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The names here are not the real names of the customers.
Samuel Ratchett
Me: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
SC: I have a concern about my flight. I need my bodyguards with me on this flight...
Why me
SC: ... and I need them to get on the flight free of charge.
Me: That's something you need to discuss with the airline, but I highly doubt your bodyguards will be allowed on board free.
SC: Now listen here, little missy. I'm a very powerful man and men like me have enemies. I need my bodyguards to protect me from these enemies. Do you understand?
Me: I do, but that's not really something I can help you with. You'll have to discuss with the airlines.
SC: Hmph! That's an unsatisfactory answer.
Me: I'm sorry, but there's really nothing I can do.
SC: Hmph! Fine. But if my enemies end up killing me, I'll come back to sue your ass!
I was unaware Hades is allowing the shades to come back for lawsuits.
SC: Maybe I'll like owning a travel agency.
Hangs up.
Hector MacQueen
Me: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
SC: Hey, uh that previous customer you had? That was my boss. I'd like to apologize. He can be a little crazy.
Me: Oh, that's no problem.
SC: Anyway, I was calling because I felt bad for the way he was treating you and he has no right to treat a pretty voice like yourself badly like that.
Wait, what?
SC: If you have a pretty voice like that, you must be a pretty girl, too.
Me: Umm... Thank you... If there's anything else...
SC: No, I mean you must really be pretty
Me: Thank you...Oh! You'll have to excuse me, I've got a call coming in from Istanbul! Bye!
Lie
SC: May I...
Me: Hangs up.
Edward Masterman
Me: Thank you for calling. May I help you?
SC: Forgive me, miss. But, I would like to make a complaint about the hotel staff.
Me: Oh, I am so terribly sorry you're having problems at the hotel, but...
SC: The staff here is very rude and it's obvious that they have no idea what on earth they are doing.
Me: I'm terribly...
SC: I should know, I used to be a butler to a fine gentlemen. The staff here is incredibly inconsiderate to the customers.
Me: I'm sure...
SC: Why, they couldn't even tell me where the local drugstore was when I had my toothache last night!
Me: Perhaps if...
SC: What do you think I should do about this?
Me: I'm afraid I'm not the person that deals with matters such as this. Perhaps you might get better results if you spoke to the manager of the hotel about his staff.
SC: Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place?
Pierre Michel
Me: Opening spiel
SC: I'm terribly sorry for having to bug you, but the locals here are making my daughter completely upset.
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Perhaps I should explain
That would be nice
SC: The locals here are talking about my daughter in accusing tones.
Me: I'm afraid I don't understand.
SC: She tells me that the people here look at her, talk about her in Greek, or whatever language they speak here, in accusing tones, and then stare at her again. She's terribly upset!
Me: I'm not sure how I can help you here.
SC: Perhaps you might tell them to stop it with the accusations?
Me: Sir, where are you?
SC: I'm in Crete.
Me: And where am I?
SC: What does that... Oh... This was probably the most stupidest call you've ever gotten, isn't it?
Mary Debenham
Me: Opening spiel
SC: Yes, I'm a professor at a university. I teach ancient Greek history and I want to take my students to Greece so that they'll be able to get a better understanding of my lectures.
Me: Well, I certainly can help you with that.
Goes through tours and tour packages and she picks out what she wants
Me: And how many students and chaperones are coming?
SC: Well, I don't quite know yet. I haven't announced the trip. I'm just trying to see how much this would all cost.
Me: Can you give me an approximate amount of students and chaperones you might be expecting?
She does
Me: Well, this would cost about price.
SC: Oh, dear. I had no idea it would be that high. Would a discount be possible?
Me: Yes, it certainly would be. Seeing as this is an education experience I can discount the price to new price.
SC: That's still rather high...
Me: That's the best I can do at the moment.
SC: A teacher doesn't make a good salary these days.
Me: That's the best I can do at the moment.
SC: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
SC: Well....maybe you can hold it until I announce the trip to my students?
Me: I can hold your tour package up to 30 days without payment. But, if you want to book this tour, I must receive payment after the 30 days has expired.
SC: Well, I can't announce the trip to the students now. Not now. When I get that other thing over with, then I can announce it.
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Oh, sorry, dear. I was talking about announcing the trip to the dean. I haven't told him about it yet or gotten his approval. It might take longer than 30 days for me to get back to you.
Me: I'm sorry, but I can't hold on to your package for longer than 30 days without payment.
SC: Can you try?
Me: That's not possible.
SC: Oh! I'll call you back. Hangs up.
Colonel Arbuthnot
SC: Yes, I'm wondering if you have a military discount. You see, I've recently just been discharged after getting myself wounded.
Me: I'm terribly sorry about your injury. Let me see what I can do for you. I don't think we have a military discount, but...
SC: And why the bloody hell not?!
Me: Excuse me...
SC: No, I will not excuse you! I've just been wounded during battle, and you're to cold-hearted not to give me a f***ing discoung?!
Me: Sir, if you...
SC: Don't you speak to me in that tone! You're not allowed to speak to me in that tone!
Me: I'm ter...
SC: What did I just say about that tone?!
Me: Hangs up.
Princess Natalia Dragomiroff
SC: The hotel has stolen my handkerchief! I cannot find my handkerchief!
Me: I'm terribly sorry about your handkerchief, ma'am, but are you sure the hotel has stolen it?
SC: Of course I'm sure! I had it with me last night, and now it's gone! It's an expensive handkerchief, mind you! I had it customized with my name on it!
Me: And you have looked everywhere for the handkerchief?
SC: I've had my maid look all over this damn room and the restaurant as well! She's looking in the bathroom now, but I highly...mumbling noises... excuse me for a minute...what did you say? More mumbling...Where? Mumbling How did it...Mumbling
She hangs up and never calls back
Hildegarde Schmidt
SC: I wish to complain about the food!
Me: The food?
SC: Yes! Your food was terrible! And the waitress I had last night was extremely rude to me!
Me: Ma'am, we're not a restaurant, we're a travelling company.
SC: Then why did the manager give me your number to complain to?
Me: Maybe you might have misdialed.
SC: Of course I didn't misdial.
Of course. How obvious.
Me: Well, maybe the manager gave you the wrong number.
SC: Well, what are you going to do for me?
Me: I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you.
SC: That's impossible. You must do something for me.
What's impossible is that Zeus hasn't struck you yet.
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but this is not a restaurant.
SC: Well, while we're on the phone, do you need a personal chef? My last boss fired me.
Count Rudolph Adrenyi
SC: I wish to make a complaint about the staff at our hotel. They insulted my wife.
Me: I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. Did you speak to the manager of the hotel.
SC: Yes, I did, and he insulted her, too.
Me: I am so sorry. I might be able to make some last minute changes to a different hotel for you, if you like.
SC: Yes. Please do. And tell the new staff not to insult my wife like this staff has done. Do you know what they did?
Me: No, sir. I don't. But I'll make sure the new hotel does not insult your wife.
SC: They called her by her real name!
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: My wife, does not like her real name! She uses a nickname! Tell the new hotel not to call my wife by her real name!
Me: I will most certainly do that. And her nickname is?
SC: Elena.
Me: All right. Gives him information about the new hotel and the cost.
SC: Of course, I'll pay for the changes, so long as the new hotel does not insult my wife! Hangs up.
Countess Helena Adrenyi
SC: The staff here insulted me! They called me Helena! I hate Helena! Why would they call me a name I hate!
Me: Ma'am, I believe your husband has previously called us. Is he Count Rudolph Adrenyi?
SC: Yes, he is. He called already? Oh. I didn't know that. But why would they call me Helena!
Me: Ma'am, I mean no offence, but "Helena Adrenyi" was registered to the room you were in. They just wanted to be sure that you were "Helena Adrenyi."
SC: Well, I guess that makes sense. But why was my name not registered "Elena" in the first place?!
Me: You did not tell me you wished for me to make your name registered as "Elena." I have just heard your nickname for the first time when your husband called a few minutes ago.
SC: Oh, that ass. Did he forget to tell you I wanted the staff to call me by my nickname again? Every time we travel, he always forgets to tell the travel agent about my name. Aaargh! Hangs up.
Caroline Hubbard
SC: The food was terrible, the service sucked, the hotels were dirty, the air flight was delayed. My daughter told me that taking a trip to Greece would be the best in the world! Ha! What a crock!
Me: I'm terribly sorry that you did not enjoy your trip ma'am.
SC: Oh, save your sympathetic BS. My daughter said I would enjoy myself and I haven't. I don't suppose a refund is in order?
Me: I'm terribly sorry ma'am, but a refund is out of the question.
SC: Great, just great. And my daughter said that you guys did excellent service to her.
Me: Once again, I am terribly sorry.
SC: No you're not. If you were sorry, you'd give me a refund for this horrible trip. This is lousy service. Just wait until my daughter hears about this. Then you'll be sorry! Hangs up.
Greta Ohlsson
SC: I don't understand why the hotels in Santorini are so prejudiced against children.
Me: Ma'am, as I have explained to you
Five times
Me: Santorini is filled with cliffs. The hotels do not want any children to be playing on these cliffs and accidently fall off. This is a liability issue.
SC: Oh, but that's prejudiced against children!
Me: I'm terribly sorry, but there is nothing I can do.
SC: The hotels are being so mean to children. Children are adorable! I don't understand why the hotels in Santorini are so prejudiced against children.
Oh, sweet Thanatos, take me now.
Antonio Foscarelli
SC: This rental car is no good. It's broken.
Me: What do you mean it's broken, sir.
SC: It broke.
Me: How did it break?
SC: Just send me a new one! It broke! That's all there is to it!
Me: Sir, before I can call the company to send you a new car, I have to know how the other one broke.
SC: It just broke.
Me: ...
SC: I was driving down the road and it broke!
Me: ...
SC: Alright, maybe I was enjoying the scenery as I drove, but that has nothing to do with...What?... Not now officer, I'm trying to get this idiot on the other line to send me a new car!... What....
Me: Sir, may I please speak to the officer.
SC: Fine, here!
Officer: ...Um... May I help you?
Me: The customer told me that the car broke?
Officer: Oh, yeah, it broke alright. After he rear-ended the car in front of him!
SC: Shouting When am I getting a new car?!
Cyrus Hardman
SC: So now, Mr. Ratchett tells me that I have to pay separately even though I'm his bodyguard?
Me: Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but this is something that you have to discuss with the airline. I'm only the travel agent.
SC: Exactly. I'm travelling by air. To the place where my boss is travelling to. I need to travel with him until he gets off at Athens.
Me: Once again, sir, you must speak to the airline about this. I deal with travelling in Greece, Turkey, and Israel. I do not handle air travels. You must speak to the airline about any air travelling you will have to do.
SC: So, I have to speak to the airline?
Me: Yes, sir.
SC: I still don't get why I have to pay separately.
Me: Sir, please speak to the airline about this.
SC: I did.
Me: Then may I ask why you're calling me?
SC: ...I owe MacQueen a favor. He wants your number.
Me: Sigh
SC: Should I tell him to go to hell?
Me: That would be nice.
SC: Yeah, I thought so. I told him this was a stupid idea, but he wanted me to try anyway.
Me: Yeah, it was.
SC: Long day?
Me: Oh, you have no idea...
Samuel Ratchett
Me: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
SC: I have a concern about my flight. I need my bodyguards with me on this flight...
Why me
SC: ... and I need them to get on the flight free of charge.
Me: That's something you need to discuss with the airline, but I highly doubt your bodyguards will be allowed on board free.
SC: Now listen here, little missy. I'm a very powerful man and men like me have enemies. I need my bodyguards to protect me from these enemies. Do you understand?
Me: I do, but that's not really something I can help you with. You'll have to discuss with the airlines.
SC: Hmph! That's an unsatisfactory answer.
Me: I'm sorry, but there's really nothing I can do.
SC: Hmph! Fine. But if my enemies end up killing me, I'll come back to sue your ass!
I was unaware Hades is allowing the shades to come back for lawsuits.
SC: Maybe I'll like owning a travel agency.
Hangs up.
Hector MacQueen
Me: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
SC: Hey, uh that previous customer you had? That was my boss. I'd like to apologize. He can be a little crazy.
Me: Oh, that's no problem.
SC: Anyway, I was calling because I felt bad for the way he was treating you and he has no right to treat a pretty voice like yourself badly like that.
Wait, what?
SC: If you have a pretty voice like that, you must be a pretty girl, too.
Me: Umm... Thank you... If there's anything else...
SC: No, I mean you must really be pretty
Me: Thank you...Oh! You'll have to excuse me, I've got a call coming in from Istanbul! Bye!
Lie
SC: May I...
Me: Hangs up.
Edward Masterman
Me: Thank you for calling. May I help you?
SC: Forgive me, miss. But, I would like to make a complaint about the hotel staff.
Me: Oh, I am so terribly sorry you're having problems at the hotel, but...
SC: The staff here is very rude and it's obvious that they have no idea what on earth they are doing.
Me: I'm terribly...
SC: I should know, I used to be a butler to a fine gentlemen. The staff here is incredibly inconsiderate to the customers.
Me: I'm sure...
SC: Why, they couldn't even tell me where the local drugstore was when I had my toothache last night!
Me: Perhaps if...
SC: What do you think I should do about this?
Me: I'm afraid I'm not the person that deals with matters such as this. Perhaps you might get better results if you spoke to the manager of the hotel about his staff.
SC: Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place?
Pierre Michel
Me: Opening spiel
SC: I'm terribly sorry for having to bug you, but the locals here are making my daughter completely upset.
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Perhaps I should explain
That would be nice
SC: The locals here are talking about my daughter in accusing tones.
Me: I'm afraid I don't understand.
SC: She tells me that the people here look at her, talk about her in Greek, or whatever language they speak here, in accusing tones, and then stare at her again. She's terribly upset!
Me: I'm not sure how I can help you here.
SC: Perhaps you might tell them to stop it with the accusations?
Me: Sir, where are you?
SC: I'm in Crete.
Me: And where am I?
SC: What does that... Oh... This was probably the most stupidest call you've ever gotten, isn't it?
Mary Debenham
Me: Opening spiel
SC: Yes, I'm a professor at a university. I teach ancient Greek history and I want to take my students to Greece so that they'll be able to get a better understanding of my lectures.
Me: Well, I certainly can help you with that.
Goes through tours and tour packages and she picks out what she wants
Me: And how many students and chaperones are coming?
SC: Well, I don't quite know yet. I haven't announced the trip. I'm just trying to see how much this would all cost.
Me: Can you give me an approximate amount of students and chaperones you might be expecting?
She does
Me: Well, this would cost about price.
SC: Oh, dear. I had no idea it would be that high. Would a discount be possible?
Me: Yes, it certainly would be. Seeing as this is an education experience I can discount the price to new price.
SC: That's still rather high...
Me: That's the best I can do at the moment.
SC: A teacher doesn't make a good salary these days.
Me: That's the best I can do at the moment.
SC: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
SC: Well....maybe you can hold it until I announce the trip to my students?
Me: I can hold your tour package up to 30 days without payment. But, if you want to book this tour, I must receive payment after the 30 days has expired.
SC: Well, I can't announce the trip to the students now. Not now. When I get that other thing over with, then I can announce it.
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Oh, sorry, dear. I was talking about announcing the trip to the dean. I haven't told him about it yet or gotten his approval. It might take longer than 30 days for me to get back to you.
Me: I'm sorry, but I can't hold on to your package for longer than 30 days without payment.
SC: Can you try?
Me: That's not possible.
SC: Oh! I'll call you back. Hangs up.
Colonel Arbuthnot
SC: Yes, I'm wondering if you have a military discount. You see, I've recently just been discharged after getting myself wounded.
Me: I'm terribly sorry about your injury. Let me see what I can do for you. I don't think we have a military discount, but...
SC: And why the bloody hell not?!
Me: Excuse me...
SC: No, I will not excuse you! I've just been wounded during battle, and you're to cold-hearted not to give me a f***ing discoung?!
Me: Sir, if you...
SC: Don't you speak to me in that tone! You're not allowed to speak to me in that tone!
Me: I'm ter...
SC: What did I just say about that tone?!
Me: Hangs up.
Princess Natalia Dragomiroff
SC: The hotel has stolen my handkerchief! I cannot find my handkerchief!
Me: I'm terribly sorry about your handkerchief, ma'am, but are you sure the hotel has stolen it?
SC: Of course I'm sure! I had it with me last night, and now it's gone! It's an expensive handkerchief, mind you! I had it customized with my name on it!
Me: And you have looked everywhere for the handkerchief?
SC: I've had my maid look all over this damn room and the restaurant as well! She's looking in the bathroom now, but I highly...mumbling noises... excuse me for a minute...what did you say? More mumbling...Where? Mumbling How did it...Mumbling
She hangs up and never calls back
Hildegarde Schmidt
SC: I wish to complain about the food!
Me: The food?
SC: Yes! Your food was terrible! And the waitress I had last night was extremely rude to me!
Me: Ma'am, we're not a restaurant, we're a travelling company.
SC: Then why did the manager give me your number to complain to?
Me: Maybe you might have misdialed.
SC: Of course I didn't misdial.
Of course. How obvious.
Me: Well, maybe the manager gave you the wrong number.
SC: Well, what are you going to do for me?
Me: I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you.
SC: That's impossible. You must do something for me.
What's impossible is that Zeus hasn't struck you yet.
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but this is not a restaurant.
SC: Well, while we're on the phone, do you need a personal chef? My last boss fired me.
Count Rudolph Adrenyi
SC: I wish to make a complaint about the staff at our hotel. They insulted my wife.
Me: I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. Did you speak to the manager of the hotel.
SC: Yes, I did, and he insulted her, too.
Me: I am so sorry. I might be able to make some last minute changes to a different hotel for you, if you like.
SC: Yes. Please do. And tell the new staff not to insult my wife like this staff has done. Do you know what they did?
Me: No, sir. I don't. But I'll make sure the new hotel does not insult your wife.
SC: They called her by her real name!
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: My wife, does not like her real name! She uses a nickname! Tell the new hotel not to call my wife by her real name!
Me: I will most certainly do that. And her nickname is?
SC: Elena.
Me: All right. Gives him information about the new hotel and the cost.
SC: Of course, I'll pay for the changes, so long as the new hotel does not insult my wife! Hangs up.
Countess Helena Adrenyi
SC: The staff here insulted me! They called me Helena! I hate Helena! Why would they call me a name I hate!
Me: Ma'am, I believe your husband has previously called us. Is he Count Rudolph Adrenyi?
SC: Yes, he is. He called already? Oh. I didn't know that. But why would they call me Helena!
Me: Ma'am, I mean no offence, but "Helena Adrenyi" was registered to the room you were in. They just wanted to be sure that you were "Helena Adrenyi."
SC: Well, I guess that makes sense. But why was my name not registered "Elena" in the first place?!
Me: You did not tell me you wished for me to make your name registered as "Elena." I have just heard your nickname for the first time when your husband called a few minutes ago.
SC: Oh, that ass. Did he forget to tell you I wanted the staff to call me by my nickname again? Every time we travel, he always forgets to tell the travel agent about my name. Aaargh! Hangs up.
Caroline Hubbard
SC: The food was terrible, the service sucked, the hotels were dirty, the air flight was delayed. My daughter told me that taking a trip to Greece would be the best in the world! Ha! What a crock!
Me: I'm terribly sorry that you did not enjoy your trip ma'am.
SC: Oh, save your sympathetic BS. My daughter said I would enjoy myself and I haven't. I don't suppose a refund is in order?
Me: I'm terribly sorry ma'am, but a refund is out of the question.
SC: Great, just great. And my daughter said that you guys did excellent service to her.
Me: Once again, I am terribly sorry.
SC: No you're not. If you were sorry, you'd give me a refund for this horrible trip. This is lousy service. Just wait until my daughter hears about this. Then you'll be sorry! Hangs up.
Greta Ohlsson
SC: I don't understand why the hotels in Santorini are so prejudiced against children.
Me: Ma'am, as I have explained to you
Five times
Me: Santorini is filled with cliffs. The hotels do not want any children to be playing on these cliffs and accidently fall off. This is a liability issue.
SC: Oh, but that's prejudiced against children!
Me: I'm terribly sorry, but there is nothing I can do.
SC: The hotels are being so mean to children. Children are adorable! I don't understand why the hotels in Santorini are so prejudiced against children.
Oh, sweet Thanatos, take me now.
Antonio Foscarelli
SC: This rental car is no good. It's broken.
Me: What do you mean it's broken, sir.
SC: It broke.
Me: How did it break?
SC: Just send me a new one! It broke! That's all there is to it!
Me: Sir, before I can call the company to send you a new car, I have to know how the other one broke.
SC: It just broke.
Me: ...
SC: I was driving down the road and it broke!
Me: ...
SC: Alright, maybe I was enjoying the scenery as I drove, but that has nothing to do with...What?... Not now officer, I'm trying to get this idiot on the other line to send me a new car!... What....
Me: Sir, may I please speak to the officer.
SC: Fine, here!
Officer: ...Um... May I help you?
Me: The customer told me that the car broke?
Officer: Oh, yeah, it broke alright. After he rear-ended the car in front of him!
SC: Shouting When am I getting a new car?!
Cyrus Hardman
SC: So now, Mr. Ratchett tells me that I have to pay separately even though I'm his bodyguard?
Me: Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but this is something that you have to discuss with the airline. I'm only the travel agent.
SC: Exactly. I'm travelling by air. To the place where my boss is travelling to. I need to travel with him until he gets off at Athens.
Me: Once again, sir, you must speak to the airline about this. I deal with travelling in Greece, Turkey, and Israel. I do not handle air travels. You must speak to the airline about any air travelling you will have to do.
SC: So, I have to speak to the airline?
Me: Yes, sir.
SC: I still don't get why I have to pay separately.
Me: Sir, please speak to the airline about this.
SC: I did.
Me: Then may I ask why you're calling me?
SC: ...I owe MacQueen a favor. He wants your number.
Me: Sigh
SC: Should I tell him to go to hell?
Me: That would be nice.
SC: Yeah, I thought so. I told him this was a stupid idea, but he wanted me to try anyway.
Me: Yeah, it was.
SC: Long day?
Me: Oh, you have no idea...
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