Take the Refund, Please!

[Dips]

I got a call from a customer who started rattling off a long involved story about talking with Eugene and a hardware company. The stuff he was talking about was stuff I don't know how to support, so I planned to send him back to Eugene as soon as he paused a moment to let me speak. Finally he did.

Me: Would you like to speak with Eugene?

SC: No! He told me he couldn't help me. Look I've spent ten hours on this. Can't you help me?

Me: I'm afraid Eugene is the only person knowledgable about hardware interface who is here today.

SC: Why don't you want to help me?

Me: Sir, I'm trying to help you by getting you to a qualified person.

SC: I guess I'm going to have to get a refund.

Me: May I ask your serial number?

SC: ######

Me: I see you are well within the 90-day return period. It won't be a problem to refund your money.

SC: That's what Eugene said! I don't understand why you can't help me.

Me: Apparently we can't, which is why we are offering you a refund.

SC: But I need this to work!

Me: If Eugene told you we can't make it work, then he's probably right. Sometimes our software isn't a good fit for a customer. That's why we have a 90-day return period.

SC: So you're refusing to help me.

Me: I'm afraid I don't have the expertise to help you. If Eugene has been helping you, I'll be happy to let you talk to him again. Even if he doesn't have any more information regading your problem, he happens to be the only person here today who can process a refund. Would you like me to transfer you to Eugene?

SC: ...

Me: ...

SC: ...

Me: Sir?

SC: Yes?

Me: Would you like me to tranfer you to Eugene?

SC: Sure.

Me: One moment please...

I could tell by the light on my phone that he chewed Eugene's ear off for about ten minutes.

I loved how he thought demanding a refund would make the non-existent solution appear out of my ass. I loved calling that bluff.

So anyway, after hanging up, Eugene stopped my my desk to fill me in a bit.

The guy immediately bitched about having to talk to me.

Then he bitched about spending TWELVE hours on this problem. We really need to get those phones fixed. Apparently our hold button sends customers through a two hour time warp.

As far as previous calls went, Eugene told me the guy is a serial non-listener, impatient, insistent and argumentative. Even if we had a solution, there's no hope it will ever make it from our mouths into his head.

And the problem he was having? Wasn't even our software. One pin on a piece of equipment which we don't make and aren't familiar was off by two microns. Apparently the manufacturer of that equipment wants him to send it in for repair and the guy thinks he can fix it by adjusting the software output by two microns. Now, there's nothing wrong with thinking something might work and calling us to find out. But when we tell you it won't, by Gord, believe it. Harassing us repeatedly isn't going to get you out of fixing your hardware.

Seriously, dude, the sun is not going to rise in the west and no amount of facing east and running real fast is going to make the Earth spin the way you think it should.

[NightWolf]

I love those people that have selective hearing. It's not that you "Don't" want to help them, you just can't. I wish people would sit down for a minute and realize the difference between won't and can't.

[IT Grunt]

And the problem he was having? Wasn't even our software. One pin on a piece of equipment which we don't make and aren't familiar was off by two microns. Apparently the manufacturer of that equipment wants him to send it in for repair and the guy thinks he can fix it by adjusting the software output by two microns. Now, there's nothing wrong with thinking something might work and calling us to find out. But when we tell you it won't, by Gord, believe it. Harassing us repeatedly isn't going to get you out of fixing your hardware.

AAAAAAARGH, I feel your pain! I /hate/ those kind of calls. Hate them, hate them, hate them! I've written a few stand-alone apps used here on site, and I help support the manufacturing system. Inevitably, someone wants to interface a piece of hardware with the existing software, and sometimes it turns out that the hardware is either a) incompatible, b) defective, or c) inadequate for the purpose, or sometimes d) all of the above. It never fails, that the first thing they ask is, "Well can't you modify the software to make it work?" I have yet to figure out where they get the idea that software has some arcane influence over hardware, and that it can magically fix it or make it compatible. Problem is, no matter how many times you tell them that it just simply can't be done, they refuse to believe you.

SOFTWARE_NEED = A
HARDWARE_HAS = B

IF SOFTWARE_NEED <> HARDWARE_HAS THEN
PRINT "YOU'RE SCREWED!"
END IF

[Becks]

NightWolf, what you say makes sense. Therefore it is not allowed.

To a lot of SCs, can't and won't mean the same thing--"We don't care to help you, so go to hell."