The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mrs. Uptight

We, the moderator staff of WeAreNotSheep.frm are going to reply to your request thusly:

No.

As we are the largest Government Skullduggery exposure site on the SpammerWeb, it is not possible for us to remove an entire page of some 907,361 posts. That would not only help you, the free-press-suppressing government, but also assist in the repression of The People's right to information.

Sincerely hoping you all *&# off,
Josiah Webley
WeAreNotSheep.frm Moderator and IRS flunky

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((After a few days contemplation I remembered it's a CUSTOMER complaint letter.))

CruiserWorld Magazine,

Recently, I would up losing my Barely Mobileson cruiser motorcycle because of impact-incurred damages, and am in the market for a new bike. I saw your mag in the grocery store where I buy my age-restricted beverages, and thought, "Hey, good place to look!" I am appalled. Your magazing says "Cruiser"World on the cover, but there are no cruisers for sale within its pages; nothing but aftermarket parts and apparel!

I demand you stop falsely advertising your magazine, and find me a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser immediately!

Upset and Appalled,
Dr. Unk Ni Briated

[darkroxas45]

CruiserWorld Magazine,

Recently, I would up losing my Barely Mobileson cruiser motorcycle because of impact-incurred damages, and am in the market for a new bike. I saw your mag in the grocery store where I buy my age-restricted beverages, and thought, "Hey, good place to look!" I am appalled. Your magazing says "Cruiser"World on the cover, but there are no cruisers for sale within its pages; nothing but aftermarket parts and apparel!

I demand you stop falsely advertising your magazine, and find me a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser immediately!

Upset and Appalled,
Dr. Unk Ni Briated

Dear Mr. Briated,
Your request is denied as it says right on the cover "your best place for aftermarket part and accessories" and the photo was of a complete N20 system. How you thought we offered cruisers, we don't know. Your demand that we find you a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser is denied.
John Part
Senior Editor for Cruiser World


Dear Acme Grocery,
I was angered when your deli person refused to serve me. They told me to go home and call back another day. All I wanted was 50 pounds of various meats and cheeses. I demand the people working that day be fired and I be given a $1000 gift card and free groceries for the life of my bloodline. If these are not met I will sue your company.
Signed,
Chaz Ham

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. (or Mrs.? Miss? Ms.?) Ham:

Unfortunately, since we live in Meatville, our company policy requires us to turn you over to your fellow customers, whom you would have starved of meat had our vigilant employees not stopped you.

They're not usually cannibals, but they ARE meat-crazy people who hate fruits and vegetables with a passion.

By the way, did I mention how delicious you looked that day?

Signed,

Wile E. Coyote
Meat Manager
Acme Grocery

Dear Firefighting Department:

Why did you have to, as you say, "save me?" I was only doing a pole dancing skit with flaming furniture as part of my YouTube video series!

I demand that you give me new furniture and flooring so that I can do my flaming pole dancing in peace!

Sincerely,

Fiery Red Pole-Riding Hood

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Pole-Riding Hood,

I would recommend getting official training for stunts like that since you set fire to the rest of the room. You need to contact your insurance company if you want your furniture and flooring replaced.

Sincerely,

Dal Mation
Firefighter Chief



Dear Restaurant Manager,

You had no right to throw me out of the restaurant! All I did was punch the waitress because she messed up my order! I demand you fire the waitress and give me free meals for life. If you don't, I will grab a pitcher of ice water and dump it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mr. Particular

[darkroxas45]

Dear Restaurant Manager,

You had no right to throw me out of the restaurant! All I did was punch the waitress because she messed up my order! I demand you fire the waitress and give me free meals for life. If you don't, I will grab a pitcher of ice water and dump it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mr. Particular

Dear Mr. Particular,
We threw you out because you punched a pregnant waitress, IN THE STOMACH. After you ran off, we had to call an ambulance for the waitress and thankfully, she and her baby are going to be fine. I should also note that we called the police and gave them a description of you and now that we have your address from this letter, we will be calling them and sending them to your house. Your demand that we fire the waitress is denied as is your demand for free food. As for your threat of dumping ice water on our heads, we say, bring it on! We would love to film it and post it to BookFace is support of the ALS Ice Bucket challenge.
signed,
F. Ood
Manager
Foodie Restaurant


Dear Nosex Cell phone company,
I went into one of your stores the other day to get a replacement cell phone and your employee was so rude. She told em she would not replace my phone. All I did was drop it in a lake while I was fishing so I could see where the fish were. I am app...apa...angry with the horrible customer service I was given. I demand a new smart phone, a million years free service, the employee be fired, and $1000 as compensation for my trouble or else I'll figure out that there intermaweb thing and give ya'll a one star review on yelp.

Bobby John Lumpkin

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Lumpkin,

You sign a contract with us saying that your phone insurance would not cover water damage. Even if we did, we still wouldn't replace it since you admitted it was still at the bottom of the lake. If you want to make calls again, you're just going to buy a new phone.

Also, if you want to give a one star Yelp review, you better hurry. Yelp might be shutting down soon.

Sincerely,

Billy Nosex, Nosex Celluar

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Dear Interweb Computer Supply,

I recently bought a computer from you for $60. When I got it home to plug it in, I found that there were no places to plug any of the cords. In fact, there were holes where there were supposed to plug my cables. When my brother, the IT expert, opened the case, he said that there was nothing in it. How could you sell me an empty case? I want you to rectify this immediately or I will cut the power to your store so you can't use your own computers either.

Sincerely,

Imma Luddite

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Luddite,

We apologize to you, but Interweb Computer Supply has gone out of business and have left no forwarding address. It seems that they dealt only in useless computer parts and refurbished stolen computers, and when they started to realize one of our officers was there working undercover as part of a sting operation, they closed and went with the wind.

You and seven other people have been notified, and please know we will do everything we can to track down these criminals and bring them to justice,

Sincerely, Detective Hercule Javert.

Dear Seasoned Chef cooking supply emporium,

I went to your store because I love watching the Paulette Green show, and wanted to be able to cook just like her. And since she constantly says that your cooking products are the best she's ever cooked with, and plugs them on every show, I went to your store and spent a fortune. But well, "Quality costs money," she says.

The problem is that when I was done cooking the Thanksgiving feast for my family, I decided to clean up my oven after I cleaned up the rest of the house. But your useless pots and pans were in that oven when I cleaned it, since they were dirty too. Try as I might, all my steel scrubby managed to do was scratch up those non-stick pans. What else could I do?

Now I'm left with ruined pans and a ruined kitchen and a dirty house and a ruined television, since I decided to throw my shoe at Paulette when she was on the t. v. last night.

I demand a full refund on my pots and pans, and spatulas and all the rest of the cooking supplies I bought from your store. And if you won't give it to me, I'll march right into that store of yours with the assault rifle I've secretly bought for my husband's Christmas present and make you give me a full refund, along with all the rest of the money you've got in there. You can't get away with selling shoddy merchandise! I won't let you!

Signed, Sherry Nipper, the food fighter.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Nipper,

Cooking items either need to be hand washed or put in the dishwasher. All of your requests are denied at we've notified the police about your threat.

Sincerely,

C. O. Oker
Manager


Dear Water Company,

Where do you get off sending a bill for water? I end up paying a lot every month for something that should be supplied for free. I demand you stop charging me for water. If you don't, I will set fire to some nearby bushes.

Sincerely,

Donna Wanda Pay

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Pay,

We understand that you've become adverse to paying for your utility bills. Therefore, our standard reply is: We're going to turn it off. We won't be bringing you power (or water.) If it comes down the line, it's intermittently until you pay your fees. We're the utility company!

And we've got Spiderman waiting for you if you dare to set off a deliberate fire . . . He won't talk . . . he won't have to . . .

Cal Extions,

Representative of Aquarius Utilities.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Dear Spendy's,

I went to your store to return the brand new dress my wife bought last week, but they refused to let me return it. How dare you refuse to give me back my thousand dollars for a dress I didn't tell her she could buy? Just because it had a little stain from red wine that I threw at her when the receipt fell out of her purse at the party last Saturday night is no reason that you can't give me back my hard-earned money! It's my money, and I want it now! Or would you care to have me come in and spray bleach all over those overpriced and god-awful clothes you sell?

Signed,

Mr. Cheap Skate.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Cheap Skate,

The dress is being held as evidence by the police. While you were in our store haranguing our employees, your wife called the police to report her battery at your hands. You weren't exactly truthful in your letter; you didn't throw a glassful of wine at your wife, you smashed the bottle over her shoulder.

So not only are you not getting a refund, I have forwarded the address you so stupidly put on your complaint letter to the police department. We'll be seeing you in 10-20 years.

Regards,
Law Fullman, manager
Spendy's Women's Clothing

* * * * *

Dear Optical Palace,

I went in and bought a pair of glasses off your wall. They're defective! I can't see a darn thing out of them! I want my money back and a pair of glasses that do work!

Regards,
A. Stigmatism

[Tyg3rW01f]

*youtube film of Optical Palace staff reading letter and laughing their asses off as one points at the "Display Only" sign*
Heeeeerrre's yer sign!

-----
Dear Big-Box Movie Store,
Recently I spent $200 in your store, enjoying a weekend of Tim Curry films: Clue, Legend, Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Three Musketeers, Muppet's Treasure Island, and It.
Now I can watch ANY tim Curry film without seeing Darkness in coat-tails, Cardinal's cape, fishnets, a pirate hat, and clown make-up!
I demand you give my money back and pay for my therapy sessions!

Needs T. H. Erapy

[Tama]

Dear Mr. Erapy,

You get no money back. This is your own fault. Next time watch a Care Bears marathon.

Sincerely,

Currysvoice I. Searsecchs



Dear Used Book store,

My husband bought a bunch of old erotic novels from you for his mistress. I demand you give me $100,000 and pay for my divorce or I will tell everyone you condone affairs, and also sue you into oblivion. I'd burn your store down, but I want your books, so I'll burn your car instead!

Sincerely,

Cheatedon Bibliophile

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Bibliophile,

We have no control over the books once they leave the store. If you want a divorce, you need to contact a divorce lawyer. You won't receive one cent from me. If you go near my car or store, I will contact the police to arrest you.

Sincerely,

Reed Er
Store Owner



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I come to United States with my family for vacation. I enter your store and your staff was very rude. One employee offer to show me where items were instead of getting them for me. When I go to pay, I tell checker how much I want to pay for each item but she scan each item instead. I pay for items and storm out since I did not receive good customer service. I demand you train your employees better or I will tell my friends and family about the bad customer service when I go back to my country.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Foreign

[Kristev]

We remember you, Mrs. Foreign. There was a clear language barrier. It was quite a debacle. None of our staff could discern what you wanted Of course you got mad and stormed out. So I am personally requiring my staff to take foreign language courses. They will all be required to be multi-lingual. Hopefully this resolves all problems and we'd appreciate your business back in our store . . . when our staff are finished training. But we must, unfortunately, charge you the enclosed bill (at our highest discount, please understand) for the merchandise you ruined when you threw it on your way out. You do your part, we'll do ours.

Signed,

Polly Glott, Owner of Global Neighborhood Market.

Dear Triumphant Chariot Car Dealership,

My boyfriend and I took one of your cars out for a test drive with your employee, Patty, whom I shall nickname Panicky Patty. I drove the car with the greatest of care, but Patty failed to tell me it was a standard. I'm used to automatics. Nor did she mention that the emergency break was in the wrong position. In a way, it's my now ex-boyfriend's fault because he kept Patty talking and talking and talking. It was as if he was dating her! Why did you allow her to wear such a short-cut skirt?

Well, as I drove around for the test drive, I decided to go ahead and do my shopping. After all, our car is quite unreliable and so I didn't dare drive it all over town. But after I finished my shopping, Patty finally started talking to me, or rather, screaming at me that I'd missed a red light. It's not my fault. My sister called me on the phone. I had to answer her! And the next thing I know, some jerk crossing the street in a big truck, going the wrong way, crashes right into us! We all could've been killed!

I demand that you pay my medical bills, fire Patty, and sell cars with good breaks! Perhaps cars that do all the driving for you so you don't have to do anything. If you don't, I'll go to your dealership and drive away with the car of my choice, and if you try to stop me, the employee of my choice as well. I need a new boyfriend, after all . . .

Signed,

Dee F. Lectblame.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Lectblame,

Patty was there to make sure the car was driven safely and the call to your sister could've waited. She is now in the hospital because you didn't pay attention to the road. We will not pay you medical bills or fire Patty. If you come near this dealership again, you will be arrested.

Sincerely,

V. E. Hicle
Manager



Dear Pop Star Audition Manager,

Where do you get off not accepting me? All I did was sing and dance in my bikini. I demand you get me a spot in the performance show. If you don't, I will run across stage wearing nothing during one of the performances.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Dramatic