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What We All Wish We Could Say

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  • #16
    Honestly, knowing the SC that I have been exposed to in my life, if I ever owned a business I would so seriously allow my employees to use smart comebacks. I would probably end up with a list posted in the break room of really good ones for my employees to learn and use.
    EVE Online: 99% of the time you sit around waiting for something to happen, but that 1% of action is what hooks people like crack, you don't get interviewed by the BBC for a WoW raid.

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    • #17
      On the bad customer service one, I'd be tempted to do the following:

      Reply: "No, THIS is bad customer service!" *proceed to throw SCs product across the store* "You're a pig. Don't ever step foot in this store again."
      "If we refund your money, give you a free replacement and shoot the manager, then will you be happy?" - sign seen in a restaurant

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      • #18
        I have often wished I could make responses like these >_> And yes, I do mean both in the sense of "being allowed to without losing my job" and "thinking of a response like that, so quickly" ~_~
        Quoth Draco View Post
        "What? Why?"

        "So they can be written up or terminated for defrauding the company. We may also need to press criminal charges."
        Fixed that for ya

        Aaaand an alternate for those who "know the owner/mgr/etc", especially if you ARE the person in question: Ask "Oh? What's her name?" if the owner/etc is a guy, vice versa if they're female. If the response is anything other than "Huh? Wait a second...<name> isn't a...!", you have them dead to rights
        "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
        "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
        "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
        "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
        "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
        "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
        Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
        "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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        • #19
          Quoth dendawg View Post
          This one was from Snopes, but damned if I can find the link now.

          Customer at airline counter: Do you know who I am?

          Counter attendant: Attention, travelers: we have a man at our front counter who does not know who he is. Can someone please come to the counter and help him identify himself?
          That's a script from a Joko Tea television ad from South Africa.
          "Sigh, I'm going to Hell.....but I'm going with a smile on my face." -- Gravekeeper

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          • #20
            Well, you could also allow a response like, "But I thought that..." or "Whatever happened to manager X?"
            Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

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            • #21
              Quoth MoonCat View Post
              This one:

              Customer (said in an extremely snippy voice): Oh, so the big-shots get a free obit, but the regular people have to pay, is that it?

              Me: Yes, sir, that's exactly right. The point being that a famous person's death is noteworthy, while yours is not. Welcome to reality.
              A famous person's death is noteworthy because of who they are, but an ordinary person's death MAY be, depending on whether the manner of their death is newsworthy. Sounds like that customer is looking to get their obituary (not the one they're trying to get put into the paper, but THEIRS) for free.
              Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

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              • #22
                Here's another one.

                "Well, Store X always allows me to use multiple coupons in a transaction" Customer had a stapled stack of $10 off coupons that she wanted to use in one transaction. Our system only allows one per transaction. Plus, I also got very annoyed with her sob story about her gravely ill child. I'm not a unsentimental person, but I really don't care that much about someone else's child. Everyone has their problems, and I really don't care to have people try to out sob story each other. It's especially annoying when you try to have a fundraiser to pay for your kid's medical expenses. Take some responsibility for having a kid later in life and quit playing the kid-with-genetic-illness-caused-by-older-mother card.

                -"Drive 3 hours to Store X and have poor sales clerk at Store X tell you that you can only do one X dollar off per transaction. I know you'll get all huffy and upset at them, but that is their policy, as well as ours. Meanwhile, they'll get a good laugh out of how you tried to con them. It's not bad service - it's store policy to protect our butts against con artists like you."

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                • #23
                  How come you guys never have xxx in the store? And when you do it's expensive?!?

                  It's not my job to order xxx nor do I set the price. I don't even know what xxx is nor do I care for that matter.

                  Where is xxx located?

                  Right in front of you.

                  Do you know where the store xyz is at?

                  Sorry. I'm not mapquest. So I don't know


                  I wish I could say those responses sometimes. Oh how I wish.
                  NEVER underestimate the stupidity of the customer

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                  • #24
                    "Do you know how much newspaper XYZ charges?"

                    No. And I don't care. Why on earth would I give you information about a competitor???
                    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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                    • #25
                      Quoth MoonCat View Post
                      Why on earth would I give you information about a competitor???
                      Bacl at DaddyJim's, far too many custys seemed to think it was a given that we would not only have our competitors' phone numbers, but addresses and approximate delivery areas written down, too o_O

                      We were lucky if we knew the rough delivery zones to our OWN sister stores, let alone the other guys'! O_O
                      "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                      "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                      "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                      "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                      "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                      "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                      Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                      "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        1. Can I have one? (Customers wanting wheelie baskets)

                        - "No, they're just for display".

                        - "Yes, but you must sign over your lives, your bank accounts, and your kids first".

                        - "Yes, but you require a gold plated memebership card".

                        2. "Do you work here?" (While I'm wearing a name tag and obvious store uniform)

                        - "No, I hand out the in-flight peanut snacks at Air Canada"

                        - "No, I work for McDonalds. That'll be $8.95, please have your change ready at the window".

                        - "No. I just pretend that I do"
                        "Any kind of hereditary privilege is wrong, it's not just anti-democracy, it's just like inherent wrong" - Robert Smith

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                        • #27
                          Let me in that bathroom right now or I'm going to piss all over this floor!

                          - The bathroom floor has just been mopped. You could slip hurt yourself, which would be entertaining. Worse than that, you'd also get my floor dirty and I won't have that. As for your threat to relieve yourself right outside the bathroom, try it and you'll be drinking this disinfectant, then mopping up your own mess. Now, we have other bathrooms in the back of the store, and I'm the only janitor here so they're open. And you've been in this store a million times so you know exactly where they are. I'm too busy working to kiss your behind. Right now this bathroom is not safe because the floor is a sliphazard. The other bathroom is waiting, so go, off with you. No I don't want you to go get a CSM because they can't make the floor dry any quicker than I can. I've told you the way things are going to be, so get your hand off your zipper 'cause I don't obey threats, and get to the other bathroom before your 'emergency' gets loose on you. No, I won't change my mind no matter how loudly you shout, and if you don't like it, you can go straight to K-Mart!
                          Last edited by Kristev; 11-13-2012, 02:55 PM.
                          Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

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                          • #28
                            Here is one from a past job that applies here. I used to work in a call center for a state health insurance company. Claims reps would would call up to check on clain status of doctor/hospital bills. The ones from India were the worst. They would call up and ask about a bill on x date. I would give them all the info (we paid x dollars on x date with check number x), then they would say "But did you pay on the claim?" So many times I wanted to climb through the phone and slap the *(#^ out of the other person.

                            Bonus: Then, they would ask my name, so they could note who they talked to. My name is like John, something VERY easy to remember and spell. Not only would they ask me my name, they would ask me to spell it. I always wanted to reply I spell my name j-?-#-$-blue....just to hear the confusion from the other end of the lne. Never did, bt everyone I have ever mentioned that too laughs their ass off at the idea.

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                            • #29
                              Quoth Kristev View Post
                              <SNIP!> No, I won't change my mind no matter how loudly you shout, and if you don't like it, you can go straight to K-Mart!

                              So. Had this one pent up a while Kristev?

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                              • #30
                                "You can't be closed! My watch says it's only 9:55!!"

                                Really? Well, I guess every clock in the store, the one on the computer, and the one on my cell phone must all be wrong, because they don't agree with yours. Tell ya what...I'll stay open until your watch says it's 10:00. However, I will need to get your name and telephone number, since we will need to run the store by your watch from now on. So, the opening crew will be calling you at 4:30 am to make sure they open on time, 'kay?

                                "Why do I need a coupon? I should be able to get the coupon price without the coupon!"

                                Look...if we wanted everyone to get the coupon price all the time, we would just make the coupon price the regular price!

                                I had others, but forgot...

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