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Well, there’s really no backstory to this one that will make it as amusing as just reading the letter I had to write to send out to this customer, except for this:
Instead of trying to placate her, the point of this letter was to get her so pissed she just blows a blood vessel in her brain. Either way, the effect will be the same.
This is edited slightly from what I sent to protect the "innocent" and avoid me getting fired for an NDA clause, but most of it remains intact.
Note: She’ll have to read this line a few times before it sinks in, and hopefully, if that doesn’t send her over the edge, this will do it. 
And now, the final hammer blow to the stake in the heart of the vampiress:
Just how bad did she get damaged?
It seems she had just had the front of her home remodeled and the contractor did a sub-par job. The sofa got wedged in the door and when she tried to have us force it in, the entire doorframe assembly ripped out of the wall and the resulting damage from the fasteners tore the shit out of her walls and her hardwood floor.
Remember folks, this is why we give you the measurements.
And yeah. Those emails were very very colorful.
Instead of trying to placate her, the point of this letter was to get her so pissed she just blows a blood vessel in her brain. Either way, the effect will be the same.
This is edited slightly from what I sent to protect the "innocent" and avoid me getting fired for an NDA clause, but most of it remains intact.
Dear Psychowoman from the Depths of Hades-
We are sending this in response to your letter that you mailed to our showroom.
The sales contract, which you signed, has the following statement on the back of the receipt.
Responsibility for the size(s) of the items selected, with respect to home delivery, remains with the buyer.
I personally wrote down the measurements of the pieces in question on your order form so that measurements could be made to not only plan out the layout in your home, but also determine if there would be any complications in the delivery, as covered by the second statement on the contract:
If we have to disassemble and reassemble your furniture in order to complete delivery, there will be an additional charge of $199.99 per piece. Our delivery service will do whatever is reasonably possible to prevent you from incurring this expense.
The binding waiver of liability which, you filled in and signed at the time of delivery, offered you two options:
1. To have the furniture movers try and bring in the furniture, which was determined to be too large or wide. The waiver clearly states that if you select this option, our company, the furniture mover or any agents thereof will not, under any circumstances, be responsible or liable for any damages to the furniture or to the residence as a result of attempting to bring in furniture which was too large.
2. Referring back to the clause in your purchase agreement stated above. The furniture movers could take the furniture back to our warehouse for disassembly and redelivery at the soonest convenient date.
You decided to forego the disassembly and experienced the first option to have the furniture movers attempt to bring in the furniture.
We are sending this in response to your letter that you mailed to our showroom.
The sales contract, which you signed, has the following statement on the back of the receipt.
Responsibility for the size(s) of the items selected, with respect to home delivery, remains with the buyer.
I personally wrote down the measurements of the pieces in question on your order form so that measurements could be made to not only plan out the layout in your home, but also determine if there would be any complications in the delivery, as covered by the second statement on the contract:
If we have to disassemble and reassemble your furniture in order to complete delivery, there will be an additional charge of $199.99 per piece. Our delivery service will do whatever is reasonably possible to prevent you from incurring this expense.
The binding waiver of liability which, you filled in and signed at the time of delivery, offered you two options:
1. To have the furniture movers try and bring in the furniture, which was determined to be too large or wide. The waiver clearly states that if you select this option, our company, the furniture mover or any agents thereof will not, under any circumstances, be responsible or liable for any damages to the furniture or to the residence as a result of attempting to bring in furniture which was too large.
2. Referring back to the clause in your purchase agreement stated above. The furniture movers could take the furniture back to our warehouse for disassembly and redelivery at the soonest convenient date.
You decided to forego the disassembly and experienced the first option to have the furniture movers attempt to bring in the furniture.
The waiver of liability which, is a legally binding rider to the original sales contract is absolutely clear in stating that the furniture and/or the residence may be damaged if the movers attempt to bring the furniture in. It also clearly states that the company or the furniture movers will not be responsible for said damage. This waiver requires not just one, but three signatures in order for the drivers to exercise this option.
Please find attached a copy of the original purchase order with the dimensions highlighted, along with the two clauses in question, and also a copy of the signed waiver.
We are not able to reimburse you for the damage to your home.
Please find attached a copy of the original purchase order with the dimensions highlighted, along with the two clauses in question, and also a copy of the signed waiver.
We are not able to reimburse you for the damage to your home.
Since you have filed a complaint with the local Better Business Bureau, they have contacted us in an attempt to resolve this dispute. To this end, we have forwarded on a copy of this letter and all related correspondence including copies of the attached paperwork, in addition to all email messages between our company and yourself in regards to this issue.
We hope this has helped clarify our position regarding this matter.
Sincerely,
The Bastard Manager
We hope this has helped clarify our position regarding this matter.
Sincerely,
The Bastard Manager
It seems she had just had the front of her home remodeled and the contractor did a sub-par job. The sofa got wedged in the door and when she tried to have us force it in, the entire doorframe assembly ripped out of the wall and the resulting damage from the fasteners tore the shit out of her walls and her hardwood floor.
Remember folks, this is why we give you the measurements.
And yeah. Those emails were very very colorful.
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