The Amazing Brainless Tech

[gunsage]

Hey guys! Sorry for not posting in a while but, well...I just haven't had much to whine about. In any case, I've got a good one for ya.

Every so often I get a call that makes my head hurt. This is yet another reason I keep headache medicine in my drawer at work. Granted, I've gotten a lot more empathetic, so typically I can work through issues without any real mental strain, whether the customer is willing or not. Yup, I can safely say that in 90% of the scenarios I come across with customer support, I do admirably. Of course, that's customer support. So what happens when a field technician, someone who's supposed to know at least a few things about the operating systems and simple troubleshooting is the one who's a retard?

Let me set the scene for you. I will try to keep things as simple as possible as I know that not all of us understand a lot about troubleshooting.

Me - The ever glorious and saintly Gun Sage.
Tech - The brainless bane of my existence.

It should be noted that not all of our field techs know a lot about computers. It should also be noted that not all of them speak good English. It should FURTHER be noted that most of them just take up simple jobs and therefore absolutely need our help in the field when they come across something they don't know anything about (95% of the things in the known universe). It should yet even further be noted that this technician was all of these things and more.

Me: "X Company, this is Sage speaking."
Tech: "Yes. This is Brainless Tech. I'm dealing with a Vista and I can't get it online."

Account information is collected. Looks like this was supposed to be a simple install. Coding looks good, but I don't see anything beyond the modem, such as the CPE (customer premesis equipment, i.e. computer, router, etc.). After collecting a little more information from him, I find that the customer was former AT&T DSL (digital subscriber line, a service that operates over a phone line and has to dial up to make the initial connection, unlike cable which is also on and sometimes referred to as dynamic). This is important because it means that instead of there just being a dynamic connection, things were previously set up to dial first.

Tech: "I already deleted the dial-up connection, but now it won't get online."
Me: *Trying to remember if that's a good thing or not* "Errm, alright...well, if you deleted the dial-up connection, do you see the local area connection there?"
Tech: "Huh?"
Me: "...The local area connection."
Tech: "...I don't...see...where is that?"

Time out. You somehow found the connections window, found the dial-up connection, killed it, but have no idea where the connections window is to find ALL presumably available connections?! I knew this call was going downhill from here. In any case, the next thing I chose to investigate was whether or not the NIC (network interface card, aka ethernet card) was enabled or not, since he claimed there was no ethernet connection...not that that statement was holding anymore water than a boat made of swiss cheese.

Me: "Alright, well lets go to the device manager."
Tech: "Okay."

A long pause ensues. It should be noted that most technicians are familiar with at least XP, not all of them Vista, but the steps are pretty much the same to get to the device manager.

Tech: "...Hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here. Have you gotten to the device manager yet?"
Tech: "Where's that? You sound like you're breaking up."

To save you meaningless dialogue (aren't you special), he did this no less than 10 times during the call. No, his cell phone wasn't dropping either, he was just an idiot.

Me: "Well, you'll want to click on start, rather, the Windows icon, then control panel. After that, you should find something that says either system or system and maintenance-"
Tech: "Okay, so I hit panel control."

No joke. "Panel control." I wanted to cry. And he wasn't keeping up...with steps he should've already known.

Me: "...Alrighty. Do you see system or system and maintenance?"

Another long pause. Seriously now, you need your own personal elevator music.

Tech: "...Hello?"

Yes. YES. AGAIN.

Tech: "...I don't see it."
Me: "You don't see it? You mean, there's nothing in there that says anything about system at all?"
Tech: "...You're breaking up."

NO I'M NOT, THAT'S YOUR MIND SEPARATING.

Me: "Alright, alright...well look, you should see one or the other depending on what view you're in. For example, if you click on classic view on the left, you should see a bunch of icons, one of which should be system."

*Crickets*

Tech: "...No."
Me: "What?"
Tech: "I don't...see...there's no system-"
Me: "Okay, no, that's fine. Do you see classic view on the left? Should be under control panel home."

*Crickets tapdancing*

Tech: "...No."

WHERE'S MY GUN?!

Me: "I...what? No, there should definitely be something on the left bar. You're sure you're in control panel?"
Tech: "I...see...okay, I closed it."

...WHY.

Me: "I...okay...well, let's open it back up. Go to the Windows icon, then control panel."
Tech: "Okay, I'm back in panel control."

I swore at this point and did follow through later that I would have two 40 oz King Cobras after this was over.

Me: "Okay, now on the left, do you-"
Tech: "I don't...see...there's no system."

MADRE DE DIOS!!! It was at this point that I had already been venting about this call over my AIM to another employee who then suggested I have him hit the Windows key + Pause key on the keyboard to bring up system properties, which I should then be able to navigate to the device manager with. Oh yeah, because THAT'LL totally work with this guy. But I was willing to try...

Me: "Okay, sir, one of my colleagues was kind enough to inform me of an alternate method to finding the device manager. Just close out of control panel."
Tech: "Okay, I've closed panel control."

It was at this point I was wondering if A) he was trying to correct me, B) he was a flaming idiot, or C) he was BOTH.

Me: "Yes, well...what I want you to do is hit the Windows key and-"
Tech: "Okay, it brought up getting started, all programs-"
Me: "No no, wait...that's not all. If you hit the Windows key and Pause key at the same time, we should be able to navigate to the device manager."

*Crickets MMA match-up main event*

Tech: "...It brought up getting started, all-"
Me: "Wait, wait! Did you also hold down the Pause key?"
Tech: "...You're breaking up."

Oh, that little noise? No, that's the sound of my SHOTGUN BEING COCKED.

Me: "The Pause key."

*Crickets death metal concert*

Me: "On the keyboard? Near the arrow keys and page up, page down?"
Tech: "...You're breaking up."

MEIN LEBEN!!! Wait...wait...I think I know what he's doing at this point.

Me: "Sir...are you tapping the Windows key on the keyboard or clicking the Windows button on the monitor?"

Even the crickets have gone home at this point.

Tech: "...Okay, I restarted the computer."

I give up. I GIVE UP. It was at this point I came so VERY close to just calling him stupid. But then, something magical happened...

Me: *Deep breath* "Okay!"

I took this time as a small break, said absolutely nothing to the tech, put myself on mute, and just concentrated on breathing deep. It normally takes a lot to get to me. It really does. THIS guy, though, pushed all the buttons at once. Why restart the computer? Why completely throw my steps out the window? Did I ASK you to restart the computer? You clearly have NO idea what you're doing, so WHY DO IT?! The computer came up shortly, but at least it gave me some time to calm down. Further, I did FINALLY get him to do the key combination, which brought up system properties, went to device manager, and lo and behold...NIC was disabled.

We re-enabled it and BAM, he was up. THIS WAS A 25 MINUTE CALL. He couldn't find anything, was relatively uncooperative, totally clueless, did steps I didn't ask him to do and got confused all the while in the process...I mean really, this man was the equivalent of a walking headache! Worse still, I've dealt with him before and may have to again. MEIN GOTT. Anyway, that's my story. Hope you enjoyed.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

Why are they hired if these guys are so bleeding incompetent?

[wagegoth]

Do you get dinged for taking too long for calls? If so, can you push the blame on this guy?

[wagegoth]

Why are they hired if these guys are so bleeding incompetent?

I'm pissed that my cable rates keep going up to support these idiots.

[Arm]

Why are they hired if these guys are so bleeding incompetent?

Because untrainable idiots are cheaper than competent people.

...that's really the only answer I can think of. Granted, someone has to do the level 1 work, but still. Following instructions shouldn't be that hard.

Also, I've seen lots of level 1 work routed through call centers elsewhere around the world. That's fine if you route it to, say, Canada. Maybe even some parts of India- English is the language of the day there, for the most part- but China? Come on. It doesn't matter how cheap they are if they can't communicate with anyone.

But it looks good on paper, so people buy it.

[gunsage]

Fortunately, our average handle time is not watched like a hawk. Either way, my AHT is typically anywhere between 5 - 8 minutes on the average, so it's no biggie either way. What was explained to me about these guys is A) a lot of them are contractors and don't bother learning more than just basic wiring stuff which, admittedly, I don't know much about so I can't complain on that end and B) even if they aren't contractors, some of them will only get simple jobs for, literally, MONTHS.

So this guy, for example, may have only been accustomed to basic install work, disconnects, etc., then he came across this. It really wouldn't have been so bad if he would have FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS rather than playing tinkertoys or whatever the rocks in his head were possessing him to do (or don't rather).

[HawaiianShirts]

Now there is a prime example of what my 81-year-old grandmother would call a "great blazing idiot." I have to do simple tech support for this grandmother from time to time. She's not particularly computer savvy, but she wants to be, and she takes instructions extremely well. I guarantee that she would have completed that call in a quarter of the time or less! Should I ask her if she's looking for part-time work to come replace this guy or at least teach him basic listening skills?

I'm still trying to figure out why he would restart the computer. I think I would have lost it at that point if I was the one on the other end of the line, and I wouldn't have tried to hide my irritation either.

*Crickets*
*Crickets tapdancing*
*Crickets MMA match-up main event*
*Crickets death metal concert*
Even the crickets have gone home at this point.

Cricket progression = hilarious!
Now you've got me wondering what "cricket death metal" would sound like...

[El Pollo Guerrera]

Cricket progression = hilarious!
Now you've got me wondering what "cricket death metal" would sound like...

Find a squeeky door, then open and slam it rhythmically for 3 hours while ants mosh around your feet.

Now, as for the original post: I wouldn't completely rule out the possibility that the guy's cell phone was getting lousy reception. However, after the first real staticy bit, I would have said so and called back using a land line (if possible). As for the instructions, if I could follow what you said (and I did), then anyone could.