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Jeebus last night was AWFUL. This is all just from last night and I actually had to stop cataloging the stupidity because I was getting so many morons I didn't have the time to write. ><
The Physics Of Failure
( 867 of course )
Me: "What’s your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "and the area code?"
SC: "<Gives me her postal code>"
Me: "No, the area code."
SC: "<Gives me the name of her town.>"
Me: "No, what's your area code. On your phone number."
SC: "Oh, uh…."
FAIL.
See, there are several levels of failure. There's standard "failure", which the average person experiences perhaps once a week. Then there's the capslock "FAILURE", which may occur perhaps once 1-3 months to the average person. Then there's failure so significant that the failee does not even deserve the entire word. The "ure" portion is removed as sort of a penalty for having achieved such a colossal level of failure. This is simply known as "fail". This may happen to the average person perhaps once a year.
The final tier of failure, the one I'm awarding you, is of course the capslock "FAIL". This particular brand of failure is so colossal that it actually inflicts physical harm on the failee or those within range of the failee. "FAIL" often times results in critical injury and/or death in the average person. On the other hand, slack wits, such as yourself, have endured so many instances of "failure", "FAILURE" and "Fail" over your lifetime that you've developed a resistance to it. Sort of like how bacteria will, over time, develop a resistance to antibiotics.
So when "FAIL" occurs to an individual such as yourself the affect is more like a nuclear fall out. Yes, the painful epicenter is yourself, but brain cells owned by other people (and perhaps even household pets or local wildlife) within the vicinity may be instantly destroyed or critically injured then left to linger on for a few months before succumbing to death.
So thank you, slack wit, I am now stupider from having to converse with you.
Pardon?
SC: "Can I just go around and meet you in the back alley?"
…um….I'm not sure what sort of, er, arrangements you made with our client but I don't believe I want any part of them.
( She didn't elaborate either.... )
2:37am
SC: "Is blah blah there?"
Me: "No, sorry, the office has closed for this evening."
SC: "What? I thought you guys closed at 4:30?"
Me: "….yes, yes we did."
You seem to be somewhat disoriented. Relax, sit down, take a deep breath. Here, have a banana. I know you like bananas. You can climb the hell out of trees too I'm sure.
Unqualified aka The Only Computer in All of Nunavut
SC: "Ya, I wan a cap I saw on de computar. I jus wanna check if you have it."
Me: "….ok, what's the product id number?"
SC: "Uh….I dunno, lemme check de computar…."
<Literally 3 minutes of dead silence pass of him monkeying with the computer>
Me: "Find it?"
SC: "Lemme look."
<More dead air…I can hear him "typing">
Me: "Do you want to call back after you find it?"
SC: "Yeah, ok. I'll call back in bout 45 minutes."
Me: "Ok"
I don't think you're qualified to own nor operate a computer. Or a phone. Please pack both of them up and return them from whence you purchased them. Be sure to explain to the clerk that you are, from an evolutionary stand point, to the left of the monkey and ask him to be sure that he does not sell you any form of complicated electronics until such a time as you can enter the store without scraping your knuckles on the welcome mat.
No, he didn't call back either. I assume he's still sitting there, pecking away at the keyboard like a blind hen.
Timehole
( Bonus points if you get that reference )
Me: "Good morning, <company name>"
SC: "Good Mornternoon"
…I think that greeting is only valid if I was currently at the epicenter of an implosion in the space time continuum.
Bitterness
SC: "How you doin?!"
I'm great, thank you! I would be even better if you could somehow find a way to incapacitate yourself suddenly within the next 10 seconds! In fact, now would be an ideal time to discover you're narcoleptic.
Just...what?
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "Low mein."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "Low mein."
Me: "No, your postal code?"
SC: "262."
Me: "No, postal code."
SC: "G0G?"
Me: "Yes, that's it. What's the rest of it?"
I feel inclined to give you a treat ( Perhaps a biscuit or some beef jerky? ) so next time when this happens you remember what I've painstakingly taught you. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Mantra
SC: "Is Victor there?"
Me: "He's not in for another hour."
SC: "Oh, can I speak to someone else?"
Me: "No one's in for another hour."
SC: "Can I speak with Samina."
Me: "No. One's. In. For. Another. Hour."
Shhhh……LISTEN. Hear that? That’s the sound of me desperately trying to break into your flawed reality. Let me in, I can help!
Inquisition
Me: "What's your store address?"
SC: "…that’s a good question."
Yes, I know it is. That's why I asked it. I am a highly trained professional…..er….questioner. Yes, that’s it. The Questioner. Kind of like The Decider™ but I'm not depressingly in charge of a major country.
Gah....I has the twitchies, and they won't stop.
The Physics Of Failure
( 867 of course )
Me: "What’s your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "and the area code?"
SC: "<Gives me her postal code>"
Me: "No, the area code."
SC: "<Gives me the name of her town.>"
Me: "No, what's your area code. On your phone number."
SC: "Oh, uh…."
FAIL.
See, there are several levels of failure. There's standard "failure", which the average person experiences perhaps once a week. Then there's the capslock "FAILURE", which may occur perhaps once 1-3 months to the average person. Then there's failure so significant that the failee does not even deserve the entire word. The "ure" portion is removed as sort of a penalty for having achieved such a colossal level of failure. This is simply known as "fail". This may happen to the average person perhaps once a year.
The final tier of failure, the one I'm awarding you, is of course the capslock "FAIL". This particular brand of failure is so colossal that it actually inflicts physical harm on the failee or those within range of the failee. "FAIL" often times results in critical injury and/or death in the average person. On the other hand, slack wits, such as yourself, have endured so many instances of "failure", "FAILURE" and "Fail" over your lifetime that you've developed a resistance to it. Sort of like how bacteria will, over time, develop a resistance to antibiotics.
So when "FAIL" occurs to an individual such as yourself the affect is more like a nuclear fall out. Yes, the painful epicenter is yourself, but brain cells owned by other people (and perhaps even household pets or local wildlife) within the vicinity may be instantly destroyed or critically injured then left to linger on for a few months before succumbing to death.
So thank you, slack wit, I am now stupider from having to converse with you.
Pardon?
SC: "Can I just go around and meet you in the back alley?"
…um….I'm not sure what sort of, er, arrangements you made with our client but I don't believe I want any part of them.
( She didn't elaborate either.... )
2:37am
SC: "Is blah blah there?"
Me: "No, sorry, the office has closed for this evening."
SC: "What? I thought you guys closed at 4:30?"
Me: "….yes, yes we did."
You seem to be somewhat disoriented. Relax, sit down, take a deep breath. Here, have a banana. I know you like bananas. You can climb the hell out of trees too I'm sure.
Unqualified aka The Only Computer in All of Nunavut
SC: "Ya, I wan a cap I saw on de computar. I jus wanna check if you have it."
Me: "….ok, what's the product id number?"
SC: "Uh….I dunno, lemme check de computar…."
<Literally 3 minutes of dead silence pass of him monkeying with the computer>
Me: "Find it?"
SC: "Lemme look."
<More dead air…I can hear him "typing">
Me: "Do you want to call back after you find it?"
SC: "Yeah, ok. I'll call back in bout 45 minutes."
Me: "Ok"
I don't think you're qualified to own nor operate a computer. Or a phone. Please pack both of them up and return them from whence you purchased them. Be sure to explain to the clerk that you are, from an evolutionary stand point, to the left of the monkey and ask him to be sure that he does not sell you any form of complicated electronics until such a time as you can enter the store without scraping your knuckles on the welcome mat.
No, he didn't call back either. I assume he's still sitting there, pecking away at the keyboard like a blind hen.
Timehole
( Bonus points if you get that reference )
Me: "Good morning, <company name>"
SC: "Good Mornternoon"
…I think that greeting is only valid if I was currently at the epicenter of an implosion in the space time continuum.
Bitterness
SC: "How you doin?!"
I'm great, thank you! I would be even better if you could somehow find a way to incapacitate yourself suddenly within the next 10 seconds! In fact, now would be an ideal time to discover you're narcoleptic.
Just...what?
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "Low mein."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "Low mein."
Me: "No, your postal code?"
SC: "262."
Me: "No, postal code."
SC: "G0G?"
Me: "Yes, that's it. What's the rest of it?"
I feel inclined to give you a treat ( Perhaps a biscuit or some beef jerky? ) so next time when this happens you remember what I've painstakingly taught you. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Mantra
SC: "Is Victor there?"
Me: "He's not in for another hour."
SC: "Oh, can I speak to someone else?"
Me: "No one's in for another hour."
SC: "Can I speak with Samina."
Me: "No. One's. In. For. Another. Hour."
Shhhh……LISTEN. Hear that? That’s the sound of me desperately trying to break into your flawed reality. Let me in, I can help!
Inquisition
Me: "What's your store address?"
SC: "…that’s a good question."
Yes, I know it is. That's why I asked it. I am a highly trained professional…..er….questioner. Yes, that’s it. The Questioner. Kind of like The Decider™ but I'm not depressingly in charge of a major country.
Gah....I has the twitchies, and they won't stop.
(holding on to desk while head spins)
Well said!
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