Some fun ones!

[Jester]

A few from the last couple weeks...

And The Giant Penis Award Goes To...

So last Friday night (last week, not this recently passed Friday), I'm recovering from a hellaciously busy shift at The Bar, and at a Sports Bar drinking and eating. At one point, I get a call from Mother Nature, and get off my bar stool to go answer it. Being near the front door, I have to traipse all the way across the Sports Bar to get to the rest rooms. As I get near the back of the Sports Bar, I see a guy in a booth wave me over. Figuring I may know him, or more exactly, he may know me (since I don't recognize him off the bat), I wander over.

JESTER: "Yo, what's up?"
GUY: "Yeah, we've been here a while, and haven't gotten our food, and those people over there came in after us and already have their food. What's up with that?"
JESTER: "I have absolutely no idea. I don't work here. Nice talking to you, though!"

And I head to the bathrooms, laughing my ass off, LOUDLY.

Now, most people would have acted embarrassed, giggled sheepishly, and apologized for the confusion. Not this guy. He just stared at me as if I might still do something to help him out. Despite, you know, not fucking working there.

And I feel the need to point out something else. While The Bar's shirts don't look like Sports Bar's shirts, they are both bar shirts, and I could understand someone not really looking at it and thinking I worked at Sports Bar. One small problem: after work, I had changed out of my The Bar shirt and was wearing a grey t-shirt with giant letters that you could see from a block away that clearly read "ARIZONA STATE." I was not wearing an apron, nor had I had any interaction with any tables or customers until this douchebag called me over.

I found out later when talking to his waitress (a friend of mine who used to work at The Bar with me) that this dude was a giant walking penis, and he had the manager at his table verbally blowing him for over half an hour. Frankly, I was surprised he didn't demand I be fired for my lousy attitude. (And talked to said waitress again today, and found out that Mr. Penis came back the next day, and again required the manager to verbally suck him off for another half hour because he (Mr. Penis) was such a humorless impatient idiotic douche.

The Ninja Thief

Heard this one today from my buddy CB. He and his Navy buddies were in Sloppy Joe's (a landmark bar here in Key West) last night, and he relayed this one to me today at Rum Church.

So at Sloppy Joe's, the band is on a stage facing the crowd, and the crowd generally faces them. The band's tip bucket is on the front of the stage, in plain view of EVERYONE. Well, this one guy kind of hung out by the front of the stage, next to the tip bucket, and CB said he and his friends (and several dozen other people) just watched as he slyly scoped the place out, clearly angling for the tip bucket.

Finally, when he thought no one was paying attention (and when he had at least 3 dozen pairs of eyes on him watching for his next move), this Master Thief grabbed the tip bucket and took off running.

Immediately, people started to converge on him, making his drunken awkward progress very, very slow. Amazingly, he managed to get to one of the side exits. And....that was about it. Because at that point, the security guys, who had watched this whole thing go down, converged on this would-be ninja, and tackled him. And sat on him for about half an hour. Not figuratively. They LITERALLY sat on him, as he was refusing to stop fighting, even after it was clear that he had lost and they (security) had clearly won.

The band got their tip bucket back. Yay.
All the money was still in it. Yay.
The band kept playing. Yay.
The people kept dancing. Yay.
The dude was sat on and didn't go anywhere. Yay.

An ambulance came to treat the guy, because SOMEHOW he MAY have gotten a LITTLE messed up when security tackled him. No one wept for him.

No idea if he got arrested or not. (CB never saw cops come.) But still, what an idiot.

Thank You For Living Up To Our Expectations

This couple comes in. Guy is not wearing a shirt. Manager tells him he needs to put on a shirt. He comes up to the bar, still without a shirt. I also tell him he needs to put on a shirt. He gets an attitude with me, starts bitching about how he is going to, why is everyone rushing him, etc., etc. Basically being an ass about it. Yeah, like it's our fault that we have to deal with health codes and shit. I can tell right away that this is going to be a FUN couple of people.

He shows me a coupon that gets them a free drink sampler with the purchase of two food items. He orders an order of wings. I tell him, and point out to him on the coupon, that to get the sampler for free, he has to order TWO food items. He says that they were in the day before and only got one food item, and it wasn't a problem. Riiiiiiight. Three possibilities: he's full of shit, their server the other day screwed up, or he's full of shit. Eventually I make him realize that they do need to order two food items, so they order two orders of wings.

I get them the sampler, explain it to them, and their wings come out. They start eating them. I ask how they are. They indicate the wings are fine. And, naturally, several minutes (and half the wings eaten) later, they call me over to tell me that the wings are REALLY salty. Uh huh. And you didn't tell me this when I checked on you the first time WHY? Three possibilities: they're full of shit, they hadn't noticed that high level of salt initially, or they're full of shit. In any case, my manager takes half off of their bill, so now they are only paying for one order of wings, but getting two and a drink sampler. Immediately after my manager discounts their bill, they ask for a to go box. For the wings. You know, the wings that are JUST SO SALTY. So, they box up their wings, and I give them their check. They pay exact change, leaving me not a cent in tip.

And no one was surprised. Man, I wish I had to make shit like this up, but these people really exist. I so hope they never come back to my bar, ever, for any reason. Or that a piano falls on them. You know...something nice.

And those were my first customers on that day! Woo hoo! Great way to start the day, huh?

[LillFilly]

I think if they weren't happy with the wings, your manager should have taken them back and THEN given them the discount

[Amina516]

and he relayed this one to me today at Rum Church.

I dont know where this place is but Im an instant convert....

[thehuckster]

I'm really surprised the cops weren't involved in story #2. If they had to call an ambulance to tend to his injuries, surely they should have made a police report in case the guy came back to sue them for "tackling him for no reason"? They've got dozens of witnesses to back the story up.

[Jester]

I can't comment on the police involvement or non-involvement in story #2, as I was not there. However, my friend told me that he didn't see any cops. That doesn't mean they weren't involved, though--we just don't know.

As for Rum Church, some fellow rum afficionados and I meet at a lovely little rum bar on the other end of Duval Street every Sunday at noon to drink rum, talk rum, chit chat, and absorb the genius that is Bahama Bob, who is the Rum Yoda to us Rum Jedis.

[mhkohne]

I can't comment on the police involvement or non-involvement in story #2, as I was not there. However, my friend told me that he didn't see any cops. That doesn't mean they weren't involved, though--we just don't know.

If I were the local PD and I could take care of something like this outside, I definitely would do so (have security drag the moron out to me). There's almost nothing useful that can be accomplished by going inside, but there's always a risk when you mix uniforms and drunks - one moron with a warrant can make havoc for everyone, and there's no need in this situation.

[Jay 2K Winger]

The Failed Thief story made me smile. Seeing idiots get soundly curbstomped sat on by circumstance and great bystanders and then security always brings a smile to my face.

[wolfie]

If I were the local PD and I could take care of something like this outside, I definitely would do so (have security drag the moron out to me). There's almost nothing useful that can be accomplished by going inside, but there's always a risk when you mix uniforms and drunks - one moron with a warrant can make havoc for everyone, and there's no need in this situation.

And it would have to be a MORON with a warrant, since when a cop comes to take away someone being held by security for trying to steal a tip bucket, a guy with an outstanding warrant (unless he does something to attract their attention) looks like any other guy drinking beer and listening to the band. If guy with a warrant reacts badly when the cops show up for someone else, all he's doing is attracting their attention, while the OTHER guy with a warrant who merely takes another sip of his beer and applauds when the band finishes a song slips "under the radar".

Incidents from a couple of TV cop shows spring to mind:

Enos (spinoff of Dukes of Hazzard) - Enos sees a car go by with its rear plate hanging from one bolt. Hits the lights and siren, intending to give them a friendly reminder to get it fixed before it falls off. Car takes off. End result: counterfeit ring that the driver was part of gets busted.

Hunter: Gang robs a gun store, killing the owner. As they're making their getaway, cops are coming from the opposite direction with lights and sirens on. Getaway van pulls over to the right and stops until the cops have gone past. Result: Cops responding to the robbery call class the van as "just another motorist" and ignore it.

[MoonCat]

Jester, that first guy stopped you because you were moving with the utter authority and self-confidence that a bartender usually displays, don'tcha know?

I can understand being annoyed that someone else got their food first, but it sounds like he was a total jerk. Too bad the manager didn't tell him to hit the bricks.

[Jester]

If I were the local PD and I could take care of something like this outside, I definitely would do so (have security drag the moron out to me). There's almost nothing useful that can be accomplished by going inside, but there's always a risk when you mix uniforms and drunks - one moron with a warrant can make havoc for everyone, and there's no need in this situation.

Yes, but security had him outside. They stopped him at the door, and were basically sitting on him on the sidewalk, as he continued to attempt to fight them for a good 30 minutes. So PD would not have had to enter the bar at all, other than to possibly take witness statements.

I can understand being annoyed that someone else got their food first, but it sounds like he was a total jerk.

Oh, I can understand it too, but the dude was a grade A douchepotamus.

[sylvier]

We had a customer much like the one in your #3 story. She hated her cake, phoned up screaming and hollering, my boss told her that if she brought back the leftovers, he would give her a partial refund. She came marching in with about half a cake, yelled some more, got a full refund and marched back out with the cake of course.