Script for Closing Calls

[that_chick_in_I.T.]

1. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

2. Actually sir, I am required to say that. I am not allowed to comment on whether the company actually appreciates your business or what it would do if it really did.

3. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

4. Please stop swearing at me sir.

5. No sir, my mother does not work in that profession.

6. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

7. Once again sir, I am required to say that. I'm afraid I don't have baby oil, donkeys, or midgets with me at the moment.

8. No sir, I don't own a tractor or know how to drive it backwards through a cornfield.

9. I'm not sure that that would fit in the human anus sir. I apologize for the inconvenience.

10. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

11. Yes sir, the company's address is listed on the website.

12. I am on the 5th floor in the back of the building. Please make your blows swift and deadly, with a minimum of splatter. The company is charged $500 every time an employee's brains are scraped out of the carpet.

13. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

14. Yes sir, I will see you in a moment. Yes sir, I am prepared to die. I work in a call center, therefore I anxiously await the sweet release of death.

15. Again sir, I don't believe that that would fit in the human anus.

16. Yes sir, I will see you soon.

17. Thank you for calling (company). We appreciate your business.

[phillippbo]

Funny, funny stuff. Reminded me of something, though. Way back when I answered the phone for AT&T @Home, I had a customer threaten to come down and kill me. He was serious, too. (It should be noted that at the time, I worked for a certain third-party subcontractor whose name sounds a lot like convergence and not AT&T directly.) I laughed at him because I had a long day and it was genuinely funny to me. He demanded to know what was so funny and repeated his threat. Near as I can remember, this was my response:

"Alright, sir, you do that. Come on down to <City, State>, find the AT&T call center, and wait for me in the parking lot. I'm really looking forward to having my butt beaten."

I hope he did it, too. I wonder if he'd have gotten the hint when he got here and none of the buildings said "AT&T" on them...?

[wagegoth]

Awesome post! Thank you.

[Crazyredhead]

(It should be noted that at the time, I worked for a certain third-party subcontractor whose name sounds a lot like convergence and not AT&T directly.)

If you mean Convergys. I used to work the warranty and exchange dept. We supported AT&T. I worked in Clarksville TN, where did you work?

I bet you have some real doosies to tell?

[phillippbo]

I worked in Clarksville TN, where did you work?

I worked in Greenville, NC. Sadly, most stories I have from my job there I can't remember "on demand", something has to remind me of it. Ah, well, my theory is that the job was so traumatic that I put a mental block on it.