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...annnnd the rest of the week:
3:47am..
SC: "Yeah, what time do you close?"
30 seconds before you called. Now get the hell off my lawn.
Unnessacary Information
When I say "No, sorry, I can't help you." it doesn't mean "Please feel free to spend the next 3-4 minutes explaining every nuisance of the situation and as much of your life story as you can possibly cram in without passing out from lack of oxygen.".
Geography
SC: "Yeah this is the co-op in Nanaimo, store xxx"
Me: "Nanaimo Coop?"
SC: "No, Victoria Coop"
Me: "Victoria Coop?"
SC: "No, Nanaimo.
Look, time out. Put the phone down, step back, find your pants, put them on, then go outside and see if you can figure out where the hell it is you are. Find a street sign and then Google the street name if you have too. Or ask the nearest trucker/drug dealer/hooker. They're good with city streets. In fact if you can find a drug dealing woman in a black one piece with clear heels, a purse and a gold glitter scarf who use to be a man then bingo. There's a, er, gal that knows what street she's on. Ask her. Don't give her any money though if she asks. You don't know what you'll get in return but it'll probably require long term treatment.
Once you're finished out there, come back and let me know. Then we'll move on.
Tremble Before Me
Me: "Alright, you should receive it in the mail in the next couple of days"
SC: "Ok, are you going to mail it out to me?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "How long will it take?"
Me: "…a couple of days."
Apparently I just traveled through time itself to the future and answered his question before he even asked it. Of course I only leapt ahead 15 seconds….but still! Doubt not my power!
Impulses
SC: "Oh hi, I just woke up and thought I should get some tickets."
You just woke up…at midnight….and that was your first impulse? Lottery tickets? Most people's first impulse is more like "I need a glass of water" or "is it time to go to work yet?" or "Who the hell is that next to me!? Oh dear God.".
Charity Lotteries
Me: "I'm sorry we're sold out of 3 packs of lottery tickets we only hav-"
SC: "Oh, well, I'll guess you'll just have to do without my support this year!"
Yes, I'm sure your $100 will end up being the last bit of cash that would have saved the hospital from total financial ruin. The two chairs in the waiting room it could have purchased will truly be the downfall of the entire medical system in the province. Surely thousands will suffer and die because of our failure to meet your childish whining. Happy now, Captain Butthole?
Copy That
Caller informed me to "please stand by"…..I'm not sure what the proper response is. Ten-four? Roger wilco? Sure thing, asshat? I'm positive its one of those three.
What Happens in Vegas
SC: "What was the name of it?"
Me" "The Boeing Field-"
SC: "B-o-i-n-g?"
Me: "….no, Boeing."
No, I'm not sending you to the Boing Field. Sorry to have gotten your hopes up. If you were in Las Vegas perhaps I could send you to a Boing Field. At least they're legal there.
(Sob)
Me: "M as in Mary, D as in David, V as in Victor."
SC: "B as in Bandit?"
Me: "No, D. As in David."
SC: "Ok, so its MBV-"
Me: "No, MDV, D as in David. Not B."
SC: "Alright, so MDBV-"
Me: "No, there's no B. D. D as in David."
Jesus Christ man, just let it go! There's no B! There never was a B and never will be a B. I don't know what B did to you when she left you but you've got to get over it and move on with your life.
Accuracy
"Local 510??(Last 2 digits were muffled)"
"I'm sorry, 510 what?"
"Yep!"
Right, long as we're in agreement..….not like I need accurate information or anything. In fact let me just randomly slam the keyboard with my face to fill out the rest of your information.
For the Children
SC: "My car's stuck in the parkade! There were no signs saying what time it closed! I have to get home, I have children at home!"
Let's see its…..2:18am. So you have unattended children at home but this didn't strike you as a concern till 2:18am? So the gist of your argument is "I'm a terrible parent and its your fault?". Your logic intrigues and amuses me, do go on.
Is there anything other personal responsibilities you'd like to lay at my feet? Perhaps I'm responsible for raising your children as well? I had no idea. By all means, this must truly be my fault. Feel free to drop them off at the office here whenever convenient and we'll raise them for you. In fact I bet I can forge them into fine operators who can truly relate to and understand callers such as yourself. Since they'd be around the same maturity level.
Spare Change
SC: "I've been trynna get ma $2.50 refund since January 25th!"
….and this is important at 2:30am? I think your priorities are somewhat….skewed. The only people worried about $2 at 2:30am on a Friday night are hovering outside 7/11 right now with a McDonald's cup full of change, shuffling around desperately trying to protect their feet from the pavement goblins.
In Style
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the <hotel> for $50 after discount"
SC: "What star rating is that?"
Me: "I don't know, sorry."
SC: "Does it have a pool?"
Me: "I would have no idea."
SC: "Well I've got $500 to blow on a hotel so I'm not going to go to one if I can't relax in style."
You can afford $500 for a hotel room and you're calling the emergency line for a discounted rate? Don't take this the wrong way but I hope you get mugged by a fat man with greasy fingers and an overzealous sense of exploration when he's searching you for your wallet.
Vague....
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "….I think so…."
How delightfully ambiguous. Perhaps you should take a time out, sit down, have a Dr Pepper and think about it for a while. In fact, draw a diagram if you have too (Surely you have some crayons on hand?). If you're really nice perhaps nearby airport staff can assist you by pantomiming various mundane actions such as walking, dialing, sleeping, scratching your ass and breathing then you can just pick the one that looks the most like what you were attempting to accomplish.
You know I'm always fearful one day I'll get a post on this board that'll be like "What a second, that sounded familiar....HEY I KNOW YOU!". If any of you have ever been stranded because of a canceled flight in the middle of the night it may have already happened. ><
3:47am..
SC: "Yeah, what time do you close?"
30 seconds before you called. Now get the hell off my lawn.
Unnessacary Information
When I say "No, sorry, I can't help you." it doesn't mean "Please feel free to spend the next 3-4 minutes explaining every nuisance of the situation and as much of your life story as you can possibly cram in without passing out from lack of oxygen.".
Geography
SC: "Yeah this is the co-op in Nanaimo, store xxx"
Me: "Nanaimo Coop?"
SC: "No, Victoria Coop"
Me: "Victoria Coop?"
SC: "No, Nanaimo.
Look, time out. Put the phone down, step back, find your pants, put them on, then go outside and see if you can figure out where the hell it is you are. Find a street sign and then Google the street name if you have too. Or ask the nearest trucker/drug dealer/hooker. They're good with city streets. In fact if you can find a drug dealing woman in a black one piece with clear heels, a purse and a gold glitter scarf who use to be a man then bingo. There's a, er, gal that knows what street she's on. Ask her. Don't give her any money though if she asks. You don't know what you'll get in return but it'll probably require long term treatment.
Once you're finished out there, come back and let me know. Then we'll move on.
Tremble Before Me
Me: "Alright, you should receive it in the mail in the next couple of days"
SC: "Ok, are you going to mail it out to me?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "How long will it take?"
Me: "…a couple of days."
Apparently I just traveled through time itself to the future and answered his question before he even asked it. Of course I only leapt ahead 15 seconds….but still! Doubt not my power!
Impulses
SC: "Oh hi, I just woke up and thought I should get some tickets."
You just woke up…at midnight….and that was your first impulse? Lottery tickets? Most people's first impulse is more like "I need a glass of water" or "is it time to go to work yet?" or "Who the hell is that next to me!? Oh dear God.".
Charity Lotteries
Me: "I'm sorry we're sold out of 3 packs of lottery tickets we only hav-"
SC: "Oh, well, I'll guess you'll just have to do without my support this year!"
Yes, I'm sure your $100 will end up being the last bit of cash that would have saved the hospital from total financial ruin. The two chairs in the waiting room it could have purchased will truly be the downfall of the entire medical system in the province. Surely thousands will suffer and die because of our failure to meet your childish whining. Happy now, Captain Butthole?
Copy That
Caller informed me to "please stand by"…..I'm not sure what the proper response is. Ten-four? Roger wilco? Sure thing, asshat? I'm positive its one of those three.
What Happens in Vegas
SC: "What was the name of it?"
Me" "The Boeing Field-"
SC: "B-o-i-n-g?"
Me: "….no, Boeing."
No, I'm not sending you to the Boing Field. Sorry to have gotten your hopes up. If you were in Las Vegas perhaps I could send you to a Boing Field. At least they're legal there.
(Sob)
Me: "M as in Mary, D as in David, V as in Victor."
SC: "B as in Bandit?"
Me: "No, D. As in David."
SC: "Ok, so its MBV-"
Me: "No, MDV, D as in David. Not B."
SC: "Alright, so MDBV-"
Me: "No, there's no B. D. D as in David."
Jesus Christ man, just let it go! There's no B! There never was a B and never will be a B. I don't know what B did to you when she left you but you've got to get over it and move on with your life.
Accuracy
"Local 510??(Last 2 digits were muffled)"
"I'm sorry, 510 what?"
"Yep!"
Right, long as we're in agreement..….not like I need accurate information or anything. In fact let me just randomly slam the keyboard with my face to fill out the rest of your information.
For the Children
SC: "My car's stuck in the parkade! There were no signs saying what time it closed! I have to get home, I have children at home!"
Let's see its…..2:18am. So you have unattended children at home but this didn't strike you as a concern till 2:18am? So the gist of your argument is "I'm a terrible parent and its your fault?". Your logic intrigues and amuses me, do go on.
Is there anything other personal responsibilities you'd like to lay at my feet? Perhaps I'm responsible for raising your children as well? I had no idea. By all means, this must truly be my fault. Feel free to drop them off at the office here whenever convenient and we'll raise them for you. In fact I bet I can forge them into fine operators who can truly relate to and understand callers such as yourself. Since they'd be around the same maturity level.
Spare Change
SC: "I've been trynna get ma $2.50 refund since January 25th!"
….and this is important at 2:30am? I think your priorities are somewhat….skewed. The only people worried about $2 at 2:30am on a Friday night are hovering outside 7/11 right now with a McDonald's cup full of change, shuffling around desperately trying to protect their feet from the pavement goblins.
In Style
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the <hotel> for $50 after discount"
SC: "What star rating is that?"
Me: "I don't know, sorry."
SC: "Does it have a pool?"
Me: "I would have no idea."
SC: "Well I've got $500 to blow on a hotel so I'm not going to go to one if I can't relax in style."
You can afford $500 for a hotel room and you're calling the emergency line for a discounted rate? Don't take this the wrong way but I hope you get mugged by a fat man with greasy fingers and an overzealous sense of exploration when he's searching you for your wallet.
Vague....
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "….I think so…."
How delightfully ambiguous. Perhaps you should take a time out, sit down, have a Dr Pepper and think about it for a while. In fact, draw a diagram if you have too (Surely you have some crayons on hand?). If you're really nice perhaps nearby airport staff can assist you by pantomiming various mundane actions such as walking, dialing, sleeping, scratching your ass and breathing then you can just pick the one that looks the most like what you were attempting to accomplish.
You know I'm always fearful one day I'll get a post on this board that'll be like "What a second, that sounded familiar....HEY I KNOW YOU!". If any of you have ever been stranded because of a canceled flight in the middle of the night it may have already happened. ><
i love your analogies!!
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