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This is an epic. Not a tale, not a sonnet, not a limerick. (Though I think I can pull it off.)
An epic. A sad tale of a deprived woman who came apart at the seams and joined her fellow sucks on the forums of epicness.
Her name is Bonnet.
For starters, this story goes back a few weeks to our first glorious meeting. Bonnet flounced (An epic flounce, complete with flaps and feathers) to the booth in her full glory of cheap jewelery, bad perfume and impeccable sense of Disney princess syndrome. ( Think Cinderella waiting for her prince to come along and whisk her away after trying on some crystal pumps.)
Bonnet is, or should I say was quite the crazy. This daft bint couldn't string two words together without inserting "Like," Constantly hit on me and smoked like a chimney. Her habits could put Bilbo's ring fetish to shame. Oh, and she liked revealing clothing and wore enough makeup to put a mime to shame.
So what caused her to be pasted to this forum like a piece of wall putty that wouldn't stay up? Stay a while and listen.
Tales of Bonnet Part 1:
Our first meeting. She was pleasant. Initially.
Bonnet wanted cigarettes! We don't have the type she wants! Awww. Sad puppy makes a face. She stomps her feet and whines, mutters a bit, then tries seduction.
Now, when a skinny smoke depraved mime in drag tries to show you her moves, the first action my body does is cringe, not soak my tighty whities.
Besides, how is that going to get her what she wants?
"Oh hey, your sultry imitation of a seizing panda has produced the packet of Canadians we mysteriously didn't have a few minutes ago!"
Ew Ew Ew. Ew X 10.
Then she trips over the stroller she brought up to the booth, sending her sprawling. She left quickly after that, red in the face.
Nice piercings by the way. Do you hang towels on those?
Tales of Bonnet part 2:
Now she wants candy. Her craving for Big Turk, euphemism not withstanding has led her to attempt to purchase 10 bars.
10. Ten. Two times 5.
I shiet you not, she grabbed a handful, plonked it on the counter and smiled, eyes blinking in what she hoped would be a knowing gesture if it didn't smear eye boogers all over her lashes, making it look like she sneezed then wiped her eyes with her kerchief.
Ok, lets get her out of my hair quick and easy. Ring, ring, total.
Duuuuwaaaaaah? $12??? Twelve? Two times 6? Expensive?
As she's picking her jaw up off the floor she says she doesn't have that much money! I'm starting to think she was expecting a discount from me due to the fact that she was batting her eye goobers at me, but nonplussed and starting to laugh inwardly at her current appearance I tell her I can knock a few bars off to lessen the price.
She dumps a handful of change on the counter. Total? Um.... You can't buy a dust bunny with this change, much less a bar of coco bean.
"But can't you do something, Handsome?"
*AWOOOOGA!! AWOOOGA!!* WARNING! INTERNAL LIMIT OF GROSS REACHED! PREPARING EVACUATION!
No, I didn't throw up. She tried more seduction to no avail. Even her showing me her piercings again (not involuntarily this time) didn't produce the desired tent impression. I told her to (In much kinder words) to feck off as a public display like that is not so much disturbing as REALLY DISTURBING.
I told security about her and they said they'd keep an eye out.
Tales of Bonnet part 3:
Well, according to security they caught her and gave her a warning for public displays of... well, at any rate she was banned for a while and I didn't see her for a good long bit.
Till she came to me in disguise. She had taken out her lip piercings and changed her hair so security wouldn't recognize her. Of course, the rest of her wardrobe would make a church man blush. Pants so low you could see peach fuzz and she had somehow lost weight, as impossible as that may seem.
So what did I do? Call security!
Oooh man did she put up a fit. She screamed bloody murder, saying that she wasn't the person they said she was, that they were all *Expletive expletive* and that I was betraying her, etc etc etc.
Then Bonnet boots a security guard in the nuts.
My schadenfreude was gooing its ninja turtle thong at this point. They tossed her to the ground, cuffed her and frog-marched her to security where they kept her till the police escorted her out.
She was apparently served with trespassing and assault and forever banned. Truth be told I've seen her a few times after that but she either hasn't noticed me or ignored me.
To my thankful delight.
That last story was about a month ago. She's been pretty quiet lately and I send warning flags to security every time I see her. If something happens I'll let you folks know, but for now enjoy Bonnet and her ridiculousness.
Aaaand rest.
An epic. A sad tale of a deprived woman who came apart at the seams and joined her fellow sucks on the forums of epicness.
Her name is Bonnet.
For starters, this story goes back a few weeks to our first glorious meeting. Bonnet flounced (An epic flounce, complete with flaps and feathers) to the booth in her full glory of cheap jewelery, bad perfume and impeccable sense of Disney princess syndrome. ( Think Cinderella waiting for her prince to come along and whisk her away after trying on some crystal pumps.)
Bonnet is, or should I say was quite the crazy. This daft bint couldn't string two words together without inserting "Like," Constantly hit on me and smoked like a chimney. Her habits could put Bilbo's ring fetish to shame. Oh, and she liked revealing clothing and wore enough makeup to put a mime to shame.
So what caused her to be pasted to this forum like a piece of wall putty that wouldn't stay up? Stay a while and listen.
Tales of Bonnet Part 1:
Our first meeting. She was pleasant. Initially.
Bonnet wanted cigarettes! We don't have the type she wants! Awww. Sad puppy makes a face. She stomps her feet and whines, mutters a bit, then tries seduction.
Now, when a skinny smoke depraved mime in drag tries to show you her moves, the first action my body does is cringe, not soak my tighty whities.
Besides, how is that going to get her what she wants?
"Oh hey, your sultry imitation of a seizing panda has produced the packet of Canadians we mysteriously didn't have a few minutes ago!"
Ew Ew Ew. Ew X 10.
Then she trips over the stroller she brought up to the booth, sending her sprawling. She left quickly after that, red in the face.
Nice piercings by the way. Do you hang towels on those?
Tales of Bonnet part 2:
Now she wants candy. Her craving for Big Turk, euphemism not withstanding has led her to attempt to purchase 10 bars.
10. Ten. Two times 5.
I shiet you not, she grabbed a handful, plonked it on the counter and smiled, eyes blinking in what she hoped would be a knowing gesture if it didn't smear eye boogers all over her lashes, making it look like she sneezed then wiped her eyes with her kerchief.
Ok, lets get her out of my hair quick and easy. Ring, ring, total.
Duuuuwaaaaaah? $12??? Twelve? Two times 6? Expensive?
As she's picking her jaw up off the floor she says she doesn't have that much money! I'm starting to think she was expecting a discount from me due to the fact that she was batting her eye goobers at me, but nonplussed and starting to laugh inwardly at her current appearance I tell her I can knock a few bars off to lessen the price.
She dumps a handful of change on the counter. Total? Um.... You can't buy a dust bunny with this change, much less a bar of coco bean.
"But can't you do something, Handsome?"
*AWOOOOGA!! AWOOOGA!!* WARNING! INTERNAL LIMIT OF GROSS REACHED! PREPARING EVACUATION!
No, I didn't throw up. She tried more seduction to no avail. Even her showing me her piercings again (not involuntarily this time) didn't produce the desired tent impression. I told her to (In much kinder words) to feck off as a public display like that is not so much disturbing as REALLY DISTURBING.
I told security about her and they said they'd keep an eye out.
Tales of Bonnet part 3:
Well, according to security they caught her and gave her a warning for public displays of... well, at any rate she was banned for a while and I didn't see her for a good long bit.
Till she came to me in disguise. She had taken out her lip piercings and changed her hair so security wouldn't recognize her. Of course, the rest of her wardrobe would make a church man blush. Pants so low you could see peach fuzz and she had somehow lost weight, as impossible as that may seem.
So what did I do? Call security!
Oooh man did she put up a fit. She screamed bloody murder, saying that she wasn't the person they said she was, that they were all *Expletive expletive* and that I was betraying her, etc etc etc.
Then Bonnet boots a security guard in the nuts.
My schadenfreude was gooing its ninja turtle thong at this point. They tossed her to the ground, cuffed her and frog-marched her to security where they kept her till the police escorted her out.
She was apparently served with trespassing and assault and forever banned. Truth be told I've seen her a few times after that but she either hasn't noticed me or ignored me.
To my thankful delight.
That last story was about a month ago. She's been pretty quiet lately and I send warning flags to security every time I see her. If something happens I'll let you folks know, but for now enjoy Bonnet and her ridiculousness.
Aaaand rest.
Oh, and Irving ...thanks for the nightmares ...
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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