What you say; what they hear

[Kitten in the box]

Here is some of mines

1) what you say:

We do not have any backstock of that product at the moment

what they hear:

We have TONS of the product

2) what you say:

The product you requested is on the bottom of a huge pallet so its going to take a while to dig it out

what they hear:

Let me change into Superman/girl so I can lift the tons of product to get your item...it will take 1/10 of a second

3) what you say

I am sorry I do not speak said foreign language

what they hear

I am fluent in over 50 foreign language dialects

4) what you say

We open at such and such time sir/mis

what they hear

We are open for business

[DisgruntledBadger]

We've gotten some really entertaining ones in the clinic portion of the massage therapist school I attend.
When taking their appointments..
I say, "Please be sure to arrive at least fifteen minutes early for your appointment so you have time to fill out paperwork. If you are running late, we cannot allow you to skip the paperwork. The time it takes you to complete the paperwork will be deducted from the amount of time booked for your massage if necessary."
They hear, "If your appointment is at 2 PM, show up at 2:15. This way, you get the added fun of screaming at us students about policies we have no control over. No. Really. Please do it. We love that."

We say, "To eliminate any discrimination issues, student therapists are assigned on a rotating system."
They hear, "We're going to use our magical mind rays to figure out which of our student therapists you're going to be most uncomfortable with and then assign them to you because we hate you."

We say, "Please be aware that asking the student therapists any personal questions or making any remarks of a sexual nature are thoroughly inappropriate and will result in you being removed from the clinic."
They hear, "Please quiz student therapists on every aspect of their lives. Ask them really intrusive, rude questions. Tell them all about your recent bedroom conquests, then ask if they want to be added to the list. We think it's just dandy when you do this. Oh, don't worry. It's not as if the students are actual people."

Thankfully, the vast majority of the clients who come through the school clinic are absolutely lovely people, and I learn something new from each and every one of them. Then we get the nutjobs...