’t been drawn yet?”

    An astute observation. Sadly you did not come to this conclusion before uttering that question. Which would have let you retain some measure of dignity over the course of the call. But alas, you must join the rest of my callers in the shame pit. Which, to be honest, may not actually bother you. Technically its full of balls and thus lots of people seem to be having a blast in there. It really only bothers people aware enough to realize what the sign says outside. Which, sadly, on this shift is not very many.



    Touchy

    Me: “And your name please?”
    SC: “Nicole”
    Me: “Alright, can you spell it for me please?”
    SC: “HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD THE NAME NICOLE BEFORE?!?!?”

    …..Yes, yes I have. However, it has several different spellings and I am simply confirming the information as is my want as a CSR to ensure accuracy. Thus I do not entirely comprehend your sudden vehement reaction. Most people do not have such….intense reactions to mundane scenarios in everyday life. I suspect you have some anger management issues at a level clinical professions normally refer to as a “Stabbed a Roommate In The Groin Over a Hotpocket” risk. Yes, that is the technical term for it. Look it up.




    Think. Speak.

    SC: “If you buy 5 tickets, do they go into the box individually? Or is it just one ticket with 5 numbers that goes in?”

    …….this is another one that falls under the category of “Questions You’d Never Ask If You Stopped To Think”. Yes, it is 5 individual tickets. If it was one ticket with 5 numbers, it would still be technically be one physical ticket in the box. Thus negating the entire point of purchasing multiple tickets. What puzzles me is that this sounds like a question that has been bothering you for some time. Yet in all your brain wracking you never spotted that little flaw in your inquiry?



    Hot Tips

    SC: “You know Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ so what you need to do is make Sarah Palin the head of the CIA and the FBI. America needs more people like her.”

    .....Okay. Um. Are you sure you're not the Anti-Christ? Because I can easily see your suggestion leading to the world teetering on the brink of Armageddon should that particular job appointment ever come to pass.



    Even I Can't Let That Slide
    ( This is a 100% commercial real estate corporation. -.- )

    SC: “Why is there an emergency number if you don’t have a locksmith?”
    Me: “It’s an emergency line for fire alarms, floods, property damage and other problems-“
    SC: “If I have a fire I’ll call 911! Not you!!! So why are you answering this number? I'm locked out!!! That’s an emergency!”
    Me: “They do not consider lock outs an emergency, unfortunately.”
    SC: “So what are you doing there then!?! You’re just sitting there wasting tax dollars!?”

    …what? What? Wow. Congratulations my feeble minded friend, you have just uttered the stupidest thing I have heard all week. That is so fantastically stupid I can’t even let it go. Normally I build a sort of duck feather like psyche shield around myself that allows such spittle to just flow off my back as it were. But not that. That’s soaking through and leaving a stain. Even I don’t have enough willpower to let that sort of stupid slide.


    Me: "I’m sorry, what? We’re not government funded, and thus I am in no way wasting tax dollars.”
    SC: “Wh…..wu-wha-what should I do?”

    I trust that embarrassed stutter was the backlash of realizing just how stupid your previous statement was. Do you see now? Do you understand that which you have unleashed? It was so stupid that even the rebounding shockwave was powerful enough to penetrate the density of your own skull and allow you to grasp how stupid it was. And you’re the one who said it to begin with. Do you understand the magnitude of what you have wrought now? Do you understand just how terrible your power is?

    It must never be used again. The world is not yet ready.




    Now I've Been In The Office Too Long

    ( Fuck you, Daylight Savings >.> )

    Me: “And the card number please?”
    SC: “xxxx……do you need all the numbers?”

    Nope! Sure, any normal operator would. But luckily you’ve reached the Card Whisperer. So the first 4 numbers of your credit card are plenty! But I will still need to meet directly with your credit card in order to finish processing your payment. Once your credit card has gotten use to my scent I will flip your credit card on its back and hold it there. This asserts dominance over your card and lets your card know that I am stronger than it is. This will cause your card to accept me as the pack leader. Once I have established the role of pack leader, your card will naturally reveal the rest of its numbers to me as a show of submission. Then I can complete your order.



    Alas, Your Problem Went Tragically Unsolved

    Lets see, you’re calling from an area we don't normally service. You have no idea what kind of computer or software you're using. You think you know the name of the tech that helped you last time. He’s name is Steve. I have 9 Steves on the roster. But of course you don't know his last name, ID number or even a reference number or service request number from the last time he helped you. So in short, you have nothing which can help me summon assistance for you and your technical problems. Nothing at all. Thus I am sitting here, wracking my brain for some way I can assist you, when-


    SC: “You’re about as much help as a headache.”

    -yes because the best way to get help for a difficult problem is to insult the only person who can help you. Thank you. I find myself incredibly motivated to do everything in my power to assist you now. Truly, I will not rest until I have resolved every single problem you have with your system and in your life in general. I will book a flight online right this moment so that I may fly down there to be at your side and shadow you as your guardian angel till the day you pass from this mortal coil.

    ( And yes, someone's computer problems went tragically unfixed that day. )





    Well, You Have To Admit It's Working

    SC: “I’m complaining about apartment xxx. Their alarm clock keeps going off at 5am!”

    …..ooookay. Sooo…they have to get up early? ….and?



    SC: “I just went upstairs to their front door, and I can hear it in the hallway.”

    ….wait, you went upstairs to their floor and stuck your head against their door to see if you could hear the alarm clock?



    SC: “It’s disturbing me greatly.”

    You are indeed greatly disturbed. This we can agree on.



    SC: “I just can’t get to sleep with these people. This is disturbing the peace. This is ridiculous. I can’t get to sleep!”

    Their alarm clock is disturbing the peace? Damn. This must be one hell of an alarm clock. Is it wired up to a fog horn? Or is more like a small explosive charge?



    SC: “It just keeps beeping!”

    Oh, well. Yes, they are want to do that. It’s kind of their entire function. And that’s keeping you awake? You said you went upstairs to their suite, so this is the suite above you? So you can hear it through the floor loud enough to keep you awake? I think I have some bad news for you, Bat Girl. I don’t think it’s the alarm clock so much as your borderline dog like sense of hearing that’s the issue here.


    SC: “Can somebody go up and knock on their door?”
    Me: “I’m afraid not, I only have emergency maintenance on right now-“
    SC: “WELL THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!”

    I beg to differ. Plead to, really.



    Me: “I only have emergency maintenance on.”
    SC: “Oh. Well then I’m going to call the police!”

    Go for it. It’s been a long night, I’m sure they could use a good laugh at this point. Let me know how it turns out.



    Timetable


    4:32am:
    Tenant calls to advise he can hear snoring outside his door. This leads him to discover a drunken beast sleeping in the hallway. Clutching a 6 pack lovingly to it's chest.


    4:37am:
    I advise security. Security advises me they do not take security calls.


    4:38-4:40am:
    Several minutes are required to process and recover from a fit of "What the fuck?".


    4:41am:
    Advised police non-emergency to come remove the beast. Police dispatcher is amused at my description of the situation.


    4:43am:
    Advised tenant to let police into building when they arrive.


    4:45am:
    The beast has awoken and is now trying to break into tenant's apartment. Updated officers en route that the beast is roused and flailing.


    4:47am:
    The beast is now pummelling another tenant in the hallway. Updated officers en route. Police dispatcher is no longer amused.


    5:10am:
    The beast is quelled and placed in the appropriate disposal vehicle. Tragically, he had to be seperated from his 6-pack.









    annnnd rest.

  • #2
    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
    5:10am:
    The beast is quelled and placed in the appropriate disposal vehicle. Tragically, he had to be seperated from his 6-pack.
    Was the 6-pack at least sent to a good, loving home?

    Enquiring minds and all that.

    Rapscallion

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
      Timetable
      This part entertained me greatly. Do you know why the beast was in the hall, by any chance?
      What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Rapscallion View Post
        Was the 6-pack at least sent to a good, loving home?

        Enquiring minds and all that.

        Rapscallion
        Damn, Raps you beat me to it! :P

        Oh and Grave, hon, want some salt water taffy? I worked the time change too. You just had WAYY more idiots than I did.

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
          A Challenger Appears....?

          It appears I was inexplicably challenged to a sumo match this evening on the way here. As I was walking down the street towards the office and just reaching <store>, an intoxicated gentlemen in sweat pants stepped out from around the corner and proceeded to squat in front of me. I misinterpreted this as “This man is a drunken idiot” and ignored him. When in fact it was a sumo challenge. As I completely ignored it and walked around him, he became quite irate with my perceived dishonour and began to shout obscenities and insults at me for not facing him in the ring of battle. Sweaty, naked, man fat battle.
          This is why I'd suggest having a pair of Iron Boots handy. They somehow help you win sumo matches against opponants much heavier than you.
          To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

          Comment


          • #6
            Aww, sounds like you had FUN this weekend!
            If I ever have to talk to you on the phone or meet with you, I will gift you a present of your choosing, but if you choose alcohol, that will have to wait until at least next year November. Other than that, I make cookies!
            Oh wook at teh widdle babeh dwaggin! How cyuuute babeh dwag-AAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH! *nom*
            http://jennovazombie.deviantart.com

            Comment


            • #7
              damn, I thought i'd had some idiots calling me, the last one of "Yeah, you know that contract I just agreed to, well they said there was no cooling off period but well, i'd like to cancel as I must get some sort of cooling off period yeah?"

              actually, no, I probably get idiots who are just as bad as GK's, but who are idiots in different ways, I'm sure if we switched jobs for a week we'd end up with just as amusing a post next monday.
              "You can only try so hard to look like you are working before actually doing your work seems easy in comparison" -My Boss

              CW: So what exactly do you do in retentions?
              Me: ummm, I ....retent stuff?

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth patiokitty View Post
                Um...then what DOES security do other than sit on their asses, eat donuts, and drink coffee all night? Just...wow.
                Better question is are they hiring? What....don't look at me like that I need a job...
                I'm the 5th horsemen of the apocalypse. Bringer of giggly bouncy doom, they don't talk about me much.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Security needs to be fired and tasered. Then tasered again.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wow, there was some industrial-strength stupid in the water last week.

                    SC: “I’ve been ordering tickets every year for 5 years and I haven’t won yet. Why is that?”
                    This one made me sigh. Loudly. Really, what can you say to that?

                    The alarm clock one made me laugh. I would trade that tenant's 5 AM alarm clock for my 7 AM idiot door-slamming, horn-honking, hellspawn-screaming neighbors. I'll even package them up and mail them out.
                    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Lots42 View Post
                      Security needs to be fired and tasered. Then tasered again.
                      Then re-hired, tasered, fired again. Then pepper sprayed. RIGHT IN THE EYES.

                      Seriously. What the fuck?
                      PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

                      There are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Jay 2K Winger View Post
                        Then re-hired, tasered, fired again. Then pepper sprayed. RIGHT IN THE EYES.

                        Seriously. What the fuck?
                        Poor Security. Face the wrath of CS! LOL
                        Grave, the sumo challenge (Which I apparently missed). My thoughts, "Sir, you're in fuckin Canada. No sumo for you." :P

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth patiokitty View Post
                          Um...then what DOES security do other than sit on their asses, eat donuts, and drink coffee all night? Just...wow.
                          There are quite a lot of "security" services down here in Florida that provide unarmed, mostly untrained workers to sit at a post like a front desk or vehicle gate. They really aren't allowed to leave their post for anything. The thought is that they will deter crime, but all they can do is call 911 if anything happens.

                          Think of it this way, 100% of the people checking into that timeshare get greeted by "Bob in security" and feel better knowing that someone is watching over them. Maybe a few people think twice about having guests over to party and trash the place because Bob is there. Little do they know that Bob sits there all night long, doesn't patrol the hallways, and can't even answer a random Sumo challenge.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                            SC: “GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!”

                            JESUSFUCKTIRE?!? Stay back!! I can’t endure this level of deranged cheerfulness this early in the morning!
                            Urrrggh. That's just sickening. And the "JESUSFUCKTIRE" made me snicker.

                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                            SC: “HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD THE NAME NICOLE BEFORE?!?!?”
                            ...
                            I suspect you have some anger management issues at a level clinical professions normally refer to as a “Stabbed a Roommate In The Groin Over a Hotpocket” risk. Yes, that is the technical term for it. Look it up.
                            Heh, reminds me of Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird.


                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                            SC: “You know Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ so what you need to do is make Sarah Palin the head of the CIA and the FBI. America needs more people like her.”
                            In case anyone was wondering if he was insane...

                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                            SC: “I’m complaining about apartment xxx. Their alarm clock keeps going off at 5am!”
                            ...
                            SC: “It just keeps beeping!”
                            Oh. My. God. Truly you are beset with inhuman horrors. I have upstairs neighbors who used a skill saw to cut things every day from 8 AM to 3 PM, yet I was able to put in this handy invention called earplugs, crank up the static on my radio, and not hear it anymore.
                            "Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages." - Terry Pratchett
                            Emissary of Minong - my blog and its Facebook page

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Looking back, I notice the complainer said he couldn't "get to sleep." Not that he couldn't stay asleep. So maybe he needs to get to bed before 5 AM. And if that's not possible, well...sucks to be him, I guess.
                              When you start at zero, everything's progress.

                              Comment

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