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Well our yearly big arts and crafts street show has come and gone, and with it, came closed down streets, tourists and other things that anger the Parking Gods (tm)
Let's see what they have wrought.
I KAN ARTZ 2 U KNOW!
Speaking of artists, you apparently fancied yourself one. Why else would you try to bump that expired permit ahead by using the old white out trick? On GREEN paper?
At this point, I'm seriously wondering why you guys keep trying this. My audience is going to get upset at me if I keep rehashing these old, boring, cliche' tales of fail the way Hollywood has been remaking everything for almost 15 years now, and wondering why their box office is down. But what can I do? This is what you're giving me to work with here..... garbage in, compost out.
And it was an obsolete 2014 permit in a shade of green that was no longer in use TWICE over (2016's are a more vibrant hue) and of a size no longer in use (rectangular and dangling like a necktie, not square and hugging the rearview mirror like a frightened child) ensuring you failed harder than one usually does when trying to white-out a non-white color.
Solve a Problem? I Can't Solve Problems, This is America!
Watch and learn kiddies, as these brief 20 second conversations on the phone will show you everything WRONG with the modern millennial.
[RING]
-Hey, I think you towed my car
-What kind?
-I dunno, it's my Mom's Honda
-Well, where was it?
-I dunno, somewhere downtown
-Well, I really can't help you until you give me more info
-You mean you don't have any idea what fu*king cars you tow?!
-Don't swear at me, Sir, I have a LOT of cars in impound right now and more than one of them is a Honda
-So, do you have mine?!
-Well, you'll need to be able to tell me what color it is and where it came from first.
-I told you it's a Honda you stupid f*ck...
*CLICK*
Why does this keep happening? Why, WHY, WHYYYYY???!?!?!?. What side of who's bed in another DIMENSION in a PREVIOUS LIFE did I wake up on to suffer this kind of karma?! I'm willing to sacrifice my hypothetical firstborn here just to make it STOP!
[RING]
- Uh, I think you guys towed me
- *cringe* What kind of car and where from?
- Blue Pontiac Vibe, I was at, uh, 234 Potato St.
- *optimism* Yes, we have it, that will be $130 if picked up before midnight, tonight.
- Okay, I'll be out front
- *optimism clutches at it's chest, keels over, expires* Excuse me?
- You need to come get me, I can't get there without a car
- We don't offer that service Sir, you'll have to get here yourself
- WHAT?
- You have to get here yourself, we can't send someone for you
- But you TOOK my car! How am I supposed to do that?!
- Call a cab or walk, it's about eight blocks
- But... but... . You took my car! That's not fair
- Nothing I can do about that Sir, have a nice day
[CLICK]
Well, back to tying that noose, I guess. You know, I really didn't want to go out this way, I really didn't, but you guys forced my hand.
Mommy! Life is Being Mean to me!!!!!
Got a new driver, Fuzzykins.
And he passed his training and drug screen (piece of cake since we poached him from a construction job, if he couldn't piss clean and back up a truck without fatalities, he never would've lasted there long enough to get poached.)
Now, the one last hurdle. Can he handle the great open-air fruitcake market that is our customer base? We've had a few guys who were competent enough with the quip' who flamed out in a day because they couldn't take the verbal abuse.
Well, here's the litmus test. Got a Toyota Camry in a parking lot you need a permit to be in, with no permit, and the come-get-me-now lights are on (hazards for you not in the know)
DUM-Da-dum-DUMM.....
So Fuzzykins goes over to fetch it, gets it lifted up, and who should come a runnin' but Little Angelkinz, the world's most perfect little angel, according to her.
Angelkinz demands to know what's up and is informed she owes us $75 for a drop.
Angelkinz is aghast, can't Fuzzy see she has her lights on and is just loading a few things????
Yes, but, can't Angel see the signs that say "Permit Parking Only" not "Permit Parking or Good Excuses Only"??
Angel whines
Fuzzy reiterates he needs $75
"Where'd you get THAT from!?" Angel asks "You pull that out your BUTT?!"
"nope, outta my price guide, Borough says it's $75 for a drop"
"I wont pay!" says Angelkinz
"Then it'll be $130 when you get to the garage"
"You're making stuff up!" Angel cries and Fury-dials (tm) someone on her phone.. "HERE my Mom wants to talk to you!"
"Well, I don't want to talk to her"
"So you won't?"
"Nope, but if she wants someone to talk to, I'll give her my Mom's number and they can have a chat"
I'm gonna LIKE this guy.
P.S. - She paid, credit, with complimentary Death-Glare (tm).
Mommy! Life is being MEAN to me AGAIN!!!!!!
A little later, another of our drivers is sent out to tow a permitless car in a mandatory permit lot.
He finds it, starts loading it, and then gets that feeling.... that disembodied feeling that you're being watched and/or having your tax returns audited.
Our driver looks around and sees a young man standing on the curb about ten paces from where he's working just... watching him. Not talking, not taking pictures, just watching... silently watching... and judging.... like what my cat is doing to me right now.
Well, if the dude's not going to SAY anything, no reason to stop working, sometimes people just watch you, for whatever reason. Curiosity, fascination, scorn, boredom... whatever. Our man gets the car lifted, strapped, dollied and ready-to-go, and that's when Silent Cal speaks up.
-Are you TOWING that car!?
-Uh, yeah.
-Nuh uh, that's mine and YOU CAN'T TOW MY CAR!!!
-Uh, seeing as I have it loaded, yes, yes I can unless you pay for a drop.
-NO! YOU CAN'T TOW MY CAR, THAT is ILLEGAL! I LIVE HERE!
-Where's your permit then? You need one to park here.
-I DIDN'T GET ONE, AND I DON'T NEED ONE!
-Yes you do, pay now, or I'm leaving, and you'll owe twice as much at impound.
-HOW ABOUT I JUST STAND IN FRONT OF YOU!?
-Then I call the cops, you get arrested, then I leave.
-THAT'S ILLEGAL!!! (well, not in the way HE thinks)
-It's what's going to happen if you don't pay, what's it going to be?
-*Guy steps in front of truck and rage dials* HERE! MY MOM WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!
-I'm not talking to her
-SHE'S A LAWYER!
-Don't care
Now, here's where Momma's Boy makes a critical error, he's trying to tell his Mommy that the meanie truck driver won't talk to her, but she can't hear him over the ambient noise of the tow truck's engine. So, he steps back about three paces, still can't hear, steps back some more.... our driver sees an opening and, guns it.
Before he realized what happened, our driver had swung around him and was rapidly accelerating out of the lot and into the street.
HEY! HEY!!!! MY MOM WANTS TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO YOU!!!! he yelled, futilely, as our truck vanished down the boulevard.
Oh, and for extra futility on his part, he was arguing with Twitch....
He slunk in sometime later and paid double what he ideally should have, had he just solved that problem himself than trying to call in a statement from Mom. You wanna make a statement, that's what they invented Facebook for, not us.
Not Taking No for an Answer
Those of you who follow me may know my car recently snapped a timing chain.
Timing chains/belts are funny things in that once they reach a certain age, they can go at a moment's notice with no prior warning.
They can be whole and healthy today, in pieces and gone tomorrow, and nobody thinks it out-of-the-ordinary, kinda like life in the Tudor Court, I suppose.
Anyway, a gentleman who got his car towed came in to pick it up. Walked into the impound, got in, turned the key, and nothing...
This happens from time to time, you need a jump start because you left on your come-get-me lights when you illegally parked and they ran the battery down, or an interior light was accidentally left on. No big, we'll just hook up the jumper cables, and you can start it.... except it still won't start... that is a big.
We grab one of the service techs from the mechanical side of the business and ask him to come out and see what's up, after a few minutes of observing the evidence diagnoses that the problem is big, very big, car has lost it's timing belt. And, being a 2000 model, this means the loss of the belt has destroyed the motor. (whereas mine just stopped the motor when it broke, not self-destructed it, whoever came up with the inference engine should be trampled by wild beasts)
Naturally, the gentleman doesn't want to shell out the shekels for a new motor anymore than the rest of us. So, first stage of Grief is activated - he refuses to believe it. He instead rolls his lifeless car out into the street behind us and tries his own homebrew approach to fixing it. Not sure what that entailed, but, apparently a friend came by and tried his jumper cables, to no avail, and, I can't confirm this, but one of the service techs said he saw them try to "push start" it, that is, push the car down the street in neutral, and then pop it into gear. A little trick that can start a standard stick shift if the battery is out of commission, except, that wasn't the problem, and this was an automatic car. Who knows what else he may have broke or put some serious premature wear on if that's all true..
Well, that didn't work. So he marched around front and demanded we fix his car because we broke it.
Uh, ex-squeeze-me?
Yeah, since it worked fine BEFORE it got towed and now is NOT working, the only logical conclusion is that WE BROKE IT.
We inform him this isn't musical chairs, and whose property his car happened to be on when it popped it's timing belt was merely a coincidence, not a causal relationship.
Besides, there's nothing involved in towing a car that puts any stress on that part. The wheels are all off the ground, the ride is no rougher on dolly wheels than on your own tires and if the tow did cause the belt to break, then it was so threadbare the next stray particle of background radiation that collided with it was going to do it in. But, that's purely a physics hypothetical, we have never, ever EVER seen a case of a timing chain or belt breaking due to a car being towed.
We can certainly put a new engine in the car, but, that'll be at regular rates. Your belt broke because it was 15 years old and reached the end of it's natural life. Yes it may have been working fine before, but, things tend to work fine right up to the point where they... well... break.
Guy fumes, blusters, kvetches, and then calls Other Guy Towing to come and get the car and take it to the local Honda shop.
Couple days later he's back, his motor is trashed (duh) it's going to cost him $4,000 to replace and he's giving the bill to us.
We inform him we won't pay it, since we didn't break the engine.
He says the guys at the Honda dealer say we did it from towing the car.
We tell him we don't believe him and to get lost. He says he'll be back.
We call up the Honda dealer and ask them if they recall this gentleman. Yes, they say, he came in spinning a tale of woe about how we trashed his car's engine by towing it. They diagnose it, find the timing belt is broken, tell him he's out a motor, quote him a $4,000 replacement estimate and, rather pointedly, DID NOT agree with his hypothesis that towing the car caused it. In fact, they told him they'd NEVER seen that happen.
Shocker I tell ya!
Couple days later, an insurance agent shows up. Seems the gentleman has now made a claim against us to try and write off his $4,000 bill as accidental damage, caused by us.
We sigh, and start to explain to the agent why that's not possible but he just smiles and holds up a hand, saying that "I know this is a bunk claim, there's no way towing a car can do this, I've never seen that happen (sensing a TREND here kids?) I just want to hear you verify that you did tow it on thus-and-such date from thus-and-such location"
We look a the log book and affirm.
The agent shakes his head "Not lookin' good for him, then" and walks out.
Couple days after that, I start seeing some flyers go up around the neighborhood. Being the morbidly curious kind of person, wondering if maybe there's a cat on the loose I can help track down, I pull over to read them.
What's this? Seems like there's a couple Google Earth images here, one of.... Our Garage? and one of, the place where we towed Mr. Broken Timing Belt from.... what's this say now?
Darn, he's pulling out all the stops isn't he? All that's missing is Robert Stack. In fact, I later got flagged down by one of Global Domination Realty's maintenance men who asked me exactly what we did to piss the guy off because he's TWICE had to remove the flyers from his buildings in the area as they're in violation of the "no handbills" rule.
So, you'd think that'd be that, right? I mean, so far he's convinced a grand total of, let's check the scorecard.... ZERO people that we broke his car he's GOT to get the message, right?
He he he, oh so gullible...
We got a letter in the mail today, he's suing us in court
I guess it's true, there's just no fixin' STUPID.
Well, I guess it's time for the company's Martian Death Ray Lawyer to earn his money, but I don't think he'll exactly be breaking a sweat to do it.
NEXT!!!
Let's see what they have wrought.
I KAN ARTZ 2 U KNOW!
Speaking of artists, you apparently fancied yourself one. Why else would you try to bump that expired permit ahead by using the old white out trick? On GREEN paper?
At this point, I'm seriously wondering why you guys keep trying this. My audience is going to get upset at me if I keep rehashing these old, boring, cliche' tales of fail the way Hollywood has been remaking everything for almost 15 years now, and wondering why their box office is down. But what can I do? This is what you're giving me to work with here..... garbage in, compost out.
And it was an obsolete 2014 permit in a shade of green that was no longer in use TWICE over (2016's are a more vibrant hue) and of a size no longer in use (rectangular and dangling like a necktie, not square and hugging the rearview mirror like a frightened child) ensuring you failed harder than one usually does when trying to white-out a non-white color.
Solve a Problem? I Can't Solve Problems, This is America!
Watch and learn kiddies, as these brief 20 second conversations on the phone will show you everything WRONG with the modern millennial.
[RING]
-Hey, I think you towed my car
-What kind?
-I dunno, it's my Mom's Honda
-Well, where was it?
-I dunno, somewhere downtown
-Well, I really can't help you until you give me more info
-You mean you don't have any idea what fu*king cars you tow?!
-Don't swear at me, Sir, I have a LOT of cars in impound right now and more than one of them is a Honda
-So, do you have mine?!
-Well, you'll need to be able to tell me what color it is and where it came from first.
-I told you it's a Honda you stupid f*ck...
*CLICK*
Why does this keep happening? Why, WHY, WHYYYYY???!?!?!?. What side of who's bed in another DIMENSION in a PREVIOUS LIFE did I wake up on to suffer this kind of karma?! I'm willing to sacrifice my hypothetical firstborn here just to make it STOP!
[RING]
- Uh, I think you guys towed me
- *cringe* What kind of car and where from?
- Blue Pontiac Vibe, I was at, uh, 234 Potato St.
- *optimism* Yes, we have it, that will be $130 if picked up before midnight, tonight.
- Okay, I'll be out front
- *optimism clutches at it's chest, keels over, expires* Excuse me?
- You need to come get me, I can't get there without a car
- We don't offer that service Sir, you'll have to get here yourself
- WHAT?
- You have to get here yourself, we can't send someone for you
- But you TOOK my car! How am I supposed to do that?!
- Call a cab or walk, it's about eight blocks
- But... but... . You took my car! That's not fair
- Nothing I can do about that Sir, have a nice day
[CLICK]
Well, back to tying that noose, I guess. You know, I really didn't want to go out this way, I really didn't, but you guys forced my hand.
Mommy! Life is Being Mean to me!!!!!
Got a new driver, Fuzzykins.
And he passed his training and drug screen (piece of cake since we poached him from a construction job, if he couldn't piss clean and back up a truck without fatalities, he never would've lasted there long enough to get poached.)
Now, the one last hurdle. Can he handle the great open-air fruitcake market that is our customer base? We've had a few guys who were competent enough with the quip' who flamed out in a day because they couldn't take the verbal abuse.
Well, here's the litmus test. Got a Toyota Camry in a parking lot you need a permit to be in, with no permit, and the come-get-me-now lights are on (hazards for you not in the know)
DUM-Da-dum-DUMM.....
So Fuzzykins goes over to fetch it, gets it lifted up, and who should come a runnin' but Little Angelkinz, the world's most perfect little angel, according to her.
Angelkinz demands to know what's up and is informed she owes us $75 for a drop.
Angelkinz is aghast, can't Fuzzy see she has her lights on and is just loading a few things????
Yes, but, can't Angel see the signs that say "Permit Parking Only" not "Permit Parking or Good Excuses Only"??
Angel whines
Fuzzy reiterates he needs $75
"Where'd you get THAT from!?" Angel asks "You pull that out your BUTT?!"
"nope, outta my price guide, Borough says it's $75 for a drop"
"I wont pay!" says Angelkinz
"Then it'll be $130 when you get to the garage"
"You're making stuff up!" Angel cries and Fury-dials (tm) someone on her phone.. "HERE my Mom wants to talk to you!"
"Well, I don't want to talk to her"
"So you won't?"
"Nope, but if she wants someone to talk to, I'll give her my Mom's number and they can have a chat"
I'm gonna LIKE this guy.
P.S. - She paid, credit, with complimentary Death-Glare (tm).
Mommy! Life is being MEAN to me AGAIN!!!!!!
A little later, another of our drivers is sent out to tow a permitless car in a mandatory permit lot.
He finds it, starts loading it, and then gets that feeling.... that disembodied feeling that you're being watched and/or having your tax returns audited.
Our driver looks around and sees a young man standing on the curb about ten paces from where he's working just... watching him. Not talking, not taking pictures, just watching... silently watching... and judging.... like what my cat is doing to me right now.
Well, if the dude's not going to SAY anything, no reason to stop working, sometimes people just watch you, for whatever reason. Curiosity, fascination, scorn, boredom... whatever. Our man gets the car lifted, strapped, dollied and ready-to-go, and that's when Silent Cal speaks up.
-Are you TOWING that car!?
-Uh, yeah.
-Nuh uh, that's mine and YOU CAN'T TOW MY CAR!!!
-Uh, seeing as I have it loaded, yes, yes I can unless you pay for a drop.
-NO! YOU CAN'T TOW MY CAR, THAT is ILLEGAL! I LIVE HERE!
-Where's your permit then? You need one to park here.
-I DIDN'T GET ONE, AND I DON'T NEED ONE!
-Yes you do, pay now, or I'm leaving, and you'll owe twice as much at impound.
-HOW ABOUT I JUST STAND IN FRONT OF YOU!?
-Then I call the cops, you get arrested, then I leave.
-THAT'S ILLEGAL!!! (well, not in the way HE thinks)
-It's what's going to happen if you don't pay, what's it going to be?
-*Guy steps in front of truck and rage dials* HERE! MY MOM WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!
-I'm not talking to her
-SHE'S A LAWYER!
-Don't care
Now, here's where Momma's Boy makes a critical error, he's trying to tell his Mommy that the meanie truck driver won't talk to her, but she can't hear him over the ambient noise of the tow truck's engine. So, he steps back about three paces, still can't hear, steps back some more.... our driver sees an opening and, guns it.
Before he realized what happened, our driver had swung around him and was rapidly accelerating out of the lot and into the street.
HEY! HEY!!!! MY MOM WANTS TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO YOU!!!! he yelled, futilely, as our truck vanished down the boulevard.
Oh, and for extra futility on his part, he was arguing with Twitch....
He slunk in sometime later and paid double what he ideally should have, had he just solved that problem himself than trying to call in a statement from Mom. You wanna make a statement, that's what they invented Facebook for, not us.
Not Taking No for an Answer
Those of you who follow me may know my car recently snapped a timing chain.
Timing chains/belts are funny things in that once they reach a certain age, they can go at a moment's notice with no prior warning.
They can be whole and healthy today, in pieces and gone tomorrow, and nobody thinks it out-of-the-ordinary, kinda like life in the Tudor Court, I suppose.
Anyway, a gentleman who got his car towed came in to pick it up. Walked into the impound, got in, turned the key, and nothing...
This happens from time to time, you need a jump start because you left on your come-get-me lights when you illegally parked and they ran the battery down, or an interior light was accidentally left on. No big, we'll just hook up the jumper cables, and you can start it.... except it still won't start... that is a big.
We grab one of the service techs from the mechanical side of the business and ask him to come out and see what's up, after a few minutes of observing the evidence diagnoses that the problem is big, very big, car has lost it's timing belt. And, being a 2000 model, this means the loss of the belt has destroyed the motor. (whereas mine just stopped the motor when it broke, not self-destructed it, whoever came up with the inference engine should be trampled by wild beasts)
Naturally, the gentleman doesn't want to shell out the shekels for a new motor anymore than the rest of us. So, first stage of Grief is activated - he refuses to believe it. He instead rolls his lifeless car out into the street behind us and tries his own homebrew approach to fixing it. Not sure what that entailed, but, apparently a friend came by and tried his jumper cables, to no avail, and, I can't confirm this, but one of the service techs said he saw them try to "push start" it, that is, push the car down the street in neutral, and then pop it into gear. A little trick that can start a standard stick shift if the battery is out of commission, except, that wasn't the problem, and this was an automatic car.
Who knows what else he may have broke or put some serious premature wear on if that's all true..Well, that didn't work. So he marched around front and demanded we fix his car because we broke it.
Uh, ex-squeeze-me?
Yeah, since it worked fine BEFORE it got towed and now is NOT working, the only logical conclusion is that WE BROKE IT.
We inform him this isn't musical chairs, and whose property his car happened to be on when it popped it's timing belt was merely a coincidence, not a causal relationship.
Besides, there's nothing involved in towing a car that puts any stress on that part. The wheels are all off the ground, the ride is no rougher on dolly wheels than on your own tires and if the tow did cause the belt to break, then it was so threadbare the next stray particle of background radiation that collided with it was going to do it in. But, that's purely a physics hypothetical, we have never, ever EVER seen a case of a timing chain or belt breaking due to a car being towed.
We can certainly put a new engine in the car, but, that'll be at regular rates. Your belt broke because it was 15 years old and reached the end of it's natural life. Yes it may have been working fine before, but, things tend to work fine right up to the point where they... well... break.
Guy fumes, blusters, kvetches, and then calls Other Guy Towing to come and get the car and take it to the local Honda shop.
Couple days later he's back, his motor is trashed (duh) it's going to cost him $4,000 to replace and he's giving the bill to us.
We inform him we won't pay it, since we didn't break the engine.
He says the guys at the Honda dealer say we did it from towing the car.
We tell him we don't believe him and to get lost. He says he'll be back.
We call up the Honda dealer and ask them if they recall this gentleman. Yes, they say, he came in spinning a tale of woe about how we trashed his car's engine by towing it. They diagnose it, find the timing belt is broken, tell him he's out a motor, quote him a $4,000 replacement estimate and, rather pointedly, DID NOT agree with his hypothesis that towing the car caused it. In fact, they told him they'd NEVER seen that happen.
Shocker I tell ya!
Couple days later, an insurance agent shows up. Seems the gentleman has now made a claim against us to try and write off his $4,000 bill as accidental damage, caused by us.
We sigh, and start to explain to the agent why that's not possible but he just smiles and holds up a hand, saying that "I know this is a bunk claim, there's no way towing a car can do this, I've never seen that happen (sensing a TREND here kids?
) I just want to hear you verify that you did tow it on thus-and-such date from thus-and-such location"We look a the log book and affirm.
The agent shakes his head "Not lookin' good for him, then" and walks out.
Couple days after that, I start seeing some flyers go up around the neighborhood. Being the morbidly curious kind of person, wondering if maybe there's a cat on the loose I can help track down, I pull over to read them.
What's this? Seems like there's a couple Google Earth images here, one of.... Our Garage? and one of, the place where we towed Mr. Broken Timing Belt from.... what's this say now?
HELP!
My car was damaged by incompetent towing by Friendly Neighborhood Towing. It cost me $4,000 to replace the motor. Anyone who saw anything, please! I need your help!
I was parked at THIS location at 3 pm on mm/dd (even had the parking stall circled) and was towed to HERE
Anyone with any information, PLEASE call xxx-xxxx
My car was damaged by incompetent towing by Friendly Neighborhood Towing. It cost me $4,000 to replace the motor. Anyone who saw anything, please! I need your help!
I was parked at THIS location at 3 pm on mm/dd (even had the parking stall circled) and was towed to HERE
Anyone with any information, PLEASE call xxx-xxxx
Darn, he's pulling out all the stops isn't he? All that's missing is Robert Stack. In fact, I later got flagged down by one of Global Domination Realty's maintenance men who asked me exactly what we did to piss the guy off because he's TWICE had to remove the flyers from his buildings in the area as they're in violation of the "no handbills" rule.
So, you'd think that'd be that, right? I mean, so far he's convinced a grand total of, let's check the scorecard.... ZERO people that we broke his car he's GOT to get the message, right?
He he he, oh so gullible...
We got a letter in the mail today, he's suing us in court
I guess it's true, there's just no fixin' STUPID.
Well, I guess it's time for the company's Martian Death Ray Lawyer to earn his money, but I don't think he'll exactly be breaking a sweat to do it.
NEXT!!!
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