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Well, today I put in my notice at Pit of Despair Manufacturing, Inc., because school starts on the 14th and I'll need all the time I can get to look for part-time work. That looks to be a daunting and depressing task in and of itself, and this morning after I got off work I was so worried I couldn't sleep. But... there's a job fair tomorrow, and I contacted my old boss at Motel Hell, and we'll see how it all goes. Meanwhile, I'm trying to look on the bright side.
Here are all the...
People who can go to hell:
1. Evil, Smelly Little Black Lady -- You were my first supervisor and even now, more than five years later, your management style is to respond to everything -- no matter how minor -- by losing your shit and screaming. Didn't matter what -- label machine won't work? Parts have defects? Nobody cleaned the hopper? Water leak? Lose your shit and scream. You're a tyrant and everybody hates you, and it's no wonder your husband divorced you. What frightens me is that he stayed with you long enough to father children. I can't imagine being married to you, what with that temper, that attitude, and the fact that you slosh what must be two gallons of nasty, cheap perfume over yourself every day before work... although it always fails to mask the fug of cigarette smoke you also trail behind you. Please note that I only call you by this nickname to differentiate you from the...
2. Evil, Smelly Little White Lady -- Otherwise known as "Happy Fran," otherwise known as the cheerfullest bitch to ever stalk the earth. You spread sunshine and love like a whore spreads herpes, with your face permanently screwed up into a cat's-ass pucker of distaste, your tendency to bully and belittle anyone in range and not stop until they bully back, and that aroma of cigarette smoke and hatefulness you exude. I never liked you, always hated working with you, and look dearly forward to never having to endure any more of Happy Fran's Sunshine Funtime Plan. You were aware that was what we called your constant bitching, weren't you? You were also aware, weren't you, that you're such a bitch that you ran your own daughter out of the plant? Seriously, that's why she quit and moved to New Jersey -- to get away from you. Good job.
3. Creepy, Muttering Guy -- Never again will I have to come across you in the hallway growling at your shoes, talking back to the break room television until it becomes a full-blown screaming argument, yelling at the water fountain and calling it a bitch and demanding to know why it keeps calling you in the middle of the night. Never again will I have to watch you mutter and twitch and kick lockers, talk to the boxes you're loading, and try not to laugh when you dye your gray hair such a glossy shade of black that it looks like you've wrapped a wet ferret around your head. Then again, I can understand why you are the way you are, because I'd be that way too if I was married to...
4. Liberty Lou -- Your unique name is enough. Everyone knows who you are, you short, dumpy little bitch. And everyone can sympathize with your insane husband because if any of use were married to you, you'd have vanished and been featured on a true crime show decades ago. Your twenty minute expositions on questions that need, at most, a thirty second answer. Your tendency to talk over people. Your circular reasoning and circular logic that go round and round and round, eating up the minutes -- and of course you refuse to ever shut up -- until you exasperate even the plant general manager. Your refusal to ever accept any sort of order from a supervisor and your assured tendency to get even with anyone who finds anything at all wrong with something you've done, some defect you've missed, or the fact that even after all these years here, you still can't enter your dates into the computer correctly. Working with you has been described as like "listening to bad music for twelve hours," and "Filipina water torture." Fuck you. That is all.
5. The Efficiency Weasel, aka "Victor the Unholy" -- Your original job here at Pit of Despair was to wring the most work out of the fewest people and instigate layoffs. People feared you, and with good reason: you have no soul, no compassion, and you can make or break a career with a word, know it, and love it. This is, of course, why you've risen in the ranks and now enjoy a position as plant manager. I remember seeing your requests for bigger bonuses in the short time that I worked in H.R., with your justification being that you increased efficiency so much in the past year (ie, fired so many people) that you deserved a reward. You were, in other words, demanding reward for firing people. Die in a fire, you wretched shit.
6. Ding-Dong -- Your name before you became a legal citizen was much more dignified. The one you chose after sounds ridiculously like "doorbell," which is why people call you what they do behind your back. Most of the time you're innocuous, but when you started that little feud with the other quality guy because he's gay and your faith demands you tell him he'll burn in hell... Well, I lost my respect for you, although I had little left thanks to your tendency to change your mind about the quality standards by the hour, and the fact that whether or not we'll accept a defect depends on what kind of mood you happen to be in at the moment. Boy, I sure did -- not -- love that sense of uncertainty.
7. Esma and Terri -- Members in good standing of the Supper Club, I know it was you who made sure my HIV status got spread around the plant. All around the plant. You made sure to mention it to all the new hires. Gossiping bitches that you are, that's what you talk about when the Supper Club convenes nightly, too. Don't think we can't hear you. Oh, and Esma, you're a slut. We all told you not to fuck that guy from downstairs, but you did it anyway and then bitched about how small his dick was for the next year and a half. Poor dear. It was also you who asked me who I thought was the best-looking guy in the plant, and then went and told him. Thanks to you, I nearly got my ass kicked when he came gunning for me later that night. Fuck you. I hope you choke on your next Supper Club delicacy.
8. Gob -- So called because I came into your office one morning and found you shoveling an enormous breakfast into your fat, open gob. You were my supervisor during that brief time I worked in H.R. and you didn't teach me a single goddamn thing. I had to listen every day to your tales of revenge against your cheating ex-husband, and how you faxed the positive results of his girlfriend's STD test to her job. I had to listen to you talk, every single day, about your badass kids who will likely grow up to be thugs like their father. I'd steal cars too, if it would get me the money it took to get out of your house. I was glad when they replaced your supervisor with the Joyless Chimpanzee and she threw you out on your ass and demoted you to a quality grunt just like me. Enjoy it, and enjoy all the bullshit weighing heavy on your head just like we have to do. You earned it. I've still never forgiven you for screaming at me on the phone for trying to make sure that deal you brokered for me to retain my medical coverage had actually gone through. If you hadn't decided to take an extra day off that week, I wouldn't have had to.
9. Ugly, Fat Whore -- You slut. You fucked your supervisor to get where you are, you had no compunctions at all about stepping on people on your way up the corporate ladder, and you're a vicious tyrant. Everyone hates and fears you, and that's just the way you want it. People have requested transfers to other shifts just to get away from you. But, knowing Pit of Despair, you'll be up there right alongside Victor the Unholy in a year's time.
10. Lil' Donny Derp-Derp -- I don't care what you did for your girl. I know what didn't do for her, and who she's fucking as a result. I think it will all come out because she's an idiot who brings her tricks into the house and takes them camping along with her retarded children. The only reason things haven't come to light yet is because you're an even bigger idiot than she is. Bottom line, I'm sick of your pointless stories and your bragging. If you had held half the important, high security clearance government jobs you say you have, they'd be making movies about you, but no... you're just a sad pathological liar with bad teeth and a stupid hairdo.
*Pant, pant...*
And now for...
People who I will actually miss:
1. Blue -- Unrepentant and cheerful whoremonger... Everybody calls you Blue because your skin is so black it has bluish tints, which I thought was weird at first. Your tales of fucking in New York's Central Park were amusing. How on earth did you get away with it, up in a tree, of all places? And was it ten or was it eleven kids you have scattered all over the world? Girlfriend in every port, right? Man, we sure had some good times...
2. Boobs -- There's just no way around it. When you wear an F Cup, when you're rounding a corner or coming down a hall, people are going to see those boobs long before they see the rest of you. I don't know how you do it, doing to school and working at Pit of Despair... We've talked about it, but I still just don't see how. I couldn't, which is why I'll have to quit. Maybe one day we'll work together. I'll be investigating child abuse, and you'll have been the one who took the x-rays of their broken bones.
3. Huggles -- You're a great friend, and I really hope I'll see you at church again sometime, although I'll politely pass on your offer to show me your "little lady," seeing as how I did manage to find some pics of my porn shoot to show you. I know, I know it's only fair, but I'm good... No need. Don't have anymore nervous breakdowns, ok?
4. Fang -- It meant the world to me when you showed up at my dad's visitation, and we had a blast talking about the world situation. Sorry things aren't going well for you, but I hope that changes, although I think you kind of brought it on yourself... Try to convince your kids to stop being useless before it's too late!
5. Red Carl -- We had a blast talking about how awful this place is. Hope that teaching job comes through for ya! Oh, and you make one HELL of a pizza.
Here are all the...
People who can go to hell:
1. Evil, Smelly Little Black Lady -- You were my first supervisor and even now, more than five years later, your management style is to respond to everything -- no matter how minor -- by losing your shit and screaming. Didn't matter what -- label machine won't work? Parts have defects? Nobody cleaned the hopper? Water leak? Lose your shit and scream. You're a tyrant and everybody hates you, and it's no wonder your husband divorced you. What frightens me is that he stayed with you long enough to father children. I can't imagine being married to you, what with that temper, that attitude, and the fact that you slosh what must be two gallons of nasty, cheap perfume over yourself every day before work... although it always fails to mask the fug of cigarette smoke you also trail behind you. Please note that I only call you by this nickname to differentiate you from the...
2. Evil, Smelly Little White Lady -- Otherwise known as "Happy Fran," otherwise known as the cheerfullest bitch to ever stalk the earth. You spread sunshine and love like a whore spreads herpes, with your face permanently screwed up into a cat's-ass pucker of distaste, your tendency to bully and belittle anyone in range and not stop until they bully back, and that aroma of cigarette smoke and hatefulness you exude. I never liked you, always hated working with you, and look dearly forward to never having to endure any more of Happy Fran's Sunshine Funtime Plan. You were aware that was what we called your constant bitching, weren't you? You were also aware, weren't you, that you're such a bitch that you ran your own daughter out of the plant? Seriously, that's why she quit and moved to New Jersey -- to get away from you. Good job.
3. Creepy, Muttering Guy -- Never again will I have to come across you in the hallway growling at your shoes, talking back to the break room television until it becomes a full-blown screaming argument, yelling at the water fountain and calling it a bitch and demanding to know why it keeps calling you in the middle of the night. Never again will I have to watch you mutter and twitch and kick lockers, talk to the boxes you're loading, and try not to laugh when you dye your gray hair such a glossy shade of black that it looks like you've wrapped a wet ferret around your head. Then again, I can understand why you are the way you are, because I'd be that way too if I was married to...
4. Liberty Lou -- Your unique name is enough. Everyone knows who you are, you short, dumpy little bitch. And everyone can sympathize with your insane husband because if any of use were married to you, you'd have vanished and been featured on a true crime show decades ago. Your twenty minute expositions on questions that need, at most, a thirty second answer. Your tendency to talk over people. Your circular reasoning and circular logic that go round and round and round, eating up the minutes -- and of course you refuse to ever shut up -- until you exasperate even the plant general manager. Your refusal to ever accept any sort of order from a supervisor and your assured tendency to get even with anyone who finds anything at all wrong with something you've done, some defect you've missed, or the fact that even after all these years here, you still can't enter your dates into the computer correctly. Working with you has been described as like "listening to bad music for twelve hours," and "Filipina water torture." Fuck you. That is all.
5. The Efficiency Weasel, aka "Victor the Unholy" -- Your original job here at Pit of Despair was to wring the most work out of the fewest people and instigate layoffs. People feared you, and with good reason: you have no soul, no compassion, and you can make or break a career with a word, know it, and love it. This is, of course, why you've risen in the ranks and now enjoy a position as plant manager. I remember seeing your requests for bigger bonuses in the short time that I worked in H.R., with your justification being that you increased efficiency so much in the past year (ie, fired so many people) that you deserved a reward. You were, in other words, demanding reward for firing people. Die in a fire, you wretched shit.
6. Ding-Dong -- Your name before you became a legal citizen was much more dignified. The one you chose after sounds ridiculously like "doorbell," which is why people call you what they do behind your back. Most of the time you're innocuous, but when you started that little feud with the other quality guy because he's gay and your faith demands you tell him he'll burn in hell... Well, I lost my respect for you, although I had little left thanks to your tendency to change your mind about the quality standards by the hour, and the fact that whether or not we'll accept a defect depends on what kind of mood you happen to be in at the moment. Boy, I sure did -- not -- love that sense of uncertainty.
7. Esma and Terri -- Members in good standing of the Supper Club, I know it was you who made sure my HIV status got spread around the plant. All around the plant. You made sure to mention it to all the new hires. Gossiping bitches that you are, that's what you talk about when the Supper Club convenes nightly, too. Don't think we can't hear you. Oh, and Esma, you're a slut. We all told you not to fuck that guy from downstairs, but you did it anyway and then bitched about how small his dick was for the next year and a half. Poor dear. It was also you who asked me who I thought was the best-looking guy in the plant, and then went and told him. Thanks to you, I nearly got my ass kicked when he came gunning for me later that night. Fuck you. I hope you choke on your next Supper Club delicacy.
8. Gob -- So called because I came into your office one morning and found you shoveling an enormous breakfast into your fat, open gob. You were my supervisor during that brief time I worked in H.R. and you didn't teach me a single goddamn thing. I had to listen every day to your tales of revenge against your cheating ex-husband, and how you faxed the positive results of his girlfriend's STD test to her job. I had to listen to you talk, every single day, about your badass kids who will likely grow up to be thugs like their father. I'd steal cars too, if it would get me the money it took to get out of your house. I was glad when they replaced your supervisor with the Joyless Chimpanzee and she threw you out on your ass and demoted you to a quality grunt just like me. Enjoy it, and enjoy all the bullshit weighing heavy on your head just like we have to do. You earned it. I've still never forgiven you for screaming at me on the phone for trying to make sure that deal you brokered for me to retain my medical coverage had actually gone through. If you hadn't decided to take an extra day off that week, I wouldn't have had to.
9. Ugly, Fat Whore -- You slut. You fucked your supervisor to get where you are, you had no compunctions at all about stepping on people on your way up the corporate ladder, and you're a vicious tyrant. Everyone hates and fears you, and that's just the way you want it. People have requested transfers to other shifts just to get away from you. But, knowing Pit of Despair, you'll be up there right alongside Victor the Unholy in a year's time.
10. Lil' Donny Derp-Derp -- I don't care what you did for your girl. I know what didn't do for her, and who she's fucking as a result. I think it will all come out because she's an idiot who brings her tricks into the house and takes them camping along with her retarded children. The only reason things haven't come to light yet is because you're an even bigger idiot than she is. Bottom line, I'm sick of your pointless stories and your bragging. If you had held half the important, high security clearance government jobs you say you have, they'd be making movies about you, but no... you're just a sad pathological liar with bad teeth and a stupid hairdo.
*Pant, pant...*
And now for...
People who I will actually miss:
1. Blue -- Unrepentant and cheerful whoremonger... Everybody calls you Blue because your skin is so black it has bluish tints, which I thought was weird at first. Your tales of fucking in New York's Central Park were amusing. How on earth did you get away with it, up in a tree, of all places? And was it ten or was it eleven kids you have scattered all over the world? Girlfriend in every port, right? Man, we sure had some good times...
2. Boobs -- There's just no way around it. When you wear an F Cup, when you're rounding a corner or coming down a hall, people are going to see those boobs long before they see the rest of you. I don't know how you do it, doing to school and working at Pit of Despair... We've talked about it, but I still just don't see how. I couldn't, which is why I'll have to quit. Maybe one day we'll work together. I'll be investigating child abuse, and you'll have been the one who took the x-rays of their broken bones.
3. Huggles -- You're a great friend, and I really hope I'll see you at church again sometime, although I'll politely pass on your offer to show me your "little lady," seeing as how I did manage to find some pics of my porn shoot to show you. I know, I know it's only fair, but I'm good... No need. Don't have anymore nervous breakdowns, ok?
4. Fang -- It meant the world to me when you showed up at my dad's visitation, and we had a blast talking about the world situation. Sorry things aren't going well for you, but I hope that changes, although I think you kind of brought it on yourself... Try to convince your kids to stop being useless before it's too late!
5. Red Carl -- We had a blast talking about how awful this place is. Hope that teaching job comes through for ya! Oh, and you make one HELL of a pizza.
You deserve a medal for not ending up in a mental hospital after the first year! Holy hell!
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