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What a doozy of a weekend so far...so much that I already need to post, even though it's not over yet. A little background, there is something going on this weekend...I'm not sure what though. I was off for a few days, and when I came back last night, every hotel was sold out. I don't mean just us and our neighbors, I mean every hotel for about 40 miles in any direction, which meant that we were getting tons of calls last night begging for a room that we just didn't have. Today, while not quite as bad, is pretty close, so most hotels are still out of rooms. I had about 20 when I started tonight, now I'm down to 2. This isn't bad in and of itself, since I'm not oversold, so I haven't had to deal with any BS (nor did I have to do so yesterday), but it's still out there. Let us begin our journey together.
You are in a dark room.
You have been eaten by a grue.
Thump
Important info here: our front doors lock during the night. You can walk out, but to get back in you have to use your key. This is clearly labeled with signs, and there's a house phone right there, so naturally people can't find the intellectual capacity to process even the slightest bit of information. Now, when I'm here, there's supposed to be a motion sensor alarm that warns me someone is outside...but it doesn't work very well, and half the time I don't notice them at all. This is every night, so it's a pain in my ass. That said, for this occasion, the alarm went off and I was looking right at the camera when...
Idiot: *thump*
Yeah, he walked right into the non-opening doors. He then took a step back, gathered himself for the leap directly into the uncharted waters of comprehension...and walked into the fucking doors a second time.
/facepalm
Now, I'll admit, at this point I could have just flicked a switch and made this all go away. It would have taken me zero effort to alleviate this situation, but come on, at the point when you've just walked head-on into a stationary object TWICE, you have just become a social experiment. I found myself unable to even lend the slightest bit of assistance, not because I was unhelpful, or even all that unhappy. It was simply because the entrance to the hotel had become some sort of weird Skinner Box, and I wanted to know how long it would take this pigeon to press a button to receive his cracker. He wandered around the area, in full view of the camera, for a few seconds, then appeared to notice the sign and house phone. He stared at them for a few seconds, moved towards where he would use his card, then turned and walked into the door a third time.
At that exact moment, I distinctly heard the Spirit of Hope say "Ok, fuck this, I give up" and nip off to go shoot itself. The experiment could have continued further, but someone with more than two working brain cells came in, and opened the door themselves for the guy, and my fun ended.
I'm only paid to pretend I care, sir...
...but you're not going to get the full brunt of my affection. This one wasn't really sucky, he just talked too damn much. He was like an abused puppy: when shown the least bit of friendliness, he suddenly attached himself to me and started talking like we were best friends and I simply could not even dredge up a single fuck to give. I don't even remember what he talked about...at some point, I stopped listening and just started doing my work, so nothing sunk in.
The best part was, during the night, he started a story about his work, but I got interrupted and had to help other people, so he wandered off. He then showed back up 90 minutes later, and continued the story from where he left off, but this time I was trapped. Le sigh.
The Door Strikes Back
I got a call from the front desk person at (nearby motel) trying to find a room for a couple since everyone was full, I had a couple left at this point. I put it on hold for her guests, and ask her to warn them about the door, but then I had to leave my own desk to run and do things around the hotel. When this happens, I carry a cordless around so anyone who picks up the phone gets connected to me, including people locked outside. Great!
I hear nothing for a while, but maybe they're slow drivers or something...finally, I get a call.
ONA: Other Night Auditor
Me:
Idiot: Idiot
ONA: Hey, this is (name) from (motel) again...I sent you two people for a room?
Me: Yeah, they haven't shown up yet as far as I know.
ONA: They said the door was locked, so they came back here?
Me: /facepalm...Wow, did you warn them about the door like I asked?
ONA: Oh, I forgot about that...rather, yes, I told them, then forgot about it.
Me: Ah...so did they just see it locked and about face to drive back there?
ONA: Yeah, pretty much.
Me: *Grumble* Well, I still have the room held for them if they want it...just remind them to pick up the dang phone when they hit the locked door this time.
ONA: You're doomed, you know, but I'll try.
Me: Wharrgarbl.
Several minutes later, they finally arrive.
Idiot: Can you discount the room rate any for locking us out the first time we got here?
Me: I talked to ONA, she said she passed on my warning that the door was locked, and to pick up the phone when you got here. It's pretty clearly labeled, so I'm afraid I can't change the rate for that sort of thing.
Idiot: That's unreasonable, man.
Me: That depends on both your definition and perspective, I suppose...still want the room?
Idiot: *Grumble* Yeah.
Oh you adorable little stick of buttercunt chewing laxative, did you really think that was going to work? I spent a good deal of time earlier watching someone play the part of the human battering ram with a great deal of joy in my heart. Why would your complete inability to stop and process that "maybe there's a solution to the door closed thing" thought make me want to give you something for it? I don't reward failure, which means you have to endeavor to do better with me to get something nice at 3am. But hey, you get free breakfast regardless! Now go away.
The Treasured In-Laws, I'm Sure
Ahh, wedding groups. My favorite fucking people. Well, these ones haven't been all that bad, but there are some general hang-ups that I have when I deal with them, specifically regarding how fucking loud they are. Luckily, this wedding group reserved out a meeting space for their dinners and such, so when they got loud, we just asked them to take their party into that area, and all was well.
Well, until an impromptu wrestling match broke out, which naturally escalated from "good natured fun" into "tell mother 'I don't give a fuck'" in rather expected time. As two guys wrestled around, one of their father figures thought it was a fight, and grabbed his not-son around the neck in a choke hold to get him off his son. This being a bit of an aggressive move, it made things escalate. Right in front of the future in-laws.
With a taser and a bullwhip, I could solve so many problems...
Thankfully the fight ended pretty quickly, but not before one of the guys got into a swearing frenzy towards his mother since she had, you know, not been even slightly involved in the matter. Stay classy, my friends.
Not very quickly, no.
As I mentioned before, I carry a cordless phone with me when I walk away from the desk. This is because I'm alone, and I got shit to do, dammit! Now, any house phone (or call to the front desk) rings to me, so all you need to do is reply when I speak into my phone, and I will know what the hell you need. As I walk around the floors tonight, the phone goes off.
Me: (opening spiel)
SC: ......
Me: Hello, are you there?
SC: ...................
Me: ???
SC: (in the distance) Fucking A... *click*
Me:
So I run to the desk as they pick up the phone again, ask them what they need, and I am met with a look from their eyes that, I swear, slaughtered my brain cells en masse until I was able to tear my gaze away. I heard cows mooing in the distance, and the sounds of the ocean playing somewhere nearby. Never before has someone looked at me, and so clearly convinced me that something was seriously, seriously wrong with their continued survival.
SC: Too. Brah. Nuh. St.
Me: I have no idea what you just said.
SC: Tube Rust. Sssssttt!
Me: You need a Toothbrush? (Oh jesus, when did I learn to speak idiot?)
SC: Urggle.
He wasn't even drunk. He was stone stinking sober. Which means this is the way he is all the time. I'm ok with the world ending at this point, I think. Let's do this thing.
Thump Deux
*Thump*
OooooooOOOOooOOOOoooOO!
Experiment time again! This one was even more brilliant...he didn't keep walking into the door, but he did stare at both the sign AND the phone...then picked up his cell phone instead, and called God Knows Who somewhere in the ether of creation. He then stood and had a conversation with whoever it was while continuing to stare at the sign and phone, but he never realized that maybe, just maybe, his salvation was at hand. He burst out into a string of swear words, then stormed out. After slamming his fist, no shit, not 2 inches away from the house phone that he needed to use to open the door.
Now, I realize right now that many of you are wondering why I didn't just help the poor bastard, and the reason is simple: it's a security feature, the door locking. I'm not supposed to open it, because it's there to help keep people who may be risk factors from just being able to stroll in and out of the hotel at will. We do this because the risk of being robbed at the front desk is 100x higher during the graveyard shift, and we get written up for letting people in without verifying why they're here beforehand. So I'm not JUST evil, I'm also following procedure, which I think qualifies me for some sort of supervisor position when I go to hell.
I'm sure there's more, but I can't really remember it all. I'm so sleepy, all I want is for this night to eeeeeeeeeeeend...
You are in a dark room.
You have been eaten by a grue.
Thump
Important info here: our front doors lock during the night. You can walk out, but to get back in you have to use your key. This is clearly labeled with signs, and there's a house phone right there, so naturally people can't find the intellectual capacity to process even the slightest bit of information. Now, when I'm here, there's supposed to be a motion sensor alarm that warns me someone is outside...but it doesn't work very well, and half the time I don't notice them at all. This is every night, so it's a pain in my ass. That said, for this occasion, the alarm went off and I was looking right at the camera when...
Idiot: *thump*
Yeah, he walked right into the non-opening doors. He then took a step back, gathered himself for the leap directly into the uncharted waters of comprehension...and walked into the fucking doors a second time.
/facepalm
Now, I'll admit, at this point I could have just flicked a switch and made this all go away. It would have taken me zero effort to alleviate this situation, but come on, at the point when you've just walked head-on into a stationary object TWICE, you have just become a social experiment. I found myself unable to even lend the slightest bit of assistance, not because I was unhelpful, or even all that unhappy. It was simply because the entrance to the hotel had become some sort of weird Skinner Box, and I wanted to know how long it would take this pigeon to press a button to receive his cracker. He wandered around the area, in full view of the camera, for a few seconds, then appeared to notice the sign and house phone. He stared at them for a few seconds, moved towards where he would use his card, then turned and walked into the door a third time.
At that exact moment, I distinctly heard the Spirit of Hope say "Ok, fuck this, I give up" and nip off to go shoot itself. The experiment could have continued further, but someone with more than two working brain cells came in, and opened the door themselves for the guy, and my fun ended.
I'm only paid to pretend I care, sir...
...but you're not going to get the full brunt of my affection. This one wasn't really sucky, he just talked too damn much. He was like an abused puppy: when shown the least bit of friendliness, he suddenly attached himself to me and started talking like we were best friends and I simply could not even dredge up a single fuck to give. I don't even remember what he talked about...at some point, I stopped listening and just started doing my work, so nothing sunk in.
The best part was, during the night, he started a story about his work, but I got interrupted and had to help other people, so he wandered off. He then showed back up 90 minutes later, and continued the story from where he left off, but this time I was trapped. Le sigh.
The Door Strikes Back
I got a call from the front desk person at (nearby motel) trying to find a room for a couple since everyone was full, I had a couple left at this point. I put it on hold for her guests, and ask her to warn them about the door, but then I had to leave my own desk to run and do things around the hotel. When this happens, I carry a cordless around so anyone who picks up the phone gets connected to me, including people locked outside. Great!
I hear nothing for a while, but maybe they're slow drivers or something...finally, I get a call.
ONA: Other Night Auditor
Me:
Idiot: Idiot
ONA: Hey, this is (name) from (motel) again...I sent you two people for a room?
Me: Yeah, they haven't shown up yet as far as I know.
ONA: They said the door was locked, so they came back here?
Me: /facepalm...Wow, did you warn them about the door like I asked?
ONA: Oh, I forgot about that...rather, yes, I told them, then forgot about it.
Me: Ah...so did they just see it locked and about face to drive back there?
ONA: Yeah, pretty much.
Me: *Grumble* Well, I still have the room held for them if they want it...just remind them to pick up the dang phone when they hit the locked door this time.
ONA: You're doomed, you know, but I'll try.
Me: Wharrgarbl.
Several minutes later, they finally arrive.
Idiot: Can you discount the room rate any for locking us out the first time we got here?
Me: I talked to ONA, she said she passed on my warning that the door was locked, and to pick up the phone when you got here. It's pretty clearly labeled, so I'm afraid I can't change the rate for that sort of thing.
Idiot: That's unreasonable, man.
Me: That depends on both your definition and perspective, I suppose...still want the room?
Idiot: *Grumble* Yeah.
Oh you adorable little stick of buttercunt chewing laxative, did you really think that was going to work? I spent a good deal of time earlier watching someone play the part of the human battering ram with a great deal of joy in my heart. Why would your complete inability to stop and process that "maybe there's a solution to the door closed thing" thought make me want to give you something for it? I don't reward failure, which means you have to endeavor to do better with me to get something nice at 3am. But hey, you get free breakfast regardless! Now go away.
The Treasured In-Laws, I'm Sure
Ahh, wedding groups. My favorite fucking people. Well, these ones haven't been all that bad, but there are some general hang-ups that I have when I deal with them, specifically regarding how fucking loud they are. Luckily, this wedding group reserved out a meeting space for their dinners and such, so when they got loud, we just asked them to take their party into that area, and all was well.
Well, until an impromptu wrestling match broke out, which naturally escalated from "good natured fun" into "tell mother 'I don't give a fuck'" in rather expected time. As two guys wrestled around, one of their father figures thought it was a fight, and grabbed his not-son around the neck in a choke hold to get him off his son. This being a bit of an aggressive move, it made things escalate. Right in front of the future in-laws.
With a taser and a bullwhip, I could solve so many problems...
Thankfully the fight ended pretty quickly, but not before one of the guys got into a swearing frenzy towards his mother since she had, you know, not been even slightly involved in the matter. Stay classy, my friends.
Not very quickly, no.
As I mentioned before, I carry a cordless phone with me when I walk away from the desk. This is because I'm alone, and I got shit to do, dammit! Now, any house phone (or call to the front desk) rings to me, so all you need to do is reply when I speak into my phone, and I will know what the hell you need. As I walk around the floors tonight, the phone goes off.
Me: (opening spiel)
SC: ......
Me: Hello, are you there?
SC: ...................
Me: ???
SC: (in the distance) Fucking A... *click*
Me:
So I run to the desk as they pick up the phone again, ask them what they need, and I am met with a look from their eyes that, I swear, slaughtered my brain cells en masse until I was able to tear my gaze away. I heard cows mooing in the distance, and the sounds of the ocean playing somewhere nearby. Never before has someone looked at me, and so clearly convinced me that something was seriously, seriously wrong with their continued survival.
SC: Too. Brah. Nuh. St.
Me: I have no idea what you just said.
SC: Tube Rust. Sssssttt!
Me: You need a Toothbrush? (Oh jesus, when did I learn to speak idiot?)
SC: Urggle.
He wasn't even drunk. He was stone stinking sober. Which means this is the way he is all the time. I'm ok with the world ending at this point, I think. Let's do this thing.
Thump Deux
*Thump*
OooooooOOOOooOOOOoooOO!
Experiment time again! This one was even more brilliant...he didn't keep walking into the door, but he did stare at both the sign AND the phone...then picked up his cell phone instead, and called God Knows Who somewhere in the ether of creation. He then stood and had a conversation with whoever it was while continuing to stare at the sign and phone, but he never realized that maybe, just maybe, his salvation was at hand. He burst out into a string of swear words, then stormed out. After slamming his fist, no shit, not 2 inches away from the house phone that he needed to use to open the door.
Now, I realize right now that many of you are wondering why I didn't just help the poor bastard, and the reason is simple: it's a security feature, the door locking. I'm not supposed to open it, because it's there to help keep people who may be risk factors from just being able to stroll in and out of the hotel at will. We do this because the risk of being robbed at the front desk is 100x higher during the graveyard shift, and we get written up for letting people in without verifying why they're here beforehand. So I'm not JUST evil, I'm also following procedure, which I think qualifies me for some sort of supervisor position when I go to hell.
I'm sure there's more, but I can't really remember it all. I'm so sleepy, all I want is for this night to eeeeeeeeeeeend...
I need to step up the pace of my rocket research, the projected date for leaving this planet with my sanity intact keeps slipping further and further past the deadline every durn day....
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