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Qualifications
SC: "Yeah, I was trying fix truck lighting"
Me: "Pardon? Track lighting?"
SC: "Yeah, and breaker went off. I dunno how to fix it. I think it's a fuse or something."
Let me get this straight: You don't know how to change a fuse but you're attempting to fix your own track lighting. This seems tragically unwise. In fact, since you managed to trip a breaker, that would imply you've already succeeded in shorting something out. Unfortunately, since you're phoning me instead of 911, you must have failed to prove Darwin right. You're not going to give up that easily are you? That track lighting isn't going to fix itself. I bet I know the problem too: The wiring's probably dirty. Give it a good scrub down with a wet cloth first. No, no need to hang up. I can hold. I'll sit here and quietly cheer you on while I listen for any sound of your "success".
Timing
SC: "Yeah, I jus saw an ad in the paper-"
You know what? Its 11:30pm. Based on your area code that would make it 2:30am your time. So I'm going to let you in on a little secret: The newspaper will still be there in the morning. No one's going to steal your newspaper while you sleep. Whatever hallucinatory gremlins, mogwai, pixies or ewoks that are haunting your waking hours are purely figments of your psychosis and cannot actually remove articles from your home. If it makes you feel any better you can tell Gizmo to go to Hell before you go to bed. That'll learn em.
Rare Occurrences
SC: "I just paid my MGL bill at your little machine here and I was wondering how long it takes to post?"
Me: "It typically takes 1-3 business days to post."
SC: "1-3 business days? Alright, great. Thanks, bye"
Me: "Ye-"
SC: "<click>"
….but….what….that's it? You're not going to argue? You're not going to demand I speed it up? You're not going to demand your money back? You're just going to politely accept it, be reasonable and hang up? Wha….th……but…..no, come back! I love you!
Irrelevant Details
Me: "Is there any particular time you'd like them to call?"
SC: "Well, I'm gonna be out in a few hours here…gotta get ma hair cut. Then I might be out mowin' the lawn…."
Yes, more, MORE. I require more utterly irrelevant details on your life! Wait, wait, no, this isn't fair. I should outline what I'm going to do for the rest of the day too so you to can experience the thrill of listening to pointless drivel from a complete stranger. After I manage to stumble my way to the Skytrain I may or may not pass out on the trip home. Provided I don't wake up in Surrey I'll somehow manage to find my way home. Then I'll stick my head in the freezer for half an hour. Then I'll stumble into bed and attempt to sleep through the heat, sun and my landlord's incessant need to mow all of creation. I may even get up once or twice to get a glass of water and scratch myself inappropriately.
Cool
Me: "Ok, what time did you make the payment?"
SC: "Around 9:30."
Me: "AM or PM?"
SC: "Noon."
Whoa, did you feel that? The very flow of time actually lurched forward there for a moment. Incredible. Do it again.
Tech Support <sob>
SC: "It says its trynna connect to the server but its jus sitting there"
Me: "Ah, alright. Do you have a firewall installed?"
SC: "Do you hafta be connected to the internet?"
Me: "…yes."
That would be helpful. Next time please identify yourself as woefully computer illiterate faster. The sooner I realize you're not even remotely qualified to own a computer the faster I can lower my line of inquiry to a more primitive level you can understand such as "Is the computer plugged in?".
and again....
SC: "Ya, I'm trynna install yer softwar n' I jus wanna make sure I'm doin' it right."
Me: "Ok."
SC: "Now I stuck the disk in an' it's sayin' somethin' bout autoplee sh'yall.exe, run'?"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Sh'yall.exe. S-h-e-l-l.exe"
Wait, you're being foiled by your laptop's Autoplay settings? <sigh> Well at least you identified yourself much faster then the previous caller. So I will award you a handful of brownie points for that anyway. Don't spend them all in one place. There's no telling how long it'll be before you ever get your grubby paws on more.
....
SC: "Yew doin' alright todae?"
Me: "Yes, I'm doing good."
SC: "….Good…...thas a good thing….real good...."
…..I have no wish to emit distressed noises akin to a swine while two banjos do battle in the background. Please spare me.
Day Two: Complete.
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