The Sucky C's of Mine

[Kara]

To the tune of Queen's "The Seven Seas of Rhye," with my sincerest apologies to the late (and great) Freddie Mercury.

Fear me you trolls and skanky b*tches.
I descend upon your line from my queue.
I command your very phones you worthless losers.
It's the story of my life
The Sucky C's of Mine.

Can you hear me now, jerks and stupid customers?
I sit before you ignoring your screams.
I will destroy anyone who gets on my nerves.
I swear that you'll be canceled
With the Sucky C's of mine.

Ahem. Sorry.

SW: Sucky Woman
SM: Sucky Man
ME:

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

ME: How are you today?
SW: I am very angry and I've about had it with this service!
ME: I'm terribly sorry (retch) you feel that way. What seems to be the problem?
SW: I want to know why you charging me this amount on my bill? I already paid it!
ME: I don't show that you're past due. Where is it that you see that it's charging you $XXX.XX?
SW: Right on the first page. It says "Previous Balance, $XXX.XX."
ME: Oh, that just shows you what your last bill was. Right below, it shows the payments you made, which are the same amount.
SW: But why are you charging me this?
ME: We're not charging you for it again. It's just to show what the last bill was and what was paid.
SW: I know that! But why you charge me?
ME: Okay, let's forget about the Previous Balance. The only thing you need to pay is where it says "Current Balance."
SW: I am not stupid!
ME: I never suggested you were (with words ).
SW: Look, I understand that when the charge needs to be charged, the charge needs to be charged!

I'm glad you understand that. Because I don't think I do, nor do I think anyone else does. Congrats, you have a black belt in 'tarded.

And this is my fault...how?

SW: I can't believe the charges on this bill! If I don't get a credit for the minutes that went over, I'll cancel!
ME: We do offer a variety of plans that could better meet your needs-
SW: See, that's just it. I knew I was going to go over last month and I was going to call in and change my plan. But I got busy and I forgot. But you shouldn't charge me for going over!

And if you had changed your plan as you intended, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I hope you've learned a valuable lesson.

You want me to gift wrap it for you too?

**20 minutes of arguing the price of a handset upgrade. Finally agreed to give her the max discount on the blackberry, even though she's not eligible for the max discount.*

ME: So that's the Blackberry for $199.99 with a 2 year contract, the maximum rate plan we offer, and a $100 credit (some generous Customer Service rep had already offered this, I had no choice).
SW: And you'll ship it to me free.
ME: We do offer free ground shipping.
SW: But I don't want to wait that long. So give me free Express shipping.
ME: I'm sorry, but the only free shipping option we have is the Ground.
SW: I guess I'll just have to start looking around for other companies. You know, since you guys don't appreciate me.
ME: We're already going above and beyond for you. You're getting a great deal.
SW: Okay fine. I guess I'll pay the shipping. Now there's no contract with this, right?

You know what? Go ahead and let someone else "appreciate" you. Here, let me just transfer you to one of my competitors now and be done with you.

Mr Expert

SM: There's no way that screen was damaged! You're going to take this $100 charge off my bill!
ME: Well, I do see that there was an exchange last month. And unfortunately, it looks like there was damage to the LCD, so there was an Out of Warranty fee since that voids the warranty.
SM: Look, I'm not a novice, ok? I fix LCD screens for a living. If there had been damage, there would have been a black spot and there wasn't. Don't you think I'd have noticed? I'm not a novice!
ME: True, if the crystals themselves shatter, they bleed and it creates a black spot. But it the face of the LCD can be cracked or shattered without actually damaging the crystals. Did you happen to notice anything like that?
SM: Look, there was no black spot! I know what I'm doing.
ME (so do I. Dodging my question): Unfortunately, since we can't see through to the other end of the phone, we can't know when we file the exchange if a phone is damaged. If you say it isn't damaged, we'll take your word for it. But when the technician opens the box and sees it's damaged, they'll charge the fee because we can't fix physical damage.
SM: This is ridiculous! I refuse to pay it.

Of course you will. You'll either pay us or the collection agency. Your choice. I'm sure you know what to do, since you're not a novice after all.

Utterly pointless

SW: How much can I get the RAZR for?
ME: $XX.XX with a 2 year contract.
SW: I don't want it anyway. I don't even like the RAZR.

Great. Are there any other phones you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole you'd like me to check prices on?

How convenient for you

SM: I want cancel phones. I have party at home last night and I lose both of them.
ME: That's terribly unfortunate. We can suspend the phones in case someone else finds them before you do, and we can even look at upgrading to replace the lost phones. You're eligible for the maximum discount.
SM: No, I just cancel.

What an amazing co-inky-dink. You lose the phones the day the contract expires? See you in 2 hours when you activate your new account.

Every time I think I've found the stupidest person alive...

SW: This is my fifth call to you people today! I was charged this restocking fee for a phone you replaced. They tell me I was supposed to send the old phone back.
ME: That's correct.
SW: So explain to me why I have to send back a phone I paid for? It's MY phone.
ME: True. And if you have a problem with the phone during the warranty, we'll send you a replacement phone instead of having you send it back to the manufacturer for repair. You keep the one we send you, then send the defective one back so we can fix the problem and it can be used for someone else who may need a replacement of the same model.
SW: Well, I went to your store and they just looked at my phone and said it was bad. They took it away from me and said they'd order a new one. So I don't have the phone to send back.
ME: So you just let them take your phone (after all, you paid for it and it belongs to you alone)?
SW: He gave me a loaner phone. But he never said anything about sending the old phone back.
ME: I can't verify what was discussed in the store, but we do require that.
SW: But even if he'd handed me the phone back, I would have just gone home and thrown it in the trash. Why would I think to keep a phone that doesn't work?
ME: So, when you got the replacement, there was a form with a return shipping label stating you need to return the defective device, so-
SW: I thought it meant I needed to return the loaner phone. So I took it back to the store.
ME :O...k... So have you tried to get the phone back from the store?
SW: They said they don't have it anymore. But you know what? The store has the phone, so you can't tell me (Company) doesn't have the phone and charge me for it.
ME: They may have it at the store (unlikely, because I don't believe you), but we don't have it in our warehouse so we had to order another one from the manufacturer. Since you didn't send back the phone, you are charged for our cost in getting another replacement.
SW: But they took it from me in the store!
ME: Hmm, I see here you called yesterday and we called the store. We spoke to the rep who ordered your replacement phone, and I see you were conferenced in with us as well. He said he didn't recall you ever giving him your old phone.
SW: I... well... uh...
ME: (WOOO! BUSTED!):
SW: Fine! You want a phone? I've got lots of old phones laying around. I'll send you back one of them and you'll have to take the fee off my bill. You'd never know the difference.
ME: Yeah, that's the nice thing about serial numbers. Each individual phone has a unique serial number (and IMEI, which is what we actually do track, but the customers only need to understand "serial number"). We can see every serial number of every phone your SIM card has ever been used in.
SW: Oh! So you can track it? Well, I bet the kid at the store gave my phone to someone else and now they're using it!
ME (ok, if you want to do this and look like that much more of a fool, let's do it): I would be delighted to check on that for you.
**hold music**
ME: I traced the serial number of your phone and found the last time it was used was on 02/19/2007. Which was the day before you went to the store and had it exchanged. I don't see that serial number has ever been used on any other phone, ever.
SW: ...So you won't take the charge off?
ME: Ma'am, the charge is valid and will not be removed.
SW: Have it your way. But I'm warning you, my next call is going to be to the Public Utilities Commission! *click*

Oh no! Not that! Oh wait, we're not a utility company. Whew, dodged a bullet there.

...I take another call

SW: I am going to send this phone back to you and cancel my service! This is the worst experience I've ever had!
ME: I'm sorry you feel that way. What happened?
SW: I upgraded to this new phone, and the damn thing doesn't work! It drops calls, it doesn't ring, it doesn't do anything but sit there.
ME: That's odd. And it's powered on (I've learned this question is crucial)?
SW: Yes. I've only had it a few days, but it's just terrible. I had to go back to my old phone.
**Intermission time. The next 30 minutes were spent calming her down and regaining her trust, finally getting to the point where I was going to have her send the phone back and we were going to order another phone instead. Hilarity ensued.**
ME: So we'll get the (Nokia) ordered for you and you are still within the return period for the (Samsung) so go ahead and return it.
SW: Sounds fine. Oh, do I have to send back the new SIM card?
ME: The one that came with the phone? I don't see that you activated it, so you can hang onto it as a spare, and then if... (wait just a darn minute here. No, there's no way. It's impossible. Isn't it?) So you were using your old SIM card in the new phone, right?
SW: No, I was using the new SIM card in the new phone. But it didn't work, so I went back to my old phone that still had the old SIM.
ME (snicker): I..uh.. (mute for a few seconds to get the giggles out. Calm down, girl. Deep breath) I think we may have found the problem. The SIM card you had in the new phone wasn't active. So it couldn't register to the network to make or receive any calls.
SW: But I thought it was already activated.
ME: No, it's prepackaged in the box. We can't break the seal on the box to get the card out and activate it. That's why on the larger card you punch it out of, it says to call us to activate it before using.
SW: So.....
ME (come on, Betsy. Connect the dots. You can do it. Please tell me you're capable of that much)
SW: So the phone might not be the problem?
ME: No. In fact, I think if you put your old SIM in the new phone, it'll work just fine.
SW: Okay, well, why don't I try that first? And if it doesn't work, I'll call back.

I left her account open the rest of the day. She didn't call back.

[The Distorted Kwi]

To the tune of Queen's "The Seven Seas of Rhye," with my sincerest apologies to the late (and great) Freddie Mercury.

Fear me you trolls and skanky b*tches.
I descend upon your line from my queue.
I command your very phones you worthless losers.
It's the story of my life
The Sucky C's of Mine.

Can you hear me now, jerks and stupid customers?
I sit before you ignoring your screams.
I will destroy anyone who gets on my nerves.
I swear that you'll be canceled
With the Sucky C's of mine.

*waves lighter*

[HALFHUMANHALFZOMBIE]

People who assume that they represent customer service must own the company.

I am not stupid, I know that what the amount implies says "previous balance" is what you are charging me in addition to the "Current Balance"

SC's

[powerboy]

[ So you were using your old SIM card in the new phone, right?
SW: No, I was using the new SIM card in the new phone. But it didn't work, so I went back to my old phone that still had the old SIM.
ME (snicker): I..uh.. (mute for a few seconds to get the giggles out. Calm down, girl. Deep breath) I think we may have found the problem. The SIM card you had in the new phone wasn't active. So it couldn't register to the network to make or receive any calls.

I done something like that with my last new phone. Took out the old one, and put it right back in. I tried to call a few times, nothing happened. So I called up, and realized that I was stupid, and told them that I was. Just one of those DeeDeeDee minutes

[Jack7957]

What an amazing co-inky-dink. You lose the phones the day the contract expires? See you in 2 hours when you activate your new account.

And since they cancelled, before activating, they'll end up with a new number and scream about not being able to keep their old number, right?

[MadMike]

. So I called up, and realized that I was stupid,

I had a similar moment with the cable company when the internet stopped working. Went thru two different techs, who could find nothing wrong. After they had scheduled a truck roll, and I got off the phone with them, I noticed the network cable wasn't pushed into the modem completely. Gave it a push, and I was magically back online.

I ended up calling them back and telling them, "I'm an idiot, the cable wasn't connected, you can cancel the appointment."

Although as stupid as I was, it kind of troubles me that they didn't have me check that at all. In fact, I think it should have been one of the first things, if not THE first thing.

[air914]

Excuse my ignorance but what is an SIM card? Is it necessary for all phones or is it one of those bells & whistles my phone doesn't have?

[Rapscallion]

The SIM card goes inside the phone and contains the information the phone needs to work out which network to connect to. It can also hold your contact phone number lists etc. Just move it from your old phone to your new one and all your information should move with it.

Rapscallion

[Kara]

Yeah, what Rap said. SIM cards are used worldwide for digital GSM (a type of digital service) providers worldwide. They also make certain illegal activites like cloning (where someone can copy your number and use it to make their own calls from another phone or a computer) and like building your own mini tower in your home and using a pirate signal to tap into the network and use service for free, virtually impossible. You'd know if you had one in your phone. Or at least, you should. Some websites activate them and stick them in the phones before shipping, but usually you do it yourself or they do it for you if you get one at a store.

[air914]

hmm I'm guessing maybe I don't have one. It's a Verizon phone - I know they usually charge you $10 to transfer your information (phone book) from one phone to another - so maybe they've made it so you have to have them switch the info. over so they can make $10 ... just a thought....

[Kara]

Verizon doesn't use them. I don't remember what kind of network they use. CDMA I think. That is kind of crappy they charge you to transfer the info from 1 phone to another. Another company that isn't mine that I know of charges you an activation fee every time you get a new phone too, which also transfers your info. Not advertising my service here, there are tons of GSM providers after all. Plus, if you lose or destroy your SIM card, we can't resend you the information so you lose all your contacts. Well, except for this new thing coming out where you'll be able to store them online and resend them (free) if that happens.

[Strikesfirmly]

SW: I guess I'll just have to start looking around for other companies. You know, since you guys don't appreciate me.

You know what? Go ahead and let someone else "appreciate" you. Here, let me just transfer you to one of my competitors now and be done with you.

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."
Classic, simply classic.

Great. Are there any other phones you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole you'd like me to check prices on?

The problem with cynicism is that human nature will often prove you haven't been cynical enough.

SW: Fine! You want a phone? I've got lots of old phones laying around. I'll send you back one of them and you'll have to take the fee off my bill. You'd never know the difference.

Yeah, you ****. That is why most places don't offer loaner phones anymore, people - I use the term loosely - like you never bring them back..

[DesignFox]

hmm I'm guessing maybe I don't have one. It's a Verizon phone - I know they usually charge you $10 to transfer your information (phone book) from one phone to another - so maybe they've made it so you have to have them switch the info. over so they can make $10 ... just a thought....

I have a Verizon phone...I didn't realize they charged you 10 bucks to transfer your info. when you get an upgrade. That is just crappy...(they do other shitastical things like cripple the bluetooth feature on your phone, too!)
So in answer to the query- yea, they want your ten bucks.

I do know that Verizon phones don't use SIM cards. They are activated "over the air". From what I understand, it means that the phone itself has the capability to talk to the network- it doesn't need a special chip.

[Gravekeeper]

I'm still thankful I only have brushes with cell phone customers at work. Not a full on stream of them. I think I prefer my random insane asylum like idiot encounters to your consistent, assembly line monkey factory.

[Kara]

I think I prefer my random insane asylum like idiot encounters to your consistent, assembly line monkey factory.

My consistent, assembly line monkey factory?!

That's beautiful! I should work that into my call greeting...