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Our Generla manager decided yesterday that they were going to re-employ an old system that we stopped using a long time ago. The queuing system. Basically, we had an LCD TV setup in the middle of the store with a numeric display, some voice over’s and it was connected to both a remote presenter and a massive amplifier. When the sales floor manager pressed the “next” button on the remote it would advance and say “Customer Number ____ to the queuing point” The idea being that a customer would have a ticket, they would be listening to the announcement and they would come back to the queing point (an area in the middle of the sales floor) which would insure a fair system working on the “first come, first serve” basis. The idea works well, but in practice, it never succeeded because management just couldn’t be bothered with the system. Thomas though (GM) is going to make sure it works.
Anyway, for the last year the queuing system stand has been up on top of the digital home centre at the back of the store. We thought it was all connected up and ready to go with the exception of the screen...No.
The following happened yesterday;
GM: Thomas
Me: a Mug
GM: aaah flea. Just the man. I need a technically minded, smart member of staff
Me: Oh god. What horrible task have you got for me?
GM:
nothing too horrible. I want you to take this *Hands me a new, unopened remote presenter* and this *Hands me a USB extension cable* and get the queuing machine back working. Just leave it where it is. If you dangle the USB extension cable just over the top of the wall and connect the receiver for this to it, we should be able to hit it from the sales floor
Me: Okay, fine. Give me an hour and it’ll be done
GM: Adda boy. Hope to it. I’ll check on you in a bit.
So I go to security and get the keys so I can get into the digital home, then the other set for their office so I can get up onto the roof of the digital home. (the ceiling is a false one. It’s just a small setup in the back corner of the store) I’m thinking at thi point “This won’t be so bad. Just set the computer up and we should be away. I’ll set the TV up tomorrow”
I got the keys and climbed up onto the roof of the digital home...that was when I saw just exactly what I had agreed to do. The stand was a complete mess. The TV was lieing, screen downwards on the floor, the computer looked battered to death, the stand wasn’t setup properly and to top it all off, the only part of the digital home’s ceiling that wasn’t boarded over so I could walk on it...Was the part I needed to gain access to.
First thing I do is climb out and hang on to the rail while I edge my way slowly across the ceiling joists so I can reach the laptop and power it up. I kid you not, I was stretched out as far as my arms would hold me, my left arm hanging onto the fixed rail at the top of the steps for dear life, my right arm controlling the computer. I switched the machine on and, to my surprise it fired up and got into windows.
I moved over and stood on the board that the stand was on so I could connect the amp which, for whatever reason, had been disconnected. I connected that and tested the sound with an MP3 track. Nickeback – Photograph. “Look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me la-” ...that was it, no more sound. So I fiddle with the amp and I eventually work out that my wiring is okay, and the amp is working because I connected my MP3 player to it and was listening to my music with it on it’s lowest setting. It must be the computer. The desktop on there was such a mess that the software & drivers must be screwed. So I find the file that has the slides and voices, back it up to my USB stick and start the computers system recovery. After an hour recovering the computer, the sound STILL doesn’t work. The sound card is nailed...Bollocks. So I look over and I see Thomas
Me: TOMMO!
GM: *Looks around, lost*
Me: Up Here!
GM: *Looks up* Oh. There you are. You hit a wall already?
Me: Yeah, sound card’s nailed. Can we write off a decent computer? Needs atleast 2GB of RAM (since all our machines run Windows Vista now) and a line out socket
GM: Fine. Leave the TV until tomorrow when 2 of you can do it.
Me: was going to anyway
GM: Damn techies! You’re all slackers. Hows it going up there?
Me: Fine except the laptop’s nailed.
So off he goes and gets me a nice, new, Toshiba laptop which I sit there and play with while I set it up.
So I got the vocals working over the amp, but with one hitch. If you turn the amp up above 1/2 way, the thing cuts out. No problem, because I got one of the sales staff to go over the other side of the store and see if she could hear it, she could so that’s fine.
So, today comes...
I’m just finishing off my paperwork for the morning to start, and there is the familiar sound of the shutters coming up to let the one customer who was waiting outside in. Thomas comes out of the office
GM: Flea, where’s Ade?
Me: Hmm? In there, I think *Points to the Tech closet and throws my daily filing envelope into a tote bin*
Ade: *Walks out of the closet*
GM: Ah, right. I want you two to do whatever it takes and get that queuing system going today. TV and a bracket are already up there, you just need to mount it and get it going. I don’t want no excuses, because if you guys can’t do it, I’ll get up there, do it myself and prove you a pair of numpties
Ade: Ah. Cheers Tommo. C’Mon, Botch. Go get the keys to the digital home.
Anyway, we made our way up there with a tool box and started to look at what was what. Ade had never been up there before so the fact he was having to climb about on the ceiling joists for the part we needed to be working in. “For fuck sake. I’mna break my fucking neck here. Rekon he’ll let us off installing it if we use the excuse that we fell through the ceiling and were both hospitalised?”
Me: Nah. That would involve actually falling through the ceiling. No thanks.
So, first job was to get a bracket mounted to the stand. This was a harder task than you would think because the bracket we were given was right for the TV, but not for the stand, it was about 5mm too small so Ade hands me a hammer
Ade: Here y’am, botch. Twat the bastard
Me: uh?
Ade: Hit the fucker.
Me: you want me to bend the bracket with the hammer?
Ade: Yeah, Man. We’m just gonna bend them until they fit
Me: so in other words, you want me to bash it until it works?
Ade: Yeah
Me: I can see this ending badly *starts whacking the bracket with a hammer*
Trouble was, because of where we were, right by the air conditioning in-take, the noise was shooting through the duct work and making a racket all around the store.
Every store on our retail park has these low-range radios. The electrical store across the road from us is the same company as we are so we tend to use them to arrange stock swaps but they are supposed to be used for security alerts on the retail park. What I didn’t realise was I had caught the Push-to-Talk button briefly on my radio. Next thing I hear, once I release the button is;
[Electrical store] to [Our store] Over?
Me: Go Ahead
Electrical Store: What was that?
Me: What was what?
Electrical store: Loud banging noise. Didn’t you guys here it?
Me: Oh...yeah...we were making it
Electrical Store: Wha...what the FUCK are you guys doing?!
Me: Mounting a telly
Electrical store: With what? A hammer?!
Me: Yup
Next: Next to [Our store]
Me: Go ahead, Next
Next: Yeah, we could hear it too. Fuck sake, you’re loud
Ikea: Ikea to all...yeah, we could hear it aswell
Me: Yeah, thanks guys. Anybody else want a go? Furnature Village? SCS? B&Q...you got anything to say?
By now, I can see everybody in our store who isn’t with a customer is listening to their radio
B&Q: B&Q responding. Over
Me: *Sigh* Go ahead
B&Q: We’re 300 yards away from you and we could hear the banging WITHOUT the radios...did you buy your tools from us?
Me: *Looks at the hammer* Yeah, it says B&Q on it
B&Q: Thats Okay then. B&Q out
Ikea: Ikea out
Next: Next out
Electrical store: Electrical store out
Me: Thank you for your really helpful input guys *sarcastic voice*
Unknown: *Laughter over the airwaves
Ade: You bin causing trouble for the other stores, Flea?
Me: har har, tosser! :-P
Sales floor manager: SFM to Flea
Me: Go ahead
SFM: Damn, that was loud
Me: I know
The thing is, we actually managed to bash the shit of the brackets until they fitted. Thing is that when we got the TV mounted, we had bent the brackets so badly that the TV was held at about 45 degrees to how it should be
Know how we resolved this? We held a big plasma screen up...with cable ties. When it came to using the cable ties to tie up cables...nah, we won’t use those...we used Nails
2 days later;
GM: so, how did you pair get that TV up in the end?
Ade: 4 screws, a million cable ties, a bracket that doesn;t fit properly and a hammer
GM: You are kidding?
Me: Nope
Ade: neither of us are engineers
GM: Flea has taken engineering
Me: yeah, and It’ll hold
GM: who’s head is it gonna be if it falls?
Me: Yours Your store
GM: Urg. Marvellious. Thank you SO much, boys
Both: Welcome
Want to know the astounding thing? The TV is still there. 28 ft in the air
Anyway, for the last year the queuing system stand has been up on top of the digital home centre at the back of the store. We thought it was all connected up and ready to go with the exception of the screen...No.
The following happened yesterday;
GM: Thomas
Me: a Mug
GM: aaah flea. Just the man. I need a technically minded, smart member of staff
Me: Oh god. What horrible task have you got for me?
GM:
nothing too horrible. I want you to take this *Hands me a new, unopened remote presenter* and this *Hands me a USB extension cable* and get the queuing machine back working. Just leave it where it is. If you dangle the USB extension cable just over the top of the wall and connect the receiver for this to it, we should be able to hit it from the sales floorMe: Okay, fine. Give me an hour and it’ll be done
GM: Adda boy. Hope to it. I’ll check on you in a bit.
So I go to security and get the keys so I can get into the digital home, then the other set for their office so I can get up onto the roof of the digital home. (the ceiling is a false one. It’s just a small setup in the back corner of the store) I’m thinking at thi point “This won’t be so bad. Just set the computer up and we should be away. I’ll set the TV up tomorrow”
I got the keys and climbed up onto the roof of the digital home...that was when I saw just exactly what I had agreed to do. The stand was a complete mess. The TV was lieing, screen downwards on the floor, the computer looked battered to death, the stand wasn’t setup properly and to top it all off, the only part of the digital home’s ceiling that wasn’t boarded over so I could walk on it...Was the part I needed to gain access to.
First thing I do is climb out and hang on to the rail while I edge my way slowly across the ceiling joists so I can reach the laptop and power it up. I kid you not, I was stretched out as far as my arms would hold me, my left arm hanging onto the fixed rail at the top of the steps for dear life, my right arm controlling the computer. I switched the machine on and, to my surprise it fired up and got into windows.
I moved over and stood on the board that the stand was on so I could connect the amp which, for whatever reason, had been disconnected. I connected that and tested the sound with an MP3 track. Nickeback – Photograph. “Look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me la-” ...that was it, no more sound. So I fiddle with the amp and I eventually work out that my wiring is okay, and the amp is working because I connected my MP3 player to it and was listening to my music with it on it’s lowest setting. It must be the computer. The desktop on there was such a mess that the software & drivers must be screwed. So I find the file that has the slides and voices, back it up to my USB stick and start the computers system recovery. After an hour recovering the computer, the sound STILL doesn’t work. The sound card is nailed...Bollocks. So I look over and I see Thomas
Me: TOMMO!
GM: *Looks around, lost*
Me: Up Here!
GM: *Looks up* Oh. There you are. You hit a wall already?
Me: Yeah, sound card’s nailed. Can we write off a decent computer? Needs atleast 2GB of RAM (since all our machines run Windows Vista now) and a line out socket
GM: Fine. Leave the TV until tomorrow when 2 of you can do it.
Me: was going to anyway
GM: Damn techies! You’re all slackers. Hows it going up there?
Me: Fine except the laptop’s nailed.
So off he goes and gets me a nice, new, Toshiba laptop which I sit there and play with while I set it up.
So I got the vocals working over the amp, but with one hitch. If you turn the amp up above 1/2 way, the thing cuts out. No problem, because I got one of the sales staff to go over the other side of the store and see if she could hear it, she could so that’s fine.
So, today comes...
I’m just finishing off my paperwork for the morning to start, and there is the familiar sound of the shutters coming up to let the one customer who was waiting outside in. Thomas comes out of the office
GM: Flea, where’s Ade?
Me: Hmm? In there, I think *Points to the Tech closet and throws my daily filing envelope into a tote bin*
Ade: *Walks out of the closet*
GM: Ah, right. I want you two to do whatever it takes and get that queuing system going today. TV and a bracket are already up there, you just need to mount it and get it going. I don’t want no excuses, because if you guys can’t do it, I’ll get up there, do it myself and prove you a pair of numpties
Ade: Ah. Cheers Tommo. C’Mon, Botch. Go get the keys to the digital home.
Anyway, we made our way up there with a tool box and started to look at what was what. Ade had never been up there before so the fact he was having to climb about on the ceiling joists for the part we needed to be working in. “For fuck sake. I’mna break my fucking neck here. Rekon he’ll let us off installing it if we use the excuse that we fell through the ceiling and were both hospitalised?”
Me: Nah. That would involve actually falling through the ceiling. No thanks.
So, first job was to get a bracket mounted to the stand. This was a harder task than you would think because the bracket we were given was right for the TV, but not for the stand, it was about 5mm too small so Ade hands me a hammer
Ade: Here y’am, botch. Twat the bastard
Me: uh?
Ade: Hit the fucker.
Me: you want me to bend the bracket with the hammer?
Ade: Yeah, Man. We’m just gonna bend them until they fit
Me: so in other words, you want me to bash it until it works?
Ade: Yeah
Me: I can see this ending badly *starts whacking the bracket with a hammer*
Trouble was, because of where we were, right by the air conditioning in-take, the noise was shooting through the duct work and making a racket all around the store.
Every store on our retail park has these low-range radios. The electrical store across the road from us is the same company as we are so we tend to use them to arrange stock swaps but they are supposed to be used for security alerts on the retail park. What I didn’t realise was I had caught the Push-to-Talk button briefly on my radio. Next thing I hear, once I release the button is;
[Electrical store] to [Our store] Over?
Me: Go Ahead
Electrical Store: What was that?
Me: What was what?
Electrical store: Loud banging noise. Didn’t you guys here it?
Me: Oh...yeah...we were making it
Electrical Store: Wha...what the FUCK are you guys doing?!
Me: Mounting a telly
Electrical store: With what? A hammer?!
Me: Yup
Next: Next to [Our store]
Me: Go ahead, Next
Next: Yeah, we could hear it too. Fuck sake, you’re loud
Ikea: Ikea to all...yeah, we could hear it aswell
Me: Yeah, thanks guys. Anybody else want a go? Furnature Village? SCS? B&Q...you got anything to say?
By now, I can see everybody in our store who isn’t with a customer is listening to their radio
B&Q: B&Q responding. Over
Me: *Sigh* Go ahead
B&Q: We’re 300 yards away from you and we could hear the banging WITHOUT the radios...did you buy your tools from us?
Me: *Looks at the hammer* Yeah, it says B&Q on it
B&Q: Thats Okay then. B&Q out
Ikea: Ikea out
Next: Next out
Electrical store: Electrical store out
Me: Thank you for your really helpful input guys *sarcastic voice*
Unknown: *Laughter over the airwaves
Ade: You bin causing trouble for the other stores, Flea?
Me: har har, tosser! :-P
Sales floor manager: SFM to Flea
Me: Go ahead
SFM: Damn, that was loud
Me: I know
The thing is, we actually managed to bash the shit of the brackets until they fitted. Thing is that when we got the TV mounted, we had bent the brackets so badly that the TV was held at about 45 degrees to how it should be
Know how we resolved this? We held a big plasma screen up...with cable ties. When it came to using the cable ties to tie up cables...nah, we won’t use those...we used Nails
2 days later;
GM: so, how did you pair get that TV up in the end?
Ade: 4 screws, a million cable ties, a bracket that doesn;t fit properly and a hammer
GM: You are kidding?
Me: Nope
Ade: neither of us are engineers
GM: Flea has taken engineering
Me: yeah, and It’ll hold
GM: who’s head is it gonna be if it falls?
Me: Yours
Your storeGM: Urg. Marvellious. Thank you SO much, boys
Both: Welcome
Want to know the astounding thing? The TV is still there. 28 ft in the air
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