Tinfoil blues
For some reason there has been a rash of calls lately from people convinced that the CIA, FBI, NSA, President Obama, the DNC and even ISIS have hacked their phones, are listening to their calls and monitoring their every move.
As I've mentioned before, I think it's hilarious that they expect that I, a lowly phone jockey, should be able to prevent these organizations from interfering with them.
The one guy was a particularly special snowflake, he was convinced that ISIS/Islamic radicals had moles everywhere and even went so far as to suggest there was one in my call center.
Someone needs to lay off the Fox News methinks.
The TARDIS is coming to get you!
The other day a customer threatened to report my company to the Attorney General, the FCC and the BBC.
I can't imagine being the poorsap bloke who answers THAT call! 
I don't need no stinkin' rules!
Me: Thank you for calling Red Checkmark, how many I help you?
SC: I just got a notification on my phone that I've gone over my data and you are going to charge me. Unacceptable. I opted out of that when I got the phones.
Me: You...opted out?
SC: You got a hearing problem mister? Opted out as in, I told the guy I didn't want it and he said 'ok'.
Me: (thinking maybe I misunderstood him) Are you saying you intended to set a data limit so that you wouldn't have to pay overage charges? If so, I can certainly straighten that out for you.
SC: No...NO. Not a limit. It's like I told you. The guy at the store told me I'd be charged overage if I went over my plan limit but I don't want to pay overages so I asked him if I could opt out of it and he said yes.
Me:
(sounds legit) So let me make sure I understand this, the employee you spoke to at the Red Checkmark store told you would you never have to pay overage charges ever, even if you went over you data?
SC: Exactly, now credit my account for this overage.
Me: (some of the employees at our stores are not the sharpest knives in the drawer but I'd like to think none of them are THAT stupid) I don't see how that's possible. Every single Red Checkmark employee is given thorough training on our plans and features from Day 1.
SC: I'm telling you that's what I was told, that's what I agreed to.
Me: As far as I know there's no way to "opt out" of data overages. If there were, everyone would do it and we wouldn't make any money. If you want you can return to the store and address your concerns with them, but --
SC: NO! I'm not going back to the store, this is what I was promised and this is what you will give me. Now credit my account.
Me: I'm not able to give credit on valid charges sir, but let me tell you what I can do--
SC: No, let me tell you what you WILL do, you WILL credit my account.
Me: I'm afraid that's not possible.
SC: Well you better find a way to make it possible and fast.
Me: Sir, these are valid charges. There's no way to change that. We can't offer a credit here.
SC: Put your manager on the phone you jackass.
I did, manager shot him down, he threatened to sic his lawyer on us.
Credit: Impossible
I often get calls from customers who send a phone with a smashed screen or other defect back on a warranty claim, get rejected and then get a nice fat charge on their bill to cover the cost of the phone.
As a CYA, the company uploads photos of any damaged phones to a central database, allowing me to see exactly why a warranty claim was rejected. Usually it's pretty obvious.
This guy was a bizarre case. Like usual he was disputing the charges and like usual I pulled the pictures.
As soon as they came up, this was me for about 30 seconds:

This phone was completely MELTED. I mean it looked like it had been thrown into a brick wall, run over, smashed with a sledgehammer and seared with a blowtorch. It was so epic practically everyone in my call center has seen it by now.
The guy was swearing up and down the phone was in "Perfect condition" when he sent it in.
Sure buddy, you expect to me believe that there's some twisted pyromaniac in the employ of USPS that did this?
This guy was screwed before he ever called in. This phone was damaged SO badly that even the most spineless of managers wouldn't dare credit him for it.
What exactly do you think I do here?
I had a call awhile back from someone who wanted help with the wifi on his laptop. A couple problems with that:
1. He had Xfinity internet
2. I do CELL PHONE service, not laptops.
A few months back I got a call from someone wanting to know how to create a text box in Polaris Office 5. Ok, in fairness Polaris is a mobile app but the request here has absolutely NOTHING to do with Red Checkmark.
And don't even get me started on the people who call us because they can't get those bluetooth devices in their cars to pair with their phone.
For some reason there has been a rash of calls lately from people convinced that the CIA, FBI, NSA, President Obama, the DNC and even ISIS have hacked their phones, are listening to their calls and monitoring their every move.
As I've mentioned before, I think it's hilarious that they expect that I, a lowly phone jockey, should be able to prevent these organizations from interfering with them.
The one guy was a particularly special snowflake, he was convinced that ISIS/Islamic radicals had moles everywhere and even went so far as to suggest there was one in my call center.
Someone needs to lay off the Fox News methinks.
The TARDIS is coming to get you!
The other day a customer threatened to report my company to the Attorney General, the FCC and the BBC.
I can't imagine being the poor

I don't need no stinkin' rules!
Me: Thank you for calling Red Checkmark, how many I help you?
SC: I just got a notification on my phone that I've gone over my data and you are going to charge me. Unacceptable. I opted out of that when I got the phones.
Me: You...opted out?
SC: You got a hearing problem mister? Opted out as in, I told the guy I didn't want it and he said 'ok'.
Me: (thinking maybe I misunderstood him) Are you saying you intended to set a data limit so that you wouldn't have to pay overage charges? If so, I can certainly straighten that out for you.
SC: No...NO. Not a limit. It's like I told you. The guy at the store told me I'd be charged overage if I went over my plan limit but I don't want to pay overages so I asked him if I could opt out of it and he said yes.
Me:

SC: Exactly, now credit my account for this overage.
Me: (some of the employees at our stores are not the sharpest knives in the drawer but I'd like to think none of them are THAT stupid) I don't see how that's possible. Every single Red Checkmark employee is given thorough training on our plans and features from Day 1.
SC: I'm telling you that's what I was told, that's what I agreed to.
Me: As far as I know there's no way to "opt out" of data overages. If there were, everyone would do it and we wouldn't make any money. If you want you can return to the store and address your concerns with them, but --
SC: NO! I'm not going back to the store, this is what I was promised and this is what you will give me. Now credit my account.
Me: I'm not able to give credit on valid charges sir, but let me tell you what I can do--
SC: No, let me tell you what you WILL do, you WILL credit my account.
Me: I'm afraid that's not possible.
SC: Well you better find a way to make it possible and fast.
Me: Sir, these are valid charges. There's no way to change that. We can't offer a credit here.
SC: Put your manager on the phone you jackass.
I did, manager shot him down, he threatened to sic his lawyer on us.

Credit: Impossible
I often get calls from customers who send a phone with a smashed screen or other defect back on a warranty claim, get rejected and then get a nice fat charge on their bill to cover the cost of the phone.
As a CYA, the company uploads photos of any damaged phones to a central database, allowing me to see exactly why a warranty claim was rejected. Usually it's pretty obvious.
This guy was a bizarre case. Like usual he was disputing the charges and like usual I pulled the pictures.
As soon as they came up, this was me for about 30 seconds:


This phone was completely MELTED. I mean it looked like it had been thrown into a brick wall, run over, smashed with a sledgehammer and seared with a blowtorch. It was so epic practically everyone in my call center has seen it by now.
The guy was swearing up and down the phone was in "Perfect condition" when he sent it in.
Sure buddy, you expect to me believe that there's some twisted pyromaniac in the employ of USPS that did this?
This guy was screwed before he ever called in. This phone was damaged SO badly that even the most spineless of managers wouldn't dare credit him for it.
What exactly do you think I do here?
I had a call awhile back from someone who wanted help with the wifi on his laptop. A couple problems with that:
1. He had Xfinity internet
2. I do CELL PHONE service, not laptops.
A few months back I got a call from someone wanting to know how to create a text box in Polaris Office 5. Ok, in fairness Polaris is a mobile app but the request here has absolutely NOTHING to do with Red Checkmark.
And don't even get me started on the people who call us because they can't get those bluetooth devices in their cars to pair with their phone.

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