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This week has been spectacular for SCs. This is literally like a bitter, telecom Reader's Digest of consumer foolishness. ><
If I knew it was going to be this bad I'd have posted once a day. Oh man....
Brace yourself! Here we go:
Viola!
"Sorry about all these questions, I don't have a computer so I can't look at your website."
30 seconds later
"Wow, that’s a lot of information. I'll just look at the website instead. Thanks."
Wow, I wish I could just pull a computer out of my arse like that. I'd be rich. Well, actually I'd probably be in a lot of pain and in the waiting room at the proctologist's office. But still, it'd be an impressive talent.
Probably not, No
SC: "I can put you at the Orleans for $59"
Me: "Is that safe?"
SC: "Pardon?"
Me: "Is that safe, the Orleans."
I'm not sure, no one I've ever booked there has managed to make it back to the airport alive in the morning to tell us. But please, enjoy your stay. P.S. We offer a 20 dollar rebate to your family if the police can identify your body at check out time.
Street Cred
I guess my "street cred" has gone up as people asking me for change and then offering me something in return is becoming a nightly occurrence. Tonight I was offered a lottery ticket. No offense, but if you've been reduced to asking people for change I don't think I want to bet any money on your luck. Still, I appreciate the effort. Perhaps at this rate same night I'll be offered something I actually want. So if there's a crazed hobo out there somewhere clutching a Nintendo Wii, I've got a loonie with your name on it. ( Ye Gods, I'm such a bastard. )
Orderlines
( This company only sells cloths.... )
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC: "A boat."
……what? Just…….what? Did I mishear you? You're attempting to procure aquatic transport from me? That, my good lady, takes the cake and luckily for you we still have a ton of it in the fridge. Hope you like peaches.
She did have an item number for it…..maybe I better take a look at the new catalogue. See if they've expanded into naval supply while I wasn't paying attention....
Stupid + Stupid != Victory
Caller accidentally inserted $20 into the machine before selecting the bill she wished to pay. So of course this $ was lost. She also managed to break the machine. I offered to have a technician check it in the morning and if we found the $20 we could see about crediting it to her account. Her response?
"Oh well can I just jam the rest of my payment into the machine too and you can credit all of it to my account? I don't want to have to pay the rest somewhere else."
…..<twitch>. Yes, you heard that right. Her solution to her own stupidity was to add additional stupidity because it would be more convenient for her. I advised her I could in no way recommend jamming additional funds into a broken machine as we could not gurantee they would be recovered.
It seemed more polite then advising her she's a raging half-wit and should be dragged through town, uphill, in a clown suit, by wild dogs wearing sleigh bells.
Unsupported
SC: "I can't access my email."
Me: "Alright? Is it a problem with the machine or with your actual email account."
SC: "Well I'm on MyIsp.com and-"
SC "Wait, you can't get into your HisIsp email account?"
Me: "Yeah."
SC: "This is <company name>, not YourIsp, We do support for internet kiosks."
Me: "Oh…"
You have already failed on so many levels I really have nothing else to add. Well, perhaps one thing: <Points at you> Ha ha!
Pain....
"I PAY MY BILL AT Y'ALL E-WHIZ MACHINE~@"
Ow! Dammit! That physically hurt my brain. Please, stop. You'll killing my ability to think. I need that ability, so I don't become one of you.
Yes, yes I am
SC: "You're going to ask me something I don't know next, aren't you?"
Me: "Your postal code?"
SC: "Yeah, that."
If you knew I'd ask and you knew you wouldn't know the answer….why didn't you find the answer before calling instead of making me wait on the line while you went to discover the answer? I know its likely futile asking you to apply "common sense" to your daily life….but please, please give it a try. You never know you just might like it. It tingles.
I Think I Know Why You Missed your Flight
( Keep in mind this guy is in the middle of an airport. )
A few highlights of this wonderful call:
Me: "Ok I can put you at the Orleans for $59, is that alright?"
SC: "They won't let me talk!"
Me: "…?"
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen there?"
SC: "I can't hold my pen!"
Me: "…..ok…..your confirmation code is M as I Mary-"
SC: "N?...or T?"
Me: "….M. As in Mary."
SC: "They turned the lights out on me!"
Me: "……"
SC: "What was the name of it again?"
Me: "The Orleans."
SC: "New Orleans?"
Me: "No, The Orleans."
SC: "E-Orleans?"
Me: "The Orleans."
SC: "The Orleans?"
Me: "Yes."
Aren't the flight attendants suppose to limit your alcohol intake on a flight? Or does America West work off of some sort of "However many shots it takes to shut you the hell up" policy?
Go Long
SC: "What's the turn around time?"
Me: "About 15 minutes."
SC: "50?"
Me: "15"
SC: "15?"
Me: "15"
SC: "1-5?"
Me: "1-5"
SC: "Alright, man."
Actually I think this is the part where you're suppose to hike me the football.
Mystic Gypsy Powers: The Return
Caller ranted at length about losing money in the washing machine. Caller then ranted about the guy living above her who owns a washing machine. ( Why? I have no flippin idea. I gave up years ago. ). Then she ranted about the manager ( I guess it’s a conspiracy. ). Then she once again ranted about the money she lost and demanded a refund. Then….she just hung up.
So…...I don't know who she, where she is or even how much money she lost in the machine. Yet, according to her it is imperative that I return these funds to her. You know, if I had the kind of psychic abilities you're expecting me to use the first thing I'd do with them is figure out some way to inflict harm on you over a distance. Not scrye up how much change you lost.
You Think?
Me: "Good evening <lawyer's office>"
SC: "..I think I made a huge mistake."
Seeing as you're calling a lawyer's office at 3 in the morning I would submit that that's a given. But please, go on. Your misery both tickles and amuses me.
A Little Tale of Granville Street
As I was walking up Granville I came upon two guys arguing with a panhandler. I have no idea what about, but they told him off and started walking away. The panhandler then stood up and chased after them pointing in a menacing fashion. He then yelled, at the top of his lungs, this: "Yeah well it's easier to get fat chicks, AND I PREFER THEM TOO!".
If ever there was a way to make everyone inside of half a block stop dead in their tracks and stare at you, that’s the way. I can't even begin to fathom what they were arguing about that led to that. I'm not sure I even want to know.
P.S. To everyone on my end of the Skytrain car from Broadway to Granville this evening: Please find a way to be mauled by wild animals on your way home tonight. Thank you.
Draw a Diagram
Me: "I only have that item in Small and Medium"
SC: "Do you have it in 2XL?"
Ok, look at me. Stay with me here. I'm going to impart to you a valuable lesson that will serve you well for the rest of your natural life. Now, look around you. Do you see a pen, pencil, lipstick or piece of charcoal you can use to write with? Got one? Good. Ok, now, when I spoke to you, I gave you two dots. Picture them in your head. Two dots. Do you see them? Now, I want you to get a piece of paper ( Or cardboard or the back of your hand, whatever ), visualize the dots and draw them both on the paper/cardboard/hand/the cat.
Now, take your writing utensil…..and connect the friggan dots.
See? You have gained a new talent. The world is a scary place I know, but this will help you succeed at….whatever the hell it is you do during the day. Drink heavily I assume.
Please Be Less Specific
Me: "What software do you use?"
SC: "The old one."
Well, that narrowed it down. Thank you. Once I finish carbon dating every software release the company has ever made I'll page a technician for you.
Stop Right There
SC: "I was on the Internet-"
No good EVER comes from that line at the first of a call. EVER. You may as well just pick up the phone line and say "Yeah hi, I'm a half-wit and I'm about to ask you a question that either has a very obvious answer I could have found myself or will make your brain come to a stretching halt. Please brace yourself."
Wait, What?
The security guard on site informed me that the sprinkler pipe in the parkade was leaking air. Leaking air onto the ground. No water, I double checked. Just air. Now, I'm no chemist, but if "air" is heavy enough to fall to the ground and is visible to the naked eye I would submit that something is tragically wrong at your location. You may wish to vacate the premises otherwise its possible the Terrorists™ will win.
Wait, What: Part 2
( Same account when I tried to pass the guard's call to the property manager )
The On Call answered and took all of the call information from me….then suddenly said "Oh, I thought you were someone else. Let me get a pen." and asked me for all the information over again. Who precisely did you think I was? Do you get prank calls at night from people telling you about burst pipes and fire alarms? Does your nocturnal Romeo call you and serenade you with fictional property management emergencies?
I know hearing about plumbing emergencies and noise complaints at 4:35am lights the fires of my loins.
Hobo Bazaar
Keeping with the new hobo tradition of trying to sell me random objects and foodstuffs, tonight a guy tried to sell me a karaoke machine. That’s right, a karaoke machine. For $4. I don't think *anything* can top that short of someone trying to sell me their underwear next week. I still baffled hours later. A karaoke machine? Where the hell did he even get it? Big thing too, he had to carry it under one arm.
Shame
Me: "and whats your postal code?"
SC: "Oh you just had to go and ask an embarrassing question like that."
…….what? No, really, what? I seriously want to know where the heck that came from. Unless your postal code is L1X 4U2 or something. Which, by the way, is apparently Pickering, Ontario. Sadly, I was disappointed to find Canada doesn't use a postal code that starts with C0X.
Bite Me ><
SC: "Is this a cab?"
Me: "Nope, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, well, sucks to be you."
I would submit that it in fact sucks to be you. Since you're the one that won't be getting a cab this evening and if there's any justice in this world you're the one that will set upon by coyotes this evening.
Yes, I can figure that part out myself.
"This is Newfoundland Power…….er…in Newfoundland."
Thank you for clearing that up. I honestly thought you were Botswana.
I already know....
On my way home from work the same "Fat Chick" hobo told me he would tell me why "the whole universe is dumb" for a quarter.
I've worked in a call center for 6 years.....I already know, my friend. Sweet Mother of God do I know and I try desperately to forget every day.
I'm still reeling. By God. Was there a prison break at Tardcatraz over the weekend? ><
If I knew it was going to be this bad I'd have posted once a day. Oh man....
Brace yourself! Here we go:
Viola!
"Sorry about all these questions, I don't have a computer so I can't look at your website."
30 seconds later
"Wow, that’s a lot of information. I'll just look at the website instead. Thanks."
Wow, I wish I could just pull a computer out of my arse like that. I'd be rich. Well, actually I'd probably be in a lot of pain and in the waiting room at the proctologist's office. But still, it'd be an impressive talent.
Probably not, No
SC: "I can put you at the Orleans for $59"
Me: "Is that safe?"
SC: "Pardon?"
Me: "Is that safe, the Orleans."
I'm not sure, no one I've ever booked there has managed to make it back to the airport alive in the morning to tell us. But please, enjoy your stay. P.S. We offer a 20 dollar rebate to your family if the police can identify your body at check out time.
Street Cred
I guess my "street cred" has gone up as people asking me for change and then offering me something in return is becoming a nightly occurrence. Tonight I was offered a lottery ticket. No offense, but if you've been reduced to asking people for change I don't think I want to bet any money on your luck. Still, I appreciate the effort. Perhaps at this rate same night I'll be offered something I actually want. So if there's a crazed hobo out there somewhere clutching a Nintendo Wii, I've got a loonie with your name on it. ( Ye Gods, I'm such a bastard. )
Orderlines
( This company only sells cloths.... )
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC: "A boat."
……what? Just…….what? Did I mishear you? You're attempting to procure aquatic transport from me? That, my good lady, takes the cake and luckily for you we still have a ton of it in the fridge. Hope you like peaches.
She did have an item number for it…..maybe I better take a look at the new catalogue. See if they've expanded into naval supply while I wasn't paying attention....
Stupid + Stupid != Victory
Caller accidentally inserted $20 into the machine before selecting the bill she wished to pay. So of course this $ was lost. She also managed to break the machine. I offered to have a technician check it in the morning and if we found the $20 we could see about crediting it to her account. Her response?
"Oh well can I just jam the rest of my payment into the machine too and you can credit all of it to my account? I don't want to have to pay the rest somewhere else."
…..<twitch>. Yes, you heard that right. Her solution to her own stupidity was to add additional stupidity because it would be more convenient for her. I advised her I could in no way recommend jamming additional funds into a broken machine as we could not gurantee they would be recovered.
It seemed more polite then advising her she's a raging half-wit and should be dragged through town, uphill, in a clown suit, by wild dogs wearing sleigh bells.
Unsupported
SC: "I can't access my email."
Me: "Alright? Is it a problem with the machine or with your actual email account."
SC: "Well I'm on MyIsp.com and-"
SC "Wait, you can't get into your HisIsp email account?"
Me: "Yeah."
SC: "This is <company name>, not YourIsp, We do support for internet kiosks."
Me: "Oh…"
You have already failed on so many levels I really have nothing else to add. Well, perhaps one thing: <Points at you> Ha ha!
Pain....
"I PAY MY BILL AT Y'ALL E-WHIZ MACHINE~@"
Ow! Dammit! That physically hurt my brain. Please, stop. You'll killing my ability to think. I need that ability, so I don't become one of you.
Yes, yes I am
SC: "You're going to ask me something I don't know next, aren't you?"
Me: "Your postal code?"
SC: "Yeah, that."
If you knew I'd ask and you knew you wouldn't know the answer….why didn't you find the answer before calling instead of making me wait on the line while you went to discover the answer? I know its likely futile asking you to apply "common sense" to your daily life….but please, please give it a try. You never know you just might like it. It tingles.
I Think I Know Why You Missed your Flight
( Keep in mind this guy is in the middle of an airport. )
A few highlights of this wonderful call:
Me: "Ok I can put you at the Orleans for $59, is that alright?"
SC: "They won't let me talk!"
Me: "…?"
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen there?"
SC: "I can't hold my pen!"
Me: "…..ok…..your confirmation code is M as I Mary-"
SC: "N?...or T?"
Me: "….M. As in Mary."
SC: "They turned the lights out on me!"
Me: "……"
SC: "What was the name of it again?"
Me: "The Orleans."
SC: "New Orleans?"
Me: "No, The Orleans."
SC: "E-Orleans?"
Me: "The Orleans."
SC: "The Orleans?"
Me: "Yes."
Aren't the flight attendants suppose to limit your alcohol intake on a flight? Or does America West work off of some sort of "However many shots it takes to shut you the hell up" policy?
Go Long
SC: "What's the turn around time?"
Me: "About 15 minutes."
SC: "50?"
Me: "15"
SC: "15?"
Me: "15"
SC: "1-5?"
Me: "1-5"
SC: "Alright, man."
Actually I think this is the part where you're suppose to hike me the football.
Mystic Gypsy Powers: The Return
Caller ranted at length about losing money in the washing machine. Caller then ranted about the guy living above her who owns a washing machine. ( Why? I have no flippin idea. I gave up years ago. ). Then she ranted about the manager ( I guess it’s a conspiracy. ). Then she once again ranted about the money she lost and demanded a refund. Then….she just hung up.
So…...I don't know who she, where she is or even how much money she lost in the machine. Yet, according to her it is imperative that I return these funds to her. You know, if I had the kind of psychic abilities you're expecting me to use the first thing I'd do with them is figure out some way to inflict harm on you over a distance. Not scrye up how much change you lost.
You Think?
Me: "Good evening <lawyer's office>"
SC: "..I think I made a huge mistake."
Seeing as you're calling a lawyer's office at 3 in the morning I would submit that that's a given. But please, go on. Your misery both tickles and amuses me.
A Little Tale of Granville Street
As I was walking up Granville I came upon two guys arguing with a panhandler. I have no idea what about, but they told him off and started walking away. The panhandler then stood up and chased after them pointing in a menacing fashion. He then yelled, at the top of his lungs, this: "Yeah well it's easier to get fat chicks, AND I PREFER THEM TOO!".
If ever there was a way to make everyone inside of half a block stop dead in their tracks and stare at you, that’s the way. I can't even begin to fathom what they were arguing about that led to that. I'm not sure I even want to know.
P.S. To everyone on my end of the Skytrain car from Broadway to Granville this evening: Please find a way to be mauled by wild animals on your way home tonight. Thank you.
Draw a Diagram
Me: "I only have that item in Small and Medium"
SC: "Do you have it in 2XL?"
Ok, look at me. Stay with me here. I'm going to impart to you a valuable lesson that will serve you well for the rest of your natural life. Now, look around you. Do you see a pen, pencil, lipstick or piece of charcoal you can use to write with? Got one? Good. Ok, now, when I spoke to you, I gave you two dots. Picture them in your head. Two dots. Do you see them? Now, I want you to get a piece of paper ( Or cardboard or the back of your hand, whatever ), visualize the dots and draw them both on the paper/cardboard/hand/the cat.
Now, take your writing utensil…..and connect the friggan dots.
See? You have gained a new talent. The world is a scary place I know, but this will help you succeed at….whatever the hell it is you do during the day. Drink heavily I assume.
Please Be Less Specific
Me: "What software do you use?"
SC: "The old one."
Well, that narrowed it down. Thank you. Once I finish carbon dating every software release the company has ever made I'll page a technician for you.
Stop Right There
SC: "I was on the Internet-"
No good EVER comes from that line at the first of a call. EVER. You may as well just pick up the phone line and say "Yeah hi, I'm a half-wit and I'm about to ask you a question that either has a very obvious answer I could have found myself or will make your brain come to a stretching halt. Please brace yourself."
Wait, What?
The security guard on site informed me that the sprinkler pipe in the parkade was leaking air. Leaking air onto the ground. No water, I double checked. Just air. Now, I'm no chemist, but if "air" is heavy enough to fall to the ground and is visible to the naked eye I would submit that something is tragically wrong at your location. You may wish to vacate the premises otherwise its possible the Terrorists™ will win.
Wait, What: Part 2
( Same account when I tried to pass the guard's call to the property manager )
The On Call answered and took all of the call information from me….then suddenly said "Oh, I thought you were someone else. Let me get a pen." and asked me for all the information over again. Who precisely did you think I was? Do you get prank calls at night from people telling you about burst pipes and fire alarms? Does your nocturnal Romeo call you and serenade you with fictional property management emergencies?
I know hearing about plumbing emergencies and noise complaints at 4:35am lights the fires of my loins.
Hobo Bazaar
Keeping with the new hobo tradition of trying to sell me random objects and foodstuffs, tonight a guy tried to sell me a karaoke machine. That’s right, a karaoke machine. For $4. I don't think *anything* can top that short of someone trying to sell me their underwear next week. I still baffled hours later. A karaoke machine? Where the hell did he even get it? Big thing too, he had to carry it under one arm.
Shame
Me: "and whats your postal code?"
SC: "Oh you just had to go and ask an embarrassing question like that."
…….what? No, really, what? I seriously want to know where the heck that came from. Unless your postal code is L1X 4U2 or something. Which, by the way, is apparently Pickering, Ontario. Sadly, I was disappointed to find Canada doesn't use a postal code that starts with C0X.
Bite Me ><
SC: "Is this a cab?"
Me: "Nope, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, well, sucks to be you."
I would submit that it in fact sucks to be you. Since you're the one that won't be getting a cab this evening and if there's any justice in this world you're the one that will set upon by coyotes this evening.
Yes, I can figure that part out myself.
"This is Newfoundland Power…….er…in Newfoundland."
Thank you for clearing that up. I honestly thought you were Botswana.
I already know....
On my way home from work the same "Fat Chick" hobo told me he would tell me why "the whole universe is dumb" for a quarter.
I've worked in a call center for 6 years.....I already know, my friend. Sweet Mother of God do I know and I try desperately to forget every day.
I'm still reeling. By God. Was there a prison break at Tardcatraz over the weekend? ><
I weep for humanity!
. I've done plenty of ship-to-home orders at the bookstore and never had someone NOT know their zip code off the top of their head. And even when they are having something shipped to someone else they generally come armed with that person's address... Geez, I can even rattle off at least 6 local zip codes off the top of my head by now. 
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