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I'm a delivery driver. Yes, I know that we have great pizza. Yes, I know that we deliver. Yes, I know that I'm one of the better drivers on the South Hill. But there's some things that you guys need to know.
<rant>
I don't care how stinking rich you are, how poor you are, what nationality you are, or what religion you practice; the fact remains that if you don't have your address on your house, or you have it hidden, or have it cloaked, or not in an easily visible area, your pizza could quite possibly be delayed.
Oh, something else - so you have your address in a very visible place, perhaps outlined in neon lights. Excellent. But if I need to trek through a zombie infested township, through caves, a valley, wait at a waterfall for two minutes, and venture into a base full of foppies. . .please, please tell us. It helps a lot if I know the directions to your house instead of, y'know, leaving us to fend for ourselves, because, again, if you do, your pizza may, quite possibly be delayed.
You must also understand that, while your pizza may be somewhat expensive because you just had to have that Collossus with every topping on it - ever - us drivers, being that we put your food in our cars, your drinks in our cars, and your everything else in our cars, use our gas to get to your house, and hand you your food with a smile on our faces, do like it when you tip. We don't like it when you demand your pizza, and then demand your change like we're your personal servants. We aren't, and every time you act like we are, you're getting closer and closer to me excersizing the right to refuse service. However, if you tip decently and keep a nice, perhaps even jovial air about the delivery, we'll tend to like you. You may even get your pizza faster!
On that note, sometimes. . .we are missing people. So when we have one driver, you ordered while I was halfway through one delivery, then get angry that your delivery took an hour and a half, yes, I'm sorry about the wait. I wish I could do something about it. But, for christ's sakes, don't get sassy with me. I'm driving as fast as I can - breaking speed limits and a couple other assorted laws, as well - to get you your pizza as quickly as I can. Oh, and here's a novel idea: Our insider said that we have one driver and it's going to be a while, so instead of waiting for your pizza while I'm racking up more miles on my car than I'd care to mention. . .you could pick it up! Oh, and also, yes, your pizza is a half our late, we will give you half off. You don't tell I'm giving you your pizza for free, because I know how it works. You're not getting off that easy. Oh, and we also have the time that we took your delivery on our driver tags. You can't trick us that easily.
Oh, and for employees, we get half off. I can't "hook you up" with a free pizza. If I don't get free pizza, and if the managers don't get free pizza, then odds are better than not that you aren't going to be getting free pizza. Go ahead and talk to the manager. The site manager. The district manager. The reigonal manager. They'll all tell you the same thing. And, if you actually ask for all three for something like a free pizza, odds are you're not even going to be getting the half off deal anymore. And you'll probably be finding yourself a new job while you're at it. Oh, and going in for radiator repairs. . .that take three days. . .also don't look too great.
As drivers, we only have twenty bucks on us at any given time. So handing me a fifty for your ten dollar pizza is not going to endear me to you. Not a bit. Because this means that I take your money, give you your food, go back to the store, get change, go back to your house, and give you change. What we should be doing is taking the food with us. And no, you can't complain that your pizza's now cold, because you're the one who couldn't take time out of his busy day to dig out his checkbook or his credit card and call it in. Think ahead, buddy. It doesn't hurt to do that. . .although. . .is that smoke I smell?
You shmucks in the lobby? The ones that want slices? Yeah, it may be a while. Because there's fifteen of you. And all of you want, on average, three slices. One slice pizza yields eight slices. That means that we need to put roughly six pizzas through the oven to get you guys taken care of. I promise you, we're going as fast as we can, so telling us, "We're in every day, so make more shit", makes me wanna say, instead of, "we're working as quickly as we can", I wanna say, "Whoop-de-friggin'-do. Get the hell outta my store." Again, that whole, "reserve the right to refuse service" idea kicking in.
But, then, there are the good deliveries. The birthday parties where the mother tips you five bucks for the collossus, or the little old lady who just orders a sub and tips decently well for the price of the sub, and the guy my age who totally understands and hands me the twenty and tells me to "keep the change", and any and all others who understand the long delivery time when it's five o'clock in the afternoon and the dinner rush is in full swing. . .you guys totally rock my world. Like, seriously. Order more, please. . .it makes dealing with the cranial-rectally inverted folks above so much easier. . .
</rant>
<rant>
I don't care how stinking rich you are, how poor you are, what nationality you are, or what religion you practice; the fact remains that if you don't have your address on your house, or you have it hidden, or have it cloaked, or not in an easily visible area, your pizza could quite possibly be delayed.
Oh, something else - so you have your address in a very visible place, perhaps outlined in neon lights. Excellent. But if I need to trek through a zombie infested township, through caves, a valley, wait at a waterfall for two minutes, and venture into a base full of foppies. . .please, please tell us. It helps a lot if I know the directions to your house instead of, y'know, leaving us to fend for ourselves, because, again, if you do, your pizza may, quite possibly be delayed.
You must also understand that, while your pizza may be somewhat expensive because you just had to have that Collossus with every topping on it - ever - us drivers, being that we put your food in our cars, your drinks in our cars, and your everything else in our cars, use our gas to get to your house, and hand you your food with a smile on our faces, do like it when you tip. We don't like it when you demand your pizza, and then demand your change like we're your personal servants. We aren't, and every time you act like we are, you're getting closer and closer to me excersizing the right to refuse service. However, if you tip decently and keep a nice, perhaps even jovial air about the delivery, we'll tend to like you. You may even get your pizza faster!
On that note, sometimes. . .we are missing people. So when we have one driver, you ordered while I was halfway through one delivery, then get angry that your delivery took an hour and a half, yes, I'm sorry about the wait. I wish I could do something about it. But, for christ's sakes, don't get sassy with me. I'm driving as fast as I can - breaking speed limits and a couple other assorted laws, as well - to get you your pizza as quickly as I can. Oh, and here's a novel idea: Our insider said that we have one driver and it's going to be a while, so instead of waiting for your pizza while I'm racking up more miles on my car than I'd care to mention. . .you could pick it up! Oh, and also, yes, your pizza is a half our late, we will give you half off. You don't tell I'm giving you your pizza for free, because I know how it works. You're not getting off that easy. Oh, and we also have the time that we took your delivery on our driver tags. You can't trick us that easily.
Oh, and for employees, we get half off. I can't "hook you up" with a free pizza. If I don't get free pizza, and if the managers don't get free pizza, then odds are better than not that you aren't going to be getting free pizza. Go ahead and talk to the manager. The site manager. The district manager. The reigonal manager. They'll all tell you the same thing. And, if you actually ask for all three for something like a free pizza, odds are you're not even going to be getting the half off deal anymore. And you'll probably be finding yourself a new job while you're at it. Oh, and going in for radiator repairs. . .that take three days. . .also don't look too great.
As drivers, we only have twenty bucks on us at any given time. So handing me a fifty for your ten dollar pizza is not going to endear me to you. Not a bit. Because this means that I take your money, give you your food, go back to the store, get change, go back to your house, and give you change. What we should be doing is taking the food with us. And no, you can't complain that your pizza's now cold, because you're the one who couldn't take time out of his busy day to dig out his checkbook or his credit card and call it in. Think ahead, buddy. It doesn't hurt to do that. . .although. . .is that smoke I smell?
You shmucks in the lobby? The ones that want slices? Yeah, it may be a while. Because there's fifteen of you. And all of you want, on average, three slices. One slice pizza yields eight slices. That means that we need to put roughly six pizzas through the oven to get you guys taken care of. I promise you, we're going as fast as we can, so telling us, "We're in every day, so make more shit", makes me wanna say, instead of, "we're working as quickly as we can", I wanna say, "Whoop-de-friggin'-do. Get the hell outta my store." Again, that whole, "reserve the right to refuse service" idea kicking in.
But, then, there are the good deliveries. The birthday parties where the mother tips you five bucks for the collossus, or the little old lady who just orders a sub and tips decently well for the price of the sub, and the guy my age who totally understands and hands me the twenty and tells me to "keep the change", and any and all others who understand the long delivery time when it's five o'clock in the afternoon and the dinner rush is in full swing. . .you guys totally rock my world. Like, seriously. Order more, please. . .it makes dealing with the cranial-rectally inverted folks above so much easier. . .
</rant>
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