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Customers are starting to bug me again... And I can't pick them off fast enough. I can only shoot so many... So I figured I'd post a refresher. - RB
1. Sit beside your child at all times. I don’t care if you want to get up and make Suzie or Timmy laugh for the picture. That’s my job. Your job is to make sure your brat doesn’t stand up on the poser and fall off onto his head. Sit, hold onto your brat and shut up. I don’t like getting sued, especially when it’s YOUR fault.
2. YOUR BRAT CANNOT STAND ON THE POSER TABLE! NO! NON! NEIN! NYET! There is no way in hell I am risking my job because Timmy won’t sit his ass down. There is a solution to this, I will end the session and reschedule your appointment. If your kid is screaming up a storm and won’t sit still, I’m not going to risk his safety and my job for your ‘perfect family shot’. End of discussion.
3. If getting Timmy to smile is a problem, perhaps you should bring more than one person with you. This is important if you have more than one kid, twins, etc. Don’t expect me to babysit, and I’m going to try my best to hit you with a clue-by-four without being rude. Here’s a hint, if *I* am the one sitting beside Jr. and you’re standing by the camera, something is DEFINITELY wrong with this picture. No pun intended.
4. I’m trying to get your kid to have a pleasing expression. If your kid won’t smile, be happy with the fact that he isn’t bawling. It’s not the end of the world if Jr. isn’t smiling. I’m sure grandma would be happy with a picture of her grandkids, whether they’re smiling or not.
5. Speaking of which, if I’m trying to get a picture of all your brats behaving themselves, and your kids are too young to know the mechanics of a smile, you berating them, calling them names, and telling them that grandma, daddy, and I are going to be disappointed because their smile is not up to your standards, is NOT going to help. Leave me out of your fucked up parenting techniques.
6. I *have* to take 7 pictures. It’s my job. I know you came in for the 1 pose portrait package, but if you haven’t figured it out, it’s a hook to get you into the studio. Don’t scream at me and my staff because you are too stupid to figure out a sales tactic.
7. I have 30 minute appointment slots for a reason. Those who make appointments take precedence over walk-in appointments. Learn that no means no. When I tell you I have an appointment coming in 10 minutes and that I can’t just ‘squeeze you in’, take a hint and book an appointment for later. Harassment is not going to make me bump the other person who was smart enough to book an appointment. Yes walk-ins are welcome, but this doesn’t give you carte-blanche to be a bitch about it.
8. I am only one person. If I am with a client, this is their time. They’re paying for this session, and I am going to make them my priority. If you want a passport/portrait, I’ll be happy to make you an appointment for later, but I’m not going to drop everything to accommodate you. You may be the almighty customer, but you’re the almighty customer with about 12 people ahead of you in the line.
9. If I am with a client and you have an appointment and my session is running a little long please be understanding. There’s an old saying in the movie business that certain directors refuse to work with animals or children. There’s a reason for this; children and animals are unpredictable, and it takes time to get them to do what you want them to. I try to give everyone the same type of quality service. When you’re with me, it’s our time and I’m going to give you the best I can.
10. I don’t care if you just came in for the advertised cheapy package. Everyone ONLY comes in for the ad package. That’s our gimmick, deal with it. Along with having to shoot 7 photos, I’m required to attempt to get you to buy the additional 6 poses. You don’t have any obligation to buy them, but you don’t have to be a complete asshole when I go through the various packages.
11. We don’t do nude shots, we don’t do topless shots and we don’t shoot anybody over the age of 12 mos in a bathing suit. We don’t. Period. Get a clue, you can't get your photos done in an adult diaper and if you want a studio shot with you in pimp gear with bathing suit bimbos on your arm? No. Just, NO!
12. Read your receipt. Your pick-up time for your photos is printed up top. They will not be available until this date. I don’t care if your friend picked up her portraits today, yours aren’t here. I’ve already torn up this place upside down. They’re NOT here. Why would I screw myself out of a sale by hiding your photos? Are you on crack?!
13. As well-meaning as you may be, you making goofy faces at the kid while you’re sitting beside him isn’t helping me. My job is not only to make him smile, but to make him look at the camera. You distracting him isn’t helping me, it’s drawing this out into a long saga, and chances are if your kid isn’t smiling, he’s tired, teething and sick of all this portrait bullshit. Let me do my job, and hold your kid.
14. You screaming and threatening me because I’m not giving you what you want isn’t going to change the situation. You’re still not going to get what you want, I can’t give you what I don’t have. The Sampler 3 ½ x5 portraits of your 7 poses with the mat board are a random gimmick done to random customers. I don’t have any control over it. So screaming at me because there isn’t any samplers in your portrait package and ‘there was last time!’ isn’t going to change it. I can’t order them, it’s at the developer’s discretion, not mine. Get out of my face or I’m calling security.
15. Equipment malfunction is always a possibility and despite the fact you think the world revolves around you, it doesn’t and the camera isn’t fucking up because we hate you. I don’t care about you enough to hate you. If the camera is malfunctioning, give me a chance to try to correct it. Sometimes shit happens. Deal with it. We’ll comp your studio session and reschedule it for a time when we have the camera in working order.
16. Our session is like any other time with a camera. Each session has 24 shots. If your squirmy kid won’t stop crying, if you don’t stop being so damned picky, you will lose out on shots, and you won’t get the proper 7 shots that you’re entitled to. So again, I am in a balancing act of getting you exactly what you want, vs. getting you the shots you’re entitled to. Please work with me and not against me.
17. Please don’t come to my counter and bark out a last name and expect me to instantly know what you’re talking about. You could be my next appointment, you could have photos in, you may have amnesia and trying to confirm that’s who you are. How in the hell am I supposed to know?!
18. I go to lunch from 2-3. I may be nothing but a retail automaton to you, but I do require food and water from time to time. I will NOT make an exception just because you want to see if your photos are in, just because it’s the ONLY time you can get Timmy to get his photos done, just because you ‘just want a passport.’ And even if I’m not eating, I’m probably using this time to get caught up on paperwork so I’m not here until midnight closing up. So FUCK OFF!
19. Closed means CLOSED. It does not mean wander into my studio and ask if you can get a passport done. It does not mean you can ‘just see’ if your photos/canvas portrait is in. It means everything is shut down. It means I can’t access the computers to see if your photos are in, it means I can’t ring you through. It means I AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!
20. I am a portrait studio employee. I don’t have anything to do with ***-M*rt. I don’t know where the ass cream is, I don’t know where you can find a manager. I don’t know where you can find an associate to help you. Look for somebody in a blue smock. Mine’s tan, are you colour blind?
21. I can’t change the advertised package. That’s what you get in it. That’s why it’s an ad package. If you want to pick and chose your sizes, poses, etc, get one of the portrait packages with your 6 poses that are offered. Then if you don’t like 8x10s, 10x13s… You can change it! Stop watching those crap consumer shows on 20-20 which teach you how to manipulate and screw the system. It’s not going to work with me.
22. Don’t just wander into my studio while I’m with a client. Do I wander into your house without being invited? Do I? No because it’s rude and an invasion of privacy. Get OUT!
23. I’ll return the calls on the answering machine when I get 5 minutes to myself. Until then don’t phone 500 times and clog up my machine asking if I’m there. I am, I can hear your message, but customers in my studio take priority over you. I’m sorry but they do. Besides, if you’re going to ask stupid questions like “how much would x + x + x + x be?” Come down and get your portraits shot and THEN I’ll go through the packages with you. Dumbass.
24. Don’t get mad if while I’m fighting with the computer and ringing up your order, I answer the phone. Chances are it’s one of those stupid people who can’t read a phonebook and are calling looking for the 1-hour photo.
25. This is a portrait studio. It’s not the set of Mr.Dressup. We have a couple pairs of wings, a feather boa and a few hats. Don’t get pissy with me because Timmy saw something in an ad (which probably wasn’t for our studio in the first place) and we don’t have it. We’re a TINY studio and there is barely enough room for my staff and the bare-bones equipment that we need to operate, where do you suppose we KEEP these dress up outfits that you so desperately need in your photo?
26. When you bring Suzie to get her pictures done, dress her appropriately. I don’t know what you’re expecting when she shows up in a little, tight skirt that stops at mid-thigh, but posing her for pictures is going to be really *fun*. The basic pose is sitting cross-legged on the poser. Unless you want her underpants to be seen by all your friends and family, for posterity, find more appropriate outfits for your kids’ portraits.
27. The pick-up date is there for a reason. Sometimes we get our portraits in early. Yes this is true. But the reason they come in the Friday before pick-up dates is because that gives us a couple days to go through each package, make sure there aren't any flaws or missing portraits and then phone customer service to correct it. This also gives us time to sort and separate all orders and figure out who belongs to who, with the copy of OUR sheet with your name, address and laser printout of your order. We managed to keep ours safe and sound, and if you come in and say "Johnson." when I have two boxes of photos with no names on them, just Roll, Week, and Customer Number. I'm sorry but you're out of luck. Come back on your pick-up date. Thanks and have a great day.
1. Sit beside your child at all times. I don’t care if you want to get up and make Suzie or Timmy laugh for the picture. That’s my job. Your job is to make sure your brat doesn’t stand up on the poser and fall off onto his head. Sit, hold onto your brat and shut up. I don’t like getting sued, especially when it’s YOUR fault.
2. YOUR BRAT CANNOT STAND ON THE POSER TABLE! NO! NON! NEIN! NYET! There is no way in hell I am risking my job because Timmy won’t sit his ass down. There is a solution to this, I will end the session and reschedule your appointment. If your kid is screaming up a storm and won’t sit still, I’m not going to risk his safety and my job for your ‘perfect family shot’. End of discussion.
3. If getting Timmy to smile is a problem, perhaps you should bring more than one person with you. This is important if you have more than one kid, twins, etc. Don’t expect me to babysit, and I’m going to try my best to hit you with a clue-by-four without being rude. Here’s a hint, if *I* am the one sitting beside Jr. and you’re standing by the camera, something is DEFINITELY wrong with this picture. No pun intended.
4. I’m trying to get your kid to have a pleasing expression. If your kid won’t smile, be happy with the fact that he isn’t bawling. It’s not the end of the world if Jr. isn’t smiling. I’m sure grandma would be happy with a picture of her grandkids, whether they’re smiling or not.
5. Speaking of which, if I’m trying to get a picture of all your brats behaving themselves, and your kids are too young to know the mechanics of a smile, you berating them, calling them names, and telling them that grandma, daddy, and I are going to be disappointed because their smile is not up to your standards, is NOT going to help. Leave me out of your fucked up parenting techniques.
6. I *have* to take 7 pictures. It’s my job. I know you came in for the 1 pose portrait package, but if you haven’t figured it out, it’s a hook to get you into the studio. Don’t scream at me and my staff because you are too stupid to figure out a sales tactic.
7. I have 30 minute appointment slots for a reason. Those who make appointments take precedence over walk-in appointments. Learn that no means no. When I tell you I have an appointment coming in 10 minutes and that I can’t just ‘squeeze you in’, take a hint and book an appointment for later. Harassment is not going to make me bump the other person who was smart enough to book an appointment. Yes walk-ins are welcome, but this doesn’t give you carte-blanche to be a bitch about it.
8. I am only one person. If I am with a client, this is their time. They’re paying for this session, and I am going to make them my priority. If you want a passport/portrait, I’ll be happy to make you an appointment for later, but I’m not going to drop everything to accommodate you. You may be the almighty customer, but you’re the almighty customer with about 12 people ahead of you in the line.
9. If I am with a client and you have an appointment and my session is running a little long please be understanding. There’s an old saying in the movie business that certain directors refuse to work with animals or children. There’s a reason for this; children and animals are unpredictable, and it takes time to get them to do what you want them to. I try to give everyone the same type of quality service. When you’re with me, it’s our time and I’m going to give you the best I can.
10. I don’t care if you just came in for the advertised cheapy package. Everyone ONLY comes in for the ad package. That’s our gimmick, deal with it. Along with having to shoot 7 photos, I’m required to attempt to get you to buy the additional 6 poses. You don’t have any obligation to buy them, but you don’t have to be a complete asshole when I go through the various packages.
11. We don’t do nude shots, we don’t do topless shots and we don’t shoot anybody over the age of 12 mos in a bathing suit. We don’t. Period. Get a clue, you can't get your photos done in an adult diaper and if you want a studio shot with you in pimp gear with bathing suit bimbos on your arm? No. Just, NO!
12. Read your receipt. Your pick-up time for your photos is printed up top. They will not be available until this date. I don’t care if your friend picked up her portraits today, yours aren’t here. I’ve already torn up this place upside down. They’re NOT here. Why would I screw myself out of a sale by hiding your photos? Are you on crack?!
13. As well-meaning as you may be, you making goofy faces at the kid while you’re sitting beside him isn’t helping me. My job is not only to make him smile, but to make him look at the camera. You distracting him isn’t helping me, it’s drawing this out into a long saga, and chances are if your kid isn’t smiling, he’s tired, teething and sick of all this portrait bullshit. Let me do my job, and hold your kid.
14. You screaming and threatening me because I’m not giving you what you want isn’t going to change the situation. You’re still not going to get what you want, I can’t give you what I don’t have. The Sampler 3 ½ x5 portraits of your 7 poses with the mat board are a random gimmick done to random customers. I don’t have any control over it. So screaming at me because there isn’t any samplers in your portrait package and ‘there was last time!’ isn’t going to change it. I can’t order them, it’s at the developer’s discretion, not mine. Get out of my face or I’m calling security.
15. Equipment malfunction is always a possibility and despite the fact you think the world revolves around you, it doesn’t and the camera isn’t fucking up because we hate you. I don’t care about you enough to hate you. If the camera is malfunctioning, give me a chance to try to correct it. Sometimes shit happens. Deal with it. We’ll comp your studio session and reschedule it for a time when we have the camera in working order.
16. Our session is like any other time with a camera. Each session has 24 shots. If your squirmy kid won’t stop crying, if you don’t stop being so damned picky, you will lose out on shots, and you won’t get the proper 7 shots that you’re entitled to. So again, I am in a balancing act of getting you exactly what you want, vs. getting you the shots you’re entitled to. Please work with me and not against me.
17. Please don’t come to my counter and bark out a last name and expect me to instantly know what you’re talking about. You could be my next appointment, you could have photos in, you may have amnesia and trying to confirm that’s who you are. How in the hell am I supposed to know?!
18. I go to lunch from 2-3. I may be nothing but a retail automaton to you, but I do require food and water from time to time. I will NOT make an exception just because you want to see if your photos are in, just because it’s the ONLY time you can get Timmy to get his photos done, just because you ‘just want a passport.’ And even if I’m not eating, I’m probably using this time to get caught up on paperwork so I’m not here until midnight closing up. So FUCK OFF!
19. Closed means CLOSED. It does not mean wander into my studio and ask if you can get a passport done. It does not mean you can ‘just see’ if your photos/canvas portrait is in. It means everything is shut down. It means I can’t access the computers to see if your photos are in, it means I can’t ring you through. It means I AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!
20. I am a portrait studio employee. I don’t have anything to do with ***-M*rt. I don’t know where the ass cream is, I don’t know where you can find a manager. I don’t know where you can find an associate to help you. Look for somebody in a blue smock. Mine’s tan, are you colour blind?
21. I can’t change the advertised package. That’s what you get in it. That’s why it’s an ad package. If you want to pick and chose your sizes, poses, etc, get one of the portrait packages with your 6 poses that are offered. Then if you don’t like 8x10s, 10x13s… You can change it! Stop watching those crap consumer shows on 20-20 which teach you how to manipulate and screw the system. It’s not going to work with me.
22. Don’t just wander into my studio while I’m with a client. Do I wander into your house without being invited? Do I? No because it’s rude and an invasion of privacy. Get OUT!
23. I’ll return the calls on the answering machine when I get 5 minutes to myself. Until then don’t phone 500 times and clog up my machine asking if I’m there. I am, I can hear your message, but customers in my studio take priority over you. I’m sorry but they do. Besides, if you’re going to ask stupid questions like “how much would x + x + x + x be?” Come down and get your portraits shot and THEN I’ll go through the packages with you. Dumbass.
24. Don’t get mad if while I’m fighting with the computer and ringing up your order, I answer the phone. Chances are it’s one of those stupid people who can’t read a phonebook and are calling looking for the 1-hour photo.
25. This is a portrait studio. It’s not the set of Mr.Dressup. We have a couple pairs of wings, a feather boa and a few hats. Don’t get pissy with me because Timmy saw something in an ad (which probably wasn’t for our studio in the first place) and we don’t have it. We’re a TINY studio and there is barely enough room for my staff and the bare-bones equipment that we need to operate, where do you suppose we KEEP these dress up outfits that you so desperately need in your photo?
26. When you bring Suzie to get her pictures done, dress her appropriately. I don’t know what you’re expecting when she shows up in a little, tight skirt that stops at mid-thigh, but posing her for pictures is going to be really *fun*. The basic pose is sitting cross-legged on the poser. Unless you want her underpants to be seen by all your friends and family, for posterity, find more appropriate outfits for your kids’ portraits.
27. The pick-up date is there for a reason. Sometimes we get our portraits in early. Yes this is true. But the reason they come in the Friday before pick-up dates is because that gives us a couple days to go through each package, make sure there aren't any flaws or missing portraits and then phone customer service to correct it. This also gives us time to sort and separate all orders and figure out who belongs to who, with the copy of OUR sheet with your name, address and laser printout of your order. We managed to keep ours safe and sound, and if you come in and say "Johnson." when I have two boxes of photos with no names on them, just Roll, Week, and Customer Number. I'm sorry but you're out of luck. Come back on your pick-up date. Thanks and have a great day.
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