No new job yet; still stress from the manager

[Eireann]

My manager often works from home, which means that although I don't have him unloading on me verbally, I get him slamming me over our IM program.

You know, I'm really tired of making excuses for him. I'm tired of telling myself that he's under a lot of pressure and that he doesn't like his job (at least, I don't think he does) and, and, and. So what if he hates his job? He's the manager, he makes more than I do, he has a solid home life and outside interests and lots of friends. And I'm the one who bears the brunt of his stress. He doesn't talk to any of the guys the way he talks to me (though he does talk to other women the way he talks to me). I'm sure that if anyone pointed out that this is a highly sexist attitude, he'd deny it... but it is.

Why on earth, when we need a change in life, are we often prompted to make this change before an option shows up? If I had a great job offer right now, I'd take it, but I don't. All I have is such a strong urge to leave that I'm tempted to leave without having a new job lined up, which is NOT what I will do.

The fact that my manager isn't, at heart, a bad or a heartless guy just isn't enough. It isn't enough in any relationship, work or otherwise. You just have to stay away from certain people with whom communication will always be an issue. He just asked me the same question twice, and when he asked it a third time, I simply told him that I don't have the answers he wants to hear.

[Gerrinson]

I'm sorry, what I just heard is that you're being mistreated in writing. This is a big win for you, because you can easily document it with time and date stamps. Sounds like the perfect fodder for HR to resolve your management problem for you.

[EricKei]

yeah. This absolutely needs to be carefully and quietly documented. When something better does turn up, ask the other ladies there about his behavior and if they're willing to include their comments, as it can help to solidify your position that he's a sexist ass...Sounds to me like that is exactly what he is.

[taxguykarl]

Agreed, this is comically easy to document. Even if there is no HR, I'm sure you can find a decent ambulance-chaser to take this case.

[Eireann]

It's nothing that I can take to HR. Things like that just aren't done in this country. Yes, he clearly favors the male employees, but that's not something that I can prove. I can't go to HR and say, "He uses a condescending tone of voice with the female employees, and that proves he's sexist."

And lawsuits are highly uncommon here. So that's not an option; it would take forever to get through the courts, and I wouldn't get anything out of it anyway. My only accusation would be, "He thinks I screw up just to piss him off, so he's always criticizing me."

Yeah, that would do nothing to help my situation.

He doesn't make sexist remarks to any women, and I don't hear him talking about women in a sexist way. I'm sure that if anyone pointed out to him that he treats men much better than he treats women, he'd deny it. I think he thinks of himself as very progressive and open-minded. If only THAT were true, things would be a lot better. He thinks that women are there to take his shit - the same shit that he just doesn't give to the guys.

But it isn't just his attitude towards women. It's his impatience. It's the way I always get the brunt of his stress and bad moods. I am convinced that if I were a guy, and the kind of guy he likes to befriend, things would be much smoother at work, even if I made the mistakes that I make now.

This evening, when I was out with a friend, another guy overheard me talking and came over and gave me his card. I'm learning a new trade so I can get the hell out of what I'm doing now and never go back, and this guy was interested in having me do this work in cooperation with the work he does! As it happens, we'd already met, and he'd already given me his card, but now that we've reconnected, I think my chances of actually cooperating with him are much higher. I mentioned that I hate my job and have to get out of it, and he said sympathetically, "I know what you mean. I had a job I hated, and my boss was a real prick, so I quit and started my own company."

Now, if only I could get a solid offer over the weekend so I could quit on Monday...

[BrenDAnn]

So what you're saying, is your country lacks anti workplace discrimination and harrassment laws? Did I read that right? If so, I never want to work there. I really hope you get a good job offer, soon! I can only imagine what working with someone like that is doing to you mentally and emotionally. Thoughts are with you!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So what you're saying, is your country lacks anti workplace discrimination and harrassment laws?

Yup. And we wonder why America companies can't send their jobs overseas fast enough. Guess we're just too entitled, thinking we should have rights and regulations that make us too expensive.

[Eireann]

Oh, there are such laws here (and it's not my country; I moved here several years ago).

The thing is, this country is just not up to speed on women's rights. The idea that a woman can object to inappropriate behavior is foreign to far too many people. And even though a sexual harassment law is on the books, I have yet to hear of a woman bringing an accusation of sexual harassment against her employer/manager. As far as I can see, the definition of sexual harassment here is the kind most people think of when they hear the term - inappropriate touching, innuendo, propositioning, and threats of what may happen to the woman's job if she doesn't submit.

This is another kind of sexual harassment. And it's not one that even I would have thought of. It's about being treated as a lesser worker because I'm a woman. I'm my manager's doormat because he's under a lot of stress, and I'm a woman. I don't stand up to him, and he's one of those people who think that not standing up for yourself means that you're weak. If I did stand up for myself, well, he'd love it. He would have the fight he's been trying to pick for so long. He's The Guy, and though he doesn't have a problem with women being in the workplace or in politics, etc., I'm convinced that he sees himself as superior to women. As I said before, he doesn't treat the men the way he treats me (or other women). If I were to go to HR and tell them about it, I doubt that they would take it seriously. If I simply used the word "harassment", that might go over better.

But.

My manager is a popular guy here. As far as I know, no complaints have ever been made about him. He has many friends in the company. He goes out drinking with them. And for lunch. He's efficient. He knows his job. And me? The one who makes all these mistakes, even after having been with the company for so long? Bringing a complaint against Mr. Popularity? I have the sinking feeling that they'd just think I was trying to divert attention from all my screwups by pointing the finger at him. Or that I was blaming him for my errors.

I've tried telling him, calmly, that I simply don't work in the same way as his favorite employees (all men) work. I don't learn the same way they do. I don't retain information the same way. And what happened? He just blew it off. I fully believe that he is incapable of even entertaining the idea that different people learn in different ways. That's one of his blind spots. Hell, it's a HUGE blind spot, because a good manager needs to be aware of this fact, to accept it, and to work with it.

I finally realized that if I were in a position where I was in charge of hiring people, and my current manager applied for a job, I'd trash his application. He's almost incredibly skilled at this particular job - all the learning required - and he's good about people needing time off, especially for health issues. He'll ask about your weekend and your vacation. He's sat with me to explain various facets of the job several times.

He also needs to realize that he can't take out his stress on his employees. He needs to see how unfair it is to play favorites. He needs to see that he isn't helping anyone by asking rhetorical questions or heaping stress on that person. The more he criticizes me, the more nervous I get. The more nervous I get, the more I doubt my abilities. The more nervous and doubtful I get, the more mistakes I make. The more mistakes I make, the more he criticizes me. It just doesn't end. I do much better when I'm relaxed, but every time he says my name, I tense up, expecting criticism. I also hate the way he tends to whine at me - literally, whine - when I make a mistake.

One very good thing about this country is that there is no such thing as your manager firing you if s/he doesn't like you. Termination of employment has very strict regulations, and you can't fire someone unless you have just cause. I've been here long enough that they would have to have a very good reason. I show up on time, I leave on time, I work extra hours when I'm asked, I let him know if I'm going to be late, I plan my vacation time months in advance, and I don't do any shit like backstabbing, spreading rumors, blowing up at my coworkers, etc.

I've been blaming myself for this situation for a long time. I finally came to see that I've been playing the victim for years - not just here, but in various work and personal situations. I've dealt before with people who took advantage of me, and I let them. I've been afraid of my manager since day one, knowing that it was in his power to fire me. I was terrified that I wouldn't make it past the three-month probation period. The trouble with playing the victim is that you'll always find someone to take on the role of oppressor. And that's what has happened here. (I once had a manager who was a true shitstain, and made my current manager look like Gandhi by comparison. The pressure that manager put me under was unbelievable.)

So I'm working on this whole victimhood problem, since I don't plan to carry it into my future. I want this job to be the last shit job I ever have.