Materials? We don't need no stinkin' materials

[flybye023]

Recently our phone center has been understaffed and I have been underworked. So I volunteered to answer phones a couple of times.

First day:

Me: Thank you for calling Our Store, how can I help you?

Customer (male): Yeah, I need to see if your store carries some materials?.....

Me:.....(thinking, "we have lots of materials, what specifically do you need")

Customer:.....

Me: um, what kind of materials?

Customer: It's a corner that goes on the outside.

Me:....(well that really clarifies things) I'm sorry, I need more details, please.

Customer: It's white and 10 feet.

Me:....(oh that really helps...NOT) I'm sorry, sir, I need you to be really specific so I can transfer you to the right department.

Customer: I have a UPC (gives me the UPC, it's missing numbers and is totally useless)

Me: I'm sorry, that UPC isn't working

Customer: But that's the UPC!

Me: It's not working. Can you give me some specifics so I can transfer your call to the correct department?

Customer: Oohhh, Roofing.

Me: Thank you, here you go.

Second day (actually a couple of weeks later)

Me: Thank you for calling Our Store, how may I help you?

Customer (male, considerably older that 1st customer): Yeah, I need to see if you have some materials?

Me:..(whaaa? here we go again)What kind of materials?

Customer:.... What?!

Me: What kind of merchandise are you looking for?

Customer: I don't know!

Me: (thinking, "well how'm I supposed to know then") What are you going to use it for?

Customer: What?

Me: How will you be using the materials?

Customer: I don't know, you tell me!

Me: Can you tell me what project you're working on?

Customer: What? Look, all I need is some paint. Can you get me to someone who knows about paint? (Actually said somewhat politely)

Me: (so that is what this is all about) Certainly. I'll transfer you right now.

[SonOfSpam]

So these guys think you can somehow read minds? That's like me calling Meijer's and saying, "I need some groceries"

[friendofjimmyk]

UGH!!! It's like the folks that call for roadside assistance and the first question out of their mouth is:

SC: Yeah, how soon can you get a truck here?
ME: Uh, where?
SC: Here at (insert name of a very long street that stretches a few cities)
ME: Well, what do you need it for? (depending on what is wrong with the vehicle - would determine what type of truck to send!)
SC: My car broke down!
ME: (oh, I would have love to be able to say "NO, REALLY? You don't say!") What happened to the car?
SC: I think I may just need a jumpstart, or I might be out of gas. Maybe it needs to be towed. (that could be three different types of service trucks)
ME: Let's try this over. What is your membership number?
SC: HOW SOON CAN THEY BE HERE?
ME: I need this info before I can tell you...

This would often go on forever. Also, it happened on almost every call. The first question "How long will it take?"

[Worker-Intellectual]

Wow... "materials"... They might as well just say "I want stuff. It's for a thing."

[Phone Jockey]

Mine begin: "Hey, I need some cable."

Me: What level of service are you seeking, sir?

Idiot: You know, just some channels and sh*t. (yes, they say things like this)

Me: Well, we have these packages...blah blah blah.

Idiot: I didn't need to know all that! Just gimme some G-D cable!

[HawaiianShirts]

They might as well just say "I want stuff. It's for a thing."

When I worked at the pizza place, that actually was an effective conversation sometimes. If a customer asked for "stuff" to put on their pizza, they wanted parmesean cheese. If they asked for the "things" to put on their pizza, they were referring to dried pepper flakes.

And it was disturbing how often I would understand perfectly what my manager wanted when she said, "Hey, HawaiianShirts. Do you know where the thing is? Y'know, for the thing?"

But it doesn't work anymore. I often get customers telling me "I need to upgrade my computer" and expecting me to know exactly what they want to upgrade, what they need to do it, and how much it'll cost to have a professional do the work.

[Jester]

This is not a movie!

Okay, this is how it goes in the movie:

BARTENDER: "What can I get for you, sir?"
CUSTOMER: "I'll have a beer."
BARTENDER: "Certainly. Here you go."

That is in the movies. The movies are not real life, and it just doesn't work like that. See, we have several different brands and styles of beer, some draft, some bottle. So this is how it goes when JESTER is bartending:

JESTER: "What can I get for you, sir?
CUSTOMER: "I'll have a beer."
JESTER: "Would you care to specify a particular flavor?"
CUSTOMER: "..."
JESTER: "Let me rephrase it...what kind of beer do you want?"

Look, unless your phone number starts with a 555 prefix, ordering a generic beer works only in two situations....if you are actually a character IN a movie, or if you are a regular that the bartender knows so well that you can get away with that. And generally speaking...you're neither, pal!


THREE DAYS TILL VACATION! (And I won't have to deal with suckass customers for a week!)

[AFpheonix]

I get the "I'd like to get a refill, I don't know my rx #, I don't know the name of the script, I don't know what I use it for. It's a little white pill."

Nevermind that these guys are on like, 12 maintenance meds, several of which can be described as "little white pills."

[Kiwi]

customer: I need some ribbon
me: ok what kind do you need?
c: ya know, ribbon!
me: okay what are you using it for? we have many different types so I need to narrow it down
c: red ribbon
me: *headdesk* *bursts a blood vessel* ok well we have curling ribbon, florists ribbon, silk ribbon, velvet ribbon, dress ribbon, satin ribbon, half satin ribbon, wired ribbon, craft ribbon, wedding car ribbon, gift wrap ribbon, bias binding ribbon, hemming ribbon, elastic ribbon.... you get my point
customer: what was the third one again?

this is a sample of what went on, with wool, elastic, needles etc etc.
dont ya just LOVE it when people dont know what they want!

[Rapscallion]

SC: Here at (insert name of a very long street that stretches a few cities)

Hmm - Yonge Street?

It's the only one I know in the colonies of any appreciable length, but it's a doozy.

Rapscallion

[gundam40]

Hmm - Yonge Street?
Rapscallion

My first guess too... World's longest street, I think?

[Think Blue]

I get these morons all the time

Client:I need to place a bulk order for vitamins (now you'd think since they are ordering the product they have the information in front of them)

Me:What kind of vitamins?

Client:You know the red ones

Me:I need the name or the product number(red ones doesnt really help)

Client:I don't know the name, we always order from you and its always the red ones

Me:My records show your company has only ordered from us once and you actually ordered two types of vitamins with red coating.

Client:OMG CAN YOU TRANSFER ME TO SOMEONE WITH HALF A BRAIN

Me: okay -click-

[scruff]

I used to survey buildings and land for two bosses, one who never finished sentances and one who used technical jargon and local slang.

"We need the distance from...... *waves hands around vaguely* ..... to, um.........."
Followed by several minuites of silence whilst I placed the tapemeasure on random bits of wall till his eyes lit up and I got a "thats it! now we need the distance to, um......"

The other boss once told me "We need a change point on the end of that snicket."
Now _that_ took a bit of deciphering.
:-)
(a change point is the staffman stands still while the chap with the tripod moves, instead of the otherway round, and a snicket turned out to be slang for an alley.)

[Rapscallion]

We still use snicket over here, as well as 'ginnel' (same thing).

Rapscallion, colloquial

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

I hate that. It's even worse in a field where there are thousands of possible combinations of options.

I want a computer.

Certainly sir, what kind of computer do you want/need (pulling out my price sheets)

A computer that does things

<twitch>What kinds of things do you need the computer to do?

you know...computer things

<twitch>