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Resolve This.
There are some phrases that only make sense in the mind of the truly entitled. >.>
Brace yourselves kids, this won't be pretty.
Value
Me: “Your total is going to come to $259.90-“
SC: “How much?”
Me: “$259.90”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Me: “and it should arrive in about two weeks-“
SC: “How much for everything total?”
Me: “……..$259.90?”
SC: “Oh.”
I thought I already revealed the answer to that inquiry. But it seems the light from my previous attempts was not powerful enough to penetrate the algae laden abyss that is your mind. Unless there is some other issue here. Do you not know what dollars are? Actually, come to think of it, that may very well be correct. My apologies, I didn’t realize. In a region that remote you likely have no use for currency and are probably unaware that Canada even exists.
Very well then, let me readjust the price into terms you can understand the value of: Your total comes to 3 pelts, 5 bottles of corn flake moonshine and a 6 pack of Coors.
Hot Tips
Did you know that 99% of all serial killers keep in touch with each other on the Internet? Apparently through some sort web forum or possibly a mailing list? I bet even serial killers have that one guy that does nothing but forward emails full of kittens and cute angels to everybody else. They probably have a World of Warcraft guild too. Something like “<Lotion In The Basket>”.
Hot Tips
SC: “Did you know Jesus Christ does exist and there’s a way to get a hold of him?”
Look, he may be your savior, but I can assure you the guy that shows up under Broadway station on Friday nights and slips you pot isn’t Jesus.
SC: “Start making burnt offers, like write a prayer on a 5 dollar bill.”
That seems rather obtuse, and expensive. Couldn’t you just get his cell number or something? I mean, he’s Jesus, dude’s gotta have a Blackberry at least. Bet he has a ton of followers on Twitter.
Applause
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling <company> tech support.”
SC: “Is this the Mexican consulate?”
…No. That’s…an amazingly far cry from tech support. I mean, I’ve seen callers make some leaps from my greeting phrase to what they think they called before but that one was pretty impressive. Even by my standards. So you know what? Since you managed to pull off such an absurd leap, I’m not even going to make fun of you. I’m just going to sit here and slowly clap in admiration.
Hot Tips
( Yes he wouldn't leave me the hell alone that night )
SC: “I figure Prince Charles is the Antichrist and he owns Microsoft.”
Yet Windows still defaults to US English when I first install it. You know, no offence, but it’s difficult to take any statement you make seriously when you qualify it with “I figure”. Since that implies you were involved in the decision making process that led to this answer in the first place. You’re not exactly a bastion of reason you know. You’re more of a crockpot of vague implication.
SC: “He’s been spying on everyone for years by using the Internet”
Ask him if he has Jesus’s email address.
Applause?
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling <company> tech support.”
SC: “I’m looking for a trailer park.”
….seems I may be clapping for some time.
From The Mouth Of Twats
SC: "Yes, the fire alarm went off earlier here! And it woke me up, and I've been so tired and I'm not feeling well. I had to get up at 2am because of this fire alarm and get out of the building! The manager checked it out and it was a false alarm, so he's taken care of it all. But I want to complain!"
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid this line is for emergencies only, so I can’t leave a message for you-“
SC: “This is an emergency!”
Me: “Yes, but you said the building manager already resolved it.”
SC: “It was, but *I* haven't been resolved yet!!!!!!!!”
.......spoken like someone so entitled they've spent the last 40 years of their life fueding with their parents, because they don't understand why no one wipes their ass for them anymore.
And yes, that was her entire complaint. She wanted me to wake up the emergency on call to tell him that she was tired because this fire alarm woke her up. Seriously.
Love Guru
Me: “Good evening, <real estate office>”
SC: “I wanna meet a girl.”
So….what, now I’m here for dating advice? Truly I am a man of many talents. Very well, Romeo. If I must somehow attempt to instruct you in the art of romance, so be it. Though I will caution you that I will be adapting my council to fit your standards and station in life. So while these methods may work for you personally, I do not advise giving them to anyone else. These are methods uniquely suited to you and your personality.
First of all, let us cover your entrance. First impressions are important and you want to establish dominance over your choice of establishment when you first arrive. So try to puff yourself up to make yourself look larger. Bellow as loud as you can as well, to challenge other males and let nearby females know you are readily available. If any other male objects or even dares look in your direction ( which they will after your magnificent entrance ) then run up to them and yell at them while waving your hands in the air to make yourself bigger. If this fails, head butt them until they either back off or you knock yourself unconscious ( In which case, you have lost the right to female companionship and can never return to that particular establishment after you get out of the ER ).
After you have cleared the room of other males, it is time for courtship. Don’t be afraid, remember, you are the alpha male now. Also, females can smell fear. If you give off even a whiff of it, they may strike. At which point you must flee the area or perish. Waving your arms at them will not work and head butting will only provoke a pack response after which your remains may never be found. So be careful. Remember who you are, be true to yourself, go with your strengths. Offer to groom her or try to find a shiny object you can present as a gift. Lord knows you don’t have anything else to offer, so make sure it’s really shiny if you can.
One of two things will happen here, either complete and utter silence, or again, she may attack. At which point you will have to flee or face a painful demise. However, if you do get utter silence, you must act quickly. She maybe stunned but it will not last long. At this point you must attempt a courtship dance. So just throw out anything you can think of. There’s no set ground rules for what will and will not work at this point. Flay wildly if you have too. You will need some sort of musical accompaniment though. So if you can beat box anything, now is the time. If you sense it isn’t working, at the very least it may confuse her long enough for you to run away.
But above all else, and I can’t stress this enough, don’t let any of the zoo staff see you.
Time & Space
SC: “I’ve been calling about this since Nov 22nd, 2010, so over a year!”
I…don’t think you really understand how calendars work.
SC: “I know you’re just the messenger and I don’t mean to shoot you, but-“
Ironically, you just summed my entire career.
Love Guru 2
Me: "Good evening, <real estate office>"
SC: “Uh, I wanna go ahead and just do the chat thing.”
They saw you, didn’t they?
I Hate When That Happens
SC: “I was just about to place an order online and wanted to call and see if you were real.”
Ah, yes, of course. Nothing worse than placing an order online only to find out the website is run by unicorns. Their post office can’t ship to reality and Fedex hasn’t had much luck opening a branch office in make believe yet. But that’s for the best anyway, they can’t wrap a package worth a damn what with hooves and all so it would likely be damaged when it arrived. Damn good with stamps however.
How Not To Recieve Your Order
Me: “Will that be by credit card, or by COD?”
SC: “Ok <click>”
I guess we’ll never know. Truly, this mystery will gnaw away at my soul for the remainder of my days on this earth. I will die a haunted man.
You're Doing It Wrong
If you have to explain yourself to a female at the Skytrain with the words, and I quote: “Look, see?! I’m not stalking you! Here I’ll even walk in front of you instead of behind you, so it’s totally not like a stalker.” Then you’re probably totally like a stalker.
Maybe?
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Margaret….wait, no…….yes.”
….are you sure? Or do you need a few minutes to decide? I can leave you to it for a few minutes and come back. No biggie. Giving our customers the time and space they require to desperately formulate answers to the most basic of life’s questions is just one of the many fine services we provide here.
Words Are Hard
Me: “Which catalog is this in?”
SC: “W…win…..wintik….we...wan...?”
Me: “....Winter?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but really you’re just not yet ready for this level of complex social interaction. I know you managed to dial our number, and you should be proud that you’ve at least mastered a basic understand of the numbers 0 through to 9. But it’s quite evident that letters are still eluding your mental grasp and you may wish to put off your attempts for a few years yet. It’s nothing to be ashamed of….well, provided you stay where you are, if you were to leave your village and venture forth into civilization your life would be one of shame and ridicule….but! If you just stay where you are, you’re still considered a B average student.
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Green ca….car…..caro?…....can...”
Me: “Camo?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Ok, maybe a C.
I Demand An Explaination
SC: “What’s this number?”
Me: “This is <company>”
SC: “This is not for calling cards?”
Me: “No, sorry. You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Ok, dork! <click>”
Wait, what? You come back here right this instant, young lady! I demand an explanation for why I’m a dork because you made a mistake. A dork is defined in the dictionary as “A stupid, foolish or inept person”. Frankly that’s your calling card, not mine. I’m not the one who didn’t listen to a word of the greeting. I’m not the one who called the wrong number. I am in no way the dork in this scenario. The term “dork” cannot be applied to me in any way here. I am dork-proof. You, however, are a textbook case. So what gives? Is this a psychological problem? Are you projecting your flaws onto me because you can’t deal with them yourself? Look, you’re going to have to come to terms with your own dorkiness yourself instead of lashing out at others. It’s not healthy.
Technical Prowess
( Just to frame this, this guy takes classes ONLINE and is having trouble logging into the webcast this morning and no this is not his first class. ).
Me: “Alright, which internet browser are you using?”
SC: “I don’t know what you’re asking.”
Me: “What browser are you using to access the internet?”
SC: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Are you using Internet Explorer, Chrome or Firefox, for example?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “...Ok, when you go to look at web pages on the Internet, what program do you click on?”
SC: "I don't understand!"
Me: ".....Alright, with our webpage open. Look at the very top left of your screen and read what it says to me."
SC: “…uh....<click>”
Ok, seriously. This….doesn’t seem like a difficult question, even for those who are not tech savvy. The only way you could possibly be confused by it is if you’re in the small demographic of internet users who are under the impression that Best Buy is a coven of witches and their laptop is actually magic portal that needs to be recharged from a wall outlet once every 8 hours.
Hot Tips
SC: “Richard Nixon was never Tricky Dick to Stephen Harper, Stephen Harper was always Dixie Trick, just to trick, that’s all he meant to Stephen Harper, right.”
Me: “…..what?”
No really, what?
Hot Tips
( For those of you outside of Canada, the NDP is one of our political parties )
SC: “I’ve been spying on the NDP”
Yes, well, many a man has lusted after the secret of Jack Layton’s fabulous moustache. So rest assured my friend, you are not alone for once.
SC: “They’re involved with Marxists in Soviet Russia, China and Cuba.”
Ok, now you’re alone. Also, how exactly are they involved with Soviet Russia? Does Layton have a time machine?
SC: “Maybe check with their involvement with UBC and how they’re connected to Cuba, South America, Canada and Russia.”
Wait wait, hold the phone! Stop the presses! You’re saying the NDP is connected to Canada?! My God! Why didn’t you say so earlier?! Yes, yes, now that I think about it, it all makes sense doesn’t it? Truly this is a matter of….er…national….security….for the....US?
SC: “They gotta be sabotaged”
There’s only one way to stop the NDP. You know what you must do. You’re a Gillette electric razor and a mad rush on stage at an NDP rally away from destroying the source of their power.
If you shave it, they will fall.
Good Luck With That
SC: “I know this is a bit late, but I was doing laundry down in the laundry room right before Christmas and lost about $8-“
A “bit late”? A bit late would have been Boxing Day. Late would have been New Years. Really damn late would have been Jan 7th. So late I can do nothing but laugh at you and wish you good luck with getting that refund is Jan 16th.
annnd rest.
Brace yourselves kids, this won't be pretty.
Value
Me: “Your total is going to come to $259.90-“
SC: “How much?”
Me: “$259.90”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Me: “and it should arrive in about two weeks-“
SC: “How much for everything total?”
Me: “……..$259.90?”
SC: “Oh.”
I thought I already revealed the answer to that inquiry. But it seems the light from my previous attempts was not powerful enough to penetrate the algae laden abyss that is your mind. Unless there is some other issue here. Do you not know what dollars are? Actually, come to think of it, that may very well be correct. My apologies, I didn’t realize. In a region that remote you likely have no use for currency and are probably unaware that Canada even exists.
Very well then, let me readjust the price into terms you can understand the value of: Your total comes to 3 pelts, 5 bottles of corn flake moonshine and a 6 pack of Coors.
Hot Tips
Did you know that 99% of all serial killers keep in touch with each other on the Internet? Apparently through some sort web forum or possibly a mailing list? I bet even serial killers have that one guy that does nothing but forward emails full of kittens and cute angels to everybody else. They probably have a World of Warcraft guild too. Something like “<Lotion In The Basket>”.
Hot Tips
SC: “Did you know Jesus Christ does exist and there’s a way to get a hold of him?”
Look, he may be your savior, but I can assure you the guy that shows up under Broadway station on Friday nights and slips you pot isn’t Jesus.
SC: “Start making burnt offers, like write a prayer on a 5 dollar bill.”
That seems rather obtuse, and expensive. Couldn’t you just get his cell number or something? I mean, he’s Jesus, dude’s gotta have a Blackberry at least. Bet he has a ton of followers on Twitter.
Applause
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling <company> tech support.”
SC: “Is this the Mexican consulate?”
…No. That’s…an amazingly far cry from tech support. I mean, I’ve seen callers make some leaps from my greeting phrase to what they think they called before but that one was pretty impressive. Even by my standards. So you know what? Since you managed to pull off such an absurd leap, I’m not even going to make fun of you. I’m just going to sit here and slowly clap in admiration.
Hot Tips
( Yes he wouldn't leave me the hell alone that night )
SC: “I figure Prince Charles is the Antichrist and he owns Microsoft.”
Yet Windows still defaults to US English when I first install it. You know, no offence, but it’s difficult to take any statement you make seriously when you qualify it with “I figure”. Since that implies you were involved in the decision making process that led to this answer in the first place. You’re not exactly a bastion of reason you know. You’re more of a crockpot of vague implication.
SC: “He’s been spying on everyone for years by using the Internet”
Ask him if he has Jesus’s email address.
Applause?
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling <company> tech support.”
SC: “I’m looking for a trailer park.”
….seems I may be clapping for some time.
From The Mouth Of Twats
SC: "Yes, the fire alarm went off earlier here! And it woke me up, and I've been so tired and I'm not feeling well. I had to get up at 2am because of this fire alarm and get out of the building! The manager checked it out and it was a false alarm, so he's taken care of it all. But I want to complain!"
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid this line is for emergencies only, so I can’t leave a message for you-“
SC: “This is an emergency!”
Me: “Yes, but you said the building manager already resolved it.”
SC: “It was, but *I* haven't been resolved yet!!!!!!!!”
.......spoken like someone so entitled they've spent the last 40 years of their life fueding with their parents, because they don't understand why no one wipes their ass for them anymore.
And yes, that was her entire complaint. She wanted me to wake up the emergency on call to tell him that she was tired because this fire alarm woke her up. Seriously.
Love Guru
Me: “Good evening, <real estate office>”
SC: “I wanna meet a girl.”
So….what, now I’m here for dating advice? Truly I am a man of many talents. Very well, Romeo. If I must somehow attempt to instruct you in the art of romance, so be it. Though I will caution you that I will be adapting my council to fit your standards and station in life. So while these methods may work for you personally, I do not advise giving them to anyone else. These are methods uniquely suited to you and your personality.
First of all, let us cover your entrance. First impressions are important and you want to establish dominance over your choice of establishment when you first arrive. So try to puff yourself up to make yourself look larger. Bellow as loud as you can as well, to challenge other males and let nearby females know you are readily available. If any other male objects or even dares look in your direction ( which they will after your magnificent entrance ) then run up to them and yell at them while waving your hands in the air to make yourself bigger. If this fails, head butt them until they either back off or you knock yourself unconscious ( In which case, you have lost the right to female companionship and can never return to that particular establishment after you get out of the ER ).
After you have cleared the room of other males, it is time for courtship. Don’t be afraid, remember, you are the alpha male now. Also, females can smell fear. If you give off even a whiff of it, they may strike. At which point you must flee the area or perish. Waving your arms at them will not work and head butting will only provoke a pack response after which your remains may never be found. So be careful. Remember who you are, be true to yourself, go with your strengths. Offer to groom her or try to find a shiny object you can present as a gift. Lord knows you don’t have anything else to offer, so make sure it’s really shiny if you can.
One of two things will happen here, either complete and utter silence, or again, she may attack. At which point you will have to flee or face a painful demise. However, if you do get utter silence, you must act quickly. She maybe stunned but it will not last long. At this point you must attempt a courtship dance. So just throw out anything you can think of. There’s no set ground rules for what will and will not work at this point. Flay wildly if you have too. You will need some sort of musical accompaniment though. So if you can beat box anything, now is the time. If you sense it isn’t working, at the very least it may confuse her long enough for you to run away.
But above all else, and I can’t stress this enough, don’t let any of the zoo staff see you.
Time & Space
SC: “I’ve been calling about this since Nov 22nd, 2010, so over a year!”
I…don’t think you really understand how calendars work.
SC: “I know you’re just the messenger and I don’t mean to shoot you, but-“
Ironically, you just summed my entire career.
Love Guru 2
Me: "Good evening, <real estate office>"
SC: “Uh, I wanna go ahead and just do the chat thing.”
They saw you, didn’t they?
I Hate When That Happens
SC: “I was just about to place an order online and wanted to call and see if you were real.”
Ah, yes, of course. Nothing worse than placing an order online only to find out the website is run by unicorns. Their post office can’t ship to reality and Fedex hasn’t had much luck opening a branch office in make believe yet. But that’s for the best anyway, they can’t wrap a package worth a damn what with hooves and all so it would likely be damaged when it arrived. Damn good with stamps however.
How Not To Recieve Your Order
Me: “Will that be by credit card, or by COD?”
SC: “Ok <click>”
I guess we’ll never know. Truly, this mystery will gnaw away at my soul for the remainder of my days on this earth. I will die a haunted man.
You're Doing It Wrong
If you have to explain yourself to a female at the Skytrain with the words, and I quote: “Look, see?! I’m not stalking you! Here I’ll even walk in front of you instead of behind you, so it’s totally not like a stalker.” Then you’re probably totally like a stalker.
Maybe?
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Margaret….wait, no…….yes.”
….are you sure? Or do you need a few minutes to decide? I can leave you to it for a few minutes and come back. No biggie. Giving our customers the time and space they require to desperately formulate answers to the most basic of life’s questions is just one of the many fine services we provide here.
Words Are Hard
Me: “Which catalog is this in?”
SC: “W…win…..wintik….we...wan...?”
Me: “....Winter?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but really you’re just not yet ready for this level of complex social interaction. I know you managed to dial our number, and you should be proud that you’ve at least mastered a basic understand of the numbers 0 through to 9. But it’s quite evident that letters are still eluding your mental grasp and you may wish to put off your attempts for a few years yet. It’s nothing to be ashamed of….well, provided you stay where you are, if you were to leave your village and venture forth into civilization your life would be one of shame and ridicule….but! If you just stay where you are, you’re still considered a B average student.
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Green ca….car…..caro?…....can...”
Me: “Camo?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Ok, maybe a C.
I Demand An Explaination
SC: “What’s this number?”
Me: “This is <company>”
SC: “This is not for calling cards?”
Me: “No, sorry. You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Ok, dork! <click>”
Wait, what? You come back here right this instant, young lady! I demand an explanation for why I’m a dork because you made a mistake. A dork is defined in the dictionary as “A stupid, foolish or inept person”. Frankly that’s your calling card, not mine. I’m not the one who didn’t listen to a word of the greeting. I’m not the one who called the wrong number. I am in no way the dork in this scenario. The term “dork” cannot be applied to me in any way here. I am dork-proof. You, however, are a textbook case. So what gives? Is this a psychological problem? Are you projecting your flaws onto me because you can’t deal with them yourself? Look, you’re going to have to come to terms with your own dorkiness yourself instead of lashing out at others. It’s not healthy.
Technical Prowess
( Just to frame this, this guy takes classes ONLINE and is having trouble logging into the webcast this morning and no this is not his first class. ).
Me: “Alright, which internet browser are you using?”
SC: “I don’t know what you’re asking.”
Me: “What browser are you using to access the internet?”
SC: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Are you using Internet Explorer, Chrome or Firefox, for example?”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “...Ok, when you go to look at web pages on the Internet, what program do you click on?”
SC: "I don't understand!"
Me: ".....Alright, with our webpage open. Look at the very top left of your screen and read what it says to me."
SC: “…uh....<click>”
Ok, seriously. This….doesn’t seem like a difficult question, even for those who are not tech savvy. The only way you could possibly be confused by it is if you’re in the small demographic of internet users who are under the impression that Best Buy is a coven of witches and their laptop is actually magic portal that needs to be recharged from a wall outlet once every 8 hours.
Hot Tips
SC: “Richard Nixon was never Tricky Dick to Stephen Harper, Stephen Harper was always Dixie Trick, just to trick, that’s all he meant to Stephen Harper, right.”
Me: “…..what?”
No really, what?
Hot Tips
( For those of you outside of Canada, the NDP is one of our political parties )
SC: “I’ve been spying on the NDP”
Yes, well, many a man has lusted after the secret of Jack Layton’s fabulous moustache. So rest assured my friend, you are not alone for once.
SC: “They’re involved with Marxists in Soviet Russia, China and Cuba.”
Ok, now you’re alone. Also, how exactly are they involved with Soviet Russia? Does Layton have a time machine?
SC: “Maybe check with their involvement with UBC and how they’re connected to Cuba, South America, Canada and Russia.”
Wait wait, hold the phone! Stop the presses! You’re saying the NDP is connected to Canada?! My God! Why didn’t you say so earlier?! Yes, yes, now that I think about it, it all makes sense doesn’t it? Truly this is a matter of….er…national….security….for the....US?
SC: “They gotta be sabotaged”
There’s only one way to stop the NDP. You know what you must do. You’re a Gillette electric razor and a mad rush on stage at an NDP rally away from destroying the source of their power.
If you shave it, they will fall.
Good Luck With That
SC: “I know this is a bit late, but I was doing laundry down in the laundry room right before Christmas and lost about $8-“
A “bit late”? A bit late would have been Boxing Day. Late would have been New Years. Really damn late would have been Jan 7th. So late I can do nothing but laugh at you and wish you good luck with getting that refund is Jan 16th.
annnd rest.
</bigger dork moment>
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