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It's been a crazy weekend. Aside from all the usual psychotic customers screeching in my ear, we had a massive outage today and had something like 900 calls holding across the board. I think I earned my vacation today alone, but here are some highlights from today:
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: Overstressed CSR-type girl
Mr. Reluctant
ME: You understand that by canceling this line, there will be a termination fee?
SM: But I didn't even want this phone! I was just walking by the booth in the mall and the guy put a phone in my hand! I said no, but he said, "Just take it. Use it."
Wow. A completely random sales rep hands you a phone that just happens to be activated in you name and SSN. It even has your home address, Driver's license #, date of birth, and home phone #. What are the odds?
Wah wah, policy, wah
SW: My husband moved out of the country so you need to cancel his line without charging the termination fee.
ME: But you still reside in the US?
SW: Yes. He's away for his job overseas for 6 months.
ME: We can suspend the line for you, that way you avoid the Termination Fee and he can still have the line when he comes back.
SW: I don't want it! Just cancel it!
ME: We can cancel the line, but the termination fee will still be charged because the account is in your name.
SW: But, he's my husband and he's the one who uses the line!
ME: True, but it's in your name. Both lines are your responsibility.
SW: I can send you a rental agreement for his address he's staying at.
ME: Ok. Is it in your name or his name?
SW: Well, his name, of course.
ME: Then the termination fee would still be applied. You, being the primary account holder, are still residing in the US. The contract is still valid because both lines belong to you and any documentation submitted would have to be in your name to waive the fee.
SW: That's ridiculous! I'll talk to my attorney!
ME: That's fine. In every legal sense, the account and all lines on it are your sole property and responsibility.
SW: I don't like this policy! It sounds so inflexible.
ME: That's because it is inflexible.
Once again, read the fine print before blindly agreeing to a contract.
I don't know what I want, but you're going to hear every word of it
SW: I got a message that a payment had been declined! I want to know why!
ME: I see here there were 2 payments of $XX.XX. One on 03/14 and one on 03/16. One of those payments-
SW: Let me tell you something! I sent a check on 03/02 and I checked my balance on 03/14 and the payment hadn't been received. Someone in your company screwed up! I made the payment by phone on the 14th, then called my bank to stop the check! Why am I getting this message?!
ME: Well, there's a simple explanation-
SW: I don't want an explanation!
ME (then why are we having this conversation?): But...you said you wanted to know why-
SW: That's all I want to know!
ME: Right. And that's what I'm trying to explain to you. It looks like we received your original payment that you mailed, but not until 03/16. Maybe the mail lost it, but since you canceled the check, we had to reverse the payment. That's why you got the message, just to inform you that the payment was returned.
SW: But why would you take the payment if I already made it?
ME: Because the location you mailed the payment to received your check with the remittance slip from your bill, and applied the payment. All they do is process payments. They had no way to know the payment had already been made and that the check was canceled. When we receive a check, we process the payment. The bank takes up to 10 days to approve or decline the payment-
SW: Don' tell me this! I don't care how the system works! I don't even know why this is happening. It hasn't even been 10 days!
ME (math lesson. 03/14 - 03/24 is 10 days): Actually-
SW: I can't stand you people!
ME (no more Ms Nice CSR): Alright, if you don't want to hear the explanation that you asked me for, then what is it you'd like me to do? I'm sorry the post office took so long to send us the check, but that's not our fault, or yours.
SW: I don't know! Look, I'm at work, I don't have time to play your games. *click*
Another 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Oh, and I adjusted the $20 returned check fee that you didn't know about and didn't ask me to do, because it truly wasn't your fault. You're welcome.
Language Barrier
ME: Your service will cancel on the 5th.
Mandarin Translator: *says this to foreign customer*
Customer: Huh?
Translator (to me): Huh?
You know, I don't speak Mandarin (3 years of German in high school, tiny bite-sized pieces of Japanese and Spanish), but I think "Huh?" is pretty universal. And why are you relaying this to me, oh master of language? Shouldn't you just repeat the information to the customer?
Kaboom
SW: I need my husband's phone replaced because the battery exploded.
ME
: The battery...exploded?
SW: Yeah. It blew the phone up too.
ME: Well, that device isn't equipped with a self-destruct mechanism (I was pretty sure he did something really stupid, so I couldn't resist being a smartass). And it certainly doesn't have a know issue with detonating. What was he doing before it exploded?
SW: All he did was plug it in. It's not his fault, it's yours. He could have been killed. You're lucky I don't sue.
ME: And was this in a functioning outlet in your home? Do things normally blow up when you plug them into it?
SW: He didn't do it at home. He's in Europe right now.
ME: Maybe he has a faulty 220 converter?
SW: I don't think he has a whatever converter...
Yeah, you know that commercial where the gnome gets launched across the room when he plugs something into a foreign outlet? Amusing though it may be, that really happens. And that's also not covered by warranty.
A gold star for effort
Authorized Dealer: Yeah, I need to cancel this customer's account.
ME: Is there any reason we need to cancel?
Dealer: I don't know. He just came in and said to cancel it.
ME: Ok. May I speak to the customer? Is he there with you now?
Dealer: Yeah, he's right..... Um... I mean, no. He, uh, left.
ME: Well, I need to speak to the customer before the account can be canceled.
Dealer: Uh... Ok, let me see if I can find him.
Customer: Hello?
ME: Hi, this is Kara with (company). I understand you want to cancel?
Customer: Well, I want to get new phones and the girl here at the store said I need to cancel- *click*
Aw, how cute. The new dirty, rotten, authorized dealer is committing her first act of commission fraud (they're not supposed to cancel existing accounts and activate new ones. They do it anyway, since they get commission for the new activation). Don't worry, she'll get better at it.
Little Customers, Big World
ME: May I have your name please?
Customer: My name is _ Midget.
ME: Your name is...?
Customer: _ Midget.
ME (that's the name on the account too): Thank you, Ms Midget.
I hope I don't get in trouble for not calling her Ms Little Person...
I don't need no stinking technology
SM: Do you have my paperwork there in your hand regarding my contract?
Yeah, sure. It's 2007, I work for a worldwide multi-billion dollar organization, I have millions and millions of accounts, and I manage everything by paper. It'll just take me a couple of months to find your information, would you mind holding for me?
Guess again
SM: The way I see it you guys owe me $700.
ME (this was a loooong call, so I'm skipping to the part where I cut the crap): Really? And how, exactly, do you figure that?
SM: Because I was on a job for several months in an area where I didn't get service. And when I called in about it, you guys said you could suspend my line, but if I did that, it would extend my contract.
ME: Right. Because your contract requires you to have 12 active months of service. If it's suspended for 5 months, then you still need to complete 5 more months of active service.
SM: And when I tried to get out of my contract, you guys said I'd have to fax in proof of address.
ME: Yes, that's right.
SM: Well, I don't appreciate being called a liar. You should just take the customer's word for it, but no, you guys had to be all about "policy."
ME: Honestly, if someone calls me and gives me an address and wants me to void a contract and waive a termination fee, you really expect me to not ask for at least some type of verification?
SM: That's right. You should trust your customers.
ME (
): Well, sadly there are those who aren't as honest as you, and we have to be fair and hold the same policy to all customers.
SM: So anyway, I should get a credit for those months that I didn't have service.
ME: That still isn't $700.
SM: But I had to drive 35 miles up a mountain to get enough signal to make a call. So you owe me for the gas money, too.
ME: The fact is, we provided you with perfectly reasonable options to suspend your service or cancel it entirely without incurring the termination fee. You declined those offers and instead chose a different option. There will not be a credit. Your service will cancel as of the 27th. Thanks for choosing (company) and have a great weekend.
This guy was taking the "The Customer is Always Right" platform, which is a common misconception about customers and their reasoning process.
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: Overstressed CSR-type girl
Mr. Reluctant
ME: You understand that by canceling this line, there will be a termination fee?
SM: But I didn't even want this phone! I was just walking by the booth in the mall and the guy put a phone in my hand! I said no, but he said, "Just take it. Use it."
Wow. A completely random sales rep hands you a phone that just happens to be activated in you name and SSN. It even has your home address, Driver's license #, date of birth, and home phone #. What are the odds?
Wah wah, policy, wah
SW: My husband moved out of the country so you need to cancel his line without charging the termination fee.
ME: But you still reside in the US?
SW: Yes. He's away for his job overseas for 6 months.
ME: We can suspend the line for you, that way you avoid the Termination Fee and he can still have the line when he comes back.
SW: I don't want it! Just cancel it!
ME: We can cancel the line, but the termination fee will still be charged because the account is in your name.
SW: But, he's my husband and he's the one who uses the line!
ME: True, but it's in your name. Both lines are your responsibility.
SW: I can send you a rental agreement for his address he's staying at.
ME: Ok. Is it in your name or his name?
SW: Well, his name, of course.
ME: Then the termination fee would still be applied. You, being the primary account holder, are still residing in the US. The contract is still valid because both lines belong to you and any documentation submitted would have to be in your name to waive the fee.
SW: That's ridiculous! I'll talk to my attorney!
ME: That's fine. In every legal sense, the account and all lines on it are your sole property and responsibility.
SW: I don't like this policy! It sounds so inflexible.
ME: That's because it is inflexible.
Once again, read the fine print before blindly agreeing to a contract.
I don't know what I want, but you're going to hear every word of it
SW: I got a message that a payment had been declined! I want to know why!
ME: I see here there were 2 payments of $XX.XX. One on 03/14 and one on 03/16. One of those payments-
SW: Let me tell you something! I sent a check on 03/02 and I checked my balance on 03/14 and the payment hadn't been received. Someone in your company screwed up! I made the payment by phone on the 14th, then called my bank to stop the check! Why am I getting this message?!
ME: Well, there's a simple explanation-
SW: I don't want an explanation!
ME (then why are we having this conversation?): But...you said you wanted to know why-
SW: That's all I want to know!
ME: Right. And that's what I'm trying to explain to you. It looks like we received your original payment that you mailed, but not until 03/16. Maybe the mail lost it, but since you canceled the check, we had to reverse the payment. That's why you got the message, just to inform you that the payment was returned.
SW: But why would you take the payment if I already made it?
ME: Because the location you mailed the payment to received your check with the remittance slip from your bill, and applied the payment. All they do is process payments. They had no way to know the payment had already been made and that the check was canceled. When we receive a check, we process the payment. The bank takes up to 10 days to approve or decline the payment-
SW: Don' tell me this! I don't care how the system works! I don't even know why this is happening. It hasn't even been 10 days!
ME (math lesson. 03/14 - 03/24 is 10 days): Actually-
SW: I can't stand you people!
ME (no more Ms Nice CSR): Alright, if you don't want to hear the explanation that you asked me for, then what is it you'd like me to do? I'm sorry the post office took so long to send us the check, but that's not our fault, or yours.
SW: I don't know! Look, I'm at work, I don't have time to play your games. *click*
Another 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Oh, and I adjusted the $20 returned check fee that you didn't know about and didn't ask me to do, because it truly wasn't your fault. You're welcome.
Language Barrier
ME: Your service will cancel on the 5th.
Mandarin Translator: *says this to foreign customer*
Customer: Huh?
Translator (to me): Huh?
You know, I don't speak Mandarin (3 years of German in high school, tiny bite-sized pieces of Japanese and Spanish), but I think "Huh?" is pretty universal. And why are you relaying this to me, oh master of language? Shouldn't you just repeat the information to the customer?
Kaboom
SW: I need my husband's phone replaced because the battery exploded.
ME
: The battery...exploded?SW: Yeah. It blew the phone up too.
ME: Well, that device isn't equipped with a self-destruct mechanism (I was pretty sure he did something really stupid, so I couldn't resist being a smartass). And it certainly doesn't have a know issue with detonating. What was he doing before it exploded?
SW: All he did was plug it in. It's not his fault, it's yours. He could have been killed. You're lucky I don't sue.
ME: And was this in a functioning outlet in your home? Do things normally blow up when you plug them into it?
SW: He didn't do it at home. He's in Europe right now.
ME: Maybe he has a faulty 220 converter?
SW: I don't think he has a whatever converter...
Yeah, you know that commercial where the gnome gets launched across the room when he plugs something into a foreign outlet? Amusing though it may be, that really happens. And that's also not covered by warranty.
A gold star for effort
Authorized Dealer: Yeah, I need to cancel this customer's account.
ME: Is there any reason we need to cancel?
Dealer: I don't know. He just came in and said to cancel it.
ME: Ok. May I speak to the customer? Is he there with you now?
Dealer: Yeah, he's right..... Um... I mean, no. He, uh, left.
ME: Well, I need to speak to the customer before the account can be canceled.
Dealer: Uh... Ok, let me see if I can find him.
Customer: Hello?
ME: Hi, this is Kara with (company). I understand you want to cancel?
Customer: Well, I want to get new phones and the girl here at the store said I need to cancel- *click*
Aw, how cute. The new dirty, rotten, authorized dealer is committing her first act of commission fraud (they're not supposed to cancel existing accounts and activate new ones. They do it anyway, since they get commission for the new activation). Don't worry, she'll get better at it.
Little Customers, Big World
ME: May I have your name please?
Customer: My name is _ Midget.
ME: Your name is...?
Customer: _ Midget.
ME (that's the name on the account too): Thank you, Ms Midget.
I hope I don't get in trouble for not calling her Ms Little Person...
I don't need no stinking technology
SM: Do you have my paperwork there in your hand regarding my contract?
Yeah, sure. It's 2007, I work for a worldwide multi-billion dollar organization, I have millions and millions of accounts, and I manage everything by paper. It'll just take me a couple of months to find your information, would you mind holding for me?
Guess again
SM: The way I see it you guys owe me $700.
ME (this was a loooong call, so I'm skipping to the part where I cut the crap): Really? And how, exactly, do you figure that?
SM: Because I was on a job for several months in an area where I didn't get service. And when I called in about it, you guys said you could suspend my line, but if I did that, it would extend my contract.
ME: Right. Because your contract requires you to have 12 active months of service. If it's suspended for 5 months, then you still need to complete 5 more months of active service.
SM: And when I tried to get out of my contract, you guys said I'd have to fax in proof of address.
ME: Yes, that's right.
SM: Well, I don't appreciate being called a liar. You should just take the customer's word for it, but no, you guys had to be all about "policy."
ME: Honestly, if someone calls me and gives me an address and wants me to void a contract and waive a termination fee, you really expect me to not ask for at least some type of verification?
SM: That's right. You should trust your customers.
ME (
): Well, sadly there are those who aren't as honest as you, and we have to be fair and hold the same policy to all customers.SM: So anyway, I should get a credit for those months that I didn't have service.
ME: That still isn't $700.
SM: But I had to drive 35 miles up a mountain to get enough signal to make a call. So you owe me for the gas money, too.
ME: The fact is, we provided you with perfectly reasonable options to suspend your service or cancel it entirely without incurring the termination fee. You declined those offers and instead chose a different option. There will not be a credit. Your service will cancel as of the 27th. Thanks for choosing (company) and have a great weekend.
This guy was taking the "The Customer is Always Right" platform, which is a common misconception about customers and their reasoning process.
Just because it ain't what you're used to doesn't mean it ain't normal.
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