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Sigh. My post got eaten the other day, and I just didn't feel like typing it all up again since it was pretty hefty in length. So I'm going to try this again now (I now have full internet access at my desk, so I'm typing as I'm in between calls w00t).
Oh, and I may be scarce around here for a bit starting next week. I got a letter a few weeks ago that I was an on-call juror between 10/01 - 11/30 for a Federal court case. Then I got a letter the other day that I have to report for trial on 10/09. So this could be fun.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Well, you know
Creepy
I went back into a customer's account to credit her for a wallpaper download. My system shows me the date/time of the download as well as the title. Keep in mind this is a 60 year old woman. So I bring up her download history and see a download titled "Jessica Alba: Blue Bikini." I mean, I know she's hot, but shouldn't granny be looking at women closer to her age? Like Glen Close, Candice Bergin, or Judge Judy?
The Plan
SW: What plan do I have?
ME: You have PLAN X for $XX.XX a month.
SW: There's a plan for $XX.XX?
ME: No, that's the plan you already have.
SW: So I can't get PLAN X for $XX.XX?
ME: You already have it.
SW: Oh. But can I get it?
ME: You've had this plan for 2 years.
SW: Oh. Well, I'm at work right now. If I call back later, can I still get PLAN X for $XX.XX?
Mission Accomplished
SM: You are not helping me!
A winner is me!
I Should Change My Job Title to "Investigative" Loyalty Specialist
SM: They charged me for this phone I never received. And I paid for it, just to shut them up about it. But now they tell me I can't get a discount on another phone.
ME: Yes, I understand you had an upgrade to the Motorola X in June.
SM: But I didn't get the phone.
ME: But you paid the charges.
SM: Right, because you wouldn't take them off. They said I was using the phone.
ME: Well, I do see the exact serial number of the phone we sent you as having been in use at various times on your number.
SM: That's impossible. I never got it. I called UPS and they said a girl got the package on the corner in front of my house. But I'm not married, and I don't have a girlfriend, so can you tell me where this girl came from?
ME: But the serial # of the phone cannot be duplicated, and could only register to your number if your SIM was in it.
SM: I never got the phone! I don't care what your records show! Now give me a different phone, for free, or I'm taking my service to (COMPETITOR).
ME: You have that option, but you will be charged a termination fee.
SM: For what?
ME: Because the line is under contract.
SM: That contract is voided because I never got the phone! I paid for it, but I won't have a contract for it!
ME: Mr Sucky? Who is using the second line of service on your account?
SM: My daughter.
ME: (Wait... that makes her female!) Okay....
SM: ...
ME: Well, I have some really great news for you, Mr Sucky. I found your missing phone! Your daughter has been using it on her line since July 19th, which is one day after the last time I see it was registering on your number.
SM: I... uh... That.... Um.... She...
ME: So I guess that takes care of it.
SM: That's not... She has a Motorola Y!
ME: Yes, I see that's the phone she was using until she started using the Motorola X on 07/19.
SM: But.....
ME: Do you have her phone with you? I can tell you where to find the serial number and we can confirm it's the missing phone.
SM: Uh.... *click*
I loved this call. I was going through call records, order history, notes from previous reps to the date of the disputed upgrade, everything on both lines. I had him nailed about two minutes into the call. Then I just led him to where I wanted him, right where he wouldn't have any chance to escape, then sprung my trap and sat back and listened to his entire argument implode.
Makes perfect sense...
ME: Is there any reason you're looking to cancel today?
SM: Yes, because I want a new phone and they want me to agree to a contract. I won't have any part of it!
Great. So you're going to cancel with me, pay a termination fee because you're already under a contract, then go to someone else and agree to a contract with them. All to avoid a contract with me. Yeah.....
More Fun with Warranties
SW: I called in on the second of September and they said if I had any more problems with my phone I could call back and get it replaced. But now they're saying my warranty expired!
ME: Yes, I see you did call on 09/02. But your warranty expired on 09/28.
SW: But they said I could get it replaced if I kept having problems.
ME: And when did you notice you were still having problems with the phone?
SW: It was like, a couple of days later.
ME: I see. Yet you didn't call until a month later?
SW: I'm a student, okay? I'm busy in class! When I'm not in class, I like to sleep!
Ah. Well, that excuses it then. Allow me to just bend reality for you and override the manufacturer's policy. Cause, you know. You were asleep, so it totally isn't your fault.
Contract Shmontract
SM: I'm not under contract! I never signed anything!
ME: The contract you renewed for your phone upgrade in February was a verbal contract, we renewed it over the phone.
SM: You can't do that!
ME: Actually, we do it all the time. All providers do.
SM: No! There's no such thing as a verbal contract! A contract has to be in writing!
ME: Verbal contracts are every bit as legal and binding as written contracts.
SM: I sell houses! I wouldn't let someone close on a home without signing my contract.
ME: Of course not. But I don't sell homes. I'm a wireless provider. And I use verbal contracts.
Then he put his wife on the phone. Yeah, that's going to make a difference. In the end we all agreed that they suck and everyone was happy.
And I'm Not Trying to Hate You
SM: I'm not trying to be a horse's ass, but...
Oh? Then I guess that means you FAIL. Because it doesn't seem you even need to try.
Psycho Verification Lady
ME: I'd be happy to check your account information for you. Could I just have the last 4 digits of your social security number?
SW: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
ME: ...
SW: Ask me something else.
ME: I can only verify by the last 4 digits of your SSN unless you set a password.
SW: Did I set a password.
ME: I don't know. If you can provide one to me, I'll see if that's it. Otherwise I'll need the last 4 of your SSN.
SW: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
ME: Ma'am I need to verify you are authorized to access this account, so I'll need-
SW: I won't give it! Nuh-uh!
ME: Then I cannot access your account.
I hate these people. Remember when you activated service and they ran a credit check off your SSN? Yeah, I already have the damn number in my system. It's no secret to me. But until I hear those numbers roll out of your mouth, you're out of luck. Because I have to know that you know whether or not you know that I know. Otherwise, I can only assume that I know that you don't know that I know that you know, but are unwilling to prove that you know that I know that you know so I conclude you don't know what I know that you should know. You know?
HATE
SM: Call the store and see what the date is for my contract, because I didn't agree to that.
ME: Fine.
*calls store*
Store Guy: Hello?
ME: Hi, this is Kara from customer care, do you have a signed contract on file for Mr Douchebag?
Store Guy: Hold on.
ME: Okay.
Store Guy: Did you say Mr Douchebag?
ME: Yes.
Store Guy: Um... he just called me to make sure you called me.
The worst part is that the guy was right about the error in his contract dates. But still, to have the nerve to call and check up on me? Listen asshole, if I want to lie to you and just make you sit on hold, I'll ask you to hold when you ask me a basic question like, "When do my minutes start over?" or something.
Do It Yourself
ME: To fix the software issue on your blackberry, you'll need to run the application loader software on a PC and connect the device with the USB cable.
SW: Well, I don't have a computer.
ME: Then you'll need to use a friend or family member's computer.
SW: I ain't doing that. So now what are you going to do?
ME: There's nothing else I can do. You have to run the software to fix it.
SW: That's not helping me! You have to help me!
ME: What else would you like me to do?
SW: I don't know, think of something! You're supposed to help me, you're not helping me!
ME: I've told you how you can fix the problem.
SW: No, you told me to fix it myself. This isn't you helping me, this is you telling me to fix it myself. That's not your job. I'm not going to call you just to have you tell me to do it myself.
ME: Then what would you suggest I do?
SW: You better figure something out.
Yeah....... no. Sorry, you'll have to get up off your butt, turn Jerry Springer off, and find a computer. And while you're at it, I can think of something else I can suggest you do yourself, but I'm at work right now and I can't say what. But it starts with F and rhymes with "Go Duck Yourself with a Frozen Salmon."
Oh, and I may be scarce around here for a bit starting next week. I got a letter a few weeks ago that I was an on-call juror between 10/01 - 11/30 for a Federal court case. Then I got a letter the other day that I have to report for trial on 10/09. So this could be fun.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Well, you know
Creepy
I went back into a customer's account to credit her for a wallpaper download. My system shows me the date/time of the download as well as the title. Keep in mind this is a 60 year old woman. So I bring up her download history and see a download titled "Jessica Alba: Blue Bikini." I mean, I know she's hot, but shouldn't granny be looking at women closer to her age? Like Glen Close, Candice Bergin, or Judge Judy?
The Plan
SW: What plan do I have?
ME: You have PLAN X for $XX.XX a month.
SW: There's a plan for $XX.XX?
ME: No, that's the plan you already have.
SW: So I can't get PLAN X for $XX.XX?
ME: You already have it.
SW: Oh. But can I get it?
ME: You've had this plan for 2 years.
SW: Oh. Well, I'm at work right now. If I call back later, can I still get PLAN X for $XX.XX?
Mission Accomplished
SM: You are not helping me!
A winner is me!
I Should Change My Job Title to "Investigative" Loyalty Specialist
SM: They charged me for this phone I never received. And I paid for it, just to shut them up about it. But now they tell me I can't get a discount on another phone.
ME: Yes, I understand you had an upgrade to the Motorola X in June.
SM: But I didn't get the phone.
ME: But you paid the charges.
SM: Right, because you wouldn't take them off. They said I was using the phone.
ME: Well, I do see the exact serial number of the phone we sent you as having been in use at various times on your number.
SM: That's impossible. I never got it. I called UPS and they said a girl got the package on the corner in front of my house. But I'm not married, and I don't have a girlfriend, so can you tell me where this girl came from?
ME: But the serial # of the phone cannot be duplicated, and could only register to your number if your SIM was in it.
SM: I never got the phone! I don't care what your records show! Now give me a different phone, for free, or I'm taking my service to (COMPETITOR).
ME: You have that option, but you will be charged a termination fee.
SM: For what?
ME: Because the line is under contract.
SM: That contract is voided because I never got the phone! I paid for it, but I won't have a contract for it!
ME: Mr Sucky? Who is using the second line of service on your account?
SM: My daughter.
ME: (Wait... that makes her female!) Okay....
SM: ...
ME: Well, I have some really great news for you, Mr Sucky. I found your missing phone! Your daughter has been using it on her line since July 19th, which is one day after the last time I see it was registering on your number.
SM: I... uh... That.... Um.... She...
ME: So I guess that takes care of it.
SM: That's not... She has a Motorola Y!
ME: Yes, I see that's the phone she was using until she started using the Motorola X on 07/19.
SM: But.....
ME: Do you have her phone with you? I can tell you where to find the serial number and we can confirm it's the missing phone.
SM: Uh.... *click*
I loved this call. I was going through call records, order history, notes from previous reps to the date of the disputed upgrade, everything on both lines. I had him nailed about two minutes into the call. Then I just led him to where I wanted him, right where he wouldn't have any chance to escape, then sprung my trap and sat back and listened to his entire argument implode.
Makes perfect sense...
ME: Is there any reason you're looking to cancel today?
SM: Yes, because I want a new phone and they want me to agree to a contract. I won't have any part of it!
Great. So you're going to cancel with me, pay a termination fee because you're already under a contract, then go to someone else and agree to a contract with them. All to avoid a contract with me. Yeah.....
More Fun with Warranties
SW: I called in on the second of September and they said if I had any more problems with my phone I could call back and get it replaced. But now they're saying my warranty expired!
ME: Yes, I see you did call on 09/02. But your warranty expired on 09/28.
SW: But they said I could get it replaced if I kept having problems.
ME: And when did you notice you were still having problems with the phone?
SW: It was like, a couple of days later.
ME: I see. Yet you didn't call until a month later?
SW: I'm a student, okay? I'm busy in class! When I'm not in class, I like to sleep!
Ah. Well, that excuses it then. Allow me to just bend reality for you and override the manufacturer's policy. Cause, you know. You were asleep, so it totally isn't your fault.
Contract Shmontract
SM: I'm not under contract! I never signed anything!
ME: The contract you renewed for your phone upgrade in February was a verbal contract, we renewed it over the phone.
SM: You can't do that!
ME: Actually, we do it all the time. All providers do.
SM: No! There's no such thing as a verbal contract! A contract has to be in writing!
ME: Verbal contracts are every bit as legal and binding as written contracts.
SM: I sell houses! I wouldn't let someone close on a home without signing my contract.
ME: Of course not. But I don't sell homes. I'm a wireless provider. And I use verbal contracts.
Then he put his wife on the phone. Yeah, that's going to make a difference. In the end we all agreed that they suck and everyone was happy.
And I'm Not Trying to Hate You
SM: I'm not trying to be a horse's ass, but...
Oh? Then I guess that means you FAIL. Because it doesn't seem you even need to try.
Psycho Verification Lady
ME: I'd be happy to check your account information for you. Could I just have the last 4 digits of your social security number?
SW: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
ME: ...
SW: Ask me something else.
ME: I can only verify by the last 4 digits of your SSN unless you set a password.
SW: Did I set a password.
ME: I don't know. If you can provide one to me, I'll see if that's it. Otherwise I'll need the last 4 of your SSN.
SW: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
ME: Ma'am I need to verify you are authorized to access this account, so I'll need-
SW: I won't give it! Nuh-uh!
ME: Then I cannot access your account.
I hate these people. Remember when you activated service and they ran a credit check off your SSN? Yeah, I already have the damn number in my system. It's no secret to me. But until I hear those numbers roll out of your mouth, you're out of luck. Because I have to know that you know whether or not you know that I know. Otherwise, I can only assume that I know that you don't know that I know that you know, but are unwilling to prove that you know that I know that you know so I conclude you don't know what I know that you should know. You know?
HATE
SM: Call the store and see what the date is for my contract, because I didn't agree to that.
ME: Fine.
*calls store*
Store Guy: Hello?
ME: Hi, this is Kara from customer care, do you have a signed contract on file for Mr Douchebag?
Store Guy: Hold on.
ME: Okay.
Store Guy: Did you say Mr Douchebag?
ME: Yes.
Store Guy: Um... he just called me to make sure you called me.
The worst part is that the guy was right about the error in his contract dates. But still, to have the nerve to call and check up on me? Listen asshole, if I want to lie to you and just make you sit on hold, I'll ask you to hold when you ask me a basic question like, "When do my minutes start over?" or something.
Do It Yourself
ME: To fix the software issue on your blackberry, you'll need to run the application loader software on a PC and connect the device with the USB cable.
SW: Well, I don't have a computer.
ME: Then you'll need to use a friend or family member's computer.
SW: I ain't doing that. So now what are you going to do?
ME: There's nothing else I can do. You have to run the software to fix it.
SW: That's not helping me! You have to help me!
ME: What else would you like me to do?
SW: I don't know, think of something! You're supposed to help me, you're not helping me!
ME: I've told you how you can fix the problem.
SW: No, you told me to fix it myself. This isn't you helping me, this is you telling me to fix it myself. That's not your job. I'm not going to call you just to have you tell me to do it myself.
ME: Then what would you suggest I do?
SW: You better figure something out.
Yeah....... no. Sorry, you'll have to get up off your butt, turn Jerry Springer off, and find a computer. And while you're at it, I can think of something else I can suggest you do yourself, but I'm at work right now and I can't say what. But it starts with F and rhymes with "Go Duck Yourself with a Frozen Salmon."
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