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Wherein We Receive Misplaced Holiday Cheer
Hello, America! It is me, your friendly northern neighbour. ( Yes, that's right, with a U ). If I could just have a quick word for a moment? Great, thanks. See, I know you love your turkey and your pilgrims with their funny hats and what not. But please stop wishing me Happy Thanksgiving. I know you mean well, but strangely enough, American holidays don't actually exist outside of America. -.-
I can forgive you if you thought I was in the States, but the worst offending lines this week have been ones with "Canada", "Canadian" or "International" in the greeting phrase.
<cough> Had to get that off my chest, sorry. Moving along~
Again With This
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s xxx…..then the thing…..then xx”
I believe that puzzling arcane glyph you are referring to is known as a “hyphen”. Though “Dash” is an equally acceptable answer if you are not capable of more than one syllable.
Me: “Alright, I only have that in stock in Red, Orange and Purple.”
SC: “Can I get Blue?”
Me: “I don’t have blue in stock. The only colours I have are Red, Orange or Purplel.”
SC: “Oh. Can I get it in Navy then?”
This shouldn’t be this hard. I am not asking you to write a thesis here. I am not even asking you to answer in the form of a sentence. This is a multiple choice question. You need only direct your mental pencil towards one of three checkboxes to indicate your choice in the matter. Even if said pencil has not been sharpened in some time, you should at least be able to make an ill coordinated smudge on the appropriate box.
You, however, have taken the test, doodled a picture of a penis on the back and are now parading it back and forth on your teacher’s desk going “HIS NAME IS WALLY AND HE LIVES IN MY PANTS. HE LIKES CANDY.”.
Intervention
Hello, Nunavut. It’s me, your friendly neighbourhood CSR. Wait, you come back here Alberta, you need to hear this too. Don’t think you’re innocent. Now, just let me say first of all that we do very much appreciate your business and in no way are we trying to discourage you from calling. But, really, let’s talk about this. I really think the time has come to stage an intervention:
Don’t you think you have enough hats? I mean, sure, hats are awesome. They keep your head warm, they look….cool(?) and if you ever need to pick up and carry a large volume of Doritos you’ve got a bowl ready to go. But, see, you can only wear one hat at a time. Or at least, you’re only suppose to wear one hat at a time. Hats are not additive, contrary to TF2 they do not gain in power and prestige if you stack several on top of each other on your skull. They gain only in absurdity and neck strain.
So, really, maybe it’s time to step back and look at yourself ( If indeed there is enough room left in your house for you to take a step back without falling backwards over a pile of baseball caps. ). You know, just re-examine your priorities. Maybe ease off on the hats just a little bit. Like maybe only ordering 1 or 2 every time you call instead of 5 or 6. You know, start out small. See if you can handle it. Don’t just go all cold turkey all of a sudden. You’ll probably only make it a couple of days before you wake up in a ditch laying on top a pile of strange toques you’ve never seen before. So pace yourself.
You can do this. We know you can.
Roadside Wisdom
There appears to be a panhandler a block from here that is providing crossword puzzle hints in exchange for spare change. At least, I assume that’s what he’s doing. He asked me for change when I walked by, and when I didn’t say anything, he yelled “FOUR ACROSS IS CLEVELAND!” at me. Which would be more helpful if he specified what crossword puzzle in which paper he was referring too. But I guess I need to pay up for that part.
Literal
Me: “And the item number please, ma’am?”
SC: “31.”
31? That seems to be just a tad too short. At least 3 numbers too short. Are you sure you’re reading the right number in the catalog? I’m referring to the little number code by every item in the catalog. Kind of hard to miss. Unless…..wait, did you count every item in the catalog and are tragically misunderstanding the question? Is that the 31st item in the catalog? That’s….kind of impressive. Horribly misguided, but impressive.
Please Don't
Hello, local charity organization! I see you have added a funky and rather elaborate clothing donation bin to my neighbourhood. As I was passing by it, I noticed the warning “UNDER VIDEO SURVEILLANCE” on the bin and the accompanying little camera lens. In which case, while I do not have any clothing to donate, I do hope you will accept the humour of my misfortune in lieu of a donation. Seeing as I was in full view of your camera when I turned my head to read the bin and walked straight into a tree.
P.S. Please resist the temptation to upload me to Youtube.
I Think You Misunderstood
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Um, I was wondering if I could have a VISA?
If you could….have a VISA? Like….just….have mine? As if I would just randomly part with it because you asked nicely? Sure! Why not. I mean, it’s not like you could do irreparable financial harm to me if I handed over my credit card. Although, I’m assuming you would immediately then ask me to place an order using my own card 10 seconds later.
Me: “I think you may have the wrong number, ma’am”
SC: “But on the back of the catalog it says Now Accepting Prepaid VISA Cards.”
Yes…..yes it does….which is why I’m struggling to understand how you read that and walked away with “If I call them they’ll give me a VISA card”. As that sentence would indicate we accept VISA as a form of payment. Not that we accept requests for VISA cards. As that would be an entirely different sentence from the one you just professed to reading. But, I am nothing if not helpful. So let me see if I can offer something for you here. If only a few pieces of advice.
Seeing as you insist on trying to transverse the waters of telecommunication whilst clinging to a piece of debris and hoping the current takes you towards land, perhaps I can be of some help. Allow me to teach you a simple, easy to remember phrase for your future endeavours. Something you can use at the start of every conversation that will immediately allow any CSR in the world to tailor their services specifically for you and your consumer needs. Ready? Alright, here we go. Repeat after me:
“I have the reading comprehension of toast.”
Ha Ha
SC: “So you’ll let me known when I win?”
Of course, sir! Though in exchange, we do ask that you contact us immediately if you come across any originality.
I Hate People That Do This
( This happens all the time, drives me nuts. )
SC: “I'm calling from Sakah Boutique”
Me: “From what store, sorry?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “I still didn’t understand, sorry. Could you spell it for me, please?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “Can you spell the name of the store, please?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell it please, sir?”
SC: “Sakah”
Contrary to the popular belief of half of North America, you cannot learn the spelling of a word through osmosis. You’re going to have to work with me a bit here.
Nemesis
Ah ha! I see that you, as a fellow CSR, have the same protocols as we do, and thus are attempting to out friendly me over the course of the conversation. But whether you be brother in arms or no, I will not be out-sir’d! Which….admittedly leads to somewhat silly conversations where be both circle each other like rabid lions, calling each other sir at the end of every sentence with an increasing level of fake sincerity.
The Realm of Possibilities
Me: “And your name please, sir?”
SC: “Timothy.”
Me: “Can you spell that please?”
SC: “T-I-M-.....R? No, T-I-M-O-S-.....T-I-M....”
Me: “T-I-M-O-T-H-Y?”
SC: “Frank.”
Me: “Sorry, Frank?”
SC: “Douglas.”
Me: “Can you spell that please, sir?”
SC: “D-O.....R.....L?”
Right, maybe you should take a time out and figure out who you actually are before we continue here. Might I suggest checking your wallet and seeing if you have an official documentation as to your identity? It could also assist you in the correct spelling of your own moniker.
Me: “And your postal code, please?”
SC: “R0B 1S4”
Me: “R0B 1S4?”
SC: “L0P 4A0.”
Me: “L0P 4A0?”
SC: “G0C 3C1.”
I see that you speak not in answers, but only in possibilities. While this is all very enlightened of you, it doesn’t actually help you get pants any faster. You may wish to close your mind off to the higher planes of consciousness and come back down to the material world for a few minutes so we can get this over with.
annnnd rest ( Bit of a slow week with you and your silly pilgrim hats. -.- )
I can forgive you if you thought I was in the States, but the worst offending lines this week have been ones with "Canada", "Canadian" or "International" in the greeting phrase.
<cough> Had to get that off my chest, sorry. Moving along~
Again With This
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s xxx…..then the thing…..then xx”
I believe that puzzling arcane glyph you are referring to is known as a “hyphen”. Though “Dash” is an equally acceptable answer if you are not capable of more than one syllable.
Me: “Alright, I only have that in stock in Red, Orange and Purple.”
SC: “Can I get Blue?”
Me: “I don’t have blue in stock. The only colours I have are Red, Orange or Purplel.”
SC: “Oh. Can I get it in Navy then?”
This shouldn’t be this hard. I am not asking you to write a thesis here. I am not even asking you to answer in the form of a sentence. This is a multiple choice question. You need only direct your mental pencil towards one of three checkboxes to indicate your choice in the matter. Even if said pencil has not been sharpened in some time, you should at least be able to make an ill coordinated smudge on the appropriate box.
You, however, have taken the test, doodled a picture of a penis on the back and are now parading it back and forth on your teacher’s desk going “HIS NAME IS WALLY AND HE LIVES IN MY PANTS. HE LIKES CANDY.”.
Intervention
Hello, Nunavut. It’s me, your friendly neighbourhood CSR. Wait, you come back here Alberta, you need to hear this too. Don’t think you’re innocent. Now, just let me say first of all that we do very much appreciate your business and in no way are we trying to discourage you from calling. But, really, let’s talk about this. I really think the time has come to stage an intervention:
Don’t you think you have enough hats? I mean, sure, hats are awesome. They keep your head warm, they look….cool(?) and if you ever need to pick up and carry a large volume of Doritos you’ve got a bowl ready to go. But, see, you can only wear one hat at a time. Or at least, you’re only suppose to wear one hat at a time. Hats are not additive, contrary to TF2 they do not gain in power and prestige if you stack several on top of each other on your skull. They gain only in absurdity and neck strain.
So, really, maybe it’s time to step back and look at yourself ( If indeed there is enough room left in your house for you to take a step back without falling backwards over a pile of baseball caps. ). You know, just re-examine your priorities. Maybe ease off on the hats just a little bit. Like maybe only ordering 1 or 2 every time you call instead of 5 or 6. You know, start out small. See if you can handle it. Don’t just go all cold turkey all of a sudden. You’ll probably only make it a couple of days before you wake up in a ditch laying on top a pile of strange toques you’ve never seen before. So pace yourself.
You can do this. We know you can.
Roadside Wisdom
There appears to be a panhandler a block from here that is providing crossword puzzle hints in exchange for spare change. At least, I assume that’s what he’s doing. He asked me for change when I walked by, and when I didn’t say anything, he yelled “FOUR ACROSS IS CLEVELAND!” at me. Which would be more helpful if he specified what crossword puzzle in which paper he was referring too. But I guess I need to pay up for that part.
Literal
Me: “And the item number please, ma’am?”
SC: “31.”
31? That seems to be just a tad too short. At least 3 numbers too short. Are you sure you’re reading the right number in the catalog? I’m referring to the little number code by every item in the catalog. Kind of hard to miss. Unless…..wait, did you count every item in the catalog and are tragically misunderstanding the question? Is that the 31st item in the catalog? That’s….kind of impressive. Horribly misguided, but impressive.
Please Don't
Hello, local charity organization! I see you have added a funky and rather elaborate clothing donation bin to my neighbourhood. As I was passing by it, I noticed the warning “UNDER VIDEO SURVEILLANCE” on the bin and the accompanying little camera lens. In which case, while I do not have any clothing to donate, I do hope you will accept the humour of my misfortune in lieu of a donation. Seeing as I was in full view of your camera when I turned my head to read the bin and walked straight into a tree.
P.S. Please resist the temptation to upload me to Youtube.
I Think You Misunderstood
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Um, I was wondering if I could have a VISA?
If you could….have a VISA? Like….just….have mine? As if I would just randomly part with it because you asked nicely? Sure! Why not. I mean, it’s not like you could do irreparable financial harm to me if I handed over my credit card. Although, I’m assuming you would immediately then ask me to place an order using my own card 10 seconds later.
Me: “I think you may have the wrong number, ma’am”
SC: “But on the back of the catalog it says Now Accepting Prepaid VISA Cards.”
Yes…..yes it does….which is why I’m struggling to understand how you read that and walked away with “If I call them they’ll give me a VISA card”. As that sentence would indicate we accept VISA as a form of payment. Not that we accept requests for VISA cards. As that would be an entirely different sentence from the one you just professed to reading. But, I am nothing if not helpful. So let me see if I can offer something for you here. If only a few pieces of advice.
Seeing as you insist on trying to transverse the waters of telecommunication whilst clinging to a piece of debris and hoping the current takes you towards land, perhaps I can be of some help. Allow me to teach you a simple, easy to remember phrase for your future endeavours. Something you can use at the start of every conversation that will immediately allow any CSR in the world to tailor their services specifically for you and your consumer needs. Ready? Alright, here we go. Repeat after me:
“I have the reading comprehension of toast.”
Ha Ha
SC: “So you’ll let me known when I win?”
Of course, sir! Though in exchange, we do ask that you contact us immediately if you come across any originality.
I Hate People That Do This
( This happens all the time, drives me nuts. )
SC: “I'm calling from Sakah Boutique”
Me: “From what store, sorry?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “I still didn’t understand, sorry. Could you spell it for me, please?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “Can you spell the name of the store, please?”
SC: “Sakah.”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell it please, sir?”
SC: “Sakah”
Contrary to the popular belief of half of North America, you cannot learn the spelling of a word through osmosis. You’re going to have to work with me a bit here.
Nemesis
Ah ha! I see that you, as a fellow CSR, have the same protocols as we do, and thus are attempting to out friendly me over the course of the conversation. But whether you be brother in arms or no, I will not be out-sir’d! Which….admittedly leads to somewhat silly conversations where be both circle each other like rabid lions, calling each other sir at the end of every sentence with an increasing level of fake sincerity.
The Realm of Possibilities
Me: “And your name please, sir?”
SC: “Timothy.”
Me: “Can you spell that please?”
SC: “T-I-M-.....R? No, T-I-M-O-S-.....T-I-M....”
Me: “T-I-M-O-T-H-Y?”
SC: “Frank.”
Me: “Sorry, Frank?”
SC: “Douglas.”
Me: “Can you spell that please, sir?”
SC: “D-O.....R.....L?”
Right, maybe you should take a time out and figure out who you actually are before we continue here. Might I suggest checking your wallet and seeing if you have an official documentation as to your identity? It could also assist you in the correct spelling of your own moniker.
Me: “And your postal code, please?”
SC: “R0B 1S4”
Me: “R0B 1S4?”
SC: “L0P 4A0.”
Me: “L0P 4A0?”
SC: “G0C 3C1.”
I see that you speak not in answers, but only in possibilities. While this is all very enlightened of you, it doesn’t actually help you get pants any faster. You may wish to close your mind off to the higher planes of consciousness and come back down to the material world for a few minutes so we can get this over with.
annnnd rest ( Bit of a slow week with you and your silly pilgrim hats. -.- )
This is a personal best! People who call because they WANT a Visa card and idiots who can't even spell their own names!!!
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