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I'm Pretty Sure That's Not A Domain
It never ends. >.>
Thinking Of Something Else I See
Me: "And your email address please?"
SC: "<firstname>@hotmail.cum."
I'm not sure which aspect of this unsettles me more. The fact you made that slip up, or the fact you made that slip up while talking to me.
Where Do You Get This Money?
You have officially spent what amounts to my entire rent…..on pants. Not even nice pants either. If you’re going to blow $600+ on pants, at least get nice pants. If I’m going to drop 3 digits on a pair of pants, they better come with inbuilt butt warmers and the ability to grind fresh coffee if I pour the beans down the front of my pants. Which may not be that practical, but would at least be quite impressive at parties.
At the very least they should be shark bite proof like those chainmail diving suits. I’d totally drop over $100 on a pair of pants if they were certified as Shark Proof.
I Hear This Threat More Often Then You'd Think
SC: “Yeah well, I might go to the media with this!"
Gasp! No! Not the media! Anything but that. A story of this magnitude would surely dominate the news cycle for days and irreparably damage the city’s reputation. I can see the headlines now: “Local Man Says Construction is Really Loud”. Move over, Dow Jones, you pale in comparison to the riveting tale of one man that’s kind of annoyed because things make noise. Surely the eyes of the entire world will look upon you. You’ll become a folk hero and a champion for the underprivileged. Millions will rally to your side.
You should get yourself an agent. There’s definitely a book deal in here somewhere.
Why Would I?
Me: "I'm sorry, you've called the wrong number."
SC: "Do you have the right number?"
Me: “No, sorry."
SC: “Well, don’t you have access to the Internet?!”
….I do. However, you are wrongfully assuming I will use that vast power on your behalf. While I am an operator, I am not the operator. I cannot provide you with phone listings nor reconnect you to any other number your little heart might desire. In fact, despite what wondrous legends you may have heard of our prowess, my powers are actually quite limited.
Invalid Answers
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Mark.”
Me: “Is that Mark with a C or a K?”
SC: “Yeah!”
That is not a valid response. There were only two valid responses to my question. Both of which I presented to you. You did not have to wander off into the forbidden garden of coherent thought to try and reason out your own answer. It is a dangerous place and you are not yet ready to challenge its impenetrable hedge mazes. You merely needed to gesture at one of the two options I presented. I’m doing my best to make this as easy as possible for you. So that you may successfully navigate the treacherous wilderness that is shopping for pants. Heed my aid, young padawan. For I am your solemn guide to the marvelous world of dressing yourself.
.........
C: "One of our cement trucks...fell into the lake."
Me: "....fell into the lake?"
C: "Yeah."
......Well, good luck with that I guess. Hang in there and what not. I mean, I’m sure fishing several tons of truck and cement out of a lake in the dead of night can’t be that hard. You should be fine. Don’t worry, I’m rootin’ for you.
.............
SC: “Ok, thank you love”
Er….you’re welcome, Mr Brown.
Range of Topics
SC: “Hey……I guess had a question.”
Fire away. If I possess an answer, it shall be yours. Thus is my purpose here.
SC: “It’s my…first time….right? And-”
……Ooookay….Allow me to clarify: If I possess an answer in regards to travel information it shall be yours. All other topics I fear you will have to look elsewhere. In fact I would strongly suggest you begin looking elsewhere as soon as possible before you feel the need to elaborate any further.
Hot Tips
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Hello, Kevin.
SC: “I CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!”
That's highly debtable.
SC: “THIS IS NORTH AMERICA!”
…Yes, yes it is. Congratulations on successfully narrowing down your current position to a single continent.
SC: “CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?!”
I would sincerely prefer that you do not.
SC: “NORTH AMERICA CAN HAVE FREEDOM AND HUMAN RIGHTS!”
While correct, I fail to see what relevance this has.
SC: “I HAVE A BROTHER-DON’T HANG UP!”
I see you’re already use to and prepared for the common reaction you get when using the telephone.
SC: “I HAVE A BROTHER, A BROTHER!”
That’s very nice….so….why shouldn’t I hang up again?
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Yes, you told me that.
Me: "What exactly can I help you with?”
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Is…that the problem? Your name is Kevin and this alarms you? You have Kevinphobia? Well, as tragically ironic as that is, it’s not really something I can assist you with. Perhaps you should look into legally changing your name. In which case you’ll need to contact the government. However, if you are having difficulties selecting a new name to replace Kevin, feel free to call back as I believe I can think of a few appropriate suggestions.
Roll Fizzlebeef? Wank Chutney? Glitterburst Starlover?
So Excited
SC: “Do I have to use my own tax exemption number or can I just use someone else’s?”
I’m pretty sure you actually have to use your own and that using someone else’s probably violates some law somewhere. I would honestly prefer not being an accessory to a crime this evening. That’s a bit above and beyond the level of service I am willing to provide. While I’m not 100% sure, I am fairly confident we don’t have any clients that pay us enough to go to jail on behalf of their customers.
SC: “DER IT IS!”
I trust from your proclamation that your search for your own number has proved fruitful then?
SC: “I found it and I got all excited!”
Yes, I can see that. Most fortunate. Truly, you live a charmed life. You should be thankful for all you have in life. There are millions of people in the world who could only dream that they could be up at 1am, half drunk and ordering tax free pants.
SC: “Cus I didn’t see it in forever.”
How tragic for you. How are you going to celebrate this bittersweet reunion? If I may, I do have a suggestion or two: Perhaps you should use it to order proper grammar? Not from us, mind you. If we sold proper grammar or coherent sentences I wouldn’t have any problems with this line. But alas, the only wears we peddle are pants and hats.
Easy Fix
C: “Where’s something weird on my computer.”
Well, get a broom and shoo it out the door. It’s probably just as afraid of you as you are of it.
Of Course, Your Majesty
Me: "Good evening, <company> tech support, how may I help you?"
SC: “Yeah, I need the Super 8 in Tenessee.”
Fascinating. But why precisely do you think I be able to assist you with this epic quest?
Me: “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yeah, you get me the number for that.”
“You get me the number for that”? Really? You have just been made aware of an error you have made, and your first response is to order a complete stranger to do your bidding? It appears I must apologize, your majesty. You see, I am in Canada, and not in whatever small, possibly entirely fictional nation you are the Emperor of. Therefore I am not subject to your commands.
I’m sure if you were to merely ask an actual citizen from InflatedEgostain they would be happy to assist you.
Ah, wait...wait, my apologies. That was a rather long winded come back. It just occurred to me that there was a vastly more streamlined response that would have saved us both some time: Fuck off.
Me: “You’ve called the wrong number.”
SC: “Well, have you got the right number?”
Hmm, wait a moment. Let me just check and see if….nope, the planets have not suddenly aligned and pork is not currently airborne. So no, I fear I do not have the number to some random motel in Tenessee.
Sooo anyhow, what was I saying again? Oh right! Fuck off.
annnnd rest.
Thinking Of Something Else I See
Me: "And your email address please?"
SC: "<firstname>@hotmail.cum."
I'm not sure which aspect of this unsettles me more. The fact you made that slip up, or the fact you made that slip up while talking to me.
Where Do You Get This Money?
You have officially spent what amounts to my entire rent…..on pants. Not even nice pants either. If you’re going to blow $600+ on pants, at least get nice pants. If I’m going to drop 3 digits on a pair of pants, they better come with inbuilt butt warmers and the ability to grind fresh coffee if I pour the beans down the front of my pants. Which may not be that practical, but would at least be quite impressive at parties.
At the very least they should be shark bite proof like those chainmail diving suits. I’d totally drop over $100 on a pair of pants if they were certified as Shark Proof.
I Hear This Threat More Often Then You'd Think
SC: “Yeah well, I might go to the media with this!"
Gasp! No! Not the media! Anything but that. A story of this magnitude would surely dominate the news cycle for days and irreparably damage the city’s reputation. I can see the headlines now: “Local Man Says Construction is Really Loud”. Move over, Dow Jones, you pale in comparison to the riveting tale of one man that’s kind of annoyed because things make noise. Surely the eyes of the entire world will look upon you. You’ll become a folk hero and a champion for the underprivileged. Millions will rally to your side.
You should get yourself an agent. There’s definitely a book deal in here somewhere.
Why Would I?
Me: "I'm sorry, you've called the wrong number."
SC: "Do you have the right number?"
Me: “No, sorry."
SC: “Well, don’t you have access to the Internet?!”
….I do. However, you are wrongfully assuming I will use that vast power on your behalf. While I am an operator, I am not the operator. I cannot provide you with phone listings nor reconnect you to any other number your little heart might desire. In fact, despite what wondrous legends you may have heard of our prowess, my powers are actually quite limited.
Invalid Answers
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Mark.”
Me: “Is that Mark with a C or a K?”
SC: “Yeah!”
That is not a valid response. There were only two valid responses to my question. Both of which I presented to you. You did not have to wander off into the forbidden garden of coherent thought to try and reason out your own answer. It is a dangerous place and you are not yet ready to challenge its impenetrable hedge mazes. You merely needed to gesture at one of the two options I presented. I’m doing my best to make this as easy as possible for you. So that you may successfully navigate the treacherous wilderness that is shopping for pants. Heed my aid, young padawan. For I am your solemn guide to the marvelous world of dressing yourself.
.........
C: "One of our cement trucks...fell into the lake."
Me: "....fell into the lake?"
C: "Yeah."
......Well, good luck with that I guess. Hang in there and what not. I mean, I’m sure fishing several tons of truck and cement out of a lake in the dead of night can’t be that hard. You should be fine. Don’t worry, I’m rootin’ for you.
.............
SC: “Ok, thank you love”
Er….you’re welcome, Mr Brown.
Range of Topics
SC: “Hey……I guess had a question.”
Fire away. If I possess an answer, it shall be yours. Thus is my purpose here.
SC: “It’s my…first time….right? And-”
……Ooookay….Allow me to clarify: If I possess an answer in regards to travel information it shall be yours. All other topics I fear you will have to look elsewhere. In fact I would strongly suggest you begin looking elsewhere as soon as possible before you feel the need to elaborate any further.
Hot Tips
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Hello, Kevin.
SC: “I CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!”
That's highly debtable.
SC: “THIS IS NORTH AMERICA!”
…Yes, yes it is. Congratulations on successfully narrowing down your current position to a single continent.
SC: “CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?!”
I would sincerely prefer that you do not.
SC: “NORTH AMERICA CAN HAVE FREEDOM AND HUMAN RIGHTS!”
While correct, I fail to see what relevance this has.
SC: “I HAVE A BROTHER-DON’T HANG UP!”
I see you’re already use to and prepared for the common reaction you get when using the telephone.
SC: “I HAVE A BROTHER, A BROTHER!”
That’s very nice….so….why shouldn’t I hang up again?
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Yes, you told me that.
Me: "What exactly can I help you with?”
SC: “MY NAME IS KEVIN!”
Is…that the problem? Your name is Kevin and this alarms you? You have Kevinphobia? Well, as tragically ironic as that is, it’s not really something I can assist you with. Perhaps you should look into legally changing your name. In which case you’ll need to contact the government. However, if you are having difficulties selecting a new name to replace Kevin, feel free to call back as I believe I can think of a few appropriate suggestions.
Roll Fizzlebeef? Wank Chutney? Glitterburst Starlover?
So Excited
SC: “Do I have to use my own tax exemption number or can I just use someone else’s?”
I’m pretty sure you actually have to use your own and that using someone else’s probably violates some law somewhere. I would honestly prefer not being an accessory to a crime this evening. That’s a bit above and beyond the level of service I am willing to provide. While I’m not 100% sure, I am fairly confident we don’t have any clients that pay us enough to go to jail on behalf of their customers.
SC: “DER IT IS!”
I trust from your proclamation that your search for your own number has proved fruitful then?
SC: “I found it and I got all excited!”
Yes, I can see that. Most fortunate. Truly, you live a charmed life. You should be thankful for all you have in life. There are millions of people in the world who could only dream that they could be up at 1am, half drunk and ordering tax free pants.
SC: “Cus I didn’t see it in forever.”
How tragic for you. How are you going to celebrate this bittersweet reunion? If I may, I do have a suggestion or two: Perhaps you should use it to order proper grammar? Not from us, mind you. If we sold proper grammar or coherent sentences I wouldn’t have any problems with this line. But alas, the only wears we peddle are pants and hats.
Easy Fix
C: “Where’s something weird on my computer.”
Well, get a broom and shoo it out the door. It’s probably just as afraid of you as you are of it.
Of Course, Your Majesty
Me: "Good evening, <company> tech support, how may I help you?"
SC: “Yeah, I need the Super 8 in Tenessee.”
Fascinating. But why precisely do you think I be able to assist you with this epic quest?
Me: “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yeah, you get me the number for that.”
“You get me the number for that”? Really? You have just been made aware of an error you have made, and your first response is to order a complete stranger to do your bidding? It appears I must apologize, your majesty. You see, I am in Canada, and not in whatever small, possibly entirely fictional nation you are the Emperor of. Therefore I am not subject to your commands.
I’m sure if you were to merely ask an actual citizen from InflatedEgostain they would be happy to assist you.
Ah, wait...wait, my apologies. That was a rather long winded come back. It just occurred to me that there was a vastly more streamlined response that would have saved us both some time: Fuck off.
Me: “You’ve called the wrong number.”
SC: “Well, have you got the right number?”
Hmm, wait a moment. Let me just check and see if….nope, the planets have not suddenly aligned and pork is not currently airborne. So no, I fear I do not have the number to some random motel in Tenessee.
Sooo anyhow, what was I saying again? Oh right! Fuck off.
annnnd rest.
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