A list of of tech support SCs I've had to deal with....

[sld72382]

Here are the most common SCs I get....

1). The "send the tech out today!" SC.

Sure, I can send a tech out today but the parts take 3-5 days. Unless you think I can atom transfer the part to you, then sure.

2). The "I'm not at home but can you tell me what's wrong" SC.

A true classic. Sure, you say your PC can't load windows but when I ask for the error message you say you're not at home and then get pissy with me when I ask you to call back when you're in front of the unit.

3). The "understand english till you tell them a policy" SC.

Not bashing any one ethnic group 'cause they're all guilty of doing it. Simply put, they understand english perfectly until I tell them something can't be done and all of a sudden it's "I no understand, I don't speak english very well." Have to say it over and over till they get it.

4). The "perfect reception until you tell them a policy" SC.

Similar to #3, only this time when I tell them something can't be done it's "I can't hear you, you're breaking up."

5). The "two-timer" SC.

Simple, you have to say things to them twice because the first time you said it, it was met with a "huh?," "what?," or in case of old people "Can you slow down?"

6). The "I'm stupid but I want you to talk to me like a techie" SC.

These people are dumb, you can see that giving normal steps would take a horribly long time, so you decide to give them instructions so clear that's so easy even a 3-year-old can do it. Even though it gets the job done, they fire back "stop talking to me like I'm a kid!" Well which is it, you want your problem fixed, or do you want me to talk over your head?

7). The "I'm paying for support so I can tell you what I think is wrong" SC.

Buddy, you're paying ME for diagnosing your computer. Let me do my job please.
Sure, you can give me ideas but when you fire back "No! That's not it!" it's only going to make you look foolish when the problem really was "it."

8). The I "want to keep that software even if it's causing the issue" SC.

This is almost always a damaged Norton or McAfee, but it can be any software. Most of the time, they either have a subscription to the software or they downloaded it without choosing the extended download service and in order to redownload it they have to pay for it again. Even if our analyzer software and Hijackthis comes up perfect, they still refuse to let me remove it. Usually telling them they need to format causes them to relent and when I remove the software the issue is fixed.

9). The "Why do you need to charge me again?" SC.

We have a 5-day warranty on our work done over the phone. For virus-infected PCs, the one exception that makes the warranty void is if the SC re-infects the unit. Hey, we cleaned the virus off, not our fault that you went to another porn site and got another virus!

10). The "shut your damn mouth!" SC.

These I can't stand because of the dumb comments they make that could make you fail an evaluation (audit). Examples: "After almost an hour and a half I still feel nothing has been done here!," and "So you're gonna refuse to help me huh?" (after telling him no less than 5 times we would have to send an onsite techie out for COST because he voided his warranty). Each time something like that has been said I cringe.

[earl colby pottinger]

If only it was customers

7). The "I'm paying for support so I can tell you what I think is wrong" SC.

Buddy, you're paying ME for diagnosing your computer. Let me do my job please.
Sure, you can give me ideas but when you fire back "No! That's not it!" it's only going to make you look foolish when the problem really was "it."


I wished it was just customers, at-leat it would only happen at work. But I find all sorts of people asking for help insist on saying "No! That's not it!".

At which point I know that the person never looked to see if that could be the problem, and of-course when I check 85%+ of the time that is exactly what is wrong.

I always assume I know nothing of the cause of a problem, and check EVERYTHING possible. Too many people think there is some special magic cure to all problems instead of hard work and lots of study.

[technical.angel]

These are going to be a little different from sld's as this is support for university students, faculty and staff. No one's actually PAYING us.... though it would be nice if they did....................

11. The "I'm stupid with computers!" SC.

Somewhat close to #6, but when you tell then solutions in terms that a 3yo can follow, they get confused, and follow everything you say with "I'm stupid with computers!" Yes, I figured that out several times over by now. JUST CLICK THE FRIGGIN' GREEN BLOB ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SCREEN!

12. The "Hold my hand over the phone!" SC.

Windows Updates is not the most complicated website in the world. If I have to talk a student through every click one more time, I'm going to scream.

13. The "I'm not going to read the stuff you send me, and get pissed off when I'm inconvenienced by it" SC.

They ignore the piece of paper we send out before they get to campus that says, "DO NOT BUY AN ANTIVIRUS! WE WILL GIVE YOU ONE!" then pitch a fit when we remove it. They get their internet disabled, and when the we tell them "that's why we kept sending you emails." and they respond, "What emails?" We say, "Personal wireless access points are strictly prohibited" and then when we find a student with one and they say, "I didn't know."

[tollbaby]

6). The "I'm stupid but I want you to talk to me like a techie" SC.

These people are dumb, you can see that giving normal steps would take a horribly long time, so you decide to give them instructions so clear that's so easy even a 3-year-old can do it. Even though it gets the job done, they fire back "stop talking to me like I'm a kid!" Well which is it, you want your problem fixed, or do you want me to talk over your head?

7). The "I'm paying for support so I can tell you what I think is wrong" SC.

Buddy, you're paying ME for diagnosing your computer. Let me do my job please.
Sure, you can give me ideas but when you fire back "No! That's not it!" it's only going to make you look foolish when the problem really was "it."

For #6.... I've been used as tech support's on-site fix person (my old office). We had a pretty small tech support team, so when one of our guys had a problem, they'd come to me. If I knew exactly what the problem was (you know, like something I'd fixed before), I'd just fix it. If I thought I knew but wasn't sure, I'd phone my favorite techie, clear my fix with him, and then do it. If it was more complicated than that, he'd usually just tell me what to do and then do it. He only came up to our area ONCE in the entire two years I worked there for a non-social call, and that was because our printer had literally blown up (totally not my fault, btw LOL). I know a bit about computers. Not a ton, but enough to muddle through without breaking things. SO it kind of pisses me off when tech support says "okay, now are you sure you rebooted PROPERLY?" _(*$&^_@*($&^_%@*&^ YES I'm freaking sure! I've done it FOUR TIMES while you've been sitting there hunt-and-pecking your call notes out, ignoring me entirely when I told you it wasn't changing or improving the situation.

For #7.... I recently had tech support tell me that the reason I couldn't set up my secondary pop3 e-mail account was because MICROSOFT (yes, Microsoft themselves) had blocked my port. I had set the e-mail account up two and a half years ago when I first moved in, and when I did that, I had to call my ISP to ask them to unblock port 25. So when my hard drive died and I had to reset everything, I phoned again, asking them to unblock port 25 so I could set up my e-mail. "Oh no, we don't block ports," the lady told me. "You must be mistaken... maybe it was with your previous provider." errr no, it was with you guys... I have it here in my notes (I keep notes of tech support calls too). So she tells me to REBOOT and maybe the port will have magically unblocked (this is a common ploy with my ISP wherein they fix the problem on their end - such as when they reduce my bandwidth - and my computer is magically FIXED when I reboot - must be the reboot pixies). So I reboot, knowing she hasn't done crap to unblock the port, and lo and behold, the port is still blocked. So I asked to be escalated.... it was THIRD TIER tech support who told me that I'd have to contact Microsoft directly to get the port unblocked, because only they do that. wtf?

I'm not saying that your company provides bad tech support, I'm just explaining that sometimes, if someone cops an attitude when talking to tech support, it's because they've encountered crap like this in the past. Yes, the vast majority of people are dumber than dirt.... but please don't paint us all with the same brush. I'm so tired of tech support assuming I'm stupid, and then not having the basic knowledge to fix simple problems *sigh*

[JustADude]

I've had some luck by assuming that the tech support guy is competent and giving them a technical description of the problem, and tell them when they that I've already rebooted and power-cycled everything, etc, when they ask. Of all the times I've been forced to resort to tech support, it's always been either something wrong with my configuration (ex. they used MAC address filters on the ISP and I'd switched from a direct connection to through a router) or a problem with the equipment they've provided (ex. a defective, eventually-recalled gateway cable modem).

Of course, I've also gotten people that go "Um... okay..." and make me go through the list again anyway, the whole time sounding so idiotic they made me want to just hang up before the intellectual osmosis started affecting me too severely.

[tollbaby]

Well see, that's what I mean.... I'll call them and say "This is the problem I'm experiencing. In the past, it has meant that this (xxxxx) has happened. I have already done this (xxxxx) to troubleshoot. What do you suggest?" and they always treat me like I'm a moron for even presuming to know what the problem might indicate. Now I have to specify, it seems to be only the daytime techs who do this... the after-hours guys are spot-on, they're knowledgeable, and they LISTEN.

[JustADude]

Now I have to specify, it seems to be only the daytime techs who do this... the after-hours guys are spot-on, they're knowledgeable, and they LISTEN.

Because moronic, night-schooling, ID-10-T certified wannabes dominate the day shifts. Most of the real, genuine techies are all also official Slackers that don't want to wake up before noon, so they take the evening shifts. Simple as that.

[Shabo]

Of course there's the "I have an error message, but I don't know what it said or what I was doing at the time, and it only happens sometimes" people.

Oh, and the "I'm going to give you every little detail I possibly can think of about the problem without pausing to take a breath and letting you interrupt so you can tell me you know what the problem is and can fix it in two seconds if I would just shut up" people too.

*sigh*

[DannyboyO1]

Of course there's the "I have an error message, but I don't know what it said or what I was doing at the time, and it only happens sometimes" people.

"Fabulous. Say, I had an itch last Thursday, could you guess where to scratch?" I wish I could say. "Say, I saw something like this on that show, with the guy with the hair? And the woman who is always doing that thing with her face? Oh, you need more details and don't see why I'm telling you this? Turnabout's fair play."

Oh, and the "I'm going to give you every little detail I possibly can think of about the problem without pausing to take a breath and letting you interrupt so you can tell me you know what the problem is and can fix it in two seconds if I would just shut up" people too.

*sigh*

*click* *pause* *dial customer back* "Sorry, we seem to have gotten disconnected. Meanwhile I did a few changes on our end, could I get you to type x in field y? Did that work? Wonderful!" I'm not saying I did this before.

[sld72382]

Add another 2 to the list...

1). The "I am special and you must serve ME!" SC.

You know the ones. I once had a women who's onsite appointment needed to be rescheduled and while I could understand her frustration, any sympathy for her went right out the window when she said "I demand that you cancel another person's appointment and fit me in, I need this done right away!" I told her we can't do that and she cursed and hung up.

2). The "I am going to blame YOU for my lack of critical thinking skills" SC.

Perfect example: Client calls in for phone support on her wireless network we set up. Because she was out of warranty, she needed to pay for the phone support, which she wasn't too happy about. The problem? Laptop can't connect to the router. The fix? Turns out the "problem" was that the wireless switch was turned off. I had her flip the switch and problem solved. Well first she said she shouldn't have to pay full price - I shot her down by saying that flat rate is FLAT RATE! Secondly, she said "This would not have happened if your onsite tech would have told me about the switch needing to be on!" Sorry, but people need to read the freakin' user's guide and learn some critical thinking skills.

[TNT]

Because moronic, night-schooling, ID-10-T certified wannabes dominate the day shifts. Most of the real, genuine techies are all also official Slackers that don't want to wake up before noon, so they take the evening shifts. Simple as that.

Huh? Where I work, the A-list techs are all on the day shift... there's a good reason for that, but it's too long to go into now.

Still... I agree that, at least where I work, tech support is better after hours. During the day, the odds are very high that a caller will wind up with an outsourced tech. Those techs are as smart as any company employee... but they don't have the same access or the same training as company employees.

As an example, very few people who called for telephony support during the day actually reached their local call center... for awhile, I was the only telephony tech on duty. The outsourcers relied on trouble tickets, etc., to get problems solved... and that could take awhile to work through the system. But if a caller was lucky enough to get me, I could just walk over to the advanced telephone techs and say, "Can we take care of this while I have the caller on hold?"

All of which explains why, by the end of this year, every single tech call at any hour of the day, will be answered at the local call center.

[Shabo]

"*click* *pause* *dial customer back* "Sorry, we seem to have gotten disconnected. Meanwhile I did a few changes on our end, could I get you to type x in field y? Did that work? Wonderful!" I'm not saying I did this before.

Amazing! I must try this!

[technical.angel]

Of course there's the "I have an error message, but I don't know what it said or what I was doing at the time, and it only happens sometimes" people.

This is then followed by the "I have a problem that ONLY occurs when you're not here, and I can't explain what I do that's different then what you show me to do" SC.

Those SCs who have a mystery problem that NEVER occurs around a tech.

[Dawnchaser]

Another to add

The doubleteamers

There are two subcategories of this...

a) The "relay" call where despite the fact that neither person is disabled (in most cases anyway), for some reason you have one person talking to you and repeating everything you say to the person at the computer at the other end of the room.

b) Husband and wife on the phone at the same time. When I worked for a local ISP we had a team like this...Mike and Carol were their names. They almost always called in with issues clearly related to the quality of their phone line and usually they would start arguing with each other in the middle of the call. This was horrifying pain.

I always hated type a because since the ISP was so small there was really no point in telling them the person on the phone had to be at the computer...because they would just call over and over hoping to get someone else and you would get them over and over again. It was easier just to grit your teeth and get through the call even though it took twice as long as necessary.

[carlyn]

These are going to be a little different from sld's as this is support for university students, faculty and staff. No one's actually PAYING us.... though it would be nice if they did....................

11. The "I'm stupid with computers!" SC.

Somewhat close to #6, but when you tell then solutions in terms that a 3yo can follow, they get confused, and follow everything you say with "I'm stupid with computers!" Yes, I figured that out several times over by now. JUST CLICK THE FRIGGIN' GREEN BLOB ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SCREEN!

12. The "Hold my hand over the phone!" SC.

Windows Updates is not the most complicated website in the world. If I have to talk a student through every click one more time, I'm going to scream.

13. The "I'm not going to read the stuff you send me, and get pissed off when I'm inconvenienced by it" SC.

They ignore the piece of paper we send out before they get to campus that says, "DO NOT BUY AN ANTIVIRUS! WE WILL GIVE YOU ONE!" then pitch a fit when we remove it. They get their internet disabled, and when the we tell them "that's why we kept sending you emails." and they respond, "What emails?" We say, "Personal wireless access points are strictly prohibited" and then when we find a student with one and they say, "I didn't know."

Oh did you ever hit the nail on the head! I get those in spades..
One of my recent ones, definitely a #13, with a little 11:

This one simply WILL NOT follow our written instructions for setting up her email account. We moved to a server with a different MTA and everyone has to change their username to their full email address. Most customers (95%) were able to do it without much hassle.. This one... AAARGH
I sent her a link to the instructions (to another email she has and checks)... She emailed me back saying, 'I don't see what this has to do with mine, my server didn't move'
Well, yes it did.. but she will not be convinced because her web site still looks the same.. What does she expect? purple background with yellow text? Of COURSE it looks the same.. jeeez.
But, the woman simply will NOT follow written instructions, or verbal ones. She insists that her email is set up right on her end and will not even attempt to change her settings, even though our server logs indicate she has not updated her username.
After I had dealt with her for a couple of days, to no avail, an co-worker (N***) took her case, hoping a different approach would help. When he went home that afternoon, he was just as frustrated as me.
Next day, afternoon-ish: After sending dozens of screenshots to N*** to "Prove" she was doing it right, (er, how come she knows how to send screenshots? ), N*** spotted her mistake. Instead of telling her what it was, he sent her the same link to the same instructions I had posted on our web site, and BCC'd me .
And I quote: "Here is a link to detailed instructions that Carlyn sent you initially. If you follow these exactly, your email will work". She apparently did, because the server logs show her getting her damn email and we haven't heard back from her. No "thank you", not even "ok it's working now". nothing.