On an otherwise quiet Sunday night...

[Antisocial_Worker]

Here are two from last night.

The Service Dog

Dear Sir or Madam,

I realize that I was not present when you checked in, but I understand that you presented all the proper paperwork signed by all the proper people in all the proper places designating your dog as a service animal. The outgoing shift informed me that you seemed to have no visual or hearing impairment and that your service dog was in reality something more along the lines of a naked yapping rat.

Perhaps you need it for your nervous condition. Perhaps you need it to sense an oncoming seizure -- although I find this latter possibility doubtful as your service rat is far too nervous to perform in such a capacity. If you were to suffer a seizure it would probably suffer such a spasm of helpless anguish that it would explode.

I suspect this, of course, because your dog was the reason no one could make a move in the hallway on the floor where your room was located for most of the night, lest your yapping rat go off like a defective car alarm. All I can say is that if I needed a dog for a nervous condition, and that was what I was issued, it would drive me right over the goddamn edge doubletime.

Go to hell and take your yapping rat with you.

Love,

The Front Desk

A Lack of Perspective

Dear Madam,

You can't possibly know how happy it made me to know that one, I had ruined your night, two, I had ruined your morning, and three, that you would never stay at another Elongated Hexagon Inn ever again due to the unforgivable inconvenience of not being able to connect to the wireless Internet. I am disappointed that I was unable to ruin your Christmas in this manner, but as the head of housekeeping pointed out when I told her, there is still time, and therefore I live in hope.

I understand your frustration, and I also understand how jarring it must be to have to choose the complimentary guest access option versus the one set aside for members of our super-duper uber-special loyalty program -- despite the fact that you are at the lowest tier of said program. Perhaps you aspire to become a Cubic Zirconium member one day and are already practicing your nasty attitude and inflated sense of entitlement.

Perhaps I do not care.

I do note, however, that when I Googled your name (I certainly had no problems connecting to the Internet down at the front desk, haha!) you are a teacher. Maybe I haven't been around enough teachers lately, but I was under the impression that teachers tend not to be irrational bitches who lack a sense of perspective on what could actually constitute a ruined night or morning, or what would be worth swearing off an entire hotel chain.

Please believe me when I say that I hope your tires explode en route to your county of origin -- perhaps then you might understand when it might be worth declaring a ruined morning. Also please believe me when I tell you that I was so delighted to have ruined both your night and your morning that I rewarded myself with breakfast at a restaurant.

Kisses,

The Front Desk

PS: You can go straight to hell too, and I hope they seat you behind the naked yapping rat for all eternity.

[seigus]

Maybe I haven't been around enough teachers lately, but I was under the impression that teachers tend not to be irrational bitches who lack a sense of perspective on what could actually constitute a ruined night or morning, or what would be worth swearing off an entire hotel chain.

Must not have attended the same schools I did...

[eltf177]

What a pair of winners - NOT!

[notalwaysright]

I was under the impression that teachers tend not to be irrational bitches who lack a sense of perspective

That's adorable. I could tell stories, oh I could. I don't mean to generalize. I quite like my teachers at the tech college I'm attending. They seem great! But I've been given a hard time by people who loudly announce their occupation (it also applies to doctors and lawyers) and are very irrational. So don't think teachers can't be SCs!

And real service animals pretty much won't bark like that. Probably she bullied some random doctor to sign a note which designated it a "therapy" dog.

[sms001]

If you were to suffer a seizure it would probably suffer such a spasm of helpless anguish that it would explode.

Although that would work: Doogie asplodes, "OHMG911tybbq!!! Call an ambulance, Imma gunna have a seizure!"

how jarring it must be to have to choose the complimentary guest access option versus the one set aside

Wait, what? So she did have internet, just not the log on (presumably no-fuss) she wanted? THAT'S a special snowflake.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Although that would work: Doogie asplodes, "OHMG911tybbq!!! Call an ambulance, Imma gunna have a seizure!"

There are service dogs who are trained to assist someone who has frequent seizures. We have a long time customer who suffers from those and had a service dog who came in the store with him (a golden Retriever) that was properly in his work vest and had the tags and et al. He explained that the dog was trained to bring him the telephone and lay on him whenever the dog sensed that Buddy (not customer's real name) was about to seize.

What few service animals I've met in person have usually been larger dogs - one guy my Mom worked for years ago (late 80/s through mid 90's) had a black Lab named Pepper who was trained to open doors and reach stuff for him (he was a quadraplegic) when he was out and about doing his errands and also helped him around the house (he was very independent despite his paralysis - he also participated in the Paralympics and also liked to go sky diving.)

I'm not saying that it would be impossible for a smaller dog to be a service animal but I do find it unusual at best. I've also heard of cats and just today there was a pig in the news who was kicked off a plan for creating a mess (and this animal was claimed to be a service animal as well.) So a small dog as a service animal wouldn't be impossible - but I would look for more telltale signs such as an orange work vest and appropriate tags.

Wait, what? So she did have internet, just not the log on (presumably no-fuss) she wanted? THAT'S a special snowflake.

What did she want the hotel to do? Fix it so she could log in with her username and password that she uses at home or be able to log in as "Her Serene Highness?"

She should count her blessings she was able to have Internet to access at all. Not to mention this is the time of year for folks to be grateful for what they have and she's pulling a Veruca Salt?

Entitled bitch should live in my house for a month . . . she'd run for cover after a DAY! My brother could out-entitle her in no time flat.

[Jay 2K Winger]

PS: You can go straight to hell too, and I hope they seat you behind the naked yapping rat for all eternity.

And you know what Hell is, folks? It's Andy Gibb. Singing "Shadow Dancing," for eons and eons. And you have to wear orange plaid bell-bottoms, and you have to sit next to the Bay City Rollers.

[sirwired]

Well, business are, in fact, allowed to eject "service animals" that are being a disruptive PITA. It doesn't matter what their disability is or isn't. So yes, a business is well within their rights to eject a customer with an extremely yappy dog, one that's crapping on the floor, etc.

[Android Kaeli]

PS: You can go straight to hell too, and I hope they seat you behind the naked yapping rat for all eternity.

This, this made laugh so hard.

[Mriswith]

I'm not saying that it would be impossible for a smaller dog to be a service animal but I do find it unusual at best. I've also heard of cats and just today there was a pig in the news who was kicked off a plan for creating a mess (and this animal was claimed to be a service animal as well.) So a small dog as a service animal wouldn't be impossible - but I would look for more telltale signs such as an orange work vest and appropriate tags.

According to the ADA website, the only animals protected by the "Service Animals can go anywhere" rule are dogs, and the occasional miniature pony. Everything else is classified as a comfort animal, and is treated just like a pet.

[Teysa]

My dad has a Boston Terrier for a service dog. It helps detect whether his blood sugar is going wonky and keeps him calm in stressful situations. Of course the dog has also been really well trained and knows how to behave himself.

[Shyla]

My understanding is that some doctors will certify any animal you want. Just like some doctors hand out handicap cards like candy. There are no real standards for what a service dog needs to do. You can tell the people who don't really need or have service dogs because the animal does not behave in public. I know someone who got her little dog certified for really no reason. She says it makes her feel better to have the dog with her. But it really is that general. I don't for a minute believe anyone needs a pig as a service animal. Real service dogs are wonderfully trained animals that actually help their owners in a tangible way.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I know someone who got her little dog certified for really no reason. She says it makes her feel better to have the dog with her.

I'm of the opinion that there is no shame in a disability... unless your disability is a complete inability to cope with reality. Internet porn makes me feel better, but you don't see me using it as a loud, proud crutch -- and especially not one that goes off at the slightest provocation. What you're describing, and what I had to put up with basically just sounds like someone who figured out a way around the No Pets rule.

Now, let's all say it together: Entitlement: Because YOU'RE worth it!"

[Seshat]

Some months ago, I looked up what is required to certify a service animal in Australia. Part of that requirement is a list of behaviours an animal must display - it amounts to the animal equivalent of being a polite, courteous citizen. Which yes, includes no nuisance barking. Barking as a form of 'speech' is not only permitted but encouraged; however. The dog must have a way to say things like 'you're about to have a seizure' or 'I need to find a patch of grass real soon now!'

Small dogs are quite suitable for service animals for people who need an alert animal, a 'hearing ear' animal, or one to do things like pick things up from the floor. People whose disabilities are similar to mine can find a large dog too difficult to bathe, keep brushed, and keep exercised: yet the additional senses of a dog (and the help of a healthy and friendly being!) can still be extremely useful. I would find a small assistance dog to be quite normal.

I can also easily imagine a bird of the parrot family being an assistance animal: many of those are quite intelligent, capable of manipulating tools, and capable of being taught to be polite. I've never heard of one, nor seen one, but they fulfil the criteria.


All of that said: I doubt the nuisance-barking dog was a genuine assistance animal. It would never have passed the 'well-behaved' test required in Australia!

[AccountingDrone]

I can also easily imagine a bird of the parrot family being an assistance animal: many of those are quite intelligent, capable of manipulating tools, and capable of being taught to be polite. I've never heard of one, nor seen one, but they fulfil the criteria.

Back in about 2003 we met an assistance parrot at a camping event for the SCA, it was trained to alert for epilepsy somehow. I would be weirded out by a parrot flapping around, but that is just me.

I have been rethinking the whole service dog thing, with the US thing for police immediately shooting dogs no matter what. I can't see forcing my off duty service dog sleeping in a vest, or posting huge SERVICE DOG ON PREMISES signs everywhere just to keep a very expensive service animal alive if some jackass decides to swat me because he doesn't like me ganking him in a game.