How Not to Talk on the Telephone...

[BookBint]

The entire office was silent for a full 10 minutes while we all listened to one side of what was clearly a terrible author/editor phone conversation.

BG: All our authors, before we take their book proposal to a meeting to have it accepted/rejected, have to fill out a form. Basically who they are, what the book is about, previous publications, what niche the book fills, possible marketing etc etc. It's a useful tool because we often don't have time to read the 100 pages many authors send us of their book, and the form forces them to give us the jist of the matter and give us basic personal info into the bargin. However, many authors think this is beneath them and don't fill it out properly. This was one of those, with a side helping of evil.

FE (Fellow Editor) had sent the form to this evil author (EA) to fill out. He had sent it back and had deleted all the questions he couldn't be bothered to answer, so a 5 page form was now 1 page long. FE then sent another email asking him to do it in full, very politely, if I know FE. Then EA rang up. Apparently the first thing he said was 'What's your damn problem?!!!!' Not a good start. Obviously I couldn't hear what EA was saying (except that it was clearly VERY loud), but I reproduce what I could hear FE saying.

FE: Look, I realise it's a bit long but it really has to be filled in.
EA: blargh
FE: Because I can't take the book to a meeting without the form.
EA: blargh
FE: Well no, I can't fill it in, because I don't know your details.
EA: blargh
FE: Now please calm down.
EA: blargh
FE: Because they won't look at a proposal without the form!
EA: blargh
FE: No I can't give you a contract! The book hasn't been proposed yet!
EA: blargh
FE: We don't contract books unless they've been proposed!
EA: blargh
FE: I can't propose the book without the form...
EA: blargh
FE: Please lower your voice.
EA: blargh
FE: Look, I am not under any obligation to take this project on, and clearly we are not setting the groundwork for a decent working relationship.
EA: blargh
FE: Please be quiet for a second. I don't have to take this book. It hasn't been to a meeting. It won't go to a meeting without a form. Now calm down and decide whether you want to continue.
EA: blargh
FE: Right now I couldn't care less how many books you've written, and I'd hope you didn't treat any of your other editors like this.
EA: blargh
FE: No. I have sent you the form. If you fill it out I may consider taking the matter forward, but to be honest I don't have high hopes for it right now.
EA: blargh
FE: Fill it out, don't fill it out.
EA: blargh
FE: We're not getting anywhere.
EA: blargh
FE: No I can't fill it in for you! Goodbye!

FE was seriously pissed off after that. He went straight to the biscuit tin. EA rang back half an hour later and it sounded like he had grudgingly filled out the form. Too late though. Everyone in the office had told FE to drop him like a brick...

I'm used to authors acting like God AFTER they've got a contract. This was a new one.

[NateTheChops]

I can only imagine what sort of opus this EA thought they had pooped out.

[Crossbow]

Apparently he thought your form was useless. Too bad for him.

"I don't fill out meaningless drivel."

'Well, I guess we don't publish it, either. See ya!"

That was a serious application of a foot-gun.

[dalesys]

"I don't fill out meaningless drivel."

"How do you explain your 'book', then?"

[emax4]

This just screams "epic win". I'm wondering if the author really shaped up his or her act after this or if they just went on to terrorize other publishers and lose out on their own work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Blargh.

[chainedbarista]

they went on to 'blargh' a great many other publishers, before the community decides to blacklist him as a whole. the end.

[Crossbow]

they went on to 'blargh' a great many other publishers, before the community decides to blacklist him as a whole. the end.

*sniff* I love happy endings.

[mharbourgirl]

My goodness. Props to FE for keeping his cool as well as he did, dude sounds absolutely infuriating.

What kind of biscuits does FE like particularly? We should send him some of his favourites just for that story. And because, well, biscuits.

[BookBint]

What kind of biscuits does FE like particularly? We should send him some of his favourites just for that story. And because, well, biscuits.

I believe he favours Custard Creams...

[Raveni]

It should have been a warning in and of itself that he has had as many editors as books.

[MoonCat]

I believe he favours Custard Creams...

Or in other words, "cookies" on this side of the pond.

I believe we have lots of 'em around here someplace...

[Kristev]

Twits like him get all the editors they can run through, and I can't even get one! Life is so unfair.