New Store Policies (I wish)

[Bike_Wrench]

Attention customers!

Due to rising costs our shop must institute the following cost increases and surcharges.

-Once repairs are taken in, any calls made to inquire about the status of the repair will incur a $5 additional charge per call. This is to cover time lost by the mechanic ceasing work on the present repair, wiping grease off hands, answering the phone and then resuming the repair.

-Showing up in person to inquire about the status of a repair will incur an additional charge of $15. This is to cover the mechanic dropping the repair, averaged non-essential idle chattering, digestive difficulties resulting from luncheon interruptions, mental anguish and the pain and suffering due to dealing with the impatient and those with difficulty remembering that we said we'd call when it was complete.

-Asking for a discount on brand new bicycles will automatically void any offers of discounts. If the salesman offers it to close a sale, then the offer is valid, but if you ask, it's no longer a gift and hurts their feelings. We need them to feel validated, not used.

-When an item is marked at a certain percentage discount, asking the service personnel to calculate the discount and add tax in their heads instead of doing it yourself will incur the exact price increase that the discount was. If they're smarter than you like mathematicians, scientists and doctors, then they deserve to be paid accordingly.

-Any unmarked items are not for sale and are mere decorations. If you absolutely must know and a salesperson has to look it up, a 20% non-refundable deposit will be required to cover their time, regardless of whether you purchase the item or not.

-Directions to a competitor's store are a flat rate of $7.50.

-Purchases made after the official hours of business will incur a 50% price increase for employee overtime, explanation to spouses as to why they were late, lost beer drinking time, cold dinners and missed televised events. Watch the clock folks.

-"Just browsing" will now require a $5 admission fee. This fee will be refunded if no merchandise has been disturbed and all is put back into the exact same spot it was initially placed.

-Children riding bikes in the store is now allowed, but will be considered a rental charged by the minute.

[bigpedaler]

GOOD LIST!

May I add....

-Children riding bikes around the store, not supervised directly by you, will result in a minimum 1-hour child-care fee of $25.
-Asking "does this bike come in any other color?" when we have three on display ALL THE SAME COLOR will result in a $100 mental-health fee for the salesman, who will need to degauss his brainpan after answering that one 800 times.
-You agree, by entering our store, to waive any right to litigious damages or prosecution of our associates when you are over heard saying one of these sentences:
-"This $64 bike is a pretty good bike!" (Good, or perfect, $64 bikes don't EXIST!)
-"This paint has a scratch in it. Do you have another one in back?" (NO! We have 2-3 other ones right here!)
-"There's nothing wrong with it, I just want to return it." (Then WTF did you f'n BUY it for?)
-"No, I don't want it fixed -- what happens if it goes bad again? I just want another one." (Hel-LO?!? STOO-PID! Factory 'glitches', once found and fixed, are NOT the first thing to go wrong again!)
Said overhearing will result in vigorous slapping of the back of your head.

(I just LOVE building/fixing metallic sewage -- as of last count, 51 punctured tubes before sale of the bike! 3 uselessly bent forks! 4 tires that blew out THROUGH THE TREAD!)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

GOOD LIST!

May I add....

-Children riding bikes around the store, not supervised directly by you, will result in a minimum 1-hour child-care fee of $25.

I prefer "Children riding bikes around the store will go flying through the plate glass front windows when a staff member jams a stick/rod in the spokes and it hits the fork."

But there are several things wrong with me. Also it might ruin the bike.

I swear this may be the only way to keep those brats from riding the damn things. It's fun dodging some over-caffeinated punk tearing down the aisle making an obstacle course out of all the displayers and power fixtures down the middle of the aisles. Really it is.

[Jay 2K Winger]

I prefer "Children riding bikes around the store will go flying through the plate glass front windows when a staff member jams a stick/rod in the spokes and it hits the fork."

But there are several things wrong with me. Also it might ruin the bike.

I swear this may be the only way to keep those brats from riding the damn things. It's fun dodging some over-caffeinated punk tearing down the aisle making an obstacle course out of all the displayers and power fixtures down the middle of the aisles. Really it is.

There's a reason why our store kept the bicycles (when we sold them) on a HIGH shelf that was NOT easy to climb up to, and as such, not possible to get said bikes off of. Also why we didn't keep a floor model out for Razor scooters, and why the ATV/dune buggy model is on a HIGH shelf up in the steel where you can't get to it.

Our office chair models don't have the wheels attached to the bottom, because too many people were racing each other down the aisles on them.

Hell, now I think about it, we used to sell those moonbounce things, and when we first carried them, we set up a floor model RIGHT NEXT TO THE FRONT DOOR. Yours Truly routinely put signs up saying "DO NOT ENTER" and even put duct tape across the flaps that let you inside. And we'd still get kids who would crawl in there and start jumping around. Parents would get mad because we'd say they're not allowed to play in there. "It's okay, I'm keeping an eye on them." "No, it's not okay. Because if we let your kids play in there, then we have to let EVERYONE'S kids play in there, and then we'll have to station one, maybe two, people down here to monitor it, and we'll have a whole new slew of problems to deal with. So please, take your kid out of there."

We ended up moving the thing to sit atop the high-value cage by the service desk, well out of reach of little kids.

Sigh. People.

[bigpedaler]

Yup -- it WOULD ruin the bike; and since they'd bring to me to fix, I don't wanna do that.

Love the bikes that look like motocrossers; found one once in the infants section, half the store away. Just parked & left....

POLITELY told a kid once that he couldn't ride the bikes in the store -- from TWO AISLES OVER, his father came belligerently stomping over, demanding to know why I spoke to his child, and told me in no uncertain terms that if I have a problem, to speak to HIM, not his child. All I could do to NOT reply, "Then keep your kid under your fat ass so someone else knows whose kid he is!"

General Store Policy Revision #1:

Any disagreeable attitude demonstrated by you, the customer, WILL result in your painful and forcible eviction from our premises. Your medical bills to have the proctologist retrieve our shoe(s) will be paid by you.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

There's a reason why our store kept the bicycles (when we sold them) on a HIGH shelf that was NOT easy to climb up to, and as such, not possible to get said bikes off of. Also why we didn't keep a floor model out for Razor scooters, and why the ATV/dune buggy model is on a HIGH shelf up in the steel where you can't get to it.

Our office chair models don't have the wheels attached to the bottom, because too many people were racing each other down the aisles on them.

Some of our stores mount the bikes on a wall display. Mine is not one of them. For one thing, we don't have the space to do it.

Leaving the wheels off the office chair displays is a good idea but I doubt it would fly since corporate wants us to sell the displays of those when they go on clearance and if we were to put the wheels someplace for future purchase, they'd almost certainly get lost.

[daleduke17]

Any disagreeable attitude demonstrated by you, the customer, WILL result in your painful and forcible eviction from our premises. Your medical bills to have the proctologist retrieve our shoe(s) will be paid by you.

You will also be charged for the purchase of new shoes for whichever staff member lost their shoes during the progression of the dealing with you, the former customer.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Oh, I forgot to tell the story about the Chopper bike.

A few years ago, when Orange County Choppers and American Chopper were the biggest fad going, corporate brought in a chopper bike for us to sell.

Mechanically, it was your standard, basic bicycle, but styled like a chopper motorcycle, and much much heavier than a regular bicycle. Those things were a pain in the ass to haul downstairs from upstairs when one sold.

We had out display bike built and put on the floor, and I swear it was in three accidents in less than a week. Little brats would pass by and see the bike, think "ZOMG KEWL MUST RIDE" hop on, start riding around the back of the store, discover the bike was much heavier than their BMX or mountain bike at home and nowhere near as maneuverable, crash into something sending merchandise, peghooks, shelves, and so forth tumbling to the ground, ditch the bike, and run.

And then we got to clean up after them.

Store manager wanted to requisition a bike lock and secure the chopper bike to the telephone pole over by bikes, but corporate said no. That's not the image we want to provide to customers. We've already got signs up by the bikes urging people not to ride them, so all that needs to happen is the employees need to be more watchful and tell people to get off the bikes if they're riding them around the store.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Leaving the wheels off the office chair displays is a good idea but I doubt it would fly since corporate wants us to sell the displays of those when they go on clearance and if we were to put the wheels someplace for future purchase, they'd almost certainly get lost.

Yeah... good point, but we at least keep all that crap (wheels, etc.) in a drawer up at the service desk. So at least we made an effort to hold onto them.