Customer Nicknames

[Luna]

Ringman: a man probably in his late 30's but was only allowed to shop with his elderly mother. He purchased children's magazine. Wore a ring on every finger, and then a smaller one that fit only up to the first joint of each finger - hence the name. This name was bestowed on him at Suncoast..and to my horror - he started shoping at B&N while I worked there. Would put children's movies on hold and scream at us when we put them away b/c he wouldn't get his allowance for 2 weeks yet. I threw him out of the bookstore once because shit his pants and kept right on shopping.

Bill/Jill: Bill shopped at Suncoast. Ordered the Dark Shadows collection on VHS. One every week. Slowly started converting to Jill. Longer hair. Longer nails. Dress blouses...One day came in and freaked out - demanded we cancel all his pending orders and start ordering all the Dark Shadows from episode one all over again - b/c Bill no longer exists. I tried to talk him out of re-ordering b/c it would cost him a fortune - but he refused. He, ah...SHE also shopped at B&N once it opened. I actually got brave enough to give him fashion advice b/c I felt really bad. He cross dressed - but he looked like my great grandmother and he was only maybe 40. Told him to go shopping at NY&Company and ditch the pumps and white satin blouse with ruffles. And to shave his legs before putting on stockings, and his chest too. He was really sweet and he thanked me for caring instead of giggling when he came in.

WheezyLittle round guy - probably no more than 4' 5". Always waddled around in a bright yellow jacket and a backpack as big as he. Threw a raging fit in Suncoast when lightning hit the mall and the power went out - screaming that he was going to die. He wheezed horribly and smelled even worse. Also pitched a fit when i was trying to explain to a customer the diff. between fullscreen and widescreen for the Titanic movie she wanted to reserve. He began screaming , "They cut the feet off!!! They cut the heads and feet off! Don't listen to her! It's a trick!!" I had to throw him out of the store. Yes, he followed me to B&N and music store hell also. I'm glad I don't work in that mall anymore.

I'm sure there are more - but those are the ones who stick out in my mind the most...unfortunately.

[KellyHabersham]

The Hat Family - a mother and her five daughters who were regular patrons at the library I work at. All of the kids had ratty, tangled hair, and wore straw hats or baseball caps.

Goth girl - a teenager whose Mom used to drop her (and sometimes her brother) off at the library all day.

[chainedbarista]

running man: tells overblown, pointless and completely boring stories about his running adventures, misadventures, related injuries, surgeries and other inane details of his empty existence. fortunately, he hasn't come around for some time...

joyful jim: always looks like someone took an extreme dump in his wheaties; never smiles, always seems like he has a perpetual stick up his nether region, is married to:

annoying wifey: has a drink that no one likes to make, annoys us with her presence. needs extra ice in that drink, make sure it's thick, blah blah...

a recent visitor (may he never return):

misto man: shares his boring stories about how he hops from green apron store to green apron store and how the baristas all call him misto man (i'm betting they call him MUCH more than that...); bugged everyone in the store about whether or not they owned a certain car parked outside, how that car is his dream car *insert desire to shoot one's self to end the suffering* blah blah

freebie whores: always wanting freebies, whether it's a sample of some sort, water or a trip to the potty. these people tend to be loud, rude and expect what they want NOW NOW NOW! never mind that their contribution to the store is exactly zero, they should be treated as if they were actually patrons.

gangsta boy: a freebie whore who has a habit of resting his weary back on our counter while telling us 'watta,' which means get me a glass of water, now. thinks he's some sort of supastar gangsta, yo.

banana boy: always orders the same drink in the same toneless, soulless voice (until the banana was discontinued from the menu); comes equipped with vacant stare and slumped manner (think boneless chicken)

[Amethyst Hunter]

After I got done ing and ing and ing at all of these, I thought of my own:

Burger Bitches: pair of 40 - 60-something women come through my line the other day, each with two packs of ground chuck. There's a sale on ground chuck this week, $1.69....PER POUND, *not* per package. Unfortunately, these two bints weren't paying attention and DEMANDED (oh yes, DEMANDED) to get those packages (which were all of a good size; this is the size you buy when you're making a bunch of burgers or going to freeze some for later use) for a buck-sixty-nine as per the ad. (Morons. Since when the hell was hamburger that cheap?? In the stone ages, maybe...) They pretty much stopped shy of calling my managers idiots (since I handed the BBs off to them to have the displeasure of dealing with, while I secretly flipped them off beneath the counter where nobody could see me ) because they (the SC's, that is, not the managers) couldn't be bothered to pay attention to certain critical details. Alas, as per the suckitude of such SC's, they got their precious ground chuck for free. I hope they spent that night getting familiarly acquainted with Mr. Porcelain Throne, if yaknowwhatImean.

Scooter Harpy: Stuck in my head as Ginger Lady for the fuss she once kicked up over a .60-some cent piece of ginger, but rechristened here because the name fits better since she uses the motorized scooters in the store, plus it points to her penchant for nitpicking EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED ITEM in her order, and possibly complaining about its price. I cringe every time I see her coming up to my line. *shudder*

Lottery Bitch: Blows a small fortune on lottery tickets, scratch and otherwise, and also a huge nitpicker. Speaks to you in a very condescending tone, like you're retarded.

Little Old Lady: A *nice* customer. I like her, she's very sweet and quiet and is generally one of them that you like to see come through your line. I go extra for LOL when I'm packing her purchases. ^_^

Baptist Lady: Has the annoying habit of littering you with pamphlets advertising the church she apparently goes to. Other than that, she's actually a decent customer and doesn't go any further with the proselytising (sp?) than that. I think she may be learning though, the last time she came through my line she didn't whip one out at me. Or maybe it was just because she had her hands full with two grandkids at the time and didn't have the opportunity.

Wine Guy: Without fail, always comes in on the weekends very first thing in the morning as the store opens and buys no less than four of those wines-in-a-box (2 of each flavor, red and white). I want to know where the hell he's putting all that. O.o;;

Queen Crab Bitch: My very first SC. So named because she scammed the store out of $55 worth of king crab legs because she (like the Burger Bitches) couldn't be arsed to pay attention to the signs, so she threw a stinking fit and got them for free. I also hope she spent some quality time with her bathroom.

I'm sure there're more...as they come to mind eventually... XD

[powerboy]

Asshat, The one person that comes in, and asks the samething once aweek.

I got called John Cena once. I came out of the office, and this kid about 10 years old, called me John Cena. Sadly, I am not as buff as John is.

[Delphae]

Morning Guy He is waiting for you first thing in the morning when you open the store. He used to be there every morning. Also known as the Viva guy as he used to buy a roll of Viva paper towels every day.
The Sleepy Bandit She used to steal Unisom out of the packages.
The Blond Theif Stole from us until caught.
Raincheck Guy Lots of rainchecks.
The Rebate Indian Family Two Indian woman who are obsessed with rebates.
Moter mouth woman She talks really fast, nonstop and often gets away with deals because you can't stop her. Calls me Sheri.

[Linda]

We don't have many nicknames, as we take the customers real name.

Whistly man - Has a piercing whistle which he uses to whistle the first 3 or 4 bars of "Born Free" continually without break while he shops. Every Thursday morning. He doesn't seem to pause for breath, not even to speak to the cashier.

Chocogran - A really lovely sweet old lady who doesn't have a clue about her digi camera, but will have 3 or 4 photos printed every week. When she comes back to pay, she always has some sort of chocolatey gift for our kindness. Yesterday was an Easter egg. We fight over serving her!

[Ackee]

gangsta boy: a freebie whore who has a habit of resting his weary back on our counter while telling us 'watta,' which means get me a glass of water, now. thinks he's some sort of supastar gangsta, yo.

banana boy: always orders the same drink in the same toneless, soulless voice (until the banana was discontinued from the menu); comes equipped with vacant stare and slumped manner (think boneless chicken)

Aww this gives me fond memories of vinegar boy

[BookstoreEscapee]

Morning Guy He is waiting for you first thing in the morning when you open the store. He used to be there every morning. Also known as the Viva guy as he used to buy a roll of Viva paper towels every day.

I do not want to know what he was doing with a roll of paper towels every day...

[B&NGoddess]

stinky sleepy man: comes in at promptly 9am, goes directly to a comfy chair and falls asleep. has that "haven't bathed since 1972" smell. he hasn't been in for like 3 weeks so we think hes dead.

pee lady: she's the one who comes in, pisses on a chair/cafe floor and leaves.

pink floyd: will not shut up about pink floyd. or anything else for that matter. needs to stay on his meds.

freeway: talks loudly about anything, whether asked for his opinion or not. idiot savant type.

grumpy irish man: self explanatory.

angel lady: sees auras and talks to anyone/everyone about it and won't stop.

mad shitter: yeah.

[nick1091]

At the CD store:

Carlotta - A mild-mannered Southern lady with a regular speaking voice, she would do a loud grunt a la Billy Bob Thornton in "Sling Blade" to punctuate each question she asked i.e. "Y'all don't have any more Travis Tritt CDs, do ya? MMMM-HMMMM" I thought she was doing it as a joke at first, until she gave me a dirty look upon me snickering. One time I was eating some fries and eagerly awaited a comment on my "French fried Potaters", but unfortunately never happened.

[Syndrn]

Bird Lady - she had hundreds of birds in all sizes and when the techs were out to her house she would interupt them to holler, scream, and bang the cages while telling them to shut the F*** up!

[AnubisOne]

Potato Lady: Who will buy a heap of potatoes each week, and complain about the price. It doesn't matter what the price was - if she feels it's too high or too low, then she will complain to both cashier and supervisor about it.

[Noelegy]

The only one I remember from the bookstore was the Stinky Book Man. He wore a coverall jumpsuit year-round, accessorizing with layers in the winter. He looked a bit like a troll, because he was short and squat and hairy. Sadly, he was actually quite a nice guy. He would come in and browse for hours, especially in the mornings, and we literally would have to go up and down the aisles after he left, spraying air freshener, for his stink was eye-watering. He spent some money, too, so I'm not sure why his personal hygiene was so...nonexistent.

[K245five]

The ones that stand out the most for me are as follows:

Psychoshopper: I know, I've mentioned him before, but he was BY FAR the king of SC's that I've seen. Older guy, early 70's, built like King Kong, was a MAJOR paranoid schizo/rageaholic. The guy would come in with a suitcase under his buggy, which we all thought he was packing heat in. Wouldn't let baggers bag his groceries, and would only let three select cashiers ring him up. If none of them were available, he would demand that a special till be assembled and opened up just for him! And mgmt. would do just that out of pure fear of the guy. Thought the employees would "contaminate" his groceries, so he would bag the groceries himself, then put them all in a black garbage bag. This was also because he thought his neighbors were watching what he bought, then calling the store and telling the store not to carry those products. Over time, he got worse and worse and got kicked out of numerous retail places until he was finally committed. Word has it that Psychoshopper has recently passed away. Despite all of his issues, it was still a sad story in the end.

Crazy Jean: Another crazy old person. Crazy Jean was in her early 80's, and literally came in the store EVERY DAY!!! She had a beat by beat routine that you could set your watch by. She would call ahead every day and ask the prepared foods section to reserve a chicken breast at around 11AM. She would then show up around 1PM and buy the same things every day. When she would check out, she would always ask for double brown in plastic. Afterwards, she would always get a couple pieces of bread from the daily loaf she would buy, break them up,and feed them to the birds. She smelled like kitty litter when you got too close to her, and her breath would choke a horse. She wore a thick heavy overcoat all year round, even in Summer when it would be 90 degrees outside and 100% humidity. She put on so much make-up she looked like a clown. She also talked to herself quite a bit. She was a widow whose husband passed away years before, and all of her kids were long since grown and either dead or moved far away. We thought she was lonely and had too much time on her hands, and that's why she got goofy. Again, another sad story.

Paranoid Price Guy: This guy was a semi-regular, so we didn't see him all that often, but when we did, we would all collectively cringe. This guy always had his developmentally disabled late 20's son in tow with him. PPG himself was about mid to late 50's. This guy would always have a fairly large sized order with him, and would literally write down every price of every item he picked up. The real fun started when he would check out. He would ask you to stop after every item you scanned so he could check it off if the price matched. If by chance something rang different, he would go off and say we were cheating him, it was inexcusable, blah, blah, blah. After the price check, the long laborious routine would continue until we were finally done and he would pay and leave. He would bitch the whole time too. Never smiled, was ALWAYS grumpy! Miserable little toad!