These things I cannot do...

[CrazedClerk]

Dear SCs,

Unfortuantely I am not the all seeing, all knowing, all controlling Overlord you make me out to be. There are some things I just cannot do, no matter how much you whine complain, bitch and/or moan. For the record, here are the things I just can't do:

1. I cannot determine with any reasonable certainty that employee X told you whatever on a certain date when no proof of it is in your account. Simply saying "Jim told me I could have free internet on my phone" doesn't mean you will get it and no, I can't call Jim and ask him.

2. I CANNOT TURN YOUR PHONE BACK ON WITH THE FLIP OF A SWITCH! I know you think I have a magic button to instantly restore your service, but regrettably it'll take up to two hours before you can talk to your "peeps" again.

3a. I can't connect you to the person you were talking to before. We have more than one call center and I don't really know or care who's working where.

3b. I can't file a formal report/complaint about "that stupid indian guy" you were talking to before you got to me. He's halfway around the world and that's not in my job description. You'll have to write in to head office for that.

4. I can't magically know what someone else told you. I'm sorry your call dropped, but if the agent you spoke to before left no notes, then yes, you'll have to tell me your whole sob story over again.

5. Yes you DID use the internet/text messaging/overage minutes that appear on your bill. Do you really think you "Accidentally" used internet on 13 different days of your billing cycle?? Sorry, I can't give credits just because you tell me you "never did that stuff".

6. I can't always hear everything the FIRST time. Do not get upset at me if I ask you something again. Either I'm having a hard time hearing you or I'm simply trying to make sure I have the info right and if that makes me incompetent to you, then I guess I'm incompetent.

7. I can't change the fact you've been on hold for 20 minutes/45 minutes/1 hour. I am not God, I can't give you back that hour of your life that you lost. I will help you as quickly and as efficiently as I can, but if you keep complaining about the hold time, this whole process will take even longer.

8. If you do not know the password to the account, I cannot tell you ANYTHING! I don't care if the account holder is your "husband/father/uncle/3rd cousin" and "he told you it was ok". If you don't have the security info, I can't help you.

9. I can't tell you who called you yesterday. Yes I know it sucks but the FCC has particular rules about revealing unbilled info. You can whine and whine and whine, but you won't make me break the law.

So although I know you won't listen to me, I would like you to for a moment think about what a wonderful world it would be if you weren't so sucky and I hope that maybe...just maybe you'll change your ways.

Then I'll go to work tomorrow and find out SCs are here to stay.

[Dave1982]

*slight threadjack*


10. I can't change planograms or set clearance prices to match your definition of "fair" or "right."

11. I can't break the rules because you claim another store did.

12. I can't make UPS show up sooner.

13. I can't take back opened software for a refund.

[myswtghst]

*My Turn!*

14. I can't stop people from giving out the wrong phone number. I'm sorry that I'm not who you need to talk to, but I'm not exactly thrilled to be transferring you either.

15. I cannot help you out with something that isn't in my department. It's too bad that "someone" gave you our 800 number, but I only handle radio and infrastructure equipment, not cell phones.

16. I cannot help it that we are the only department open at this time of night. You do not "need" to get your cell phone repaired at midnight. What you need to do is be a reasonable adult, and call in during normal business hours.

17. I cannot help it that they route calls to me once the other call centers close. I really wish they didn't, as I can't help you, other than to tell you to call back tomorrow. Sorry.

[Best Made Tacos]

Yes, Yes, YES to number 3! I once had an exhange with a customer
that amazed me.

Her: "The last rep was awful, just gave terrible service, and he was an indian guy, I could barely understand him, etc......I want to report him to a manager"

Me: "OK, do you recall the rep's name?"

Her: "No, I don't."

Me: "Well, there's no note on the file showing who served you, so unless you know his name, I can't take that any further. I'm sorry about that. Can you recall even just his first name?"

Her: "No, but could you suggest some of your co-workers names who you think it might be? That could jog my memory!"

Me: *shocked silence*
...
..
"Er, no, ma'am, I don't think that would be ethical."

[powerboy]

18: I cannot change the fact that the shipment has not came in, on its due date. Shit happens, get over it.

19: The price you see, is the Retailers Price, and I am not going to lower it, because you don't want to pay that price for it.

20: Since I work at the shop, it does not mean that I will know exactly what we have. We might have a few products in, that came before I got there.

[Gurndigarn]

21: No, I will not rearrange the crane just for you. Yes, I know I did it three times each of the last four days you came in. There's a reason I'm refusing you now. No, I don't care if you spend lots of money here.

21A: Y'know, part of the skill aspect of coin-op cranes is knowing when a prize is unwinnable. Get over it.

21B: No, I will not trade the prize you won for the one you want. Yes, I know I did it two out of the last four days you came in. There's a reason I'm refusing you now. No, I don't care if you spend lots of money here.

21C: Dudes, it's only a stuffed animal. Get over it.

[draggar]

22: It's a warranty program, not a free upgrade program. You get what we give you.

23: No, you can't "pay the difference".

24: Just because it's a network issue does not mean every cusotmer will be affected by it.

25: No, I will not exchange out your flea-market purchased accessory for a top of the line one here.

26: Yes you did get it wet.

27: Just because you didn't get service three stories below ground does not mean that your phone is bad.

28: Personal preference is not covered under the maintenance program.

29: Neither are scratches, dents etc..

30: No I can't put you in the front of the line.

31: You're no more important than the other 10 phones I need to work on.

32: 31 days is beyond 31 days.

33: No, we didn't "cut off" your phone for $1, we turned it off for $126 ($1 over their $125 spending limit)

34: No we won't trade in (insert competitor's name)'s phones.

35: Trying it "one more time" won't help. The tenth time wasn't the charm, nor will the eleventh, twelvth, thirteenth, fourteenth....

[Shironu-Akaineko]

36: No, we do not have any cake decorations.

36a: Yes, I'm sure.

36b: No, we do not decorate the cakes. They arrive pre-decorated.

36c: Yes, I'm sure.

36d: No, we do not have any cake decorations in the back.

36e: Yes, I'm sure.

36f: No, I will not go check because there are no decorations in the back.

36g: Yes, I'm sure.

36h: No, you do not need a special time to order the cakes. If they arrived pre-decorated, there's a good F*cking chance they're also pre-baked.

36i: Yes, I'm sure.

36j: No, we do NOT decorate the cakes...

[greensinestro]

This is great stuff, but I do have to come to the defense of SC's on one part of it. It irks me to no end when reps have spoken to a customer, yet that rep is too lazy to note the account. Much of the time, reps don't note the account because they know that SC will call back and demand to know who that nasty, rude rep was they spoke with. Believe me, I've dealt with this on supervisor calls. To me, it's better to note the account and provide a brief description of what transpired in case that does happen. Otherwise, most companies have to pull what is called a verbatim to identify what rep or operator they spoke with, then, weeks later, when you can't recall what happened, you're screwed.

[BusyBee]

37. No, I cannot 'sell' you one of the bags of Free Popcorn that customers recieve when they get 3 new releases. If you want some of our disgusting store-made popcorn so bad, spend $3 and buy an even bigger bag of the stuff!

38. No, I cannot put one of the most popular recent releases on hold for you for a week. Nor can I do it for anything in the store, for that matter.

39. No, I cannot break policy and let you never pay those late fees.

40. No, I cannot break policy and let you hire on an account that you have no ID for, do not have the member card for, and do not know the password.

41. No, I cannot break policy and allow you to open a new account with no formal ID and only one phone number to contact you on.

42. Yes, doing any of 39-41 will soon result in my lack of employment. No, I cannot 'bend the rules' 'just this once' for you.

43. And... for pete's sake... No, I cannot return a movie that you have brought back WITH NO DISC IN THE CASE. If I can't put it on the shelf for others to hire, I can't spare you the late fees if you don't get it back to me! I do not transcend the laws of time and space!

[Becks]

You do not "need" to get your cell phone repaired at midnight. What you need to do is be a reasonable adult, and call in during normal business hours.

While coming in at midnight can be excessive, to be fair some people just can't make it during "normal business hours".

[digilight]

44. Yes I do "make" have them made and shipped to me overnight) rubber stamps. No I don't do them in house, multi colored, traditional (Only self inking, I hate traditional and never cared to learn the differences on them). This particular item stems from the fact that many years ago a owner now 2 generations pushed out on his ass, had one of our phone numbers listed under rubber stamps. This would be all well and good if rubber stamps could actually make us much money like say COPIES could. Needless to say we've been trying for over 8 years to get it changed and it still isn't correct.

45. No, I will not duplicate you're copyrighted CD for you. I don't care about the "Legalities" of making a "Back-up" Copy. It's not worth my livelyhood to f**K around with it. This is also why vinyl records are the only thing I am not setup to duplicate. Everything else could have a reason to duplicate or transfer to different media (CD's, Audio Tapes, DVD's and video tapes) I have only had one person in 5 years have a valid reason to want to deal in vinyl (her parents wedding vows were on a LP Album from 1968).

46. No, I won't stay open late for your $5.00 job. Yes I will stay open late for your $500.00 job (Yeah I'm a whore like that) but then it's my money, not corporates!

[ArenaBoy]

47. No I cannot let you in without a pass, we count the spots and match them with the tickets we've taken in, I'm not losing my job over your entitlment.

48. Get over the fact that the lot is full, you decided to come here 20 minutes after the game started so of course spots will be taken.

49. For Bank Row: FOR THE 50TH TIME I AM NOT MOVING THOSE BARRELS!! I am not held accountible for your car when you decided to drive over the traffic isle and ruin your paintjob. You did it on your accord.

50. When I am directing traffic do not get angry at me when I scream "GO" and I elongate it. I am not filling out an incident report just because you wanted to ask me a question. We have cashiers for that portion, my job is to keep traffic moving smoothly.

51. For the umpteenth time, get over it. It's a parking spot.

[Delphae]

52. No, I can't tell you the price. I don't memorize the price of any objects in the store.

53. No, I can't order something we don't carry. We don't have the numbers to order it, and even if we do, we may not get it.

54. No, I do not control what we carry. If I did, we would carry my hair dye, skin cream and lip gloss.

55. No I won't give you a rain check for things we have in stock.

[AFpheonix]

56. While I possibly could get your script done a little quicker, I probably won't, seeing as it's quite busy and the screaming children with ear infections have precedence over your 3 month old script for birth control. Come back later.

57. No, I cannot change your copay. Your insurance company dictated how many months' supply I could bill for and at what cost. You're the brainiac that signed up for this plan, you deal with it.

58. No, I cannot break the law and fill this CII script that the doctor neglected to sign. I'm sorry, it's a total bummer I know, but you will need to take it back to him and have him sign the bloody thing.

59. I cannot refill your med, for there are no more refills left. No, I shouldn't have needed to tell you, it says very clearly on the label that there is no more left. I will be more than happy to send a request for more for you. No, I can't loan you any of this particular one, it's controlled. What, you don't have a primary care physician to send the request to? I suggest going to the ER, then, as it is after hours for everyone else. Too expensive? Here's some phone numbers to some free or reduced cost clinics in the area, they will be open tomorrow. Don't want to wait? Well....I guess you're SOL at this point, sir. Here's a paper bag, please to breathe into it.

60. Ha, ha, no, it's not free.

61. I cannot sell you this Plan B packet, you are too young. However, I do have the phone number for the local Planned Parenthood I will give you, please go pay them a visit.

62. I do not have this obscure medicine in stock. No, none of the surrounding stores have it, I've checked. I can order it, but it won't be in until tomorrow. No sir, last I checked, my ass does not produce anything useful out of thin air.