Customer Nicknames

[HawaiianShirts]

"DB. It's Damn Green Peppers Dammit. She's on the phone for you."

DisgruntledBadger's thread got me to thinking about some of my past customers in the various jobs I've held. We often came up with nicknames for the most memorable ones, especially if they were regulars. Here are mine:

Ramblin' Man: This guy does not shut up! He'll talk for hours on end with anyone foolish enough to make eye contact, and he won't give up until you go into some employees-only area for longer than about 20 minutes.

The Wait-a-Minute-Kid: When I worked for a pizza place, this kid called in about once every two weeks, relaying the order to us from his family. Every time we'd ask a question, he'd tell us to "wait a minute" so he could ask someone else there.

Lawyer Guy: The man who let his brother sleep on his laptop computer and expected us to replace it for him because we didn't adequately warn him that computers are not to be used as pillows.

Apu: I know it's stereotyping, but this guy was middle Eastern and had the accent just like the Simpsons character we named him after. He every time he came in, he'd try to talk us into a 50% discount on some computer that was already on sale, then when we wouldn't give it to him, he'd swear he'd never "come to our store again."

Death Wish: Imagine a pizza with double ham, double pepperoni, double sausage, double "smoky bacon" (regular breakfast bacon crumbled), and extra-extra cheese. Some guy ordered that multiple times from where I worked. When it came out of the oven, we literally poured grease off it before putting it into the box and cutting it. We figured he was trying to commit suicide by heart attack.

Nickel-Tip: Every single time this woman ordered pizza, she'd have it delivered and go to extra effort to write out her check for five cents over the total price. She would be certain the driver knew that extra change was his tip.

All the other nicknames I can think of now are too temporary to list here.

But then there are also those few pleasant regulars who become famous among the employees but don't get special nicknames. If the last names Voss or Furness or first name Ruby came through for deliveries, the drivers fought over them. Voss and Furness tipped very well, and Ruby was a nice little old lady who tipped with a handful of coins and a plate of cookies or brownies.

I'd like to hear what nicknames the rest of you have come up with.

[Rapscallion]

Probably the best I came up with was "The Bitch Queen from Armageddon".

We didn't like her much.

Drunk Mary, Smiler, Single Issue Man, Irony Girl... I can't remember many more.

Rapscallion

[Pinkie]

When I worked at Pier 1, we had the "Million dollar house lady"..... She made a comment one day while shopping that she couldn't believe she was shopping in Pier 1 for her million dollar house....Like merchandise from Pier 1 was going to infect her high priced home. After the first visit, I figured we'd never see her again, but as with all SC's, she continues to shop there and still drops the big "million dollar" comment often, like the staff there is supposed to be impressed.


Had an incredibly annoying guy shop the deli where I worked who would ask for a pound of garlic balogna sliced "paper thin". He was the "Balogna guy". Worst part was he wanted to see the first slice and if it wasn't just right, you'd have to do it over and over again until it was just the right thickness....major pain in the ass.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Chickenman- the creepy pervert who was a borderline stalker of my youngest co-worker at Kinko's. So named because he claimed to be the creator of a comic called "Chickenman." I loathed this guy with a passion you cannot begin to imagine.

Llama Fucker- guy ran a Llama adventure thingy...ordered trade show stuff from us, used it, then brought it back a week later claiming it wasn't what he wanted.

The Groper- tiny little Indian man who tried desperately to grope women as he talked to them.

[Knifeman]

Anthony Quinn - No, he didn't really look like Anthony Quinn(Well, he sorta did), but the big reason he was nicknamed this was every time he came into the pecan store he was wearing a white wifebeater T-shirt(not very attractive for an older gentleman to wear)... the reasoning for the nickname routes back to an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer bought jerry's minivan with... Anthony Quinn's white wifebeater t shirt.

[April]

The joker-Some woman who would come in and return everything she bought the day before. Only she wore SO much make up she LOOKED like a clown. She was very generous with her lipstick, sometimes painting as much as an inch past her lips.

[Hempress]

The No Pants Lady. Once when I pulled in her driveway to deliver her newspaper, I saw her standing right in the middle of her garage with the door open and the lights on and she was wearing no pants. At 4AM.

And the naked guy. Naked guy likes to walk around his house naked at night. With the blinds open and the lights on. At 4AM. One time I swear he was right at his bedroom window making knuckle children. His lower half was below the window pane, but I know what he was doing with those hands! Urgh!

[DisgruntledBadger]

When I worked in the dreadful grocery store, we had...
...Stink Bomb, who wore so much cheap perfume that you could actually smell her before she set foot in the store.
...Sir Sleaze-A-Lot, who tried to get into the pants of every female employee in the store, and would often follow us around making entirely inappropriate comments.
...and Bug Eyes, who never said much of anything, but always stared at us so hard that it looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his head.

At the pizza shop, we had...
...the aforementioned Damn Green Peppers, Dammit.
...Airplane Lady, who called a couple of times asking if we could fly the pizza to her castle by airplane or by dragon (I wish I were making this up).
...Shopping Center Troll, who was either owner or part owner of the shopping center in which the restaurant was located. This woman loved to tell my boss exactly how all of his employees were going wrong (although she'd never worked in a restaurant in her life) and which of his business practices were losing him money. She'd then pull me aside and tell me that the other waitresses were "dirty" or "disrespectful", and that as waitstaff supervisor, I should do something about it.
...and last, but not least, we had Dog Lady. She ordered a cheesesteak sub for her dog for delivery, then got angry when said cheesesteak sub came with a bun. She then proceeded to call back every twenty minutes for the rest of the night to complain. A couple of times, when I answered the phone, I'd hear nothing but a barking dog. Just a wee bit strange, that one.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Code Pink--The clearly disturbed young ladd who will visit our store occasionally and just be a pain in the rear end.

She will ask somebody a question about some item, and when an employee answers it, she'll just ask the same question again. After she's answered a second time, she'll ask to speak to a manager.

Code Pink especially sucks when she's in the store with her mom or one of her loser boyfriends . She will just start cussing and swearing at her companion for no good reason. You can hear them yelling at each other across the store.

BTW, Code Pink is not named for the activist group. Like every other store, we have "codes" for fires, medical emergencies, severe weather, etc, so one day people just started to refer to her as "Code Pink".

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Etch-a-sketch lips. I have no idea how she did it but her lipstick was... etch-a-sketchy. Think the only thing you could do on etch-a-sketch. Stairs. That's what her lipstick looked like. She absolutely needed crusty bread. Hadda be crusty. Really crusty. Izzit crusty? You damn right it's crusty.

DabreadDabread: Lil ol lady that comes in the store, has a strong Ukrainian accent (I've been told, I never went to Ukraine) Never believes you for the sheer pleasure of repeating. Demands specific things, but her shopping list is so vague, it's counter-productive. "DabreadDabread vere iz Dabread, Dabread on speshul, DabreadDabread iz dat Dabread on speshul Dabread Dabread?"

That is exactly how she speaks. She will start with Dabread, but will repeat the same litany for EVERY item on her list.

We literally flee from her.

[The Distorted Kwi]

Mr. Skanky Pants: Perhaps the most icky mofo on the planet, Mr. Skanky Pans used to show up every six months or so. We had one of those photo booth where you could get your picture inserted into a fake background. (In our case, making you stand on the ledge of the very tall tower I work at, or appear to be bunji jumping off it, etc.)

Mr. SP would ALWAYS arrive in the words tiniest shorts, which were literally two sizes too small for him. And he'd get four photos done EVERY time. The SAME four photos. Standing on the ledge. Standing facing away from the camera. Sitting on the ledge. (Please don't splay, sir!). And lying down. (Dear god, the horror! The horror!)

Even more ickily, he'd always show up during school holidays, mingling with the families in his terrifyingly tiny shorts.

And to complete the horror, one of the girls saved his photo... and using the Zoom tool seemed to prove he had a damp spot in the crotch of the Micro-Pants.

I'm so glad we no longer have that particular attraction.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Let's see, there was the Slob Family. Pretty self explanatory. Parents and 2 kids who would set up camp in the store, leave stacks of books and magazines, cups, whatever.

The Napping Guy. Icky guy who'd sleep for hours in the comfy chairs. We decided his wife couldn't stand having him at home and he had nowhere better to go. Just speculation. Or projection, maybe.

The Star-Ledger Guy. Nice guy, came in almost every morning on his way to work and bought a newspaper (The Star-Ledger). He'd either come in, get his paper, swing by and hand me 35 cents, then go into Starbucks and get coffee, or he'd get his coffee, swing by and give me his money, then get his paper and leave. I think it depended on whether he got there before 9 or after. Always in a shirt/tie on weekdays. Usually didn't say anything beyond "thank you." One day he came in wearing jeans, and bought a book. I said "No paper?" and he said, "No work today!"

Mullet Man. Pretty self explanatory, at least until he shaved off the mullet, but the name stuck anyway. Also had an unfortunate fashion sense involving too-tight slightly shiny shirts or wife beater tanks. :shudder: He was a jerk, too.

Bella. Actually the name of her dog. Little old(er) lady who came in occasionally with her sweet little chihuahua and let me hold her.

Homeless Guy. Actually, he is homeless (been hanging out in the store almost 10 years, probably). That was his nickname until we found out his actual name. Aside from the fact that he doesn't actually spend money and sometimes has hygiene issues, he's one of the better regulars. Reads all day but always puts everything back where he got it (even puts the newspaper back together the way it was) and sometimes straightens stuff he wasn't even looking at. Also sings to himself. Nice voice.

There were other random PITA customers that we knew by name, too. A couple deserve their own posts, someday...

[Boozy]

I have this annoying habit of giving everyone funny-sounding Scottish names. My husband is the only person I know who finds this habit endearing. I mean, these names are really bloody stupid.
At the cafe, for example, we had:

Tippy McNevertips
Yappy McTalksalot
Bitchy McScowly

I got drunk at the holiday staff party one year, and my co-workers started calling me Boozy McDrinksalot, thereby making fun of me on two levels. The name sort of stuck.

[HALFHUMANHALFZOMBIE]

Shitty Smelling Wheeze Breather: Smells really bad and breaths very noisy
Taxi Man 1988: The same guy seen a lot at my old job and at the job I'm at now, gets quite impatient when it's necessary for us to wait on him.
Fat Retarded Bitch http://uploads.ungrounded.net/conten...=0&w=550&h=400
Is at my new job a lot!

[Kitten in the box]

Redman:comes in to our store and buys a 40oz of 211 almost everyday for breakfast....nice enough guy doesn't bother anyone...co owns a red nose pit named Red or Meathead. Nice dog but REAL protective. Protected me against a customer that came up to me real fast just to ask me a question.

Piss-man:Comes in EVERY single day just to use our restroom and buy a candy or something...smells like pee that I have to put rubbing alchahol under my nose. smell stays for 10 minutes after he leaves.

Enviro-man:Likes to talk about the environment and its problems and how we the human race can do better to improve our planet earth. Claims to have participated in the documentary about the global warming and the dangers it has.