Frequent Customer Nicknames

[protege]

Most of my paper route customers were pretty normal. But, you know how there's always one family in every town that's a bit "off?" Well, I had them on the route. Apparently, the mother was killed in a car accident some years ago, and things simply fell apart. Mainly because the father had a mental breakdown. Anyway, the entire house was invisible to the street, and even from the houses on either side! Seriously, it was so overgrown with junk all over the place. There was a dead Peugeot in the side yard, an old school bus in the back yard, a burnt-out 1970s Chrysler in the driveway, and about 40 cats Trust me, that place smelled like shit in the summer!

Even though the guy was messed up, he was always nice to me. Somewhat slow to pay up, simply because the family had no money. Because he was so nice, I'd sometimes help him with the car, or move machinery, or whatever. I stayed out of the house though--I wasn't about to get bitten by vermin!

But, what *really* took the cake, was his daughter! She too, had some mental issues. What's odd about that, is I knew her from grade school... Anyway, she freaked me out one night. How? Well, I'd gone down there one night to collect payment for their subscription. Parked the car out front, opened the gate, then went into the compound. No sooner did I knock, she started screaming about how Satan had come to get her Er, what? Satan drives a red Tempo? Never knew that... Anyway, her father gave me a $20 and I left.

Things got cleaned up down there shortly after that--the township had gotten *many* complaints, and was tired of it. All of the junk cars were towed, and the ASCPA took all the cats. It's still a mess, but not nearly as bad.

[BaristaGirl]

I have two off the top of my head.

THE HONEYMAN. I introduced The Honeyman in my first post, Legend of the Honeyman. Let me just say as a brief wrap-up, the things he does in my store are not legal or sanitary. He is legally restricted from entering any and all of our locations. He is icky. He is grody. I can't talk about this anymore.

THE ARTIST. David. He is a nice dude. He gets a venti coffee (always the bold roast, no room for cream,) and then 53-cent-refill with a fresh cup every time he comes. The nickname is more recent. He imagines himself an artist, and my manager (stupidly) agreed to hang his art in the cafe for all to see WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT FIRST. And Dave's art? Looks like what I used to do to empty pages in my class notebooks in junior high. It is also on notebook paper, lined and all. And it's just a little trippy. I can't wait to see what my DM says.

[Dave1982]

The Spaceman/Terminal Man: Often hangs around the copy center for hours at a time. Nice, but slightly crazy. Always responds to "How are you today?" with "Terminal" in reference to his (alleged) terminal cancer (I say alleged because it's been well over a year since I first saw him and he's still quite energetic and healthy). Claims to be building his own space station, complete with artificial gravity.

The Box Art Nazi: Extremely rude and demanding towards employees. Often interrupts to demand help while you are assisting another customer. Gained his nickname over an incident where he felt that unless an item matched the same box art picture shown in the flyer, then it was't the right item.

Stinky Guy: Button-holes employees (namely me) for many hours at stretch. Always comes in on Saturay evenings when it is most damaging to waste our time in this fashion. Whiney and very annoying. Buys stuff he doesn't need and complains about ow broke he's going to be as a result. the source of his name is obvious.

[huckster]

I had several regulars over the years, but only a few earned nicknames.

Sweaty Red Face Man - I don't know if he had a skin disorder, but his face was always beet red. He constantly looked like he just walked out of a sauna and was annoying as hell. Now that I think about it, he reminds me of Larry from Threes Company minus the ability to pick up women. He was always hitting on every female in the store and heaven forbid there was a new hire. He would be in the store every few days and we would take turns hiding from him. He always gave you the creeps. If it was warm outside he would wear sleevless shirts to show off his shoulder hair and moles.

Jefferys' Mom - This lady would come in every other week or so with her Siamese cat Jeffery. He would sit in the cart looking like he was going to poop any minute. She would shove him in your arms and make you hold him regardless of asking you. Her son would come in with her without fail. He's about 12 years old and is going to have a hard road ahead of him. I don't know what you call it when your eyes point in the opposite of being crossed, but that was him. He would follow you around asking meaningless questions or making random comments. One time is mom asked me where the dog nail clippers were. I showed her where they were and proceeded to tell me that they were not for her dog, but for her boyfriend. Apparently his fingernails grew like claws and those were the only thing that would cut them. Yeah, like I needed to know that. We hid from her too. She smelled like a combination of pee, cigarettes and mouthwash.

Hot Wheels - Mid 50's guy in a wheel chair (hence the name) that would purchase fish or hamsters and return them dead within a few hours. Everyone got suspicious and watched him leave one day. He went to his car, pulled out a coffee can that was housing animal corpses. He pulled out a hamster one day and tried to return it as the one he just bought. He couldn't be banned from the store for his actions, but he wasn't sold anything living afterwards.

[Retail Associate]

The only SC nickname I can think of off the top of my head is 4X Lady (formerly known as the 2X lady).

Everyone in my dept has had to deal with the 4X Lady. She's been doing the same thing for years and to this day, I don't think she's ever stepped foot inside our store. She also does this to the other two Meijer stores in our town.

Every month, for two weeks out of the month, 4X Lady calls to ask if we have women's short sleeve shirts in size 4X (or sweaters in 4X; or whatever else she can think of in size 4X). Once she's told that yes we do have them she then wants to know the price. After finding out the price she then wants to know where they are located in the store...ie which checklane they are near or some such stupidity.

One call a night is never enough because she has been known to call 6 times a night and ask the exact same question as if reading it from que cards. She will do this for about 2 weeks straight. We've asked her to stop but she always claims it wasn't she who called the other 5 times that night. I've told her so many times that the 4X shirts are the same price and located in the same place they were when she called the first 5 times and every other night that week. Many of my co-workers just hang up on her now. I've tried that but she calls right back. She truly drives me insane!

P.S. The reason she's formerly known as 2X Lady is because she used to call and inquire about size 2X. She must have gained some weight.

.

I HATE the 4X Lady.

[mattm04]

We have crazy lady, similar to 4X Lady, who will not shop but sends a brother out for her. Once week she will call the grocery dept, GM dept, dairy dept, bakery and deli. She will ask the same question over and over. She will call all the depts at least 3 times, sometimes 5 or more. She will call dept 1, ask same question as last week, etc, hang up a few minutes later call dept 2, etc. She will make the depts set aside a yogurt, a muffin, can of peanut butter etc. When her brother comes in he just grabs the stuff off the shelf and then we end up putting the original item away.

[Technetium]

I don't have many customers with nicknames, but luckily most of them are nice, pleasant customers. I'm on a first name basis with most of my frequent customers. Kind of makes me feel spoiled after reading some of these..

Thank you guy: Okay, not very creative, but this guy knows how to say "thank you" in a metric crapload of different languages, and will tell you about them. Whenever he sees me, he asks what language I'd like to hear it in, and tells me to think of another for next time. Weird as hell, but an incredibly nice guy.

Mopilo: Actually two people. Mopilo is their company name (they say they actually had designed a program to invent a unique name so they could get a .com). They always buy the same paper and ink at the same price, below retail price, with no sales tax because it's for resale. Very pleasant to talk to. Bonus for company name making me think of lop-eared bunny rabbits.

Scabby: Really nice guy, but I always want to gag when I see him. Has some sort of skin condition where half his face and arms look red and inflamed, and covered with big scabby blobs of dead skin. I feel bad because he's a really nice guy and has never been rude to anyone, but I get queasy when I see him. Actually had to wash my hands after the first time I rang up him up.

Paula: Not a nickname, but might as well have been, with the way we said it. I think it roughly translates to "crazy bitch from hell". Used to call several times a day and yell at the operators about the defective laptop we sold her (although it was clearly an id10t case, to even the least tech savvy employees). Always wanted to talk to our tech support manager, who was always conveniently out to lunch or with another customer. The worst part is that we only had a couple operators, so every day she'd call and be pleasant for a minute or so, then scream at the same operator she's screamed at a dozen times before. Thankfully the one that usually took her calls didn't take that shit and disconnected the calls as soon as she realized who it was.

Zines: Always buys about $30 in magazines every month. Always pays with a Star Trek check. I've mostly stopped getting electronic verification on them now. Would stop asking for ID, if I knew his ID number, but that would just be weird.

[Geek King]

Jefferys' Mom - I don't know what you call it when your eyes point in the opposite of being crossed, but that was him.

This is refered to as being "Walleyed" or having extropia.

http://www.medterms.com/script/main/...ticlekey=31626

On to mine now...

Oh No, Not Her!-- This is the lady who calls support for the most ridiculous things. Calls at least once a day. So irritating and whiney that my boss even screens her to voicemail. Problems reported include:
Color of keyboard and mouse do not match monitor.
The Outlook envelope does not show on her taskbar (she didn't have new mail )
Speakers not loud enough.
Windows take too long to load. (government offices, old computers, no budget, won't spend out of her's)
Doesn't like how the power button feels.
Glare on the screen.

[BookstoreEscapee]

The Widow: (Store1) Not an official nickname, but this is what I shall call her. She is a little old lady with red hair, probably in her 70s. She often came in with beat-up hardcover books that, if anything, are in the bargain section, but they have obviously been read several times (broken spines, page edges are soft and gray, etc.). She always told us that her husband got them as gifts while he was in the hospital and he didn't want them. Then one day she told us that her husband had gotten them while in the hospital but he had died. Next time I saw her, he was in the hospital again. We refused as many was we could, because they were not in saleable condition. She always argued. The few that she managed to get returned were always done as bargain books and she only got store credit. Even so, she probably racked up a decent amount. I don't think I ever saw her actually buy anything with the credit, though.

[Imogene]

Nachooooooos,

...
...
...
Gir?
At Chesterfield, I had a guy who looked exactly like Jerry Seinfeld, and I could never remember his name, no matter the fact that he was a card holder, and frequently bought lots of movies. So, I usually referred to him as Jerry.
There were tons of different "Anime the Kid"s, depending on how we interacted with them. Most of them came into the store. One in particular would call every single day. And seeing as I was the anime geek (besides the SM at the time) I'd get handed the phone. And get asked exactly the same damn questions I'd been asked yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and you see where I'm going with that. Oftentimes, they'd be questions about when the Anime channel he had on his satellite service would show new anime. "Uh... you called a movie store? And I have basic cable at home." Or, are there any new anime in Japan that're like a cross between Pokemon (for the collecting...) and Gundam (for the robots)? "You called a movie store IN AMERICA! Buy a freaking NewType and find out for yourself."
I have never heard of a series that mixes Pokemon and Gundam, and, if I had, I'd make sure it stayed the hell away from me, on abuse charges!

[Primer]

It seems that every semester I get The Bobbsey Twins. No, they don't look alike, but they always arrive together, sit together and leave together. And their homework papers are identical, just in different handwriting.

This semester I have one dubbed The Rock as he has about as much brains as one, and is as stubborn as one. I honestly believe I can teach anyone who wants to learn, and is willing to work. This guy fights me every step of the way. I will be very happily surprised if he pulls it together and passes the course.

[DesignFox]

I have a great many nice customers now that I am on a first name basis with.

We do however, have a nickname for one guy.

He's "The Crazy Guy". I do happen to remember his real name, and of course, greet him with it seeing as I will never forget him. He's actually the guy that taught me that being nice to certain customers is a bad idea. I now know how to "spot the asshole" and show them the door thanks to Crazy Guy.

He gets his name because he went all psycho over his phone and didn't want a refurbished phone from warranty exchange. I outlined the saga in a previous post, so I won't go through it again. At any rate, this guy's story took a month to conclude, and he did a great deal of yelling at our poor phone reps. (and scaring the wit out of me because I had to stand next to him the whole time). He was also verbally abusive toward me when I called him to tell him we had the solution to his problem.

As it turned out, he also shared with my co-worker that he had done a stint in a mental hospital (his family had him committed), but managed to get himself released. Hence, Crazy Guy. Oh yea, and he liked to tell us all about how he almost came to blows with another rep in another store location....

There are a great many sucky customers that plague us, but most don't have nicknames. Although, we have contemplated starting a "wall of shame"- taking polaroids of our "favorite" customers and displaying them in the stock-room.

[monolayth]

When I worked at the O'club we had this guy come in every sunday brunch. We nicknamed him the pedophile. Granted he was not one, but he looked like one of the creepy old men who play them on TV. Same brown pants and off white shirt. glasses, bad hair cut. talked like the creepy old guy on family guy. (seriously) and would say the oddest things. like "mother bought me come new bootie pajamas with a butt flap, so I can use the bathroom" seriously gave us all the creeps. He would be waiting for us to open every sunday and we would have to kick him out so we could go home because we would clean right around him. He was always alone and had a romance book.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Ooh, I just remembered another one!

Duckboy (Store2): A kid in his mid teens, a geeky-looking type, socially awkward but I don't think he had any actual mental problems. However, he always had a little stuffed duck with him. He would sit in the cafe with the duck on his table, or we'd see him around the store carrying it. If he caught your eye he would say hello, and I have a feeling if you gave him a chance he would try to chat. I never asked what the deal with the duck was, because, frankly, I was afraid I really didn't want to know...

[Tito]

Ah, yes, customer nicknames! Let's see if I can remember some from back in the day:

The Bird Man - This old guy who would stand out in the parking & feed the seagulls, which would then crap all over everyones cars. He was asked not to do it by the store manager several times, but it did no good.

El Scratcho - This lady who used to come in & spend 20 minutes per day at the courtesy booth playing scratch off lottery tickets. Was also called The Hacker, because a sinus condition that she had would cause her to keep coughing, & El Dumbo for wasting all that money on lottery tickets.

Ol' Three and Two - This lady would would come to the deli once a week & order the same thing everytime: three pounds of cheese & two pounds of bologna.

The Black Widow - This thing (she was no lady) who would come into the store dressed all in black, & was just a total bitch.

If I can think of anymore, I'll add them.