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These people have seriously deadened by humanity. I caught myself making fun of a commercial for some charity before I left for work tonight. I hung my head and went to go weep in the corner for a few minutes. -.-
Skytrain Goes Where?
Bizzare Answers to Mundane Questions:
Transit Cop: What station are you going too?
Girl: Jamaica station, baby!
Wow, I was going to get off at Edmonds on my way home. But now I think I'll hold out for Jamaica.
Vaguely
Me: "Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: I need a hotel room!"
Me: "Ok, in what city?"
SC: "I don't know."
You know most of my callers are usually trying to fit the square peg into the round hole. You however have neglected to even bring the square peg. Do you want to take a wild guess at where you are? Or shall I just start reading off cities and you can pick the one that sounds the coolest?
Surreal
Wow, you were polite, reasonable, understanding and spoke perfect English. Who are you and what have you done with my regular callers? Wait, don't answer that. In fact, you can keep them. Heck, if you can spare a few minutes I even have some suggestions on what to do with them. Get a pen, you're going to need to take some notes. I warn you it does involve a liter of A-1 sauce, a starving cougar, a pair of rhinestone nipple clips and an empty Walmart, but I promise it will solve both of our problems.
Point of View
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "I think its morning!"
This may come as a stunning blow to your self esteem, but its psychologically impossible for me to care any less about what you think at this point. The fact that you're calling from Ontario but also admit you knew full well you were calling BC, and thus are aware of the time difference, renders your thought processes even more irrelevant. Shoo.
Ah Ha! A clue, Sherlock!
Me: "What are you in custody for?"
SC: "I don't man know! This is bs! We were like camping right and my buddy got in a fight with a bunch of guys. So they arrested him but they arrested me too! I was just sitting there at the camp site all night. I didn't do nothin'!"
Me: "So you don't know what you're in custody for?"
( Psst….they can't arrest you without telling you why. Listen better next time and I'm sure there WILL be a next time. )
SC: "I had a warrant out for me cus I was driving without insurance. But I was just sittin at the camp site, I didn't do nothing!"
You have a warrant out for your arrest and you don't know why the cops arrested you? The dots aren't too far apart here, Sparky. In fact I'd say they're practically touching. You don't even have to draw a line to connect them. I can't even believe you just told me that. You have a warrant out for your arrest yet you don't know why they arrested you. How did your train of thought even go by that? Do you even have a train of thought? Or is more like two monkeys on one of those old fashion rail carts with the lever you have to push up and down to make it move?
Budget Bustin'
Me: "Alright, the lowest rate I have there is $53 at the <hotel>"
SC: "53$? Don't you have anything cheaper?"
Me: "That's the lowest rate I have in the city."
SC: "What is it with the discount?"
Me: "That is the discount"
SC: "Does that include tax and transportation?"
Me: "No, that is the flat rate."
SC: "Don't you have anything else?"
Me: "I do have other hotels, but this is the lowest rate of them all."
SC: "Do you have the <other hotel>?"
Me: "Yes, but the rate there is $57."
SC: "Don't you have anything cheaper!?"
I hear the filthy, grim encrusted crawl space between the hangers that may or may not serve as a festering breeding ground for small rodents that smell vaguely like pee and jet exhaust is offering a pretty low rate. It’s a steal really. Even you, who must have just spent half your life savings on this call, would be able to afford it.
Technical Genius
Me: "I believe <pet store name> is using <software>, is that correct?"
OC: "Huh? <pet store name>? That's the wine rack."
Me: ".......the wine rack?"
OC: "Huh?"
Me: "<pet store name> is normally <software> if I recall correctly. Is that right?"
OC: "Yeah, <software>."
Half-wit? Confused store clerk? Nope. That right there is our on call technician. Wine rack? What the hell....
The Parkade - Part 1
SC: "Our car's locked in the parkade! The sign said it was open till 10:30 and we came back at 10:37 and it was locked!"
Soooo, what you're saying then is that you're surprised it closed at the time the sign said it was suppose to close. Ok, gotcha. Sooo….you're upset their punctual?
The Parkade - Part 2
( She called back when the company didn't respond to the page and call her back inside of like 45 seconds. )
SC: "Our car's still stuck. No one's come yet. Did you get a hold of them?"
Me: "I don't contact them directly. I'm only a paging service, but I have paged them for you."
SC: "Is there a time he's suppose to come?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm only their paging service."
SC: "Do you have a number for them that?"
Me: "No, sorry, we're *only* their paging service. We're not part of their company. I do not have any alternative contacts. They *only* have paging service with us."
SC: "Well when do they normally check on the parkade?"
Me: "I don't know, we're only their paging service. I can page them for you, but that is all I can do to assist you."
Ignoring vital information seems to be a running theme with you. I suppose everyone needs a…."talent.". God must have been last minute shopping at the dollar store on the day you were standing in line though.
The Parkade - Part 3 ( Hat Trick! )
( and called back again.... )
SC: "Yeah we called a little while ago? Did you get a hold of them? Is anyone coming?"
Me: "I am only their paging service. All I can do is page them for you again."
SC: "Do you know what their schedule is?"
Me: "No, sorry. We're a separate company. We are not <company name>. We're their paging service. I have no information about their policies or procedures."
SC: "Is someone coming? They haven't called us."
Me: "I do not know. We're their paging service. We're a separate company. I can only page them for you. I do not know where their staff is currently or what their schedule is. All I can do is them to call you again."
Argh. How many times must I spell it out for you? How many packs of loose leaf am I going to need here before any of this begins to sink in? Tell me now, because I'll run down to Staples and grab it if it will save me from your witless, incessant questioning. Heck, if you give me a minute I can whip up a quick Powerpoint presentation or something for you too.
Gotcha
( Roofing company... )
SC: "If it don't ring den I'm jus out cuttin' a lil fiarwood."
Me: "….alright."
SC: "I do gotta cut me a lil fiarwood tommara'"
On the plus side it shouldn't be too expensive to install a roof for you. Of course, the hardest part will be getting the tiles to stick to the thatch….
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Have Not Yet Taken the Life of Another
( This guy is calling an emergency line you're only really suppose to call if your building is on fire. )
SC: "I lost my keys and the concierge won't let me in! I've lived here for 3 years! The old concierge would unlock my door for me! Tell him to let me in!"
Me: "Unfortunately, I can't do anything about lock outs afterhours and I cannot override the concierge's decision."
SC: "Tell him to let me in! You can do that!"
Me: "No, I can't. I have no authority to tell him that unfortunately."
SC: "Then call his supervisor and make his supervisor tell him to let me in!"
Me: "I cannot do that, I can't assist you with a lock out. I can only assist with property management emergencies."
SC: "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! He won't let me in!"
Me: "I don't have the authority to override him."
SC: "So what you're saying is you don't give a *(&@$ about me!"
Me: "No, I'm saying I don't have any avenue I can take that would help you."
SC: "You're saying you don't give a @$$%! You won't last long with that attitude!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I simply do not have any option at my disposal that would be of any help to you."
SC: "That's NOT GOOD ENOUGH! You're going to be in trouble there! I'm going to write a letter to them about you and him!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I do not have any control over the company's policies and procedures. I'm their answering service so I'm part of a separate company."
SC: "THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!~# TELL HIM TO LET ME IN"
Me: "I can't override him, he's the concierge of your building."
SC: "THEN GET HIS SUPERVISOR TO DO IT."
Me: "There's no one I can contact at this time of night that can override him."
SC: "THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but if that’s what the concierge has decided I can't tell him otherwise."
I'm summarizing, because I endured this guy's shrieking, childish self important hissy fit for a sum total of literally 6 minutes.
Tell you what, since you're being such a great caller put the concierge on the phone and I'll see what I can do. I don't know if I really have any kind of authority over the guy but there's one way to find out. So let me talk to him for a minute and then if he escorts you outside, plants a foot on your arse and kicks you into the path of an oncoming truck, you'll know that I do indeed have the authority. Once the paramedics are done stabilizing you and you regain consciousness, give me a call back and I'll have him let you in, deal?
Defeat
Me: "Good morning, AMPM Services."
SC: "Hi, I'm having a problem with my till here."
Me: "Alright, what system is it?"
SC: "uuuuhhhhh………<click>"
Wow, defeated by the first question? That’s impressive. Did you want to insert another quarter and try again? I promise I'll start with something easier like "What's your name" or "What colour is your beer cooler".
A Cunning Plan
SC: "Oh, hi, yeah. I lost 2 of ma phones n' I want em reported in cus they was stolen. So I don' get charged for anything"
Me: "Alright, let's see here…"
SC: "But can you turn em back in 30 days in case we find em?"
Wait, what? So you just want them reported stolen for 30 days? That’s….unusual. You're either very optimistic or very poor at formulating whatever seemingly clever scheme it is you have in mind.
Ice Cream!
( 4am... )
SC: "Yeah I put my money in the machine and it didn't give me my ice cream."
Me: "Ok, did you need the office to arrange for a refund?"
SC: "No, I want my damn ice cream!"
Me: "Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that this early in the morning. I can arrange f-"
SC: "I want my ice cream! &$)&@! <click>"
Does it say Intercontinental Ballistic Haagen Daas Delivery System somewhere on my shirt that I'm not aware of? No? Then get bent. After you've accomplished that have someone tie you to a lamp post and attempt to unbend you with jeep winch.
Days off!
Skytrain Goes Where?
Bizzare Answers to Mundane Questions:
Transit Cop: What station are you going too?
Girl: Jamaica station, baby!
Wow, I was going to get off at Edmonds on my way home. But now I think I'll hold out for Jamaica.
Vaguely
Me: "Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: I need a hotel room!"
Me: "Ok, in what city?"
SC: "I don't know."
You know most of my callers are usually trying to fit the square peg into the round hole. You however have neglected to even bring the square peg. Do you want to take a wild guess at where you are? Or shall I just start reading off cities and you can pick the one that sounds the coolest?
Surreal
Wow, you were polite, reasonable, understanding and spoke perfect English. Who are you and what have you done with my regular callers? Wait, don't answer that. In fact, you can keep them. Heck, if you can spare a few minutes I even have some suggestions on what to do with them. Get a pen, you're going to need to take some notes. I warn you it does involve a liter of A-1 sauce, a starving cougar, a pair of rhinestone nipple clips and an empty Walmart, but I promise it will solve both of our problems.
Point of View
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "I think its morning!"
This may come as a stunning blow to your self esteem, but its psychologically impossible for me to care any less about what you think at this point. The fact that you're calling from Ontario but also admit you knew full well you were calling BC, and thus are aware of the time difference, renders your thought processes even more irrelevant. Shoo.
Ah Ha! A clue, Sherlock!
Me: "What are you in custody for?"
SC: "I don't man know! This is bs! We were like camping right and my buddy got in a fight with a bunch of guys. So they arrested him but they arrested me too! I was just sitting there at the camp site all night. I didn't do nothin'!"
Me: "So you don't know what you're in custody for?"
( Psst….they can't arrest you without telling you why. Listen better next time and I'm sure there WILL be a next time. )
SC: "I had a warrant out for me cus I was driving without insurance. But I was just sittin at the camp site, I didn't do nothing!"
You have a warrant out for your arrest and you don't know why the cops arrested you? The dots aren't too far apart here, Sparky. In fact I'd say they're practically touching. You don't even have to draw a line to connect them. I can't even believe you just told me that. You have a warrant out for your arrest yet you don't know why they arrested you. How did your train of thought even go by that? Do you even have a train of thought? Or is more like two monkeys on one of those old fashion rail carts with the lever you have to push up and down to make it move?
Budget Bustin'
Me: "Alright, the lowest rate I have there is $53 at the <hotel>"
SC: "53$? Don't you have anything cheaper?"
Me: "That's the lowest rate I have in the city."
SC: "What is it with the discount?"
Me: "That is the discount"
SC: "Does that include tax and transportation?"
Me: "No, that is the flat rate."
SC: "Don't you have anything else?"
Me: "I do have other hotels, but this is the lowest rate of them all."
SC: "Do you have the <other hotel>?"
Me: "Yes, but the rate there is $57."
SC: "Don't you have anything cheaper!?"
I hear the filthy, grim encrusted crawl space between the hangers that may or may not serve as a festering breeding ground for small rodents that smell vaguely like pee and jet exhaust is offering a pretty low rate. It’s a steal really. Even you, who must have just spent half your life savings on this call, would be able to afford it.
Technical Genius
Me: "I believe <pet store name> is using <software>, is that correct?"
OC: "Huh? <pet store name>? That's the wine rack."
Me: ".......the wine rack?"
OC: "Huh?"
Me: "<pet store name> is normally <software> if I recall correctly. Is that right?"
OC: "Yeah, <software>."
Half-wit? Confused store clerk? Nope. That right there is our on call technician. Wine rack? What the hell....
The Parkade - Part 1
SC: "Our car's locked in the parkade! The sign said it was open till 10:30 and we came back at 10:37 and it was locked!"
Soooo, what you're saying then is that you're surprised it closed at the time the sign said it was suppose to close. Ok, gotcha. Sooo….you're upset their punctual?
The Parkade - Part 2
( She called back when the company didn't respond to the page and call her back inside of like 45 seconds. )
SC: "Our car's still stuck. No one's come yet. Did you get a hold of them?"
Me: "I don't contact them directly. I'm only a paging service, but I have paged them for you."
SC: "Is there a time he's suppose to come?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm only their paging service."
SC: "Do you have a number for them that?"
Me: "No, sorry, we're *only* their paging service. We're not part of their company. I do not have any alternative contacts. They *only* have paging service with us."
SC: "Well when do they normally check on the parkade?"
Me: "I don't know, we're only their paging service. I can page them for you, but that is all I can do to assist you."
Ignoring vital information seems to be a running theme with you. I suppose everyone needs a…."talent.". God must have been last minute shopping at the dollar store on the day you were standing in line though.
The Parkade - Part 3 ( Hat Trick! )
( and called back again.... )
SC: "Yeah we called a little while ago? Did you get a hold of them? Is anyone coming?"
Me: "I am only their paging service. All I can do is page them for you again."
SC: "Do you know what their schedule is?"
Me: "No, sorry. We're a separate company. We are not <company name>. We're their paging service. I have no information about their policies or procedures."
SC: "Is someone coming? They haven't called us."
Me: "I do not know. We're their paging service. We're a separate company. I can only page them for you. I do not know where their staff is currently or what their schedule is. All I can do is them to call you again."
Argh. How many times must I spell it out for you? How many packs of loose leaf am I going to need here before any of this begins to sink in? Tell me now, because I'll run down to Staples and grab it if it will save me from your witless, incessant questioning. Heck, if you give me a minute I can whip up a quick Powerpoint presentation or something for you too.
Gotcha
( Roofing company... )
SC: "If it don't ring den I'm jus out cuttin' a lil fiarwood."
Me: "….alright."
SC: "I do gotta cut me a lil fiarwood tommara'"
On the plus side it shouldn't be too expensive to install a roof for you. Of course, the hardest part will be getting the tiles to stick to the thatch….
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Have Not Yet Taken the Life of Another
( This guy is calling an emergency line you're only really suppose to call if your building is on fire. )
SC: "I lost my keys and the concierge won't let me in! I've lived here for 3 years! The old concierge would unlock my door for me! Tell him to let me in!"
Me: "Unfortunately, I can't do anything about lock outs afterhours and I cannot override the concierge's decision."
SC: "Tell him to let me in! You can do that!"
Me: "No, I can't. I have no authority to tell him that unfortunately."
SC: "Then call his supervisor and make his supervisor tell him to let me in!"
Me: "I cannot do that, I can't assist you with a lock out. I can only assist with property management emergencies."
SC: "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! He won't let me in!"
Me: "I don't have the authority to override him."
SC: "So what you're saying is you don't give a *(&@$ about me!"
Me: "No, I'm saying I don't have any avenue I can take that would help you."
SC: "You're saying you don't give a @$$%! You won't last long with that attitude!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I simply do not have any option at my disposal that would be of any help to you."
SC: "That's NOT GOOD ENOUGH! You're going to be in trouble there! I'm going to write a letter to them about you and him!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I do not have any control over the company's policies and procedures. I'm their answering service so I'm part of a separate company."
SC: "THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!~# TELL HIM TO LET ME IN"
Me: "I can't override him, he's the concierge of your building."
SC: "THEN GET HIS SUPERVISOR TO DO IT."
Me: "There's no one I can contact at this time of night that can override him."
SC: "THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but if that’s what the concierge has decided I can't tell him otherwise."
I'm summarizing, because I endured this guy's shrieking, childish self important hissy fit for a sum total of literally 6 minutes.
Tell you what, since you're being such a great caller put the concierge on the phone and I'll see what I can do. I don't know if I really have any kind of authority over the guy but there's one way to find out. So let me talk to him for a minute and then if he escorts you outside, plants a foot on your arse and kicks you into the path of an oncoming truck, you'll know that I do indeed have the authority. Once the paramedics are done stabilizing you and you regain consciousness, give me a call back and I'll have him let you in, deal?
Defeat
Me: "Good morning, AMPM Services."
SC: "Hi, I'm having a problem with my till here."
Me: "Alright, what system is it?"
SC: "uuuuhhhhh………<click>"
Wow, defeated by the first question? That’s impressive. Did you want to insert another quarter and try again? I promise I'll start with something easier like "What's your name" or "What colour is your beer cooler".
A Cunning Plan
SC: "Oh, hi, yeah. I lost 2 of ma phones n' I want em reported in cus they was stolen. So I don' get charged for anything"
Me: "Alright, let's see here…"
SC: "But can you turn em back in 30 days in case we find em?"
Wait, what? So you just want them reported stolen for 30 days? That’s….unusual. You're either very optimistic or very poor at formulating whatever seemingly clever scheme it is you have in mind.
Ice Cream!
( 4am... )
SC: "Yeah I put my money in the machine and it didn't give me my ice cream."
Me: "Ok, did you need the office to arrange for a refund?"
SC: "No, I want my damn ice cream!"
Me: "Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that this early in the morning. I can arrange f-"
SC: "I want my ice cream! &$)&@! <click>"
Does it say Intercontinental Ballistic Haagen Daas Delivery System somewhere on my shirt that I'm not aware of? No? Then get bent. After you've accomplished that have someone tie you to a lamp post and attempt to unbend you with jeep winch.
Days off!
You da man.
And we'd all have one less idiot to deal with. 
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