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Buckle your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride today. Friday was fairly average, but yesterday was a landmark occasion, as I dealt with not only the regular parade of foolishness, but I also encountered SC-worthy behavior from fellow employees. I don't know why I do this. Oh wait, yes I do. The money. Onward!
Cast:
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: Tragic Heroine
CW: Coworker
CSR: General Care Rep
TSR: Tech Support Rep
LMAO
ME: How can I help you today?
SW: I *giggle* just want to *giggle* cancel my *giggle* service *giggle*.
ME: That's very unfortunate. Is there any particular reason you wish to cancel?
SW: My bills *giggle* are too high *giggle.* I just *giggle* don't want *giggle* to pay a lot of *giggle* money.
ME: Well I can see you're averaging about $200 in international long distance charges. You know, you can use a calling card and make international calls at a fraction of the cost.
SW: That's okay. *giggle* I just want it *giggle* canceled.
I don't mind you calling to cancel, that's what they pay me for. But next time do it when your boyfriend isn't playing the Tickle Monster. But I will award you bonus points. You made my flesh crawl with all the random bits of inappropriate giggling. It creeped me out big time.
Time to move to China again
SM: I want to cancel my service today, because I move to China tomorrow.
ME: I'm sorry to hear we'll be losing you (hey, look at that. You had a credit check at an authorized dealer not 5 minutes ago). We do offer roaming in over 186 countries, and-
SM: No, I move permanently. Just cancel please.
ME: Okay. Now, you could transfer your service to someone else if you have any friends or family members that would like to have a line for themselves. You'd save them the activation fee that way.
SM: No. I don't have any friends or family here. They already move back to China.
ME: Okay, we can cancel today. Your contract goes through August 30th, so there will be a termination fee, and-
SM: Oh? Yeah, because today is the....17th. Yes, cancel at the end of my contract. I am moving on August 31st.
ME: Ah, okay. I can set that up for you. Is there a different address I can send the final bill to?
SM: Uh... same address. My...friend... will be there to take care of it.
Dude, you are so busted. Why do we have to do this all the time? I'd say about 60% of my calls are people moving to China. I'm not going to get mad. Just tell me the truth. You activated a new line for a free phone from an authorized dealer. I know it, you know it, all the evidence is in the system to prove it. We know the dealers do this all the time, and they know they aren't supposed to. They also know that there's not much I can do about it.
Should have checked the washing instructions
SM: I shouldn't have to pay for a new phone! My daughter made an honest mistake. She forgot her phone was in her pants pocket and it went through the wash and fell apart.
Yeah, that's too bad. After all, phones are dry-clean only. Sucks to be you.
Tax THIS
SW: You charge me $15 a month in taxes?
No, a combination of our Federal government, your state, your county, and your city do. We don't collect any part of it whatsoever. Well, we do have a surcharge of like $.60, but that's for fees we pay to the government that allow us to maintain service. So we give that to them too. Yes, taxes suck. No, no one likes it. Why don't you do something about it if it bothers you so much? Go overthrow the government and declare yourself Grand High Bitch Queen and do things your way. It should take you about a day and a half to realize that no taxes would cause your economy to collapse on itself, then someone will overthrow you, and the whole nonsensical cycle will go on forever.
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Sucky Man!
SM: My friend went to the store and got a hell of a deal on a phone. I have been a customer for 4 years and I want to know why I can't get the same deal. I have 3 lines. I pay my bill. I'm a super customer.
Sorry to burst your (super) bubble there, Man of Steel, but you upgraded 3 months ago and also got a hell of a deal. Now why don't you go jump off a building and see if you can fly?
Sigh
CSR: Yeah, uh, I have this lady who wants to cancel.... I think.
ME: O...kay?
CSR: There's uh, kind of a language barrier, so I'm not really sure. I think she wants to cancel because... her bills are too high or something. I couldn't really understand her because her English isn't good.
Okay, stop right there, Bucky. I won't even critique that last statement, but you are aware that we pay another company quite well to let us take advantage of their service for just such an occasion. You know, the one that has interpreters for every language known to man? It would take you all of 1 minute to call them and get one on the line. Go ahead and bring her through. Oh, sure enough, she has a hard time understanding me. Hold on a second, what's this? Why, it's a Serbian translator! What will they think of next?
Not Sucky
This very nice Japanese man called in to cancel because he was going back to Japan. He had a company plan for the US branch of a Japanese software company, he was legitimately moving out of the country. When he said he needed to cancel his mobile phone, he pronounced it "moburu phonu." I'm not making fun of him, I love the Japanese language and accent. I came so close to calling him "(CUSTOMER)-san" a few times, but I didn't know if it would be appropriate.
Status Update
SM: I got an iPhone, so I want to cancel.
Yeah, we still get these. Even with the plethora of problems (like the recent discovery that the battery only lasts for 300 charges, oh and the battery is built in, so you have to send it in for service where they will delete all your content and replace it), people are still shelling out $500 for bragging rights. Nothing against Apple, they have some fine products, but I still maintain this thing is grossly overpriced and overhyped.
Even if I don't get you, Karma will
TSR: I have a customer who is very, very upset and wants to cancel.
ME: Okay, what happened?
TSR: It's kind of a long story. She called in 3 weeks ago because she was having problems with not being able to hear the other person when she's on a call at home. She talked to several reps, and after troubleshooting, someone in Tier II filed a Trouble Ticket. She's been waiting, and finally called in today and I couldn't find any record of the ticket she gave me. So I called Tier III, and they said that ticket number doesn't exist. He also said it was weird, because about an hour ago someone else called him for a different customer's account and gave him that same ticket number.
ME: So...?
TSR: Yeah. And whoever did it didn't leave any notes about filing a ticket, and she talked to several reps that day.
ME
: Bring her on through.
The customer was irate. I don't blame her, I would have been too. I let her out of her contract on all her lines, because that was total bullcrap. A Trouble Ticket is basically a high-priority request to our Engineering department to go out to the customer's area and find out what's causing the problem and fix it. Someone is giving customers a fake ticket number to shut them up and nothing is actually done about their problem. Someday, they will get caught, and when they do our VP of Customer Service herself (who has more integrity that anyone I've ever known), will personally show up at their call center, box up their junk, and throw them out on his/her sorry ass.
The Curse
I was on Floor Support for the last hour of my shift last night, so I was plugging in to some of my coworkers' call boxes and listening to their calls. It seems those special customers that somehow always gravitate to my line knew this, as one poor girl got a call that I know I would have come to me if I had been taking calls.
SM: I'm thinking of going to (COMPETITOR 1), because I like their phones.
CW: What kind of phone would you like? We have a whole new line of phones that's just come out.
SM: Okay. I started with (COMPETITOR 2), and their phones weren't very good. Then I went to (COMPETITOR 3). So then I-
*Mute*
CW: What the hell is this? Was my question not straightforward enough?
ME: These are the kind of calls I get all day. Good luck.
SM: -and their customer service was horrible. After that-
CW: What does this have to do with anything?
ME: Nothing. That's the point.
SM: -You know what I mean?
CW: No. I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
*Un-Mute*
CW: Definitely! So what kind of phone is it you'd like to have?
SM: I look around at all these phones out there and I don't really feel-
*Mute*
CW: I don't give a shit about your feelings! I'm just trying to build a relationship, like they expect me to do, and get you a phone and get off this call!
To make a long story short, he finally shut up and ordered a phone. Then he left us with this little revelation:
SM: Thank you so much. I've really enjoyed the service with you guys. A lot of my friends have (COMPETITOR 1) and it seems like they don't ever have service. But I always do.
*Mute*
CW: Didn't he say at the beginning that he was going to cancel and go to (COMPETITOR 1)?
ME: Yeah.
CW: I am so glad our shift is about over. Because I need to get out of here, now!
Cast:
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: Tragic Heroine
CW: Coworker
CSR: General Care Rep
TSR: Tech Support Rep
LMAO
ME: How can I help you today?
SW: I *giggle* just want to *giggle* cancel my *giggle* service *giggle*.
ME: That's very unfortunate. Is there any particular reason you wish to cancel?
SW: My bills *giggle* are too high *giggle.* I just *giggle* don't want *giggle* to pay a lot of *giggle* money.
ME: Well I can see you're averaging about $200 in international long distance charges. You know, you can use a calling card and make international calls at a fraction of the cost.
SW: That's okay. *giggle* I just want it *giggle* canceled.
I don't mind you calling to cancel, that's what they pay me for. But next time do it when your boyfriend isn't playing the Tickle Monster. But I will award you bonus points. You made my flesh crawl with all the random bits of inappropriate giggling. It creeped me out big time.
Time to move to China again
SM: I want to cancel my service today, because I move to China tomorrow.
ME: I'm sorry to hear we'll be losing you (hey, look at that. You had a credit check at an authorized dealer not 5 minutes ago). We do offer roaming in over 186 countries, and-
SM: No, I move permanently. Just cancel please.
ME: Okay. Now, you could transfer your service to someone else if you have any friends or family members that would like to have a line for themselves. You'd save them the activation fee that way.
SM: No. I don't have any friends or family here. They already move back to China.
ME: Okay, we can cancel today. Your contract goes through August 30th, so there will be a termination fee, and-
SM: Oh? Yeah, because today is the....17th. Yes, cancel at the end of my contract. I am moving on August 31st.
ME: Ah, okay. I can set that up for you. Is there a different address I can send the final bill to?
SM: Uh... same address. My...friend... will be there to take care of it.
Dude, you are so busted. Why do we have to do this all the time? I'd say about 60% of my calls are people moving to China. I'm not going to get mad. Just tell me the truth. You activated a new line for a free phone from an authorized dealer. I know it, you know it, all the evidence is in the system to prove it. We know the dealers do this all the time, and they know they aren't supposed to. They also know that there's not much I can do about it.
Should have checked the washing instructions
SM: I shouldn't have to pay for a new phone! My daughter made an honest mistake. She forgot her phone was in her pants pocket and it went through the wash and fell apart.
Yeah, that's too bad. After all, phones are dry-clean only. Sucks to be you.
Tax THIS
SW: You charge me $15 a month in taxes?
No, a combination of our Federal government, your state, your county, and your city do. We don't collect any part of it whatsoever. Well, we do have a surcharge of like $.60, but that's for fees we pay to the government that allow us to maintain service. So we give that to them too. Yes, taxes suck. No, no one likes it. Why don't you do something about it if it bothers you so much? Go overthrow the government and declare yourself Grand High Bitch Queen and do things your way. It should take you about a day and a half to realize that no taxes would cause your economy to collapse on itself, then someone will overthrow you, and the whole nonsensical cycle will go on forever.
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Sucky Man!
SM: My friend went to the store and got a hell of a deal on a phone. I have been a customer for 4 years and I want to know why I can't get the same deal. I have 3 lines. I pay my bill. I'm a super customer.
Sorry to burst your (super) bubble there, Man of Steel, but you upgraded 3 months ago and also got a hell of a deal. Now why don't you go jump off a building and see if you can fly?
Sigh
CSR: Yeah, uh, I have this lady who wants to cancel.... I think.
ME: O...kay?
CSR: There's uh, kind of a language barrier, so I'm not really sure. I think she wants to cancel because... her bills are too high or something. I couldn't really understand her because her English isn't good.
Okay, stop right there, Bucky. I won't even critique that last statement, but you are aware that we pay another company quite well to let us take advantage of their service for just such an occasion. You know, the one that has interpreters for every language known to man? It would take you all of 1 minute to call them and get one on the line. Go ahead and bring her through. Oh, sure enough, she has a hard time understanding me. Hold on a second, what's this? Why, it's a Serbian translator! What will they think of next?
Not Sucky
This very nice Japanese man called in to cancel because he was going back to Japan. He had a company plan for the US branch of a Japanese software company, he was legitimately moving out of the country. When he said he needed to cancel his mobile phone, he pronounced it "moburu phonu." I'm not making fun of him, I love the Japanese language and accent. I came so close to calling him "(CUSTOMER)-san" a few times, but I didn't know if it would be appropriate.
Status Update
SM: I got an iPhone, so I want to cancel.
Yeah, we still get these. Even with the plethora of problems (like the recent discovery that the battery only lasts for 300 charges, oh and the battery is built in, so you have to send it in for service where they will delete all your content and replace it), people are still shelling out $500 for bragging rights. Nothing against Apple, they have some fine products, but I still maintain this thing is grossly overpriced and overhyped.
Even if I don't get you, Karma will
TSR: I have a customer who is very, very upset and wants to cancel.
ME: Okay, what happened?
TSR: It's kind of a long story. She called in 3 weeks ago because she was having problems with not being able to hear the other person when she's on a call at home. She talked to several reps, and after troubleshooting, someone in Tier II filed a Trouble Ticket. She's been waiting, and finally called in today and I couldn't find any record of the ticket she gave me. So I called Tier III, and they said that ticket number doesn't exist. He also said it was weird, because about an hour ago someone else called him for a different customer's account and gave him that same ticket number.
ME: So...?
TSR: Yeah. And whoever did it didn't leave any notes about filing a ticket, and she talked to several reps that day.
ME
: Bring her on through.The customer was irate. I don't blame her, I would have been too. I let her out of her contract on all her lines, because that was total bullcrap. A Trouble Ticket is basically a high-priority request to our Engineering department to go out to the customer's area and find out what's causing the problem and fix it. Someone is giving customers a fake ticket number to shut them up and nothing is actually done about their problem. Someday, they will get caught, and when they do our VP of Customer Service herself (who has more integrity that anyone I've ever known), will personally show up at their call center, box up their junk, and throw them out on his/her sorry ass.
The Curse
I was on Floor Support for the last hour of my shift last night, so I was plugging in to some of my coworkers' call boxes and listening to their calls. It seems those special customers that somehow always gravitate to my line knew this, as one poor girl got a call that I know I would have come to me if I had been taking calls.
SM: I'm thinking of going to (COMPETITOR 1), because I like their phones.
CW: What kind of phone would you like? We have a whole new line of phones that's just come out.
SM: Okay. I started with (COMPETITOR 2), and their phones weren't very good. Then I went to (COMPETITOR 3). So then I-
*Mute*
CW: What the hell is this? Was my question not straightforward enough?
ME: These are the kind of calls I get all day. Good luck.
SM: -and their customer service was horrible. After that-
CW: What does this have to do with anything?
ME: Nothing. That's the point.
SM: -You know what I mean?
CW: No. I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
*Un-Mute*
CW: Definitely! So what kind of phone is it you'd like to have?
SM: I look around at all these phones out there and I don't really feel-
*Mute*
CW: I don't give a shit about your feelings! I'm just trying to build a relationship, like they expect me to do, and get you a phone and get off this call!
To make a long story short, he finally shut up and ordered a phone. Then he left us with this little revelation:
SM: Thank you so much. I've really enjoyed the service with you guys. A lot of my friends have (COMPETITOR 1) and it seems like they don't ever have service. But I always do.
*Mute*
CW: Didn't he say at the beginning that he was going to cancel and go to (COMPETITOR 1)?
ME: Yeah.
CW: I am so glad our shift is about over. Because I need to get out of here, now!
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