Dear....

[saint]

Dear nasty old smelly men at the bar:

You are as old as, if not older than, my father. I've made it obvious I'm not intrested. If you persist I'll tell you where to stick it. If you touch me, my cousin playing pool will knock the living shit out of you. As will my brother, who is getting me a drink. Both of whom are built like football players.

Fuck off,
Saint.

P.s. TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER!!!

Dear new boss:
No, I will not scrob the floor for you on my hands and knees because you wont go out and by a decent scrub brush, or some decent floor cleaner. I'm not tearing my muscles/knees/hands/back up for you, or for anyone.

(and yes, I told her this)

thanks!
Saint.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Dear rain, thunderstorms, severe weather, and everything else along those lines,

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. We have been visited by you FOR THE PAST TWO FUCKING WEEKS. We have had tornado watches/warnings EVERY DAMN DAY for like a solid week alone. Areas are flooded senseless and some people are stuck cleaning up debris from the wind's various temper tantrums. A few unfortunate folks have even lost their homes.

All we need is the occasional steady rain to keep things from going into drought. We do not need all this wild insane shit that blows up and cranks out supercells like a bad bout of diarrhea. Yes, I know this is the Midwest, but come on. This is bullshit. The universe sucks enough as it is. Please stop making it worse.

Also, thank you for taking your asshole friends Heat and Humidity with you for the coming 7-day forecast. I hate them too.

Sick of 'weathering' all the crap,

Me

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Ned Yost:

You're stupid. I may be drunk, high and have only one testicle (jk!), but even I could see Julian Tavarez couldn't throw anything remotely resembling a strike tonight.

You can't be fired soon enough. You are the Numbnuts of MLB managers. Right now I'm all for pumping you full of jelly doughnuts and decaf so you fall asleep and somebody else has to manage the Brewers.

Me.

Meh. At least I can take solace in the fact that baseball is about the only sport where a team from Minnesota can beat a team from Wisconsin.

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear stupid ass people--

When we tell you that the ONLY way to get to Madison, The Dells, Minnesota, etc. is to go 15 miles down the road to 43, take that to Beloit, and then pick up whatever highway there to get back to Madison, then obviously that is THE ONLY WAY to get there.

Yes, 94 West is CLOSED, and will continue to be so for at least a couple more days. 18 is closed. 16 is closed. EVERY single highway going west is CLOSED.

Do we look like we are joking? Other customers asked the police when they were here on their breaks. Guess what <city>'s finest told them? If you said, go 15 miles down the road to 43, take that to Beloit, and then pick up whatever highway there to get back to Madison, then you get a shot of Jamesons on me.

Do you think we would send you all the way down to the f'ing Illinois border as a joke??

Read a newspaper. Watch the news. Listen to the radio, people! This SHOULDN'T be news to you!

Get over yourselves.



--An EXTREMELY pissed off me

[Saydrah]

Dear SO,

I love you, but some days I really don't like you. We went out to the Ren Faire, I was afraid you would pay no attention to me and make me the fifth wheel because your friend whose birthday it was this week and your family would be along, and I expressed that, and you promised this would not be the case. I am shy in company, especially with your family, and easily get overlooked.

Apparently I should have been more clear, because the meaning you must have taken is, "Check back occasionally to see how Saydrah is doing in between dragging her all over the fair to follow your parents as they buy your little sister everything she wants. As an occasional diversion, check back occasionally to see how Saydrah is doing in between dragging her all over the fair to follow your friend as he buys himself birthday gifts."

There were shows, jousts, elephant rides, pirates, a hypnotist, a petting zoo... but did we take any of these in? No. We, both having no money, watched other people shop all day. Which, oddly, doesn't bug you, but it bugs me.

GRRR.

-Woman Scorned


Dear SO's Bipolar Disorder,

Fuck off, pretty please?

-GRRR.


Dear Magellan,

Ewwww your abscess popped... but thank goodness, I was getting worried...

-Grossed out owner


Dear SO's Dad,

Your daughter is 20. You do not have to spoil her rotten like a toddler anymore. Your spoiling is the reason she ACTS like a toddler still. She gets anything she wants while you ignore your sons even when they have a pressing need, like a doctor's bill for a medical emergency that they can't pay in time to avoid collections. Meanwhile, you buy your little girl rings and hats and dresses as if she's your personal Barbie doll, and she takes full advantage of her direct line to your wallet.

-Annoyed Observer


Dear SO's Sister,

Surprisingly, you are occasionally tolerable enough to have a conversation with. However, that is about the highest praise I can justify giving you.

-Your Brother's Girl


Dear Elephants at the Ren Faire,

Well, at least YOU paid attention to me. Uhm, thanks for the shower, I think?

-Snotted By Elephants

[crazylegs]

Dear R

You looked wonderful yesterday and G very obviously loves you, congratulations (I'll get the photos ready ASAP ok?).

Crazylegs

[hawkchick11]

Dear Cedar and Iowa Rivers,

Please go back in your banks, I don't want to be stuck in my hometown for a week just so I can go to work. Because of you, I-380 is closed for a week. And please, do not do this again.. or wait 100 years please. Too many friends and family lost everything.

Thanks,
A very greatful hawkchick11

[monolayth]

Dear jaw and ear,

Please stop hurting really I do like you but right now I am condemplating clawing you off. This is getting redicluous.

Painfully,
The owner of the body


Dear dr's ,

No seriously this fucking hurts. Please take me seriously. And no the antibiodiacs are not working. And the whole take tylonal and ibprohen thig is so not working. I know that a lot of people are drug seekers. and yeah mabey I am seeking them but it is not to abuse them it is to make this pain go away. Yes sometimes it is only a dull ache that hurts quite badly which is when you see me. But other times I am shaking with pain and crying.

I called in to work today because it hurt too much i didnt think it was safe for me to drive. I am all kinds of distracted. Luckly tommrrow and wed are my days off. I will be seen tommrrow morning it not in my regular dr office then i am marching my painful self down to the emergency room down the street.

It has been like this for over a week now. I am done.

Painful and upset,

Monolayth

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Dream Self -

Please stop having erotic dreams about rawking assistant manager! He's a nice guy and a good friend. That's it. Go back to the dreams starring Edward Norton. Please?

Dreamless,
IDaR

-------------------------------------------
Dear Body,

Child is alsmot done with her ear infection & sore throat. Why did you have to pick them up along with a fever and dizziness? I don't have time to be sick!

Dizzy & sickly,
IDaR

------------------------------------------
Dear Eye Doctor,

I hope you can do something about my double vision. Even if it only means that I don't have to get prisms ever again in my glasses. Whew.

Hopefully,
IDaR

[SengaKitty]

Dear Birthday,

Hurry up and get here so I can see my son! I'm tired of waiting, a month and 8 days is far too long.

Yours Hopefully
RHPG

[Evil Queen]

Dear IDaR,

Foreigner says Hello.

Feeling down 'n' dirty, feeling kinda mean
I've been from one to another extreme
This time I had a good time, ain't got time to wait
I wanna stick around 'till I can't see straight

Fill my eyes with that double vision
No disguise for that double vision
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me
My double vision gets the best of me

Never do more than I, I really need
My mind is racing, but my body's in the lead
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna push it to the limit
I live all of my years in a single minute

Fill my eyes with that double vision
No disguise for that double vision
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me
My double vision always seems to get the best of me, the best of me, yeah-eah eah-eah-hey

Ooh-ooh (oooh) ooh-ooh, double vision
(Oooh) I need double vision
(Oooh, double vision) it takes me out of my head, takin' me out of my head
(Oooh, double vision) I get my double vision, woa-oah
(Oooh, double vision) seeing double double, double vision
(Oooh, double vision) oh-oh my my double vision
(Oooh, double vision) double vision, yeah-ah-ah eah-eah eah-eah ah
(Oooh, double vision) I get double vision, oooh
How, how?


-EQ

[flyinghi]

Dear idrinkarum

Your avatar is the best Ive seen in a very long time It made me smile and really cheered me up !!

Thank you ever so much


Flyinghi

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear Ty,

I can't believe you're almost 2 already. You are growing so fast. Please don't turn out like your dad. My sister is a good kid but maybe if you didn't have the need to learn every lesson the hard way like she does. I'm glad she picked who she did to take care of you and glad we're all still a part of your life. Watching you grow up gives me patience in dealing with my sister.

your aunt


Dear Mom,
Thank you. Since this whole thing last thanksgiving all I've wanted from you is to hear that what he did was wrong and that you are pissed at him. Today for the first time I didn't have to doubt that it was him you blamed and you agreed with my choice. That meant a lot.

greatful,
me


Dear grandma

You are sweet and you meam well...but you are freaking crazy. I'm really hoping it's from the years of booze and not gendtic because if this is what I'm going to be like in my old age I might take back that wanting to grow old thing. Mom's already told me to shoot her if she turns into you. I love you. But you drive me crazy in an amussed exhasperated way. Also thanks for the loan of the skirt so i could see the kid.

still amused by the water bed,
me

[the_std]

Dear Honey,

You have to keep taking your meds. This is your third seizure in the past ten months, and you've only had five since you were born. This growing frequency does not bode well.

On the other hand, I'm glad only your left shoulder dislocated this time, rather than both of them. You were in less pain at the hospital and will have an easier recovery. Sadly, seeing as how this is the third time you've dislocated this shoulder, you will probably need surgery and lots of physical therapy. And that might interfere with your plans of going to Uni for your piano performer's degree.

But, even with all these setbacks, and even with all this pain and suffering, please know that I love you and will be here to take care of you, whether it's seven hours in the emergency room or a lifetime at your side.

Loving you very muchly,
Me

(PS. Can I have some of those drugs the nice doctor gave you? I want to sleep too! )

[TealJellyfish]

Dear B,

Thank you for being an awesome boss and an awesome person. The patience and care you show is awesome. Thank you for having a sense of Humour and for making me laugh!

Signed

Lex

Dear D,

Your a jackarse. Your my friend but your a jackarse. No one can help you unless you help yourself. I am not going to chase you and make you help yourself! Especially in the week i find out my Grandpa has cancer among other things. Grow up.

Lex