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Warning: Long. Ranty. Possible Foul language.
For most people, ordering for delivery is pretty straightforward: You tell us what you want and where you are, then we bring you food (which you can have after you pay for it). For many people, too many really, this is an undertaking frought with perils and traps. "How hard can this be?", you're asking yourself. Well, lets start off small.
You should, like, be home, or something
Like,seriously. (I'm gonna keep saying 'like' on purpose. Just like, my, like, customers, like, do.)
When I said it should be there in about half an hour, your first thought shouldn't be "Hot damn, I should go to Bullseye right now!" or "I'm gonna go chill at my friend's house". When your girlfriend/wife/kids/roommate/whatever says you're not there, I'm just going to tell them to tell you to call us whenever you get home.
Call the wrong store
Generally speaking, we know when you've called the wrong place. Your address is out of our range, or it's a street we've never heard of (or we have heard of it, and it's not in this area of town). You can, however, trip us up by omitting little things. Such as:
1) North, South, East, or West. When you gave your address as 12501 25th St, we just sorta assumed you meant South 25th, since everything in this town is south (the demarcation being Main St in BigCitytothenorthofus). No, I'm not driving the 250 blocks from here to there.
2) Which City. Ok, I'll admit, that's my bad. I just assumed that when you said 706 W 36th, you meant the 36th St in this town. It's not an unreasonable assumption, seeing as how you called the store down here. But.. you're in L.A. Downtown. Google maps says that's over 20 miles from here, and a 31 minute drive (and that 31 minutes is only accurate if the freeway is moving at 60mph, which, yeah, ain't happening).
2a) Bonus round: I have no idea where you even got our number, lady, but San Francisco is 400 miles from here.
3) Yeah, your apartment number would help. (Easily cleared up with a phone call. Well, with normal people.)
Get confused by the jargon we use in the industry
We use some fancy words sometimes, so let me define a few for you to avoid future confusion:
Delivery: This is where we bring you your order. One might even go so far as to say we deliver it to you.
Carryout: This is where you come to us, and carry it out. It doesn't mean we "carry it out to you". We call that "delivery".
Hope that clears things up. If not, I can give you Competitors phone number. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help you
Use the internet to order
So, you heard about this new internet thingy, this buncha magical tubes, and thought you'd try it out.
When I get there and you tell me I got your order wrong, I'm gonna have to disagree. If I had taken your order on the phone, it's possible I could have hit the wrong thing somewhere. If one of the dimwits I work with had taken your phone order, it's even more likely. In this case, however, you were the one who did all of the ordering. You were the only person involved, leading me to believe that perhaps you made the error.
Kudos to the guy who went back in the house to grab his printout of the order, then said "See, I ordered... fuck..", and proceeded to apologise and give me a nice tip. I had a laugh with you, and even offered to remake it. Unlike mister "but I only wanted one" who ordered a 2-4-1 deal, then at the door said you only wanted one, but "it wouldn't let me take the other one off the order". I was more than amused when you threw shit fit when I told you that I'd be wliing to give you just one pizza, but the price would still be the same since the second one was free.
Have an aversion to phones
When you order, one of the things we ask for is your phone number. I'm sure that you think we do this purely for shits & giggles, or as part of a plot to send you emails for penis enlargement. The truth is we sometimes need to call you. A few reasons why that may be necessary:
1) I just pulled up to 123 Buttfuck Dr. It's an apartment building (even better: hotel), something you neglected to mention.
2) You're at 123 BFD, apt 2. But the intercom is broken. Or maybe there isn't one. Either way, I can't get in.
3) You work at Defense Contractor. We can't go past the lobby.
4) You're on a boat in the marina. Those homeland security (or whatever they are) guys frown on us hopping the fence. Besides which, I don't know which boat is yours.
5) I'm at your door. Your kids are yelling "Pizza! Pizza! MOMMY, THE PIZZA MAN IS HERE!!!" Yet you still haven't come to the door. After five minutes. Because "You didn't know the pizza was here".
Anyways... We know you have a phone. You called us. I'm now calling you. I've called you a few times in a row, thinking that the ringing may annoy you enough to answer. Apparently not. I am now leaving you a message that I'm here, and need you to call back. Ok, I'm now leaving the message that I've waited long enough and am heading back to the store, and to call us. I look forward to your call about an hour from now, where I will mention the multiple calls and messages.
Recent discovery: After trying the several calls/leave a message route, sending a text gets a response in under 30 seconds. I hate texting though, as it forces me to be polite about it. I said "Did you order pizza?" But that was only to avoid a situation where you come into the store to show my manager one that says "So, do you want this fucking pizza, or not? I don't like being in this ghetto-ass apartment complex after dark."
Pull an address out of your ass
When I was younger, one of the first things you learned was your address. This is so that if you got lost (or something) the police could help you get home. (It was a gentler era, before the invention of autotune.) It appears that this lesson, along with how to pull your pants up, or "don't have three kids before you're 18", was skipped at your house. If you're not sure, ask someone else. I'm sure they'll help. Or at least laugh at you for being a dumbass who doesn't know his own address. I'm good with either one.
Go for a combo
Why do one thing wrong when you could do two?
I've already alluded to not answering your phone when I'm there trying to make the delivery. But let's take it up a notch.
1) Order online. Carryout. Call asking why we haven't delivered it yet.
2) Address doesn't exist. Don't answer your phone.
3) Trifecta: Order online. We know the address is wrong, because a number that high would be 280 blocks into the ocean. Don't answer your phone, or check either of the two messages I left.
I could actually go on, but consider it rude to make your scrollbar shrink down that small.
For most people, ordering for delivery is pretty straightforward: You tell us what you want and where you are, then we bring you food (which you can have after you pay for it). For many people, too many really, this is an undertaking frought with perils and traps. "How hard can this be?", you're asking yourself. Well, lets start off small.
You should, like, be home, or something
Like,seriously. (I'm gonna keep saying 'like' on purpose. Just like, my, like, customers, like, do.)
When I said it should be there in about half an hour, your first thought shouldn't be "Hot damn, I should go to Bullseye right now!" or "I'm gonna go chill at my friend's house". When your girlfriend/wife/kids/roommate/whatever says you're not there, I'm just going to tell them to tell you to call us whenever you get home.
Call the wrong store
Generally speaking, we know when you've called the wrong place. Your address is out of our range, or it's a street we've never heard of (or we have heard of it, and it's not in this area of town). You can, however, trip us up by omitting little things. Such as:
1) North, South, East, or West. When you gave your address as 12501 25th St, we just sorta assumed you meant South 25th, since everything in this town is south (the demarcation being Main St in BigCitytothenorthofus). No, I'm not driving the 250 blocks from here to there.
2) Which City. Ok, I'll admit, that's my bad. I just assumed that when you said 706 W 36th, you meant the 36th St in this town. It's not an unreasonable assumption, seeing as how you called the store down here. But.. you're in L.A. Downtown. Google maps says that's over 20 miles from here, and a 31 minute drive (and that 31 minutes is only accurate if the freeway is moving at 60mph, which, yeah, ain't happening).
2a) Bonus round: I have no idea where you even got our number, lady, but San Francisco is 400 miles from here.
3) Yeah, your apartment number would help. (Easily cleared up with a phone call. Well, with normal people.)
Get confused by the jargon we use in the industry
We use some fancy words sometimes, so let me define a few for you to avoid future confusion:
Delivery: This is where we bring you your order. One might even go so far as to say we deliver it to you.
Carryout: This is where you come to us, and carry it out. It doesn't mean we "carry it out to you". We call that "delivery".
Hope that clears things up. If not, I can give you Competitors phone number. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help you
Use the internet to order
So, you heard about this new internet thingy, this buncha magical tubes, and thought you'd try it out.
When I get there and you tell me I got your order wrong, I'm gonna have to disagree. If I had taken your order on the phone, it's possible I could have hit the wrong thing somewhere. If one of the dimwits I work with had taken your phone order, it's even more likely. In this case, however, you were the one who did all of the ordering. You were the only person involved, leading me to believe that perhaps you made the error.
Kudos to the guy who went back in the house to grab his printout of the order, then said "See, I ordered... fuck..", and proceeded to apologise and give me a nice tip. I had a laugh with you, and even offered to remake it. Unlike mister "but I only wanted one" who ordered a 2-4-1 deal, then at the door said you only wanted one, but "it wouldn't let me take the other one off the order". I was more than amused when you threw shit fit when I told you that I'd be wliing to give you just one pizza, but the price would still be the same since the second one was free.
Have an aversion to phones
When you order, one of the things we ask for is your phone number. I'm sure that you think we do this purely for shits & giggles, or as part of a plot to send you emails for penis enlargement. The truth is we sometimes need to call you. A few reasons why that may be necessary:
1) I just pulled up to 123 Buttfuck Dr. It's an apartment building (even better: hotel), something you neglected to mention.
2) You're at 123 BFD, apt 2. But the intercom is broken. Or maybe there isn't one. Either way, I can't get in.
3) You work at Defense Contractor. We can't go past the lobby.
4) You're on a boat in the marina. Those homeland security (or whatever they are) guys frown on us hopping the fence. Besides which, I don't know which boat is yours.
5) I'm at your door. Your kids are yelling "Pizza! Pizza! MOMMY, THE PIZZA MAN IS HERE!!!" Yet you still haven't come to the door. After five minutes. Because "You didn't know the pizza was here".
Anyways... We know you have a phone. You called us. I'm now calling you. I've called you a few times in a row, thinking that the ringing may annoy you enough to answer. Apparently not. I am now leaving you a message that I'm here, and need you to call back. Ok, I'm now leaving the message that I've waited long enough and am heading back to the store, and to call us. I look forward to your call about an hour from now, where I will mention the multiple calls and messages.
Recent discovery: After trying the several calls/leave a message route, sending a text gets a response in under 30 seconds. I hate texting though, as it forces me to be polite about it. I said "Did you order pizza?" But that was only to avoid a situation where you come into the store to show my manager one that says "So, do you want this fucking pizza, or not? I don't like being in this ghetto-ass apartment complex after dark."
Pull an address out of your ass
When I was younger, one of the first things you learned was your address. This is so that if you got lost (or something) the police could help you get home. (It was a gentler era, before the invention of autotune.) It appears that this lesson, along with how to pull your pants up, or "don't have three kids before you're 18", was skipped at your house. If you're not sure, ask someone else. I'm sure they'll help. Or at least laugh at you for being a dumbass who doesn't know his own address. I'm good with either one.
Go for a combo
Why do one thing wrong when you could do two?
I've already alluded to not answering your phone when I'm there trying to make the delivery. But let's take it up a notch.
1) Order online. Carryout. Call asking why we haven't delivered it yet.
2) Address doesn't exist. Don't answer your phone.
3) Trifecta: Order online. We know the address is wrong, because a number that high would be 280 blocks into the ocean. Don't answer your phone, or check either of the two messages I left.
I could actually go on, but consider it rude to make your scrollbar shrink down that small.
I'll remember your advice, because I just learned my address after being here over a month, and I'm sure I'd forget it while ordering pizza, unless I happen to find one of the sticky notes I have littered around the upstairs with the home address on it. 
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