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Is today some kind of holiday? I'm halfway through my day right now (sitting here in the break room chewing on lunch) and I swear customers have gone totally bonkers today. After a couple of calls I started taking notes. Here are the gems so far:
Me = Poor, innocent Customer Service rep
SW = Stupid Woman
SM = Stupid Man
Vague
ME: Is there any particular reason you want to cancel?
SW: Yes.
*Awkward silence*
ME: I'm sorry, was there any reason you wanted to cancel today?
SW: I want to cancel.
Brain buster
ME: If I could just have your first and last name please?
SM: Uh... Hmm...
(Remember, you still have 3 lifelines)
SM: Uh, John.
ME: And your last name?
SM: Uh....
(Don't strain anything)
...
SW: I probably don't even need to tell you this, but-
(Wait, take your own advice!)
SW: I went online to make a payment and I got into my account and I made a payment but not the whole thing just the past due and so I went to pay it and I clicked on Credit Card Payment and put in the amount and I put my card number in and I clicked it and...you know what? I probably don't even need to tell you that part!
ME (*standing on my chair slipping the noose around my neck): Oh, that's fine! Go on!
No Wammies, no wammies, STOP!
ME: If I could just have your first and last name please?
SM: Uh...my first and last name?
(It's not John, is it?)
"Good" Customer
SM: If I reactivate my line, I should get a better price on the phone. I'm a good customer.
(Okay, you canceled your account after 1 year to go to another company because they waved a free phone at you. You're not a good customer. In fact, right now you're an ex-customer!)
Psychic Friends Network
SW: I won't pay the termination fee if I cancel because you voided my contract!
ME: How did we void the contract?
SW: Your automatic payment system didn't take my payment when I got my new card!
ME: Right, your card expired in January. When did you get the new card?
SW: In December!
ME: And you didn't call us until February to update the card info, at which the payment due in January was charged a late fee.
SW: But it should have known I got the new card!
(And how, exactly, should it have known this? A little background, the system sent her a text message 2 days before the due date letting her know the payment didn't go through due to the expired card. She called 3 weeks later. And the late fee she was fighting me over was $.90)
There are no stupid questions...
ME: So to review, we've changed to XX plan and that will begin on March X. You're all set! I'd like to thank you so much for choosing (My Employer), have a great day!
SW: So... is that it? Do I hang up now?
(Please don't. Your voice sounds hot. What's your sign?)
Thanks for playing
SW: Is there is a new phone it is what I can get?
ME (I'm a small town girl, let me consult my "street" thesaurus): Is there any specific phone or style of phone you'd be interested in?
SW: No.
ME: Well, there's this one...
SW: No, I don't like it.
ME: This one...
SW: No, I don't like it either.
ME: This one...?
SW: No, I don't like that. I'm not trying to get nothing like what I already got. Why don't I just go look in the store?
(Yes, why don't you?)
And here it is, the grand champion of the day. I still have 4 hours left, but I don't think anyone's going to top this lady. We're not just showing her how to get to Sesame Street, she needs a GPS and probably a police escort.
Ow, my brain
ME: It looks like you had a little overage last month. Were you aware you were going over your minutes?
SW: Ok, yeah, can you do that for me?
(Hi. Welcome to a "conversation." Try not to get lost)
Next I went over her entire bill, explaining all the charges, including the usage charges for the minutes that went over so she could see how much money she could save on the next highest plan.
SW: Okay, I'll talk it over with my husband and get back to you. Now, can you tell me why I was charged $XX.XX in "usage charges" on my bill?
(Words are hard sometimes. If you were here with me now I could draw a picture for you).
SW: Oh, I also want to set a password for my account.
ME: Ok, the password can be anything you want. We'll need it whenever anyone calls in to access your account, even you.
SW: *gives me the password she wants to use*
ME: Okay, that's (password). You may want to write that down, just in case (cause thinking is hard too sometimes).
SW: Oh wait, let me check that again in case I'm wrong.
(How can you be wrong? YOU created it)
SW: I also want to change my online password.
ME: Ok, log into your account with your current online password.
SW: Ok.
ME: *advised her every step of the way, making sure she didn't wander off and understood everything.* Did that work for you?
SW: Oh, I'm not online right now.
(I'm sorry, that one was my fault. I shouldn't have presumed you would be, based on the enlightening "conversation" we've been enjoying thus far)
Can't wait to see what happens for the rest of the day
Me = Poor, innocent Customer Service rep
SW = Stupid Woman
SM = Stupid Man
Vague
ME: Is there any particular reason you want to cancel?
SW: Yes.
*Awkward silence*
ME: I'm sorry, was there any reason you wanted to cancel today?
SW: I want to cancel.
Brain buster
ME: If I could just have your first and last name please?
SM: Uh... Hmm...
(Remember, you still have 3 lifelines)
SM: Uh, John.
ME: And your last name?
SM: Uh....
(Don't strain anything)
...
SW: I probably don't even need to tell you this, but-
(Wait, take your own advice!)
SW: I went online to make a payment and I got into my account and I made a payment but not the whole thing just the past due and so I went to pay it and I clicked on Credit Card Payment and put in the amount and I put my card number in and I clicked it and...you know what? I probably don't even need to tell you that part!
ME (*standing on my chair slipping the noose around my neck): Oh, that's fine! Go on!
No Wammies, no wammies, STOP!
ME: If I could just have your first and last name please?
SM: Uh...my first and last name?
(It's not John, is it?)
"Good" Customer
SM: If I reactivate my line, I should get a better price on the phone. I'm a good customer.
(Okay, you canceled your account after 1 year to go to another company because they waved a free phone at you. You're not a good customer. In fact, right now you're an ex-customer!)
Psychic Friends Network
SW: I won't pay the termination fee if I cancel because you voided my contract!
ME: How did we void the contract?
SW: Your automatic payment system didn't take my payment when I got my new card!
ME: Right, your card expired in January. When did you get the new card?
SW: In December!
ME: And you didn't call us until February to update the card info, at which the payment due in January was charged a late fee.
SW: But it should have known I got the new card!
(And how, exactly, should it have known this? A little background, the system sent her a text message 2 days before the due date letting her know the payment didn't go through due to the expired card. She called 3 weeks later. And the late fee she was fighting me over was $.90)
There are no stupid questions...
ME: So to review, we've changed to XX plan and that will begin on March X. You're all set! I'd like to thank you so much for choosing (My Employer), have a great day!
SW: So... is that it? Do I hang up now?
(Please don't. Your voice sounds hot. What's your sign?)
Thanks for playing
SW: Is there is a new phone it is what I can get?
ME (I'm a small town girl, let me consult my "street" thesaurus): Is there any specific phone or style of phone you'd be interested in?
SW: No.
ME: Well, there's this one...
SW: No, I don't like it.
ME: This one...
SW: No, I don't like it either.
ME: This one...?
SW: No, I don't like that. I'm not trying to get nothing like what I already got. Why don't I just go look in the store?
(Yes, why don't you?)
And here it is, the grand champion of the day. I still have 4 hours left, but I don't think anyone's going to top this lady. We're not just showing her how to get to Sesame Street, she needs a GPS and probably a police escort.
Ow, my brain
ME: It looks like you had a little overage last month. Were you aware you were going over your minutes?
SW: Ok, yeah, can you do that for me?
(Hi. Welcome to a "conversation." Try not to get lost)
Next I went over her entire bill, explaining all the charges, including the usage charges for the minutes that went over so she could see how much money she could save on the next highest plan.
SW: Okay, I'll talk it over with my husband and get back to you. Now, can you tell me why I was charged $XX.XX in "usage charges" on my bill?
(Words are hard sometimes. If you were here with me now I could draw a picture for you).
SW: Oh, I also want to set a password for my account.
ME: Ok, the password can be anything you want. We'll need it whenever anyone calls in to access your account, even you.
SW: *gives me the password she wants to use*
ME: Okay, that's (password). You may want to write that down, just in case (cause thinking is hard too sometimes).
SW: Oh wait, let me check that again in case I'm wrong.
(How can you be wrong? YOU created it)
SW: I also want to change my online password.
ME: Ok, log into your account with your current online password.
SW: Ok.
ME: *advised her every step of the way, making sure she didn't wander off and understood everything.* Did that work for you?
SW: Oh, I'm not online right now.
(I'm sorry, that one was my fault. I shouldn't have presumed you would be, based on the enlightening "conversation" we've been enjoying thus far)
Can't wait to see what happens for the rest of the day
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