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Yay, another fanschmabulous day at the fanschmabulous Looneyland. Here are the highlights:
Whyisit?
that the guy buying a small bookcase will show up in a large cargo van to pick it up, the people buying a crib and a changing table will have a trailer, the lady buying a small TV will pull up in a minivan with the backseat thoughtfully folded down (not that it was necessary)...but the couple purchasing a 27-inch TV will roll up in a tiny Hyundai Elantra?
And will insist I try to fit the thing into all the various car orifices in which cargo can be placed?
And then will mention they have a van, but first they want me to take the TV out of the box and try squeezing it into the back seat, with dad helping me shove the TV into the back seat and their son trying to yank the TV into the backseat in such a way that the son will still have a place to sit?
And what do I get for a thank-you? A cigarette burn on the back of my neck, from dad puffing on a Camel while standing behind me helping me shove the TV into the car.
We are not a meat market
Customer: Do you sell hot dogs here?
Me: Sorry, not anymore?
Customer: Really? If you sold hot dogs here I'd buy them here!
No you would not, because we did carry them for a little under a year, and then they were discontinued due to poor sales.
No more bastard pills for you, Mr. Cranky Pants!
*service desk pages for help in furniture; aka My Domain
Me: Can I help you?
Crotchety old skinbag: Yeah! I want that table! (referring to an end table we had on display that went on clearance, and then sold out)
Me: Okay, we're down to the display on that so I'll load it up for you
COS: Yeah. I want that one because I bought that other table next to it and I had such a hard time putting the fucker together I want the assembled one
(DIGRESSION ALERT: To assemble these tables all you really need to do is attach the legs to the table top. You can't really mess it up or have difficulty putting it together unless you try to cock it up. END DIGRESSION ALERT)
I pick up the table and the drawer slides out.
COS: DON'T BREAK THAT DAMN THING NOW!
So I haul it up there for the old coot. While he's paying he tells me to just take it to his car in a senior citizens spot.
Me: I'm sorry but I'll have to wait until you finish up here before I take it out for you.
COS: HOW COME!
Me: Management doesn't just want us opening up people's vehicles without the owners there (Lie--the real reason is to make sure payment is completed first before merchandise is loaded)
COS: HARRRUMPH!
Finally, we get to his car and load the table inside.
Me: Okay, you're all set! Have a nice day!
COS: HARRRUMPH!
Me: (thinking) Yeah, nice to see you too. Get bent.
Longhaired stinky people
You know how sometimes you can smell a person before you see them? That really sucks.
Was straightening up in candy and grocery when I caught a whiff of a mixture of rotting meat, poop, stale sweat and cigarette smoke, topped off by some cheap aftershave. The origin of this aroma appeared soon after in the form of a disheveled guy with a greasy mullet, wearing a stained half-unbuttoned shirt and filthy sweatpants.
Stinky guy: Hey, you got any 12-packs of soda in the coolers here?
Me: No, we do not
SG: Didn't you used to have them in there?
Me: If we did I don't remember. Sorry.
SG: (to his wife, who looked no more proficient in the hygiene department) THEY DON'T HAVE 12-PACKS IN THE COOLERS! LET'S GO TO WAL-MART INSTEAD!
Yes, please do. You would fit in perfectly. In fact you might be offered a job based solely on your appearance and your unique scent.
After he left, the stench just hung in the air, so I ran over to the fabric softeners, uncapped a bottle, and inhaled deeply. Ahh, much better!
Thank you, you've been great. Enjoy The Tubes!
Whyisit?
that the guy buying a small bookcase will show up in a large cargo van to pick it up, the people buying a crib and a changing table will have a trailer, the lady buying a small TV will pull up in a minivan with the backseat thoughtfully folded down (not that it was necessary)...but the couple purchasing a 27-inch TV will roll up in a tiny Hyundai Elantra?
And will insist I try to fit the thing into all the various car orifices in which cargo can be placed?
And then will mention they have a van, but first they want me to take the TV out of the box and try squeezing it into the back seat, with dad helping me shove the TV into the back seat and their son trying to yank the TV into the backseat in such a way that the son will still have a place to sit?
And what do I get for a thank-you? A cigarette burn on the back of my neck, from dad puffing on a Camel while standing behind me helping me shove the TV into the car.
We are not a meat market
Customer: Do you sell hot dogs here?
Me: Sorry, not anymore?
Customer: Really? If you sold hot dogs here I'd buy them here!
No you would not, because we did carry them for a little under a year, and then they were discontinued due to poor sales.
No more bastard pills for you, Mr. Cranky Pants!
*service desk pages for help in furniture; aka My Domain
Me: Can I help you?
Crotchety old skinbag: Yeah! I want that table! (referring to an end table we had on display that went on clearance, and then sold out)
Me: Okay, we're down to the display on that so I'll load it up for you
COS: Yeah. I want that one because I bought that other table next to it and I had such a hard time putting the fucker together I want the assembled one
(DIGRESSION ALERT: To assemble these tables all you really need to do is attach the legs to the table top. You can't really mess it up or have difficulty putting it together unless you try to cock it up. END DIGRESSION ALERT)
I pick up the table and the drawer slides out.
COS: DON'T BREAK THAT DAMN THING NOW!
So I haul it up there for the old coot. While he's paying he tells me to just take it to his car in a senior citizens spot.
Me: I'm sorry but I'll have to wait until you finish up here before I take it out for you.
COS: HOW COME!
Me: Management doesn't just want us opening up people's vehicles without the owners there (Lie--the real reason is to make sure payment is completed first before merchandise is loaded)
COS: HARRRUMPH!
Finally, we get to his car and load the table inside.
Me: Okay, you're all set! Have a nice day!
COS: HARRRUMPH!
Me: (thinking) Yeah, nice to see you too. Get bent.
Longhaired stinky people
You know how sometimes you can smell a person before you see them? That really sucks.
Was straightening up in candy and grocery when I caught a whiff of a mixture of rotting meat, poop, stale sweat and cigarette smoke, topped off by some cheap aftershave. The origin of this aroma appeared soon after in the form of a disheveled guy with a greasy mullet, wearing a stained half-unbuttoned shirt and filthy sweatpants.
Stinky guy: Hey, you got any 12-packs of soda in the coolers here?
Me: No, we do not
SG: Didn't you used to have them in there?
Me: If we did I don't remember. Sorry.
SG: (to his wife, who looked no more proficient in the hygiene department) THEY DON'T HAVE 12-PACKS IN THE COOLERS! LET'S GO TO WAL-MART INSTEAD!
Yes, please do. You would fit in perfectly. In fact you might be offered a job based solely on your appearance and your unique scent.
After he left, the stench just hung in the air, so I ran over to the fabric softeners, uncapped a bottle, and inhaled deeply. Ahh, much better!
Thank you, you've been great. Enjoy The Tubes!
I AM the evil bastard!
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